The affair is destroying my family

[barclay20q]

My wife’s affair has destroyed our family and is ripping through us like a cancer.

Since the affair was disclosed just under a year ago, the aftermath of the affair has destroyed my life, my family and is continuing to destroy the little that we do have left.

Since D-Day, my wife has done everything she possibly can to try and fix and help me heal. Cut contact with the affair partner, changed mobile numbers, come off social media, moved city, changed cars. But it’s been hard work and it’s getting harder. Time should be making things better, but things feel like are getting worse.

I have always had a problem with her version of events. I have never, really been given the full story from start to finish. I have always been given parts of what happened and filled in the blanks myself. She doesn’t rub my face in it but stick by the fact that he made her happy but she doesn’t want him. She wants us and only us. He was a massive mistake and she wants to get on with our lives.

But How ?

How do you really move on? When in the back of my mind is what they did, what they felt and the biggest one is how she could even do it when she had a loving family at home.

She is always showing me love, sending texts saying she loves me and we will get through this. Why isn’t this enough? I get triggered by texts that she sends to me and I think did she say that to him?

At this stage I understand I won’t be over it, but shouldn’t I at least be at a stage where we don’t argue, bicker or fight every day and discus the affair? She is giving answers and I’m not accepting them. It’s like unless the answer she gives, hurts me in some way, I don’t believe it.

I have a feeling I’m not getting the whole story. The story doesn’t add up. Should I leave it and try and move on, as I really want my wife and my family back, or do I continue to try and get what I believe may be the truth, but then there is always a possibility that she has given me the truth and I’m just pushing her away.

My biggest fear is that she still has feelings, no matter how small for her affair partner and there is always a chance this can start up all over again. You can’t have a 2 month physical and emotional affair and come away with no feelings. Like she is trying to get me to believe. It’s clear the affair partner meant something to her, but she denies this and says the affair was a mistake and he meant and means nothing.

Isn’t this what cheaters normally say

I’m sorry you are in this situation . As a PP said it does take 5/6 years before full recovery. Sometimes we’ll never understand why people do the things they do. All you can do is be kind to yourself, keep asking questions and talking together, counselling etc. Best of luck.

Also I might add your wife most definitely would have developed feeling for the AP. She too will be grieving and having that amazing, exciting feeling ripped away from her. It’s tough and I don’t have the answers I’m sorry 😞

I was a wife who had an affair, so can give you some of that perspective if it helps, although my answers might not be what you want to hear.

People don't risk families, and make the, effort to cheat (and its a lot of effort) for something or someone that means nothing to them. There's definitely feelings, of lust, of excitement and I was head over heels for my affair partner right from the start. Some women only cheat for the sexual thrill, but there's still emotion.

And an affair ending hurts.

You mean i should go out and cheat ? Or you calling my wife a cheat? Because i agree thats she is a cheat. I dont think two wrongs will make a right. If i cheat im no better than she is and that wont fix anything

I know you were responding to a suggestion of cheating, but the last sentence stuck out to me. I think this might be something worth addressing in counseling, whether the individual or couples. Somehow the ‘no better than she is’ is revealing. I understand the anger and that it’s corrosive and a part of the process, either way, but I think it will eat away at you - and her. Talking about it with the right person (do you feel like your therapist is a good one for you?) might really help you to make the decision.

You definitely need to check out the Surviving infidelity website. In general they state it takes 3-5 years to recover from an affair. With a lot if hard work from both parties. And asking for a complete timeline of the affair is standard. It is not considered as "badgering" the cheating spouse. It is also not considered a "mistake " to cheat but a series of choices. A mistake is buying full fat instead of skimmed milk.

Just to say that in contrast to those people on here who are saying it’s not possible to stay together or move on from infidelity, I know a few people who have.

Each couple found their own way through it, whether that be counselling, a change in the dynamic of the relationship or just burying it and moving on from it. All are happy, years down the line but it was tricky to start with. I guess the bottom line is what you want to do.

Leave her

@ineedsun

How did they recover. Doesnt look like my husband will ever give it the same effort that reconciliation requires. Even now. He apologized profusely for like the first two days. And now hes just silent. I feel like making me feel better will require more effort than that!

@user1471517095

I agree. About the mistakes part. This wasnt just a ‘mistake’! These were concious choices he made.

