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Original poster

Husband just bought home by police. Furious

622 replies

yellowelli · 12/03/2022 03:40

Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowelli · 12/03/2022 08:05

So many threads I read and think don't feed the vipers yet here I am. Seriously though, can more women please hold men accountable for their own actions and not find a way to make it a woman's fault. I see it far too often on here, on what is supposedly a majority women forum where so many almost infantilise men yet are so harsh on women. It makes me a little bit sad sometimes!

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 12/03/2022 08:05

No sympathy from me whatsoever OP. I generally do not have any sympathy for people who do stupid things after taking drugs though.

Haudyourwheesht · 12/03/2022 08:06

This is the problem with an Internet forum. On another day this thread would have been full of 'he's clearly an alcoholic'. 'Are you sure he wasn't taking drugs?' 'Sorry OP, there must have been prostitutes involved'. 'LTB!' Type responses.

I've seen virtually identical threads go right down that route. It's funny how the first few responses so often set the tone for the rest.

Gollumy · 12/03/2022 08:06

Huh? How could you have died or been murdered by your partner staying out and getting drunk unless they turn violent on their return (and that's a totally different matter that isnt the case here at all)

cigarettesNalcohol · 12/03/2022 08:07

Accusing the op of being controlling is a bit much - my H was home late from work one evening and not picking up the phone, he had said he'd be home by 4 and it was past 5. I was pregnant at the time and oh boy, I was an anxious mess. Imagining the worst, imagining he'd crashed his motorbike etc. Fully convincing myself he was dead. It was so out of character for him to be late/no reply on phone. I couldn't focus on anything else. Pregnancy hormones are the devil's work... turned out he'd stopped outside work chatting to a colleague for a bit. By the time he got home I was in tears though. Totally understandable why op was worried, and now angry.

VioletOcean · 12/03/2022 08:07

My adult child got brought home by the ambulance service once, he’d gotten pissed and fallen over! Bloody idiot.

Harrysutton · 12/03/2022 08:08

Speak to him. See what he can remember. There’s a big issue with spiking at the moment and it’s not just women so I’d consider that too. But first of all listen. To why he got so drunk and what he’s going to do about it. I’m sure he will feel ashamed enough that he had to be brought home.

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 12/03/2022 08:09

@OverTheRubicon

“A big turn off”
Really? Where are these comments about it giving “the ick” or “not being attractive” coming from?
Of course it’s not attractive but must a man remain steadfastly in self control at all times without a moment of weakness or mistake like some fake Jane Austen character for women to retain attraction?
That’s simply not practical or reasonable in marriage and if it’s an expectation then it’s not one that willl lead to long relationships.

Was she turned on before hand? Then how is it not being attractive or a turn off remotely relevant. He wasn’t taking her on a date or having sex with her.

Uafasach · 12/03/2022 08:10

Some of your marriages must be so odd if you find a wife sending one text, making one phone call and checking find my friends once to be controlling behaviour

That is controlling behaviour! I have never called/texted or tried to locate my husband while he's been on a night out. I have never waited up until he was due home. He's a grown man.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 12/03/2022 08:10

Is he doing the all wide-eyed and can't remember anything thing?
The - "But I don't remember", "I don't remember", "I don't remember"?
And then doing the fake head hanging in shame sorry thing?

I would go out and leave him with the kids until the end of the weekend.

Tlollj · 12/03/2022 08:10

The thing I never understand in these threads is why you would be awake in the first place.
If you went to bed and went to sleep the first you would have known about it would have been the police knocking at the door.
That would have pissed me off no end I agree, but why lie awake before that being anxious.

NoSquirrels · 12/03/2022 08:11

I’m not surprised you’re furious and worried and feeling whatever you’re feeling.

If this is TOTALLY out if character, though - as in, never happened before that he’s got blind drunk, not ‘sometimes he has a problem but I’ve blanked it because it’s so infrequent and not as bad as this’ then perhaps he does need some benefit of the doubt. Blokes can get their drinks spiked too.

Wait til he wakes up.

HikingforScenery · 12/03/2022 08:12

OP, I think some people can’t get their heads round someone choosing not to go out, etc.

My husband, who is a non-drinker is the same. He’s had probably one late night out (past 2am) since we got married. I did fall asleep and didn’t know when he got back. He’ll join in with meals at work, etc but be back by 9/10pm.

It’s as if your instincts were telling you something like this was going to happen, hence you struggling to sleep.

