The affair is destroying my family

[barclay20q]

My wife’s affair has destroyed our family and is ripping through us like a cancer.

Since the affair was disclosed just under a year ago, the aftermath of the affair has destroyed my life, my family and is continuing to destroy the little that we do have left.

Since D-Day, my wife has done everything she possibly can to try and fix and help me heal. Cut contact with the affair partner, changed mobile numbers, come off social media, moved city, changed cars. But it’s been hard work and it’s getting harder. Time should be making things better, but things feel like are getting worse.

I have always had a problem with her version of events. I have never, really been given the full story from start to finish. I have always been given parts of what happened and filled in the blanks myself. She doesn’t rub my face in it but stick by the fact that he made her happy but she doesn’t want him. She wants us and only us. He was a massive mistake and she wants to get on with our lives.

But How ?

How do you really move on? When in the back of my mind is what they did, what they felt and the biggest one is how she could even do it when she had a loving family at home.

She is always showing me love, sending texts saying she loves me and we will get through this. Why isn’t this enough? I get triggered by texts that she sends to me and I think did she say that to him?

At this stage I understand I won’t be over it, but shouldn’t I at least be at a stage where we don’t argue, bicker or fight every day and discus the affair? She is giving answers and I’m not accepting them. It’s like unless the answer she gives, hurts me in some way, I don’t believe it.

I have a feeling I’m not getting the whole story. The story doesn’t add up. Should I leave it and try and move on, as I really want my wife and my family back, or do I continue to try and get what I believe may be the truth, but then there is always a possibility that she has given me the truth and I’m just pushing her away.

My biggest fear is that she still has feelings, no matter how small for her affair partner and there is always a chance this can start up all over again. You can’t have a 2 month physical and emotional affair and come away with no feelings. Like she is trying to get me to believe. It’s clear the affair partner meant something to her, but she denies this and says the affair was a mistake and he meant and means nothing.

Isn’t this what cheaters normally say

At what cost, op?

It's tearing you apart, and "honouring your vows" when she didn't will make you a martyr.

It's been a yr, if it's not starting to work, it's not going to. Especially as she isn't being open with you about the facts.

Im trying to fix something that she has broken

You can't fix what you didn't break.

Exactly the same happened to me. 17 years ago!

We're still together and muddling along. I wanted to stay for the sake of the kids and she said all of the things she was supposed to say, "I'm sorry", "It was a huge mistake...etc, etc"

I lost all of my friends because I lost my trust in people in general. If you can't trust the person closest to you, how can you trust anyone else. That feeling still exists 17 years later!

I'm not trying to be a Martyr as someone described it, it's just that everyone has their own way of dealing with it and I wouldn't want to lower myself to her standards.

There may well come a time in the future when once the kids are gone and are completely independent home wise, I'll do the off which is maybe what I should of done back then.

Maybe I didn't because I didn't want my children to have a broken home like I did when my parents acrimoniously split when I was 5.

@barclay20q is it that you want these details or is it that her giving you these details is proof for you that she is finally prepared to be open and honest?
The minimising cheats do in the first instance is so, so damaging. Truth trickled down over time plus initial lies which are later shown to be just that, erode trust further. I honestly do understand why, I understand totally what is eating you up, I don’t think you are ‘abusing her’ or ‘punishing her’ , you are clearly getting no pleasure from questioning her or saying that she ‘deserves it’ and yes, still being together a year after DDay does say something about your relationship, of course it does. It shows you care and want to be together. It also shows that she also cares and wants you to be together. There’s your proof, right there. Time elapsed after DDay does show commitment and caring, yes, but now the time needs to be spent productively. It is far, far more important that she is willing to answer all and any questions you have, than the content of the answers is. But the questioning needs a time and a time limit.
Get some head space and quiet time, OP, and write down exactly what you want the answer to.
if some (or all) of the questions are ones you have previously had an answer to and she has not changed that answer, write her answer next to it and also write why you do not accept it. Clarify exactly what you want to know and why. Give it to her. Tell her it is the definitive list and honest answers will mean the end of the questioning.

Here’s a thing, though:

Have you asked yourself these questions?

“Why do I need to ask? Is it for actual facts in the answers or just to reassure myself that she is still willing to answer?”

“Am I actually keeping the ‘affair topic’ alive by questioning to show her I’m not over this yet? To show her I’m not prepared to let this go away any time soon?”

