The affair is destroying my family

[barclay20q]

My wife’s affair has destroyed our family and is ripping through us like a cancer.

Since the affair was disclosed just under a year ago, the aftermath of the affair has destroyed my life, my family and is continuing to destroy the little that we do have left.

Since D-Day, my wife has done everything she possibly can to try and fix and help me heal. Cut contact with the affair partner, changed mobile numbers, come off social media, moved city, changed cars. But it’s been hard work and it’s getting harder. Time should be making things better, but things feel like are getting worse.

I have always had a problem with her version of events. I have never, really been given the full story from start to finish. I have always been given parts of what happened and filled in the blanks myself. She doesn’t rub my face in it but stick by the fact that he made her happy but she doesn’t want him. She wants us and only us. He was a massive mistake and she wants to get on with our lives.

But How ?

How do you really move on? When in the back of my mind is what they did, what they felt and the biggest one is how she could even do it when she had a loving family at home.

She is always showing me love, sending texts saying she loves me and we will get through this. Why isn’t this enough? I get triggered by texts that she sends to me and I think did she say that to him?

At this stage I understand I won’t be over it, but shouldn’t I at least be at a stage where we don’t argue, bicker or fight every day and discus the affair? She is giving answers and I’m not accepting them. It’s like unless the answer she gives, hurts me in some way, I don’t believe it.

I have a feeling I’m not getting the whole story. The story doesn’t add up. Should I leave it and try and move on, as I really want my wife and my family back, or do I continue to try and get what I believe may be the truth, but then there is always a possibility that she has given me the truth and I’m just pushing her away.

My biggest fear is that she still has feelings, no matter how small for her affair partner and there is always a chance this can start up all over again. You can’t have a 2 month physical and emotional affair and come away with no feelings. Like she is trying to get me to believe. It’s clear the affair partner meant something to her, but she denies this and says the affair was a mistake and he meant and means nothing.

Isn’t this what cheaters normally say

If I were you, it would be the end of my marriage.
What you have to think about is if you can get over it and carry on. How long are you going to give it before you decide.

@GeneLovesJezebel

I see what you mean, but this is my life and my family. We have been together many, many years. I always said I wouldn't stand for cheating, but now I'm here its not that easy to walk away.

Just because she didn't honour her vows, doesn't mean I wont.

So are you going to live this life forever ?
I’m not sure what you really want from this .

[quote barclay20q]@GeneLovesJezebel

I see what you mean, but this is my life and my family. We have been together many, many years. I always said I wouldn't stand for cheating, but now I'm here its not that easy to walk away.

Just because she didn't honour her vows, doesn't mean I wont.[/quote]
Have you had any kind of counselling at all, either together or by yourself?

You really only have 2 choices, you put it behind you. You stop thinking about it. If you are unable to do that then you really have no choice but to do do what @GeneLovesJezebel says.

You seem unwilling to believe anything she says. She could easily have had a short infatuation, and have no lasting feelings for this person. You can't continue to let it eat you up, it will destroy both of you.

Just because she didn't honour her vows, doesn't mean I wont.

Being a martyr will get you exactly no where. Your marriage is over. Accept it and move on.

Can you get yourself to some private individual counselling that might help you move through this awful process. You are absolutely right in thinking that there were feelings for this man before the affair started and after and it is to her detriment that she wont be truthful to you about this. One thing you must live with is the fact you will never, ever get the full version of events. What your wife is giving you is the version that is the least damaging so you will stay with her. It is not the truth but part truth. Thats why you know it isn't the full story. I am afraid if you want to stay with your wife you have to realise your marriage is dead but a different marriage has to come out of this affair. Some become stronger and some do not survive as the betrayal cannot be overcome. Some cheaters return to their affair partners and some sever all ties as your wife has done. One year out of discovery is still very raw and without major support from a therapist you may not come through this at all. You must get help for both of you if this is really what you want. It is also ok to realise that the damage is so deep it cannot be fixed and you will need to move forward without your wife before your mental health takes a hitting and you spend the rest of your life in purgatory.

I too thought I could get over it. Spent two years in marriage counselling, really did persevere with trying to make my marriage work after my dh had an affair.

After two years of trying, and giving it my best efforts, I left. However, left with my head held high that I had tried.

The scars didn't heal for me, and I was happier to live with a period of sadness, rather than a lifetime of it. I am now in a new relationship and have made peace with my life moving on.

Don't let this be a millstone around your neck if you can't move forward.

I am very sorry this happened in your marriage after so many years and you are now left in this state - wanting to keep the marriage but unable to forget the betrayal.

What is it about her story you don’t believe, that you think doesn’t add up?

