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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband just bought home by police. Furious

622 replies

yellowelli · 12/03/2022 03:40

Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

OP posts:
deeplyambivalent · 12/03/2022 06:55

Gosh, poor chap. I hope he doesn't get accidentally woken at 8am today by vacuum cleaner/ trumpet practice/ smoke alarm.

RussianSpy101 · 12/03/2022 06:56

@Coffeetree 😂😂😂😂😂

grapewines · 12/03/2022 06:59

I would definitely be forging a letter with a police logo on as he slept to hand him in the morning advising him of his dangerous and risky behaviour and inviting him to attend a session on how to behave appropriately. As the letter went on I would end it with this session is not mandatory if a fine is paid to you his wife.

Talk about overkill.

grapewines · 12/03/2022 07:00

@ivykaty44

Perhaps the not going out for years has had an affect and he drank himself stupid as he doesn’t normal go out

You ringing him at 2am seems strange, he is 40 and your not his mum. You could see where he was, so why call?

Why doesn’t he go out with his mates?

Agree.
ManateeFair · 12/03/2022 07:01

Obviously this is annoying, but you say this is the only night out he’s had in years. He’s not used to it and accidentally had too much. If it was a habit it would be a problem but the police got him home safely and it’s the only time this has ever happened. I’m sure he’ll have learnt his lesson. I’d laugh it off I think.

Coffeetree · 12/03/2022 07:03

The saddest thing about threads like is the way it shows how many people live like this.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 12/03/2022 07:04

Those saying he should just say I've had enough now, alcohol doesn't always hit you at the same time, some people seem to have a switch one minute they don't even appear drunk, the next they are a puddle on the floor.

Is it the police bit that is making you cross, if he'd walked back and just been late would that have been OK? ( although I also find it weird you checking up on a 40year old who had gone out)

peboh · 12/03/2022 07:05

Honestly if this is out of character and he rarely goes out, I'd let it go.
He's made a mistake. It's that simple. We've all done it before. (Maybe not this same mistake, but made mistakes none the less).

Fashionesta · 12/03/2022 07:05

Pick me??? Have you read the OP. As for as we know he's not gone out and shagged another woman!

As pp said, not ideal and also very dangerous in terms of the walking home but certainly not a divorcable offence if it's a one off. Sure he'll feel awful when he wakes up.

FuckThatBullshit · 12/03/2022 07:08

Also don't forget OP there are plenty of women on here who will tell another woman to ditch the cunt if he so much as leaves a tea bag stain on the kitchen worktop simply because they are bitter, disgruntled and hate all men full stop. Ignore them 🙄

Coffeetree · 12/03/2022 07:10

@Fashionesta

Pick me??? Have you read the OP. As for as we know he's not gone out and shagged another woman!

As pp said, not ideal and also very dangerous in terms of the walking home but certainly not a divorcable offence if it's a one off. Sure he'll feel awful when he wakes up.

Go ahead and be a cool wife! People with self-respect have different standards.
15MinutesOlder · 12/03/2022 07:11

Give it a few days/weeks/months/years and you’ll be laughing about it (hopefully)

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 12/03/2022 07:13

Sorry OP, but I agree with nearly everyone else here. This is not a nightly, weekly, or even a monthly occurrence, so it was probably almost inevitable that he get totally carried away with his drinking. Alcohol reduces, and will often totally take away our own body's defense systems.

So if we are unused to drinking much alcohol, after maybe only two or three units of alcohol we start to rapidly lose our willpower and commonsense. Therefore, whether we either just want to carry-on drinking because our bodies tell us we are loving the sensation of being typsy, or because we have actually had our drinks spiked, we will no longer be able to use rational thought to extradite ourselves from the situation we have got ourselves into. It is therefore very important that if you want to go on a very rare night out drinking, you do so with trusted friends.

Hopefully you will have calmed down by the time your DH wakes up, and maybe (and not because you are a woman, or even his partner, but just because you are a caring and loving person) you can be gentle and nice to him, have plenty of water at hand for him to drink - slowly - then offer, and encourage him to eat 1 or 2 slices of toast with jam on them, followed by a couple of paracetamol (it would probably also be a good idea to have a sickbowl handy!)

