Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband just bought home by police. Furious

622 replies

yellowelli · 12/03/2022 03:40

Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

OP posts:
Livebythecoast · 12/03/2022 05:58

He'll probably feel rough later on, especially if he's not used to drinking. Hopefully he'll apologise and be remorseful too.

I agree with others, whilst it was reckless, it's a one off and apart from pointing out the stupidity of his actions, I'd let it go.
He'll probably be very embarrassed he was brought home by the police though, if he remembers and believes you!

2021s · 12/03/2022 05:59

I also feel sorry for him. This is not usual behaviour for him, he has drunk way more than he should have but I doubt it was out of badness, he has probably forgotten his limit - if he hasn’t been out in years, his friends might have bought shots and he was having too much fun to be sensible, he also may have been spiked. He will have all kinds of hurt when he wakes, he will be so very hungover, be ashamed, have the fear, if you add to this by being angry with him it’s cruel! People make mistakes. Look after him till he recovers then have a proper calm conversation with him about it and how it made you feel.
Also, thank your lucky stars, if the police didn’t find him he could still be out there, passed out in the rain getting hyperthermia

Somuddled · 12/03/2022 06:00

While scary and upsetting I don't really understand why you are angry. Unless there is a big back story of generally being a useless husband and father. If this is a very rare one off, I'd sooner assume it was a big mistake. I'd be kind to my husband the next day (no-one does well being hung over) and then on Sunday I'd try to find out what happened. It would be out of character that I'd be worried about him. But sitting up seething or being really angry now is hurt hurting yourself.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 12/03/2022 06:06

If it's so out of character consider that he may have had a drink spiked. Happens to men too you know.

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 12/03/2022 06:08

No big deal if it’s very rare. If he doesn’t drink to excess often it probably just hit far harder than he realised it would and this is the result.

As for those saying you wouldn’t be attracted any more and have “the ick”, grow up. It’s one incedent of him doing something stupid probably unintentionally in a long marriage. Imagine if a wife got drunker than she expected and did similar and a man was on here saying “I don’t know if I can possibly be attracted any more, ew icky”

If this stays a one off it should be the kind of thing you can laugh at in the future, not something that drives a wedge between you forever. At least, it should for mature adults.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 12/03/2022 06:09

thanks to the police, they potentially saved his life

Alfixnm · 12/03/2022 06:14

To be fair, I don't think your husband deserves quite some of the vitriol that has been expressed by some posters.

I do understand you're angry that he could have gotten himself hurt; yes it's very stupid to drink so much. However, his "crime" is pretty innocent compared to many similar posts on here, in that he didn't break any laws, try to intentionally harm someone, or do anything intentionally bad.

It was his first time out in years so it's not like he has a drinking problem or that he is a feckless dad repeatedly leaving you in the lurch/shirking his responsibilities - he presumably normally is a pretty good'un. He may literally have no idea of his limits, have a much lower alcohol tolerance than he used to, and feel suitably ashamed/like a dickhead tomorrow.

I'm NOT suggesting you give him sympathy, but just pointing out that he's hardly deserving of LTB status over drinking too much on exactly one occasion after years of not drinking.

Northernparent68 · 12/03/2022 06:19

Why were you anxious and checking up on him ?

MsTSwift · 12/03/2022 06:23

Think the drink spiking something to consider if he was unusually out of control after being in a night club.

Carpy899 · 12/03/2022 06:23

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

I’d be embarrassed as well.

He’d be so unattractive to me after that.

Why do people say this nonsense?
Lindy2 · 12/03/2022 06:24

He misjudged how much he could drink on a rare night out. He mucked up and is going to feel utterly rubbish and hungover when he does wake up.

As a one off I'd tell him he's a prat and to be more careful when he next goes out.

It's not that big a deal really in my opinion. There's probably very few adults who haven't got too drunk at some point in their lives by overdoing things on a night out.

Violence when drunk, fighting, regularly being drunk or on drugs, dangerous or abusive behaviour - any of that would be a serious problem but that's not what your describing.

TheCurrywurstPrion · 12/03/2022 06:24

While scary and upsetting I don't really understand why you are angry.

Really, you don’t? Fear often gives way to anger, when the worry is gone. Regardless of whether you regard this as being a stupid mistake that could happen to anyone or not, her husband put himself in a position where he could potentially have died, leaving her alone to raise two small children, one of them not yet born.

I know it’s a common error to misjudge alcohol, but he does bear some responsibility. I don’t think OP should wind herself up further because only time will tell how he reacts. It may be he will be so mortified that he will never take the risk again. For OP’s sake, I hope so. But anger is an absolutely natural response.

Porcupineintherough · 12/03/2022 06:25

@Alfixnm totally agree.

