The affair is destroying my family

[barclay20q]

My wife’s affair has destroyed our family and is ripping through us like a cancer.

Since the affair was disclosed just under a year ago, the aftermath of the affair has destroyed my life, my family and is continuing to destroy the little that we do have left.

Since D-Day, my wife has done everything she possibly can to try and fix and help me heal. Cut contact with the affair partner, changed mobile numbers, come off social media, moved city, changed cars. But it’s been hard work and it’s getting harder. Time should be making things better, but things feel like are getting worse.

I have always had a problem with her version of events. I have never, really been given the full story from start to finish. I have always been given parts of what happened and filled in the blanks myself. She doesn’t rub my face in it but stick by the fact that he made her happy but she doesn’t want him. She wants us and only us. He was a massive mistake and she wants to get on with our lives.

But How ?

How do you really move on? When in the back of my mind is what they did, what they felt and the biggest one is how she could even do it when she had a loving family at home.

She is always showing me love, sending texts saying she loves me and we will get through this. Why isn’t this enough? I get triggered by texts that she sends to me and I think did she say that to him?

At this stage I understand I won’t be over it, but shouldn’t I at least be at a stage where we don’t argue, bicker or fight every day and discus the affair? She is giving answers and I’m not accepting them. It’s like unless the answer she gives, hurts me in some way, I don’t believe it.

I have a feeling I’m not getting the whole story. The story doesn’t add up. Should I leave it and try and move on, as I really want my wife and my family back, or do I continue to try and get what I believe may be the truth, but then there is always a possibility that she has given me the truth and I’m just pushing her away.

My biggest fear is that she still has feelings, no matter how small for her affair partner and there is always a chance this can start up all over again. You can’t have a 2 month physical and emotional affair and come away with no feelings. Like she is trying to get me to believe. It’s clear the affair partner meant something to her, but she denies this and says the affair was a mistake and he meant and means nothing.

Isn’t this what cheaters normally say

I say either forgive her or don’t. It sounds like she has done everything to try and move on but your not letting it go.
Move on .

@barclay20q. What your dw did really hurts but if you want your marriage to survive then you need to make a decision to put the affair behind you.
I had a good friend whose dp cheated.
The marriage finally ended because my friend couldn’t let it go. Every time her dp entered the room she screamed at him.
Finally the dp left because he said they couldn’t move forward and the dc were being affected.
I know my friend was very bitter and I can see why. However if you want to rebuild the marriage then you have to shut up about the affair.
If you can’t then leave.

[quote barclay20q]@Choice4567

I have done research on the internet. People must get though this. There must be people on here thats going through the process or come out the other end. It cant all be doom and gloom can it?[/quote]
The trust is gone and you will never get it back. Fair play to you for trying but at this stage you are still torturing yourself. I’m speaking from experience here - once the trust is gone the suspicion and doubt is there forever. She is saying she has no feeling for the man to placate you - there was something missing in your marriage for her to stray - either sexually or emotionally. Sorry but that is the truth

I think something you need to accept, is that you can't go back. Your relationship is forever changed and you have to build a NEW relationship. You can do this with her or with someone else.

I loved him very much, he said he loved me too and I believed him, but two years of working on it, I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live with the lack of trust I had in him and in 'us'. I no longer believed this was a case of 'us together' getting through life. I felt there was an off ramp he could/would take & once I realised that, I ended it.

I know people who have stayed together, but none of the couples I know that did are terribly happy. I think in all cases they're happyish, but well aware that the other shoe might drop.

Really think about what you want going forward, because 'going back to how it was' isn't an option!.

In answer to your question about is an affair a mistake or a series of choices... I think it can be either or both.

You could have a serial philanderer, doesn't really care about family or spouse - series of choices

Someone who is manipulated by someone else (who may well be an experienced serial philander) but then realises this isn't what they want - a bit of both maybe

Someone who accepts a bit of flattery, it goes too far, they then think hang on, wtf am I up to? I love my family and want to end this - bit of both again, more of a mistake maybe?

There is another category, someone who simply has no idea of what the fallout might be for what they may perceive to be a minor transgression, eg a few snogs in the stationery cupboard and meeting up secretively, or am emotional affair rather than a full blown one. This could be a mistake I feel, stupid, but a mistake.

As you do have experience of your parents splitting up at such a formative age, I think this will be harder for you to get over than if they hadn't. It will be bringing back all that hurt and feelings of abandonment that you must have experienced, even if you didn't recognise it as such at the time. The bottom has fallen out of your world again, esp if your DW hasn't experienced this sort of thing before she may not realise how this would make you feel.

She seems to be going to pretty extreme measures to keep you, moving house etc. Did you even know how much she loved you before this? Try and remember this when you are feeling insecure.

