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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband just bought home by police. Furious

622 replies

yellowelli · 12/03/2022 03:40

Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 12/03/2022 18:30

Backing away from this loony thread now. Back to my real life where people are a little kinder and saner.

WTAF you’re the one whose been rude! You’re the one who was rude about posters using emojis but used them yourself - why are you blaming others for your actions?

You tried defending your use of using a tracker - it’s backfired.

Dorigen · 12/03/2022 18:32

@PourSomeLove

I understand the 'by consent' argument - but what if you don't consent? Would you be regarded as being shifty? If a 17 yo didn't give consent, what would you do? Would you end up having to agree, just to prove that you weren't up to no good? The whole thing is a minefield.

My son is 18, he can turn it off if he wants to. If he ever did, its likely I wouldn’t notice as it’s used so rarely. He does what he wants.

I didn't know that you could turn it off, so I have learnt something!

I will remain a smartphone refusenik because I'm paranoid about anyone knowing all the boring stuff I get up to, unless I choose to tell them - but, obviously, if others are happy to do it, then fair enough. I would resist a partner wanting me to switch it on, and I wouldn't want him to have it switched on either, but as neither of us has phones, it's hardly an issue.

Nanny0gg · 12/03/2022 18:33

[quote BigOlDingleSlinger69]@Nanny0gg

Yes it’s people who don’t use trackers on their partners phones who are bossyWink[/quote]
If the tracking is mutual then there is absolutely no problem.

If it's one insisting on the the other being tracked then obviously there is.

Those were not the people about whom I was referring Smile

Nanny0gg · 12/03/2022 18:35

@WonderfulYou

Maybe I should ask him to send me photographic evidence of his office with a time and date stamp on it and I’ll send him one back of our living room just so we can be 100% sure I haven’t hidden the kids and went off for the night to shag around.

You joke but this is what my friend used to have to do - literally take pictures when she got to work, tesco, her parents etc and her partner would then even ring her work or parents randomly to try and catch her out.
He now just uses the tracking app.

So the app isn't the problem

Her husband is, and would be (and was) before any app was installed.

Wideblueyonder · 12/03/2022 18:37

@WonderfulYou

Backing away from this loony thread now. Back to my real life where people are a little kinder and saner.

WTAF you’re the one whose been rude! You’re the one who was rude about posters using emojis but used them yourself - why are you blaming others for your actions?

You tried defending your use of using a tracker - it’s backfired.

I agree I haven’t spoken how I should have. In response to other people I have retaliated more than I should have. But nothing at all has backfired. I’m not trying to achieve anything, so there is nothing to backfire. I don’t have to defend my use of a tracker, I have repeatedly stated my DH and I find it useful and we’re happy using it occasionally to locate one another. I couldn’t give two hoots is anyone else wouldn’t feel comfortable with that - the only thing that would ever give me concern is if someone was being tracked against their wishes.

You’re language around defend, backfire etc is all very combative. Seems you come here gagging for a bunfight and I’m over this one.

Live and let live!

PourSomeLove · 12/03/2022 18:37

Really? So if he had it off for a week and you didn’t know why you wouldn’t bring it up? If he wanted to get rid of it you wouldn’t ask why?

No. If he suddenly felt how some others do on this thread about it, then he can turn it off. Or if he just decided he didn’t want it for any reason, he doesn’t have to explain himself to me. He knows we’d never question where he goes or what he’s doing so I suppose that’s why he only sees it as a benefit to him. He chooses his own apps on his phone and has done for many years. I can’t even describe how much of a non issue this is in my house.

WonderfulYou · 12/03/2022 18:48

You’re language around defend, backfire etc is all very combative. Seems you come here gagging for a bunfight and I’m over this one.

Lol ok Confused your behaviour is pretty odd.
No offence but if this is what you’re like in normal life then I definitely wouldn’t want you tracking me.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 12/03/2022 19:18

@WonderfulYou

You’re language around defend, backfire etc is all very combative. Seems you come here gagging for a bunfight and I’m over this one.