Hopefully, he’ll never repeat this.

Clymene · 12/03/2022 08:13

@Tlollj

The thing I never understand in these threads is why you would be awake in the first place. If you went to bed and went to sleep the first you would have known about it would have been the police knocking at the door. That would have pissed me off no end I agree, but why lie awake before that being anxious.
So if you were expecting your husband home at X time and he didn't show up, you'd just shrug and go to bed? Not be worried?

I don't believe you

walksen · 12/03/2022 08:13

Honestly you sound like hard work

Not drinking very often means his tolerance was lower than the people was out with and/or what he used to be e able to cope with and he over did it.

Walking on a main road may be as be monumentally stupid but really drunk people do really stupid things all the time like taking golf carts on the motorway or whatnot and big picture no harm was done.

This is the kind of thing that you and he will laugh about in the future once your anger subsides and you stop obsessing over the what if scenarios. It's been a shit few years for everyone and seems like there are a lot more on the way right now and you both have major life changes on the way so guilt trip him all you like but many ppl here would cut him some slack.

DrDreReturns · 12/03/2022 08:14

If it's a one off I'd let it go. If it was a regular thing I'd be having words. He'll probably be really embarassed today. It's nothing to do with not 'holding men accountable' - I'd have the same response if it was a woman.

Darbs76 · 12/03/2022 08:14

If it’s a one off by all means have a go but if his behaviour isn’t normally like this then you have to move on once you’ve expressed your anger

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 12/03/2022 08:14

@yellowelli

Op, most people are saying it was his fault but it was a mistake which isn’t that bad and shouldn’t be blown up into something that drives you apart. It’s something that should be laughed off if very rare.

A few people have called you controlling but it’s a tiny minority. If your referring to them as vipers then they’re a minority.
If your referring to the people who are telling you to let it go as “vipers” who are blaming you and not him then what response where you looking for? LTB or endless shitting on someone for a dumb mistake?

Seriouslymole · 12/03/2022 08:15

Not controlling in the least OP. I would be feeling exactly the same and of course it’s not controlling to text him and wonder where he is - it normal!. He’s been a complete idiot. His reaction today will tell you a lot.

Hadjab · 12/03/2022 08:15

He took two police officers away from other work they could be doing. It was extremely kind of them but they shouldn’t have to go around picking up drunks

At 2am, that actually is their job…

couchparsnip · 12/03/2022 08:16

He's been an idiot and I totally understand why you were angry. It's the idea that he could have left you a widow through sheer stupidity. It did happen to a friend of mine. Her husband was walking home drunk, stepped in front of a car and killed instantly. It was so avoidable. So yes I get your anger.

Now might be a good time to catch up on some hoovering do you think?

Original poster
yellowelli · 12/03/2022 08:17

Mumsnet bingo here - controlling wife, you must treat your anxiety and the good old 'you sound like hard work.' I've said my piece on what I think about this. I can't get behind it myself.

I'm going to retreat for this reason, but thank you to the genuine posters, who's sole reason for being on this board isn't to tear women down, for taking the time to respond.

OP posts:
MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 12/03/2022 08:17

@yellowelli

So many threads I read and think don't feed the vipers yet here I am. Seriously though, can more women please hold men accountable for their own actions and not find a way to make it a woman's fault. I see it far too often on here, on what is supposedly a majority women forum where so many almost infantilise men yet are so harsh on women. It makes me a little bit sad sometimes!
You were infantilising your husband by ringing, texting, worrying he hadn't read the text and finally by tracking him (which was more than once as you noticed it had stopped tracking)

The dangerous walk home wasn't planned, it was a decision when he was already too drunk, the anger (which isn't required) needs to be at getting drunk not at the walking home as he wasn't capable of making a safe decision.

Its not being a cool wife to not catastophise on the what ifs. A one off I'd be counting our lucky stars, if he made it a habit then I'd walk.

TillyTopper · 12/03/2022 08:18

Yes he has gone a bit bonkers - but it's not a regular thing! If he did this once a month then I get your point. I don't really see why you are embarrassed either - he's responsible for his own actions, you are not. I think you need to calm down, cut him some slack and provided have a good relationship otherwise then let it go.

Strangeways19 · 12/03/2022 08:19

@yellowelli you sound like your worried & annoyed which is a perfectly reasonable response.
Hopefully he's learned his lesson & peace is restored!
Look after yourself today