Why would that aspect matter to you? If you know she had the affair, and you know it is over, what is it about those details you think don’t add up that you think would make a difference?

@GeneLovesJezebel

I know we cant live like this forever, but what i want from this is my family back, my wife back and to put this behind us. People do it don't they?

@Shmithecat2

Im having IC at the moment and that will move to CC after thats completed. She is willing to do what ever to try and fix this

@LadyDanburysHat

Do people really have affairs and come away with no feelings. She had no plan on ending the affair before she sperted it out in anger one evening.

Aquamarine1029

Im not trying to be a martyr. Im trying to fix something that she has broken. I know that takes two but people manage to do it. I just dont see how as its so hard.

This is difficult. I agree with @LadyDanburysHat.
Two choices - you go scorched earth. Start over, never ever mention the affair or OM again, try your utmost best to never think about it, seek counselling to help you overcome any emotional issues as a result and start over, offering your partner a second chance.

OR you recognise that the relationship has been irrevocably damaged, the trust has gone, and you make plans to separate and/or divorce.

You can’t do a combination of both - stay together for the child but let this destroy you emotionally.

Good luck, OP. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.

‘People do it don’t they ?’ - I’ve not met one yet.

It's hard because your trust in her is completely gone. You can't be married to someone you don't trust.

Actually it takes one. You.

If you can make that mental shift then yes, your marriage could survive.

If you cannot make that mental shift then no, it won't survive and you would best be honest with yourself and saying it out loud.

Neither option is right or wrong, it is absolutely down to you, your heart, your head, your feelings. You are who you are and have no need to change that in order to be someone you are not, that will only hurt you and your family even more.

What your wife says and does is immaterial until you have reconciled yourself either way.

So be really honest in your next counseling session. Say out loud what is in your heart, let your head make sense of it and go from there.

But don't let anyone else try and tell you that you are wrong. You can't be. You can only be you.

@litterbird

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Your right. I may never get the full version of events. Do details matter i keep asking myself. But to me they really do

@sunlovingcriminal

Im sorry things didn't work out for you. But I'm glad you ended up coming out on top with a new happy relationship. Gives people like me hope just incase i cant get over it.

@ScrollingLeaves

I do see what your trying to say. The fact is she had an affair and now she is saying its over. Im having problems believing that she didn't have any feelings for him what soever. Not in the affair or when it stopped. She does admit that he made her happy at the time and there were times when she missed him. But since the affair ended she states she didn't miss him, didn't and doesn't think about him and she doesn't and didn't have any feelings for him. She risked her family for 2 months to be with this person. How is that possible. I asked was it about sex and she said no, I said it has to be about feelings then and she states the whole thing meant nothing. It was a massive mistake and should never have happened.

I have read it can take 5-6 years to really get past an affair.

Speaking about someone I know that is about right. The cheated on spouse had therapy for this and other things which helped but I suspect what helped her was time, the fact she still loved her dh and promised to stay while she still loved him. One sticking point is the dh blaming his wife for one aspect of it and while there is some truth in what her say,s, she tells me it really really hurts.

Who are these people you’re thinking of that have fixed it? I’ve never heard or met anyone who has. I can understand why you’re clinging to the idea but I don’t think it’s true

@SunshineCake1

I was hoping it would be more like 3 years and thought that was a long time. But i suppose everyone is different. Even though my wife has done wrong i cant see her putting up with my questions every day for the next 5 years.

@Choice4567

I have done research on the internet. People must get though this. There must be people on here thats going through the process or come out the other end. It cant all be doom and gloom can it?

What's your real motivation for badgering your wife with questions every day? Is it really for "answers" or is it a way to keep punishing her? I don't think you're being honest with yourself at all.

Would you consider therapy to help you examine your feelings of betrayal, mistrust and anger to try to get to a place of acceptance.

@Aquamarine1029

What's your real motivation for badgering your wife with questions every day? Is it really for "answers" or is it a way to keep punishing her? I don't think you're being honest with yourself at all.

This.

Why don't you ask him? I know it sounds a bit 'out there' but at least you would have more information. Currently you are at impasse in your marriage and in your head. Something has to change in order to move forward. You might find that he comes across as a total player and almost as if your wife is his 'victim' in some small way? It will adjust your feelings about the whole thing one way or another.

You can't go on like this.

The situation you're in now is exactly the same as I was. He moved jobs (ap was a work colleague), cut all contact etc etc, but I never got the full story. That for me was the key, I think if he'd been completely open and honest with me, I might have been able to get past it. But He only ever admitted to what I could prove. After a while he started then saying he couldn't remember when we talked about it. We limped on for a further 3 years and then split. We split because I found out that a lot more had happened than I thought, so I felt he'd lied to me for a further 3 years.