OverByYer · 12/03/2022 06:26

If it’s out of character and a one off , I’d let it go.
He was lucky that the police found him and he should be both grateful and embarrassed for that.

fallhappy1 · 12/03/2022 06:29

I understand the embarrassment. My DP never goes out, rarely drinks and he went out with my DF one evening, got absolutely paralytic and when they got back to our house DP convinced my DF he needed urgent medical attention (he didn't he was fine, he was just very, very drunk and not used to it) I woke up a commotion and to find two ambulances had turned up at my house thinking DP was very, very poorly. They assessed him and declared he didn't need hospital admission and left. DP was mortified when he realised what had happened the following morning and was incredibly apologetic.
It will be pointless laying into your DP when he wakes up, it was a one off mistake, he didn't mean to do it. Like my DP he didn't realise he'd passed his limit and the important thing is that he's safe.

FantasticFebruary · 12/03/2022 06:37

@Northernparent68

Why were you anxious and checking up on him ?
Because her husband didn't arrive home when he should have (he had a pre booked taxi). Generally when you love someone & they don't turn up when they should, normal people start to worry!!

It wouldn't have mattered whether she was already worrying or not because the police would have woken her when they brought him home anyway!

How does your 'cool wives' question help??

TedMullins · 12/03/2022 06:38

I can’t believe anyone thinks this is normal or ok. British drinking culture actually disgusts me sometimes. Unless he was spiked or has problematic drinking behaviour, it is very easy to say no thanks I’ve had enough now, I’m going home/I’ll stick to the lemonades from now on. This is the kind of thing you expect from a teenager who overdoes it, not a grown adult who should be perfectly capable of regulating your own drinking. I’d be absolutely disgusted.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 12/03/2022 06:40

@Balanced12

Yes he's been very stupid. BUT it's out of character a one off, we all make mistakes and alcohol hardly helps decision making.

You have every right to be annoyed but iy turned out OK very different if it happened again

This. We all screw up sometimes and in this case there was no harm done. Hopefully it will all seem a bit less fraught in the morning.
Whattodoniw · 12/03/2022 06:41

@NashvilleQueen

Firstly he is safe. Secondly the police brought him home rather than him being in trouble for something so that's also good. Thirdly you say he doesn't do this sort of thing as a rule.

I would try and get some sleep and find out what went on from him when he's had time to recover. There could have been something beyond him just getting too pissed It sounds like it's out of character for him so assuming he understands the risk he put himself in and why he needs to be more in control in the future I would let it go.

Try and get some sleep. I think some of your reaction is relief that he's ok turned to anger. See how you feel tomorrow.

This.

iloveeverykindofcat · 12/03/2022 06:43

@TedMullins

I can’t believe anyone thinks this is normal or ok. British drinking culture actually disgusts me sometimes. Unless he was spiked or has problematic drinking behaviour, it is very easy to say no thanks I’ve had enough now, I’m going home/I’ll stick to the lemonades from now on. This is the kind of thing you expect from a teenager who overdoes it, not a grown adult who should be perfectly capable of regulating your own drinking. I’d be absolutely disgusted.
Agreed. Just because other people do it doesn't make it okay or normal. There's something very wrong with drinking culture in the UK. And I'm not speaking from condemnation because I did something very similar to what your husband did once - granted I was 22 and single and I've long since grown out of it but there absolutely is a drinking culture that enables this in people who are suceptible to it. Its not okay. He could have died. I could have died (or been murdered). OP you are right to be furious but the question is - what will he say when he wakes up? How is he going to ensure this absolutely never happens again? And if that means not drinking so be it. Not drinking is not the end of the world.
FuckThatBullshit · 12/03/2022 06:49

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

I’d be embarrassed as well.

He’d be so unattractive to me after that.

Oh for fucks sake 🤣 he went out, got smashed and made a complete twat of himself. We've all been there. OP as long as he hasn't killed anyone, shagged anyone or gambled your house away on a poker game just let it go. He fucked up, no doubt he'll suffer for it big time whilst sobering up. No-one died.
Coffeetree · 12/03/2022 06:51

As soon as he wakes, tell him to go find another place to stay while you consider the relationship.

Predictably the pick-mes have arrived to minimise and normalise, but no this isn't remotely acceptable.

ivykaty44 · 12/03/2022 06:52

Perhaps the not going out for years has had an affect and he drank himself stupid as he doesn’t normal go out

You ringing him at 2am seems strange, he is 40 and your not his mum. You could see where he was, so why call?

Why doesn’t he go out with his mates?

Coffeetree · 12/03/2022 06:53

We have not "all been there". I drank to the point of throwing up once, when I was 17. After that I knew to be conscious of when to stop. Because I respect myself and care about the people around me.

seasidershells · 12/03/2022 06:53

It sounds like the drink got to go. Far more than he realised he would and will be just as mortified once he's completely sober.
I'd drag out the dh help on the basis of his ridiculousness for weeks for this one, the. forgive him and eventually move on given that you've said it is not in his usual character.

If it happened again I'd be inclined to think differently but my dh got so drunk once he was thrown out of a nightclub and people were filming him being an absolute fool and it did the rounds on fb, also completely out of character but his friends had given him a lot to drink, he's never drank alcohol again and it was about ten years ago!