Husband just bought home by police. Furious

[yellowelli]

Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

[quote BigOlDingleSlinger69]@Monzeitia

People will try to turn this round on you questioning them wanting to be aware of where their partner is at every time but really their behaviour is quite strange. A lot of people are literally defending it as “well neither of us have anything to hide so why shouldn’t we track each other 24/7?” One person even making their college age son go on it? Wow, just wow.

And this is all totally normal on a site that’s all about calling out “red flags” and “controlling behaviour”. If your partners going to be late from work or is in traffic, guess what they can text you, or you can text them.

Some people have got so emotionally dependent on being able to contact their loved ones by mobile phone at any time that they’ve progressed to literally needing to be able to have constant access to their location. It’s completely weird and cringey.[/quote]
Not sure where to start with this steaming pile of horse shit. So weirdly superior, yet brimming with narrow minded ignorance.

What on earth has to be wrong with you as a person to find it ‘weird and cringey’ that some people make different choices to you and that they are (shock horror) happy and secure in how they live their relationships despite that (again, shock horror) being different to you?

Poor you is all I can say. It must be hard going through life so confused and offended by the fact that people are different and make different choices.

And I’m appalled by the number of people advocating texting and calling while driving. Genuinely shocked that in this day and age people are still stupid and selfish enough to be doing that

Can't explain*
And navigates me to him*

@PourSomeLove

I’m not saying it’s all about control or it’s abusive (though it could certainly be used that way) for many. I’m saying it’s a neurotic and weird thing to feel that you want to have the capacity to know someone’s whereabouts at any time - should you want to. And it’s an odd thing to accept someone else being able to know of you.

We literally live in an age where you can reach every one on their mobile to ask them any little question you want. This is just completely neurotic overkill.

When I imagine the kind of people who are all comfortable with this I’m thinking the type of people who make visitors wear socks in the house and have a large posed family picture on the mantle. I just can’t imagine thinking this is a remotely normal or desirable way to live.

@Libertybear80

He never goes out?! Give the poor guy a break and be thankful the police did find him and he wasn't hit by a car!

This ..

@LadyLothbrook

I’m not saying it’s always controlling. Just that it’s weird and stifling.

I understand the 'by consent' argument - but what if you don't consent? Would you be regarded as being shifty? If a 17 yo didn't give consent, what would you do? Would you end up having to agree, just to prove that you weren't up to no good? The whole thing is a minefield.

My son is 18, he can turn it off if he wants to. If he ever did, its likely I wouldn’t notice as it’s used so rarely. He does what he wants.

@PourSomeLove

Really? So if he had it off for a week and you didn’t know why you wouldn’t bring it up?
If he wanted to get rid of it you wouldn’t ask why?

@BigOlDingleSlinger69

I do understand your point and I guess I'm abit hypocritical because if a new partner suggested it I'd tell him to take a walk. It's only because I know my husband and I know we genuinely use it for a background safety feature that I have it on. I can count on one hand how many times I've checked his over the years and it's always been when there's cause for concern. I do agree that some will use it to check up on there partners whereabouts due to mistrust.

I understand the 'by consent' argument - but what if you don't consent? Would you be regarded as being shifty?

Of course they would.
It’s the same old ‘if you love and trust me you would do it’ line.

It’s never ‘let me turn this tracker on so you have no chance to ever cheat or do anything without me knowing’ it’s always ‘why don’t we turn it on incase there’s an emergency or so I can have your dinner coming out of the oven the exact second you turn the door handle’.

It seems for many posters on here they are the ones who want the tracking app and then their DH does it too but i hope those who do it because it was their DH’s idea have read this thread and made them think about how unhealthy it is.

If you are putting it on for long journeys, walking up mountains etc then fine but then you’d surely turn it off as soon as you get home safely or in normal day to day circumstances?

If it’s a child then fair enough, you need to know where they are.
But an adult no way unless they have dementia or something for their own safety.

Let’s not normalise behaviours that are unacceptable.

