Husband just bought home by police. Furious

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Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

Oh stop it. The man let loose. Once!!

It was dumb. But....it was a once off.

@Anna197264

When I recently went on my first night out in nearly 12 months I got unexpectedly very drunk. One minute I was fine. The next I absolutely wasn’t. It was awful. Fortunately my friend got me home but I was so embarrassed the next day. See how he is and I’d be tempted to cut him a break. He’s not an awful person he just got carried away.

Wtf is unexpectedly drunk. Alcohol consumption eventually leads to being merry-drunk-comatose drunk. Are you not aware of this, surely every adult knows drinking means you might end up drunk and out of control. £52 billion is the cited cost of excessive alcohol consumption, 1.2 billion just on drunken behavior alone. How is this funny, he wasn't tipsy he was in real danger of death. It's not funny, I lost a friend who was knocked over and killed in similar circumstances.

I used to work in hospitality and event promotions, excessive drunkards are not funny, at a minimum you are a private-public nuisance.

I’d be annoyed in your position and embarrassed. But you’re saying it’s out of character for him. If he’s apologetic about it when he wakes up I’d let it go. We all make mistakes and do silly things sometimes.

@WonderfulYou

Just re-read that you both track each other’s whereabouts - this is absolutely not normal and sounds like the relationship is already dead.

Oh fuck off. You clearly have never had a relationship that requires complicated logistics/long travel periods/difficult jobs that mean you cant always respond. There's a VERY big difference to "tracking each other" and "having the ability to make sure someone is ok at 3am because their shift normally finishes at 2am and they're not home yet".

Christ.

OP your response was completely normal - it's the people who think his behaviour is okay or that it's wrong to check when someone doesn't come home as expected who are the weirdos!
My brother used to do this sort of thing - got brought home by the police after walking up the dual carriageway in a t-shirt, in the rain. He fell asleep on the policeman's shoulder in the back of the car, he was so out of it. Dickhead! If he'd been killed that night, and he do easily could have been, it would have ruined all our lives.
Thankfully he's grown up a lot since he got married. And he has a wife with standards, who would rightfully not tolerate this shit!

Chill out!

I can fully understand you be upset and feeling let down. However he went out on rare night out and got rat arsed. It hardly makes him the devil does it. Don't get me wrong it'd be different thing if it was happening weekly

OP, you’re not being unreasonable at all. There is a huge difference between between someone being drunk and being so drunk they’re behaving recklessly. I’d be furious too (as an aside, a friend’s husband was killed crossing the road in broad daylight last month so it was reckless, you’re right).

My husband doesn’t go out often either (totally his choice, he’s more of a homebody than me) and we have ‘find my phone’ on each other’s phones because we don’t lie about our whereabouts and sometimes it’s useful when the other can’t answer the phone (when stuck in traffic and late home for example.

We’re very happily married and if he was found drunk out of his mind wandering down a main road in the small hours I too would be very angry (as I imagine he would be if I put myself in that situation).

I’d give up OP. There are a significant number of posters on here who can’t stand the idea that some relationships are just normal, no abuse, control or anything else. My husband and I check each others location all the time for all manner of practical reasons, with complete transparency and trustful understanding. Totally normal for many, many people. There’s just a contingent of lunatic posters on here who insist that literally everything is controlling abuse. It’s insulting to people in actually abusive relationships.

Glad things have worked out. I totally get why you were mortified and furious last night but sounds like it was a genuinely regretted mistake on his part and overall it sounds like you have a good relationship so I’m sure this will blow over.

Sadly there’s just no place for normal relationship ups and downs on mumsnet these days.

@WonderfulYou

Just re-read that you both track each other’s whereabouts - this is absolutely not normal and sounds like the relationship is already dead.

Who are you to pronounce what’s normal in a relationship?!

And how sad for you that you assume it means a dead relationship and not, for example, me checking how far from home DH is at the end of the day so I can time our dinner which we’ll enjoy together.

I’m willing to bet you’ve not had a huge amount of experience of a mature, trusting and loving adult relationship where sharing your lives and all the day to day practicalities means that being able to quickly check where the other one is can be really handy?

I’d give up OP.

I think she has - very sensibly!

@Wideblueyonder

And there’s many more people who find it strange than people think it’s completely normal to want the ability to be able to check your partners location at all times or to feel comfortable with that.

@WonderfulYou

This just absolutely baffles me?! I work in a hospital, I can't reply all the time, there's nothing wrong at all with him checking to see if I've left yet if it's his night to get dinner on.

I work in a school, I’m not allowed my phone out - I can still send a text when I’ve finished to let someone know I’m leaving.

