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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband just bought home by police. Furious

622 replies

yellowelli · 12/03/2022 03:40

Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

OP posts:

Abouttimemum · 12/03/2022 13:21

I’d be absolutely furious if my DH was dragged home by the police - disgusting, immature behaviour. There is nothing attractive about getting shitfaced beyond recognition.

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 12/03/2022 13:26

@Abouttimemum

But what does it being attractive have to do with anything? It’s one moment in a marriage, he’s not a character in a romance designed to be attractive at all times.

Confused why people keep bringing this up. Is a husband not allowed to have “unattractive” moments sometimes? Is a wife also meant to be “attractive” at all times and be sure not to give her husband “the ick” whatever she does, every day, 24/7 for the rest of her life?

DeeCeeCherry · 12/03/2022 13:31

I feel a bit sorry for him tbh
Doesn't sound as if he's in the habit of going out and/or getting drunk.

Why were you monitoring his every move whilst he was on a night out? He's not living under a regime. I'm happy to check in with DP via text once or twice maximum if I'm on a night out with mates, but he'd get short shrift if he kept on trying to contact me. He'd never do that anyway and I wouldnt accept it.

I'd have gone to sleep in your shoes. After you'd checked and traced him to a nightclub, that should have been it. He's a grown man. 2am? Im often not even home from a night out yet at that time, or at least only just on my way home.

I hope you're not going to look for ways to penalise him or if you do, that its not going to drag on for days. Theres just no point to that.

The man made a mistake. Hes likely feeling sheepish and embarassed enough.

Glad the police found him and brought him home safe.

TYbakedpotato · 12/03/2022 13:33

It sounds like he made a mistake and drank too much, as opposed to had his drink spiked, or drank too much because he was sitting on some bad news. So I'd treat it as a one-off and try to move on and get over the ick.

And yeah, I agree that as long as you're dipping into FMF for valid reasons (like, shall I put the dinner on?) rather than staring it all day, it's not a problem.

StrawberryPot · 12/03/2022 13:33

Why were you monitoring his every move whilst he was on a night out?

She wasn't.

Cameleongirl · 12/03/2022 13:34

This is about him being in such a state of incapacity that he lost his stuff, and was staggering around a main road on a filthy night. This is about him being in such a state of incapacity that he lost his stuff, and was staggering around a main road on a filthy night.

Exactly! My DH (late 40's) has come home drunk and silly on several occasions, the most recent being last weekend. I usually direct him to the spare room, because he snores so loudly when he's had a few. As do I, apparently.

But he's never staggered home down a main road in the dark, he's always been capable of getting a taxi/Uber home. I'd be angry if he endangered himself like that. Anyway, I'm glad it's worked out OK, OP. When he's fully recovered, I'd mention how worried you were about him and how important he is to your family - it's not about you being controlling, it's about him keeping himself safe for your children's sake, they need their Dad.

Abouttimemum · 12/03/2022 13:36

@BigOlDingleSlinger69

Well yeah if he gets home slightly worse for wear and vommed in the loo before collapsing pissed in bed i’d understand that happens to most people now and again. This is whole other level.

If you’re fine with it that’s your prerogative. Not for me thanks. I prefer people who can make their own way home.

toomanydogsandcats · 12/03/2022 13:37

Deal Dealbreaker the absolute declaration of the unqualified, safe SAHM

toomanydogsandcats · 12/03/2022 13:41

Don't you just love MN when you have a long drive, leaving a fairly reasonable thread and then come back to 8 pages of nutters

pinkpirlie · 12/03/2022 13:41

Reminds me of the time, many years ago, my partner went out, called me up and asked me to collect him as he was wasted. I asked him where he was and he said "in a bar" and hung up.
We laugh about it now, but took me ages to find him and wasn't best pleased at the time.

toomanydogsandcats · 12/03/2022 13:42

Imagine the divorce petition. Went out on his own once and got pissed

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 12/03/2022 13:44

@toomanydogsandcats

Went out on his own once and got pissed
Additional notes: It was unattractive, ick

implantreplace · 12/03/2022 13:45

@toomanydogsandcats

Imagine the divorce petition. Went out on his own once and got pissed

Yes because that is precisely what happened 🙄

Cameleongirl · 12/03/2022 13:45

@pinkpirlie I once rang my DH at 3 a.m. as he said he'd be home by 1ish. I asked where he was and he said "on X's boat, we're eating crabs!"
I knew X had a boat, apparently they'd decided to go sailing and had moored up somewhere to eat crabs and drink (more) beer.