There’s a good podcast series on healing from affairs.. I can’t remember the name but have a Google. (Beyond betrayal?? Might have been that) Sorry this has happened to you. To move beyond it you need to rebuild trust. I wouldn’t give up yet as you sound so determined. Good luck xx

[quote barclay20q]@SunshineCake1

I was hoping it would be more like 3 years and thought that was a long time. But i suppose everyone is different. Even though my wife has done wrong i cant see her putting up with my questions every day for the next 5 years.[/quote]
My advice, sit and ask all the questions. Write down the answers. Refer back to them rather than keep asking. Or just write the stuff down and don't ask her. There's nothing to be gained from asking the same questions over and over.

Do you want to move forward and live your life with your wife? If yes, think about the real reason you can't. Think about what is stopping you. I don't want to put words in your ,ouch or ideas in your head but I think the answers might help.

Of course, only you know your wife and if she truly is sorry and does love you. Humans can cope with more than one thinks and I think so,E times people are influenced by what other people think, what they think other people think or what they think they should think. If you love her and want to be with her then make it happen.

@Wbeezer

People can get briefly infatuated and get a real hit of excitement and connection that lasts a short while and then when it's over leaves little trace emotionally (bit like short but intense teen romances) so I think it's perfectly possible that she no longer feels anything for the OM and can barely imagine having intense feelings for him). I know because it had happened to me in my early 20s when i was living with my now DH. When it was over it was like it had happened to someone else, it seemed almost unreal and I didn't find it that difficult or weird to reconnect with DH afterwards although i obviously felt ashamed and embarrassed.

I agree with this. I was in a long relationship until the end of last year, and about 10 years ago I reconnected with someone from my past. He was not an ex, but he was the ex-husband of my teenage friend's sister who I had a big crush on. I was only 14, he was 19 and I thought he was so cool. Fast forward to 2010 and I met him accidentally. He was divorced with a couple of children and they lived with him. I wasn't sure of my relationship at the time, and met up with this man a few times. I didn't have an affair with him, but he tried the compassion trap, telling me his daughter would be heartbroken if I didn't meet them. I did this, because I thought he would cause trouble if I didn't.

Though before I met him in person he contacted me on Friends Reunited would you believe! I met him two months after chatting, because I was curious and I must admit that I thought (my relationship wasn't right) this could be serendipity. But he turned into a nightmare. When I ended it he became abusive.

I told my ex and he went ballistic and quizzed me and persecuted me about it for years. He was asking me as late as 2021 if I had slept with this guy.

As for feelings, all the chatting evoked nostalgia and zing. But there were no deep feelings involved at all.

Why do you want to be with someone who has hurt you?
Why do you need to be her?

[quote barclay20q]@Choice4567

I have done research on the internet. People must get though this. There must be people on here thats going through the process or come out the other end. It cant all be doom and gloom can it?[/quote]
Why can't it be all doom and gloom? It's an affair, with all the baggage that goes with betrayal of trust and lies. Some people might be able to paper over the cracks, but that's pretty much all it is. A surface layer with all the heart baked up behind it.

I'm not being bitter or anything. I've never had an affair and neither has my husband. Like others I've never known someone genuinley rebuild their relationships after an affair.

I think you need to be kind to yourself, stop blaming yourself for your feelings. It’s ok to be broken up and hurting. I’m coming up to 12 months post D day and do get it. My husband is loving, kind and understanding, listens to me and appreciated I still have a lot of trust issues.
It’s ok to still be quite broken by it all, time will help. Just because you’ve chosen to forgive her doesn’t mean it will just stop hurting.
However, I do think you need to make a conscious choice to accept that she had an affair and that you have chosen to forgive it. Details don’t matter; how many times they met up, what they said to each other etc. The fact is she chose to walk away from it, you chose to work on your relationship. Accept you hurt, that you need reassurance, it’s ok to ask for it. Punishing her for her bad choices won’t help though and to be honest I do t think that’s what you want to do. I think you’re frightened, hurting and in need of reassurance, that can come out as lashing out. Rather than reliving the events maybe just try being honest about what you’re feeling, with her? Acknowledge to yourself when you’re feeling vulnerable, tell her what you need from her to feel better. Sometimes it’s to check her devices, sometimes to tell her you’re frightened, or panicking, sometimes just to ask for a hug. Let yourself and your relationship heal. It may take time, but if you let it you will get there.

I sympathise OP— my H had an ‘intense infatuation’. Swears it was never physical and I found out 10 years after it happened. I found songs, poems, musings - all related to this young woman who worked for us. I was apoplectic for months, kind of put it on a back burner mentally after that but 5 years down the line I have never felt the same, I care about him still but it snuffed the candle of ‘special ‘ out that someone could be such a tit to me and I cant feel the same level of attraction/affection. I wish I had left when I first found out — even though I still cared— some people can just shrug it off, others really can’t— I think it depends on what kind of a relationship you had—

“@ScrollingLeaves

I do see what your trying to say. The fact is she had an affair and now she is saying its over. Im having problems believing that she didn't have any feelings for him what soever. Not in the affair or when it stopped. She does admit that he made her happy at the time and there were times when she missed him. But since the affair ended she states she didn't miss him, didn't and doesn't think about him and she doesn't and didn't have any feelings for him. She risked her family for 2 months to be with this person. How is that possible. I asked was it about sex and she said no, I said it has to be about feelings then and she states the whole thing meant nothing. It was a massive mistake and should never have happened.“

Maybe when you have your couple counselling you can say how much it would help you to absolutely, fully understand why she had the affair eg she must have felt something - whatever that was - she must have been thinking something etc …. but you are left having no idea.