There is absolutely no need to check the tracker at all with things like needing to put dinner on etc.

It is an excuse for couples who don’t trust each other to make sure they are where they say they are but dress it up like it’s a safety or convenience thing like it’s impossible to send a quick text.

Bollocks. Traffic jam, crash holding people up. Etc etc. maybe start using that thing in your skull.

These people who track their other half and their children should watch Black Mirror Arkangel” because that’s where they are heading for
Everyone need places of solitude to retreat to, places where we are free of the gaze of others in order to relax and feel at ease, for God sake, even my dog who always want attention, leaves the room when he had enough

If it’s a complete one off and he’s otherwise a good man, I think he’ll be punishing himself and be utterly embarrassed. He probably feels like a total twat.

As for the ‘tracking’ each other, my partner, me and kids use the iPhone app to see where we all are at times. It’s no big deal if everyone’s aware and it’s not used to control anyone. When my partner worked in the office, I’d sometimes check if he’d left and then him a call, rather than disturbing him at work. Or I’ll check if my son is on his way home from college on a Friday so we can order a takeaway without it being cold when he gets in. None of us are constantly checking where the others are, but it’s useful at times.

Only read your posts, OP. You are not being unreasonable and he was an idiot. Hopefully it will have given him the shock he needed not to do that again. And no, you are not controlling/abusive/whatever. Blimey mumsnet seems like a fight club at times.

YANBU OP.

I would have been very angry in this situation and he would definitely have known about it when he woke up.

Getting so drunk you risk your life and end up being brought home by the police is ridiculous. I'm surprised that so many think it's OK.
Using FMF is fine as long as both parties are aware, it's not like you stuck a tracker under his collar so you knew where he was without his knowledge.

If he walks straight he'll end up home 🤣 classic

Lighten up Op, you said yourself hes never out, I could see your point if he got brought home from the police every weekend

Where were his friends in all of this? Yes he's an adult but I'm well into my 40s and would not leave my friends if I could see they were in this kind of state. In fact even if they were completely sober i'd always check how they were getting home if it wasn't obvious.

Hope you are ok today and hope he has the worst hangover and is very contrite!

I’m so surprised at the amount of people who think being linked on find my friends is weird and or controlling. I have family, friends and spouse on mine and vice Versa. It’s a safety thing, and sure particularly when married that person should be the one who trust above all others in the world so imo it would be strange not to want to be able to have mutual reassurance if something was wrong or convenience ref time expected home etc. suspected cheating or trying to catch out doesn’t come it to it. So odd to me. i think there is a lot projection going on in this thread.

This thread is batshit. OP you do not have to explain yourself to anyone. DH was a dick and I am sure he deeply regrets it now, I am guessing he isn't feeling too hot!

Your relationship sounds great to me op, ignore all the weirdos.

[quote BigOlDingleSlinger69]@Wideblueyonder

And there’s many more people who find it strange than people think it’s completely normal to want the ability to be able to check your partners location at all times or to feel comfortable with that.[/quote]
Maybe, maybe not. Guess what - there’s all sorts that varies between different couples in terms of how they choose to live their lives. As long as everyone is happy and aware then live and let live. It’s the confident declarations of what’s normal and not that annoy me. How arrogant do you have to be to assert than only your way is ‘normal’!

It’s really sad that some people are so narrow minded they can’t imagine that other people just feel differently to one another and then shrug and move on. I don’t really care tbh if someone thinks my husband and I don’t trust one another. Just makes me pity them for being unable to comprehend a genuinely trustful relationship, without assuming there are always covert motivations for everything. Think what you like, I know my reality.

I probably check my husband’s location once a week or so for practical reasons like will he get back in time to pick the kids up…not like he would be able to text me on the motorway. Open your mind and stop imagining we sit there all day every day hitting refresh and panicking about infidelity

Hopefully you'll be able to laugh about this in years to come. I'd react the way you have but then see the funny side eventually. He must be mortified. He's obviously not the spring chicken he thought he was.

@Monzeitia

These people who track their other half and their children should watch Black Mirror Arkangel” because that’s where they are heading for Everyone need places of solitude to retreat to, places where we are free of the gaze of others in order to relax and feel at ease, for God sake, even my dog who always want attention, leaves the room when he had enough

Do you imagine we literally stare at it all day?! Your post is baffling…I don’t ‘gaze’ at my husband on find my friends, I might glance to check if he’ll be back before dinner is ashes

I do, it’s just not ok, if I want to go to Next after work to buy a dress that I don’t really need but I saw a coworker wearing it, I can go, buy the flipping dress and regret it after, my husband doesn’t need to know, it’s called boundaries within a relationship