You should have plenty of time later to have a calm discussion with him about last night. If you are not on the understandable, but unhelpful verbal attack, then he might not go into an equally unhelpful defense mode. That could even bring you both a greater understanding of each other's thought processes and a better way of supporting each other going forward. Of course it could just be a one-off night of craziness, which the two of you can hopefully chalk down to experience!

Usou · 12/03/2022 07:13

Adult man gets tanked up on incredibly rare night out.

What is this? The controlling wives club?

Justcallmebabs · 12/03/2022 07:14

As PP, some mumsnet posters will tell you to LTB at the slightest thing. They seem to revel in other’s misery and encourage totally disproportionate responses! (Happened to me when I posted about my relationship before). As you say, it’s a one off and I bet he will feel like a mega twat this morning as he should. I’d expect an apology from him but chalk it down to a bad experience

Roselilly36 · 12/03/2022 07:16

I can see why you are upset, but honestly your DH is ok, back home safely, he will likely have an awful hangover today, it’s a one off. I doubt he will be daft enough to do it again anytime soon. Was he out on a stag do or something?

Guineapigssweak · 12/03/2022 07:17

You said he hasn't been out in years so give him a break! What's done is done and getting angry over it won't change anything. He will have.leant a lesson so let it go.

bumblingbovine49 · 12/03/2022 07:18

@Libertybear80

He never goes out?! Give the poor guy a break and be thankful the police did find him and he wasn't hit by a car!
This. I never understand what being furious with someone in this situation achieves. He made an error of judgement and was lucky that he got home safely. It is not something he has done before or likely to do again. Laying into him is unlike to make things better or encourage him to really reflect on behaviour he almost certainly won't remember properly.

I am not saying you shouldn't feel angry, just that you should try to calm down before to him. I imagine your anger in this case comes from a place of fear of what could have happened to him and also some embarrassment at his behaviour, along with surprise as this is so unusual for him . So start from that rather than a position of anger if you can

Also decide what you want from him, given that it is done now and he can't undo it. Is a promise never to do something similar and an apology enough? If not what do you want him to do? If you know that you can communicate that with him calmly if he doesn't immediately offer what you want from him be way of ' reparations' for scaring you and also embarrassing you in front of the police.

OhMygodddd · 12/03/2022 07:19

God! it was a one off, I’d be upset he was dangerous in walking home but not to the point it would cause a row. It’s not that big of a deal.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 12/03/2022 07:20

I would also have been worried and angry but it wouldn’t last long, I’m sure nearly all of us have got ourselves into a drunken stupid situation.

I would milk it today though!

FindingMeno · 12/03/2022 07:23

Horrible for you, but it seems that if he's generally a good person, and holds his hands up to having fucked up, he's simply made a mistake. None of us are perfect.
Feel free to let him know how distressing this has been for you, and try to move on.
If I'm ever single again, I will only consider women as a viable option for a relationship. Seems so many men are like toddlers.

RichardsGear · 12/03/2022 07:23

The saddest thing about threads like is the way it shows how many people live like this.

I think it shows people have a healthy sense of perspective tbh.

rwalker · 12/03/2022 07:25

He's clearly fucked up and misjudged how much he's had to drink and his limits .

I'm not self-righteous enough to give a keyboard warrior reply

It's a one off leave him to it

20viona · 12/03/2022 07:26

He will feel rough as anything and will probably want to die of embarrassment. And if he never goes out then this is probably why he's had a blow out, whether he meant to or not. Least he's home safe.

vamptramp · 12/03/2022 07:27

@rwalker

He's clearly fucked up and misjudged how much he's had to drink and his limits .

I'm not self-righteous enough to give a keyboard warrior reply

It's a one off leave him to it

This. I'd be a bit gentle with him today.

He very rarely goes out, on this occasion he fucked up. He's going to feel absolutely terrible today.