And I’m appalled by the number of people advocating texting and calling while driving. Genuinely shocked that in this day and age people are still stupid and selfish enough to be doing that

@Wideblueyonder where has anyone advocated texting or calling whilst driving?

Sounds like you’ve tried to use a distraction tactic there. I wonder why

@yellowelli

Mumsnet bingo here - controlling wife, you must treat your anxiety and the good old 'you sound like hard work.' I've said my piece on what I think about this. I can't get behind it myself.

I'm going to retreat for this reason, but thank you to the genuine posters, who's sole reason for being on this board isn't to tear women down, for taking the time to respond.

Just like to reassure you OP. My DS , father of 2DC,went out for Boozy do, fell asleep at station and missed train home. Had to get train to another town, then taxi. Phone dead so DIL couldn’t contact. She was about to call police when he turned up. He’s a police officer, he would never have lived it down. DIL claimed the right to spend equivalent of taxi fare on herself 😂

I love how bossy MN is at times.

You mustn't use a tracker on phones, even if it suits you and your family circumstances because it's INVASIVE and CONTROLLING and MN SAYS SO

@Wideblueyonder

I think your response is much more of a “steaming pile of horse shit” than what you replied to.

Firstly, absolutely no one in this thread has advocated for using a phone while driving. Most cars have Bluetooth capability which means phone calls are entirely hands free, and is legal. Even if you didn’t feel comfortable doing that, it takes absolutely zero effort to make a phone call/send a text before setting off on your journey home, or while in the workplace if you can see things are going to run over your usual end time.

The app also doesn’t provide any context to a situation at all. A lot of people are citing safety as a reason (which is valid in a rare few circumstances), but how does knowing someone’s location equate to knowing that they’re safe? If someone’s app stops working on a motorway, does that mean they’ve been in a crash or it’s bad traffic? If someone hasn’t left work on time, does it mean something has happened or meeting has ran on for too long? Context is necessary.

I find this whole situation quite grim as well. Husband doesn’t bother telling Wife he’ll be late home but expects his dinner to be ready upon arrival so Wifey has to check his location every 10 minutes to see if he’s left yet? . Because he can’t be arsed saying “will be late home”? Really?

Are people really trying to come on here and say the app saves them soooooo much time? Yes, because constantly checking an app and guessing definitely doesn’t waste time at all, does it?

The whole thing is invasive and it is weird. Women have fought for years for freedom, yet we allow men to track our location at all hours of day and night.

I guarantee if there are two people in a relationship and they’re using a tracking app, the only reason one person consents to it is so they can keep an eye on their partner. It’s dressed up as a mutual decision, but it has a real stench of control underneath.

The reality is, there are very few reasons to use the app where a text or phone-call wouldn’t suffice. Otherwise every single person in the UK would use it.

This thread has certainly been an insight, anyway. I genuinely had no idea so many people were happy that their every move was being tracked.

@WonderfulYou

And I’m appalled by the number of people advocating texting and calling while driving. Genuinely shocked that in this day and age people are still stupid and selfish enough to be doing that

@Wideblueyonder where has anyone advocated texting or calling whilst driving?

Sounds like you’ve tried to use a distraction tactic there. I wonder why

Literally someone just upthread said:

If your partners going to be late from work or is in traffic, guess what they can text you, or you can text them.

No, in slowly moving traffic people should not call or text or read or respond messages they receive.

There’s plenty of other examples I could quote from the thread if I could be bothered.

And as for distraction techniques….I think you’re enormously over estimating how invested I am in what people on mumsnet think of my views!

As I’ve stated several times, I’m happy and content with my boundaries about FMF and am happy to repeat that as many times as you like. No ‘desire’ to distract anyone.

Such a shame how mumsnet is overrun with snippy bitchiness like your post. People constantly trying to belittle others through the oh so witty use of emojis. Yawn.

If your partners going to be late from work or is in traffic, guess what they can text you, or you can text them.

No, in slowly moving traffic people should not call or text or read or respond messages they receive.