And crucially:

“What can she say that will make me stop asking questions?”

Search your soul, Barclay. Do you feel that if you stop talking about it that it’s ‘done’ and you’re still in pain so it can’t be just ‘done’? It has to go away sometime if you are to get your full, loving relationship back. Why not explain to her that you will take a long time to heal, but you know constantly talking about it won’t help. Maybe explain that from time to time if you’re triggered you’ll need her reassurance. If you make her feel like she’s helping you rather than defending herself, she might come on board.
Question yourself now, Barclay. In an ideal world, what would end the questioning and make this better?
If the only thing that would stop the questioning is if she hadn’t done this in the first place, then obviously that’s not going to happen.
Ask yourself what you want, what you need to see and hear happening between you to stop you having to ask. Ask yourself what you need from her to be able to move on, then ask for it and explain why.
Constantly questioning with no clear end goal or progress being made will get you both nowhere.
Question yourself now: what does Barclay need in the short and long term to be able to move forward and leave this dark part of your relationship history where it belongs: over and done and in the past.

Yes the fact you’re both trying so hard IS RELEVANT.

@barclay20q nothing you describe is unique to your wife and her affair, I’m not saying that what you’re feeling is less, just extremely common, the continued gaslighting, lying, minimising, multiple ddays are pretty much standard. The highs/happy/love story of the affair and then the utter disgust or lack of anything for the affair partner. Everything you’re ruminating on is what we as reconciled spouses have to cope with. We have to square a hole, make sense of the absolutely senseless. I can not say this enough A YEAR IS NOTHING! Infidelity trauma is very real, PTSD from infidelity is very real, questioning, intrusive thoughts, mind movies all VERY normal at just a year out. The truth is that my husband shakes his head at what he did and why, if he can’t explain himself to himself, how on earth is he supposed to explain it to me?

All I can do is be comfortable with my own narrative of his affair, I understand that affairs are driven by a need for validation. I get the affair partner was more a supplier of ego kibbles, than anything special or anything that made him whole. I understand the context of his affair, (complex and nothing to do with our marriage). I’m at peace with that.

I then have to accept that it happened, (I don’t need to forgive), I have to be clear on why I stayed, I need to choose to be happy as @Thewookiemustgo so wisely said.

I have moments where I just sit back and enjoy the moment. I grant myself grace, I remind myself that watching my husband play with our children is a gift I gave myself by choosing to stay. Moments I treasure are rewards for moving on from all of this.

I let go of any shame about staying. I don’t see myself as a pushover or doormat, I know I respect myself so much that I allow myself to be happy with MY choice. I couldn’t care less what others feel about my choice. My husband, my family, my life.

This is where you’re at. You have a choice.

You have a remorseful wife, who wants to repair her marriage and family. You have no contact with the affair partner. You have a drive to hold your family and marriage together. You can be happy again.

I completely agree with @Thewookiemustgo above post. You do have to question why you can’t move forward. You’re not abusive or controlling or any other label being levelled at you. You’re traumatised, deeply hurt and struggling with PTSD. With all due respect to your wife, my concern isn’t for her but for you and how you need to let go a little.

Love is a verb, it’s not a feeling. Your wife is trying to show you her love by fighting for you. You’re doing the same by staying. Try to reframe what staying looks like for you.

And remember that despite whatever people say one year on is very early days in infidelity trauma.

@Thewookiemustgo just a quick message to say I am trying to message, but struggling to get through xx

OP I don't think you're going to get any sense of closure or be able to 'move on' from your wife revealing every last detail of her affair to you. You're stuck in the 'research' stage - feeling that you need to know everything in order to make sense of what happened and why it happened. But you're never going to find peace or resolution from that.

To move on you need to focus on and act on the core facts - your wife had an affair and that affair is now over. The actions you can take are staying (and that will mean drawing a line under the past, moving on as a couple and not having the affair be a part of your daily conversation), or leaving because the betrayal is something you cannot forgive. Like previous posters, I think you need counselling that is very focused on helping you make this key decision. What you can't do for your own mental health is to keep going around in circles - you need to map a route out of this and take action.

Oh @barclay20q , it's been almost 6 months since you started this thread (so close to 18 mos since the 'discovery') and you are still not one step further.