Lol ok Confused your behaviour is pretty odd.
No offence but if this is what you’re like in normal life then I definitely wouldn’t want you tracking me.

The problem is, you're projecting your empirical knowledge, conflating and projecting that experience onto every other user of this app.

The app use is not universally used by controlling partner's.

Mydogmylife · 12/03/2022 19:25

@supadupapupascupa

Find my friends is the best thing ever! Tea is on ready for arrival, I can make plans without bothering him. Son has it too so I know where he is in his long journey home from school. Is just.......nice! I love seeing where my Neices are and my sister in law. You only set it up my mutual agreement. So if you don't like it you don't do it. Simple's
Why on earth do you want to be able to see where various family members are at all times? Especially more distant relatives like nieces and SIL. , I would hate some one tracking me like this.
Spidey66 · 12/03/2022 20:05

People know their partners better than strangers on the Internet. I've been with my husband 30 years, married for 27, and I think I know better than people who have never met us that the occasional use of an app to ensure I've got to work safely is not a symptom of a controlling relationship.

I haven't got his phone tracked, only because my phone is linked to an ancient iPad which is on its way out, and I've not worked out how to link the phones to the replacement tablets. In fact, the last time the old ipad was used to check my phone was in September last year, the day I fell off the bike and fractured my shoulder (and he, in fact used the ipad to locate me as it was difficult to explain where I was and the ambulance was going to take 2 hours.) I don't really cycle in the winter plus I'm a bit anxious tbh. I think the ipad has actually died since then, so in effect he hasn't tracked me for 6 months, but if/when I'm back on the bike I'm happy for my phone to be tracked again, and I'm sure he's happy for his phone to be tracked. It will only be uses in emergencies and either can switch it off.

Spidey66 · 12/03/2022 20:09

Nb my phones an iPhone, easily tracked by an ipad. The replacement is a galaxy. He's never had an iPhone. That's why it was only linked to my phone, not his, simply because it was easier. I'm sure we'll work it out on our current combination of iphone/galaxy tablet/Motorola phone.

Spidey66 · 12/03/2022 20:10

Replacement tablet is a galaxy. I still have iPhone, he's got a Motorola phone.

SpinsForGin · 12/03/2022 20:23

Just re-read that you both track each other’s whereabouts - this is absolutely not normal and sounds like the relationship is already dead

Haha we use a tracking app and our relationship is far from dead 😂😂

I can also track some close friends - we set it up because we travel together regularly and it's proved quite useful.

It doesn't always have to be a negative thing 🤷🏼‍♀️

Spidey66 · 12/03/2022 20:30

@SpinsForGin

Just re-read that you both track each other’s whereabouts - this is absolutely not normal and sounds like the relationship is already dead

Haha we use a tracking app and our relationship is far from dead 😂😂

I can also track some close friends - we set it up because we travel together regularly and it's proved quite useful.

It doesn't always have to be a negative thing 🤷🏼‍♀️

It makes me laugh the way some people think they know the ins and outs of everybody else's relationships....even strangers. Yes of course it can be a tool for controlling people but that doesn't mean it's a universal fact!
Yebbie · 12/03/2022 20:35

To be completely honest, as a woman in this specify I wouldn't want my husband to not have me on find my friends. It's not exactly a rare occurrence for bad things to happen to women walking alone. I have my best friend and sister on it too and sometimes get a text from one of them saying they're walking home alone. I've text my husband a few times if I've felt a bit threatened when out, even walking the dog once and been worried someone is following me. Even if he couldn't stop anything bad happening he'd be able to see if I suddenly stopped walking or took off in a car and would be able to call the police. There's a huge safety aspect that matters a lot more to me than my privacy. I couldn't give less of a crap if people can see that I'm in Tesco, at work, at home, walking the dog. I definitely would give a shit if something happened to me and it could potentially save my life or at the very least alert someone that something was wrong.