You do realise it’s possible to text or call before you leave.
Or ring or text using the Bluetooth or voice control.
Or you use phone if at a complete stop because of a traffic jam.

Worst comes to worst you can check the internet for any accidents or hold ups on the roads or more realistically if they’re in slow moving traffic just get home a few minutes later without needing to update anyone or anyone needing to check the exact minute they’ll be home by.

People constantly trying to belittle others through the oh so witty use of emojis.

You used an emoji yourself!!
😂🤦‍♀️ how embarrassing.

@Nanny0gg

Yes it’s people who don’t use trackers on their partners phones who are bossy

@WonderfulYou

If your partners going to be late from work or is in traffic, guess what they can text you, or you can text them.

No, in slowly moving traffic people should not call or text or read or respond messages they receive.

You do realise it’s possible to text or call before you leave.
Or ring or text using the Bluetooth or voice control.
Or you use phone if at a complete stop because of a traffic jam.

Worst comes to worst you can check the internet for any accidents or hold ups on the roads or more realistically if they’re in slow moving traffic just get home a few minutes later without needing to update anyone or anyone needing to check the exact minute they’ll be home by.

Before you leave you don’t always know there will be traffic coming up along the way. However, I absolutely agree there are several other ways to check for likely hold ups. Personally I find FMF the easiest and as my husband is happy with that, that’s what works for us. I also personally believe it’s safer than any form of phone use behind the wheel, it can always be a momentary distraction. I haven’t once said that this is an essential method with no alternatives. Just that it works well for us and we’re comfortable with it. You’re arguing with a point I am literally not making!

Such a shame how mumsnet is overrun with snippy bitchiness like your post

Oh come on now, your posts have been just as bad in that regard. You’ve been pretty snippy yourself when defending your tracker.

All this tracker talk has made me really wish I had one. I could go into it right now and see that my partner is at work. And he could log in and see that I am at home.

Oh wait, we both know that anyway. He texted me upon arriving and when he took a break. I have responded to these texts. I must be a lucky gal for having a partner who has the time to text me! Maybe I should ask him to send me photographic evidence of his office with a time and date stamp on it and I’ll send him one back of our living room just so we can be 100% sure I haven’t hidden the kids and went off for the night to shag around.

What he did wasn't that bad. Strong words and then it's over. He got too drunk, phone died, and he walked home when he shouldn't of.

Couldn’t get worked up about this. He got drunk and started walking home.

Iv done the same and even gone in a random mans car who offered me a lift. Now that was stupid.

The tracker is weird though. Never understand why people feel the need to track their partners

@WonderfulYou

People constantly trying to belittle others through the oh so witty use of emojis.

You used an emoji yourself!!
😂🤦‍♀️ how embarrassing.

I could literally not be less embarrassed.

Backing away from this loony thread now. Back to my real life where people are a little kinder and saner.

@PizzaCrust

Such a shame how mumsnet is overrun with snippy bitchiness like your post

Oh come on now, your posts have been just as bad in that regard. You’ve been pretty snippy yourself when defending your tracker.

All this tracker talk has made me really wish I had one. I could go into it right now and see that my partner is at work. And he could log in and see that I am at home.

Oh wait, we both know that anyway. He texted me upon arriving and when he took a break. I have responded to these texts. I must be a lucky gal for having a partner who has the time to text me! Maybe I should ask him to send me photographic evidence of his office with a time and date stamp on it and I’ll send him one back of our living room just so we can be 100% sure I haven’t hidden the kids and went off for the night to shag around.

I agree actually, I have been bitchier on this thread than I would like. One reason why I’ll leave it there. The narrow minded lunatics are rubbing off on me and clearly not having a great influence!

Maybe I should ask him to send me photographic evidence of his office with a time and date stamp on it and I’ll send him one back of our living room just so we can be 100% sure I haven’t hidden the kids and went off for the night to shag around.

You joke but this is what my friend used to have to do - literally take pictures when she got to work, tesco, her parents etc and her partner would then even ring her work or parents randomly to try and catch her out.
He now just uses the tracking app.