Have you thought about marriage counselling? That might help you both talk about things. You've spoken about things triggering you, but sometimes talking about those things in a forum where it's safe will help.

It's a difficult one. You have a family. If it happened and you had no ties you'd probably be gone.

Equally you have to be happy.

I know I couldn't forget something like this if my husband. But then I don't know if I could split our family up. Is my happiness less important than my kids?!

I really feel for you. You are in a tough spot. I'd definitely do the counselling and just talk. You need to hear more of the story. So you stop thinking about what you think it was. Then you can deal with the truth!

I've been through this.
We'd been together 12 yrs, I found out, I left within the hour.
Never went back, however we did communicate without living together. You need space, time to think, adjust.
Step back by moving out, separate for a bit, see how you feel. You're too close to the situation to heal and grab a perspective. All your doing is imprisoning your mind
In the end I decided to move on, however we have become friends and all animosity has disappeared.

@GeneLovesJezebel

‘People do it don’t they ?’ - I’ve not met one yet.

Me neither...

@WanderingLost167

I was a wife who had an affair, so can give you some of that perspective if it helps, although my answers might not be what you want to hear.

People don't risk families, and make the, effort to cheat (and its a lot of effort) for something or someone that means nothing to them. There's definitely feelings, of lust, of excitement and I was head over heels for my affair partner right from the start. Some women only cheat for the sexual thrill, but there's still emotion.

And an affair ending hurts.

When you drill down though all it is is ego massage.

[quote Sadlytrue1234]@ineedsun

How did they recover. Doesnt look like my husband will ever give it the same effort that reconciliation requires. Even now. He apologized profusely for like the first two days. And now hes just silent. I feel like making me feel better will require more effort than that!

@user1471517095

I agree. About the mistakes part. This wasnt just a ‘mistake’! These were concious choices he made.[/quote]
Different couples, different ways.

In all cases it was husband who had the affair. The two I know the best, one wife essentially reinvented herself, grew in confidence and laid down the law to the husband. He regretted what he’d done and they found a new dynamic. They are about 15 years down the line.

The other, they focussed inwards on themselves as a couple, because of that I don’t really know exactly what happened but I think lots of reassurance and apologies. But essentially I think both decided to move forwards. This couple are 25 years down the line and as strong as any couple I know.

Sounds like you are not getting over it,
Ditch her.

@diplop probably, and a way to find something that is missing from your other relationship.

IMHO when someone has betrayed your trust, it's incredibly difficult to get it back.

You only have her word/s on everything, I'm sure she's holding back stuff that may hurt you too.

There's no 'one size fits all' in these situations, the ball really is in your court, and only you can decide what is best for you. If you decide to stay, then I suggest it is YOU that does everything to make it work for YOU, she is doing what's working for her.

It can be worked through, but it takes huge emotional strength to do it.

Good luck OP

Whether or not you are able to move forward and put this behind you, you can't escape the fact that it has changed your relationship. You now know that you can't always trust her. That she is happy to lie to you. That she made a series of choices to betray you. That she made decisions that would hurt you so terribly.

She may be genuinely sorry now but even if she is, it won't change the fact that she was happy to do all that, which means you will never be able to trust her quite the same again.

If you think you might be happy living in a newly-shaped relationship, which accepts that, then it might be possible to be happy again. But if the relationship is to success, you have to be truly ready to move on and at some point to draw a line, for both your sakes.

Perhaps agreeing a date would help, as pp said. Once you get to that date, you decide if you are ready to move forward positively and happily. Or if you can't (which would be understandable, and not your fault).

OP I think you need to understand that the marriage you had has ended. You can't see your DW in the same way, and you'll never feel the way you used to feel about her. That is the consequence of infidelity.
The question I'd whether you can start a new and different relationship with her? You need to give yourself space and figure out if she is still someone you want to risk a relationship with, knowing what you now know about her. Would you prefer an open but more honest relationship? Perhaps you should keep it casual for now and see where it goes? Perhaps you no longer need to be the husband or the person you were. Maybe you don't need to recapture anything. You need to consider whether there is any type of relationship you can sustain with the mother of your children. Your eyes have been opened, but your heart won't follow because you are still trying to make sense of what's been lost, and what can be salvaged and what is in the way of reconciling. But perhaps you should instead take some space , find your freedom to choose, and start from day one of a different life.

Thank you to everyone for all your input. I have taken every single one of the comments and board.