She might have been flattered. She might have been using the affair to drown out depression. There could be so many reasons. (I do not mean to suggest any reason is an excuse by the way.)

Beware though that, at worst, knowing more might torture you more.

It is still too soon for you to have had time to stop reeling from shock and unhappiness. Give yourself more time before deciding if you can go on.

Firstly I'm sorry this has happened to you. My ex had an affair 3 years ago and like you I tried to move on and work on things, i tried desperately to keep my little family together but that trust was gone. 3 years later I caught him cheating once again, all while we were trying for baby (had 3 miscarriages) and now his affair partner is due any day now. Honestly, I wish I walked a way the first time. It destroyed my mental health and things and I were never the same again. I was with my ex for nearly 20 years so I do understand not wanting to throw all those years away but the damage has been done, your wife is the one who threw those years away not you! Things is this didn't just hurt me but it also effected my 13 year old son very deeply. Ditch the wife, look after yourself and focus on being happy and healthy. YOU deserve better.

Honestly none of us here are remotely qualified to advise you, I’d suggest going to see a marriage counsellor, on your own, to talk about what works to heal a marriage and what doesn’t.

All I can say from my very non-qualified armchair, is that the marriage won’t survive unless you can genuinely forgive her, and forgiveness starts with empathy: imagining yourself in her position and making the same mistake. There are some videos about forgiveness on youtube. It is not easy.

Like I haven’t had an affair and don’t plan to 😬 but I can imagine after months/years of monotony and being taken for granted, it would be very refreshing to be pursued by someone who made me feel young again and respected and appreciated and I can begin to see how with a certain sequence of events it would be alluring to just forget my house and family and whole life and just exist in the moment for a while. If I was trying to forgive an affair I’d start with trying to understand it.

@Aquamarine1029

What's your real motivation for badgering your wife with questions every day? Is it really for "answers" or is it a way to keep punishing her? I don't think you're being honest with yourself at all.

I disagree with this. I was cheating on multiple times in a long term relationship, stupidly stayed for longer than I care to admit. I wanted answers as a form of closure and to try and understand why. It was in no way a punishment to my ex. I think my logic was, if he tells me every detail then he's being honest and we can move on. How wrong I was. OP, I think you should move on and heal. Your wife has been casually and easily carrying on another relationship and has only confessed in a moment of anger? Not guilt for what she's done to you. I would leave.

Aquamarine1029

Didn't mean to come across as abrupt when saying I disagree.

Did your wife tell you, or did you find out ?
Either way your wife didn’t trip and fall onto another man’s penis, it’s was fully thought out behaviour, but as others say you either need to forgive and move on and or ditch her, but not carry on as you are.

Have a read of the responses on this thread, genders are reversed, but the issue is similar

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4502032-My-husband-slept-with-someone-else-should-I-forgive-him

Sunken costs fallacy.

As for the term "surviving infidelity" .. mKes me smh; you shouldn't have to "survive" anything someone who is supposed to care about you did to you.

Also, when it comes to the repeated choices and decisions the cheater takes in embarking on an affair; somewhere underneath all those decisions is (evening ots just a sliver) the awareness that thus could end their relationship.... and they go ahead and do it. Which means, no matter what they say, at some level they are OK with losing the relationship, with moving on, and making a life with someone else. They'll say not and beg, plead etc., but that's because the choice might be taken away from them, and you might make it (instead of them having all the power and choice and you be the unknowing potentially discarded one).

There is a fundamental lack of value for you and the relationship underneath it all, no matter what they say. They weren't scared enough about losing you/the relationship.
Totally aside from basic integrity and respect and decency.

Presuming you area bloke.... do you have any idea how many single (whether never married, separated, divorced etc) Women there are out there nice women who've been mistreated by the apparently over supply of shit men who would absolutely murder to have you as a partner. A man who's martial had broken down because of his foolish wife's infidelity, instead of the more usual story of the husband's infidelity, abuse etc??? You would be striking gold. You will have plenty of opportunities. Why torture yourself with this cheater.

She will give up trying to get past this and may be the one to call it quits. You can't get past this so need to accept that. No-one can wear a hair shirt forever, nor should they

*You would be like striking gold

I had a good friend whose dp cheated.
The marriage finally ended because my friend couldn’t let it go.

No, I ended because he was unfaithful.

Otherwise he wouldn't have had a devastated, raging, bitter, overwrought wife screaming at him.

‘As for the term "surviving infidelity" .. mKes me smh; you shouldn't have to "survive" anything someone who is supposed to care about you did to you.’

Surviving infidelity is a website dedicated to getting through the pain. It doesn’t refer to reconciliation OR separation and divorce.

And I'm sure your friend's partner would have been the soul of calmness, reflection, and pleasantness if the shoe was on the other foot and she'd cuckolded him.

Not.