It was surreal!

ReeseWitherfork · 12/03/2022 13:53

@yellowelli

Multiple people are latching on to the fact I track him on an app and saying what a red flag that would be and how bad it would be the other way round. Do you understand how find my friends works? It's a safety thing that we both consented to have each other on. We both use it to see if the other is nearly home, so we can have dinner sorted. It's an app. I haven't put a tracking device on his car. He's text me before making jokes about me being at McDonald's. Its not stalking being able to see where your partner is if it's something you both consented, decided and choose to share. Bonkers suggesting otherwise. Having your partner on find my friends isn't unusual?!

I thought the whole point of it was to keep an eye when DH is on his way home so that I can make sure he catches me folding washing or hoovering. "Oh yeah, been doing housework for hours...."

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/03/2022 14:02

Really stupid and I would be angry but in time it’ll fade. For a man who doesn’t often get drunk or go out he was obviously just enjoying himself and went past the point of no return.

I’m sure you’ll feel differently in a couple of days and after a proper nights sleep!

Anna197264 · 12/03/2022 14:04

When I recently went on my first night out in nearly 12 months I got unexpectedly very drunk. One minute I was fine. The next I absolutely wasn’t. It was awful. Fortunately my friend got me home but I was so embarrassed the next day. See how he is and I’d be tempted to cut him a break. He’s not an awful person he just got carried away.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/03/2022 14:05

@Anna197264

Exactly!! Voice of reason 🙌

SwishSwishBisch · 12/03/2022 14:06

@yellowelli A friend of mine was knocked down and killed in pretty much these exact circumstances some years ago, leaving a wife and two kids behind. I sincerely hope you show a few of these stories to your DH and that he sorts his priorities out

GiftWrappingLikeItsXmasEve · 12/03/2022 14:09

I’d be same OP, I don’t think anything you’ve done is remotely controlling, it’s care and concern from literally his next of kin!

However his intention when going out was to get taxi home. He wasn’t even that late getting back really. He might not remember much and it’s reasonable to say to him you can’t stop thinking about what might have been it would only have taken one drunken step onto the road, but in the end he is home safe.

Pedallleur · 12/03/2022 14:10

He got home safe. It's not happened before and hopefully won't happen again. He was lucky. Maybe a night in the cells sobering up would have been better but I'm sure he isn't feeling too great about it.

ScrambledSmegs · 12/03/2022 14:21

People who have Find My Friends and other similar apps don't spend their entire time monitoring each other like the FSB you know.

DH cycles so it's reassuring when he's later than expected, He had a bad cycling accident some years ago now and FMF was literally a life-saver for him.

Offside · 12/03/2022 14:21

@avamiah

Firstly I’d like to say that i don’t wish to offend OP but I have literally just laughed out loud after reading how her husband told the police that if he walks straight he will end up home.hahaha

No harm was done and he got home safe and at the end of the day he was spotted by the police who of course had a duty of care to stop and check he was ok and after finding his address from his licence took him home.

Everything ended well .

I agree with this. I think there’s a LOT of overreaction on this thread. He’s a grown man, the fact he doesn’t go out often or drink often is probably the reason why he’s so pissed. He’s safe and as far as I can tell hasn’t hurt anyone. The worse thing he has done is take police resource but can’t imagine for a long time.

And I can hear the responses now…’exactly, he’s a grown man so should know better’…well, most of us have times where we over indulge, we’re all entitled to let our hair down once in a while.

GnomeDePlume · 12/03/2022 14:24

Hopefully he is now enjoying the penance that is a middle aged hangover.

Can you change his ring tone to The Proclaimers 500 Miles?

StrawberryPot · 12/03/2022 14:26

well, most of us have times where we over indulge, we’re all entitled to let our hair down once in a while.

Totally agree. But not if it means one tiny misstep could result in death or serious injury.

The 'no harm done' mentality is one shared by those who drink and drive - they got home safely, so no harm done ....

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