Why is it that cheaters get everything and the cheated get nothing?

The cheater gets the sex, the excitement and get to feel good, happy and wanted. While the cheated feels betrayed, unloved, un happy and have there self worth and their whole world blown apart. When most of the time all the cheater is guilty of is loving their family and being loyal.

Your life is not supposed to be sacrificed at the alter of marriage. That's not what it's about. It's not supposed to make you miserable.

If you conclude you can't move on a re-build it's ok!

It takes an equally strong person to decide it's over and work out how to effectively co-parent.

OP - it could well be the truth she has no feelings whatsoever for him, that he could have been frankly anyone. It could be it was never about him, but about her. She needed something he gave her - be it excitement, knowing she was attractive, sex, feeling she had options other than you (even though you are what she wants), someone seeing her as just her (not your wife/x's mother), there are many things she could have got emotionally from the affair that doesn't have to be able him.

I can see that shes easily telling the truth about having no feelings about him, as while I've not cheated, before being together with dh I had some intense relationships where once they'd ended, I missed the buzz and the fun and the drama, but not the man.

Perhaps she needs individual counselling to see if she understands herself why she had the affair. What did she get from it, and then how can she ensure she's not tempted again. That is her job to fix, not yours though.

Sticking my head above the parapet - I had an affair. Outwardly happily married with children.

What do you WANT to know or hear from her?

My ex-DH asked me questions and I definitly filtered my responses - I had no reason to really,, he knew about the affair but it served him no purpose to know every tiny detail. He knew I had sex with someone else over a 6 month period, he didn't need to know how many times that was.

To start with he also didn't know the extent of feelings, which were pretty deep. As much as everyone likes to think affairs are just sordid sleazy sex, and maybe they are sometimes, it's not always that way. I wasn't looking for excitement, or sex, or attention. I fell in love with someone else. Not excusing it.

My ex-DH wanted to keep our marriage going but ultimately the affair changed me and I wanted out. Life would never have been the same anyway and I didn't want a life with that hanging over us.

@barclay20q

Thank you to everyone for all your input. I have taken every single one of the comments and board.

Why is it that cheaters get everything and the cheated get nothing?

The cheater gets the sex, the excitement and get to feel good, happy and wanted. While the cheated feels betrayed, unloved, un happy and have there self worth and their whole world blown apart. When most of the time all the cheater is guilty of is loving their family and being loyal.

I'm not being 'flip', really I'm not, but it falls under 'life's not fair'.

My cousin was cheated on. Her exH skipped off into the sunset with the OW and a new 4 bed house with a pool to play 'Disney Dad' EOW and have no child responsibilities in between. My cousin was left with 2 very upset young children, the marital home (older, needing work), a broken heart, and shattered self-confidence.

Fair? Not by a long chalk. But it was what it was. It took a good long time but she finally found her equilibrium and moved forward with her life. Has she forgiven him? Hell, no. they 'get along' for the (now adult) children's sake, but she will never forgive him nor forget what he did to their family.

@hereforthetea

Thanks for the response. Im not looking to hear about how many times she had sex or what posistion etc, I'm trying to get the truth about her feelings for this person. It was a 2month affair. She says he said he loved her but never said it back to him. She said they had sex once and it was never mentioned again and wasn't even planned again. She is saying there were no feelings for him but he made her happy and she said she missed him at the time of the affair. Can you see the pattern here. Its like she is trying to tell me things that just seem impossible within an affair.

@MargosKaftan

I think she did have something for him. She has told me how happy she is, how good looking he is and that they had fun. It could have been anyone but it was him. She isnt the type to have affairs and she isnt the type to break up a family as she would have done it by now with in the twenty years we have been together. How did she cross the lines mentally in her head if she did love me. We had everything and she says she can see that now and it was a massive mistake and should never have happened. It was a mistake and it will never happen agin. But she has lied how can i trust her. In my head she wil always have a special place in her head and heart for him because he made her happy. Being made happy means something doesnt it. Its not just fun its happiness

@AcrossthePond55

I know life is hard and this happens to thousands of people every day in here. But its a lonely place not knowing whats the truth, who to believe and if the life you have lived for so long has turned out to be a worthless lie.

Life is hard but at the moment i see no other way apart from trying with my wife as thats what i want to do. Doesn't mean its going to be easy though. Until i feel she is telling me the truth we will be going around in circles and that worries me.