You are still saying and wanting the same things from her as you were the last time I posted. And she is saying and responding the same things to you. Can you not see that you are both on a horrible merry-go-round and that nothing is going to happen until one or both of you steps off? Have you ever heard Einstein's statement regarding insanity? It's 'doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result'. This is exactly what you and she are doing.

My assumption at this point is that she is staying because she cannot afford to leave. You keep at her and at her with the same questions and 'demands' to the point where she is either a glutton for punishment or she has nowhere else to go. I know I'm being harsh, but I want you to wake up and realize that what you are doing is not working. And it's not healthy for either of you, nor for your children. You may think you are successfully 'hiding' things from the DC, but let me assure you that you are not.

Remember that I am not saying this because I think what she did was 'ok'. It absolutely wasn't. But if you want to keep the marriage in any state of happiness or contentment you have to find a way to do things differently. Are you still seeing (and being completely honest) with your counselor? And if she's not seeing a counselor, a different one than yours, she should be.

I just trying to put all the pieces together in my head. Some pieces don’t fit and somethings don’t add up

This is because you have already made up your own 'scenario' for her affair. You aren't interested in her version, you are interested in her confirming your version. Her truth is not your truth, nor need it be. Her truth is her truth. You either accept it or you don't. And if you don't, then the marriage needs to be over.

At this point, would you consider (and I hate this term) a 'break'? Agree to 'keep your marital vows' but live apart for a bit. I think you and she need time away from each other, even if only for a few weeks or a month. You both need to clear your heads and try to do 'a mental reset' in separate spaces. Just give it a thought.

Listen, my cousin's marriage ended over cheating. They went to counseling and tried to 'hold it together' but it just didn't work. It was heartbreaking for her and she was practically destroyed at the idea that her 'dream' of their marriage and family was a sham and needed to end. And part of it was that, try as they might, their 'discontent' could not be hidden from their DC. Just because they weren't having 'knock down drag out' verbal fights didn't mean that the DC were not aware of the tension. There can be just as much tension in in 'fake nicey-nice' politeness as there is in silent hostility. It took her years to get over it. But now she's looking back over 20 years later and she realizes that finally giving up and very reluctantly letting go was the best decision she ever made. Her life has been happy, emotionally healthy, and lived honestly since she made that decision.

Please think over what I've said carefully. Things need to change.

I totally agree with the initial statement... 2 months risked the family and losses but it meant nothing? Isn't this what all cheaters say? Yes it is because of it didn't mean anything why would you risk it, the cheater can't tell you how they felt now because your marriage would be over and they know it hence the reason youl get trickle truths instead of being honest, the truth hurts and it hurts .. flip the script could you sit there and tell your wife you loved someone else in a matter of 2 months or that you had feelings ? I couldn't and I wouldn't I would leave before this happened... your stuck because you know the truth you want to hear it and than you may heal with or without her ... unless someone can explain anything other than a one night stand that what happens in affairs and cheating is way beyond what you think and the minimal they say... If only they could just be honest with there head down crying or what ever just be honest...

@barclay20q I think you only have two choices, draw a line under it or leave. It's never happened with me (I'd leave), but I've seen this advice so much on this site.

@Pinko1 I think OP has done one or the other by now....it's been nearly two years.

i know it’s easier said than done but if you can’t move on you need to end things. If you’ve made the decision to stay with your partner and she’s done everything she can to show she regrets it then I think you need to walk away and let you both move on. Otherwise the way you’re feeling (not saying it’s not justified) will destroy your relationship anyway. Walk away now. I genuinely believe for your own sanity you either do all you can to forget and forget or end things. You’ve given it a go and it’s destroying you. Time to move on with your life so you can both be happy long term and not stuck in this never ending cycle of anxiety and anger

I think you deserve to be happy. Therapy, if you haven’t already. If that doesn’t work you know where you are at. Maybe from therapy you can unpick your unanswered questions.

ZOMBIE thread

I once read you can only get over an affair if you both forgive & forget which you cannot do right now. Is it really a mistake if it kept happening? If you neglected her she will have loved the attention and the excitement she would have looked forward to meeting him. This is not exactly a mistake. it was telling you that was the mistake. You can't stop her thinking of him all you can hope is she is telling you the truth. Which is why your struggling she broke the trust she broke it by going off shagging some other bloke. She never thought about you or the family when this was going on. You can never be sure she will never do it again all you can do is decide what you want now.