Yebbie · 12/03/2022 20:38

Of course these things can be abused, but the type of people that will abuse things like that would find other means if it wasn't around. See apple airtags and all the dodgy stories about them lately. It was undeniable advantages when it comes to safety and we're lucky to have technology like this. Think how many women may have fared far better, or atleast their families had answers sooner if technology like this had always been around. Of course there are ways around it but you cannot deny that it could be beneficial.

greasyshoes · 12/03/2022 21:01

*I’d be embarrassed as well.

He’d be so unattractive to me after that.*

This might shock you, but men don't care whether or not you find them attractive.

SpinsForGin · 12/03/2022 22:03

It makes me laugh the way some people think they know the ins and outs of everybody else's relationships....even strangers. Yes of course it can be a tool for controlling people but that doesn't mean it's a universal fact!

Exactly, controlling people will always find ways to control other people.

A tracking app isn't necessarily an indicator of controlling behaviour.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 13/03/2022 00:04

Well, this thread went fucking mental!

Onthedunes · 13/03/2022 01:39

Can't see the problem if couples want to use FMF, it's not illegal is it.

Privacy within a relationship is between consenting adults, shaming people for being entirely open is quite patronising, many mariages police their own lives and rightly so.

Just because some people do not want these apps to become normalised for fear of appearing untrustworthy is not other people's problem. Certain people don't like a timestamp on Whatsapp, but rightly or wrongly it has become a sign of someone being, not as open as they could be. People judge on how open and transparent people are, that's how it is.

Protestations that are pointless, if you don't want to be on the app, then don't be, but don't expect to feel superior to others who use it, many use it not for nefarious reasons but for safety and love within a family.

Totally normal, and it's going to become even more normal, whether you like it or not, it is being woven into todays society as a natural progression of life, in 20/30 years time it may even be required as pre requisite for eliminating dodgy males/females to settle down with.

The key word here is choice.
It's the shaming that gets me, making people feel like they are acting criminally for knowing where their other halves are.

I live alone and I would love for someone to know where I am. Grin

Sp op, bugger the pious privacy brigade, it's your relationship, and yes your husbands been an arse (why was he on his own ?) but I suppose everyone needs a blow out now and again.

One to tell the grandkids.

Onthedunes · 13/03/2022 01:46

@greasyshoes

*I’d be embarrassed as well.

He’d be so unattractive to me after that.*

This might shock you, but men don't care whether or not you find them attractive.

This might shock you, but men don't care whether or not you find them attractive

That's a spiteful comment, why would you say that.

sashh · 13/03/2022 02:49

OP

Soon both you and DH will laugh about this, I mean the drunkenness, but actually this thread too.

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 13/03/2022 03:07

@Onthedunes

They’re right though. It’s completely weird that a few women on here are concerned about a drunken escapade once in a long marriage making a man unattractive or giving them “the ick”.

The husband got too tanked to think straight on a night out - he wasn’t playing Mr.Darcy for his wife’s pleasure.

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 13/03/2022 03:10

Idc how many people find it ok to track their partner or adult children on apps, it’s incredibly weird to want the power to do that. I’m not saying it’s abusive all the time - at the very least it is a normalised neurotic.

Also what does it being legal have to do with anything? It’s also legal to ask your partner for a full recount of their every move and every member of the opposite sex they talk to.

20 years ago putting a tracking device on your partners car would have been thought of as insane or neurotic behaviour - this is even worse but it’s becoming normalised so people don’t understand how bizzare it is - or they do and are in denial about being low level controlling of their relationship.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 13/03/2022 05:15

@GnomeDePlume

Hopefully he is now enjoying the penance that is a middle aged hangover.

Can you change his ring tone to The Proclaimers 500 Miles?

^^ Now that is funny!