The affair is destroying my family

[barclay20q]

My wife’s affair has destroyed our family and is ripping through us like a cancer.

Since the affair was disclosed just under a year ago, the aftermath of the affair has destroyed my life, my family and is continuing to destroy the little that we do have left.

Since D-Day, my wife has done everything she possibly can to try and fix and help me heal. Cut contact with the affair partner, changed mobile numbers, come off social media, moved city, changed cars. But it’s been hard work and it’s getting harder. Time should be making things better, but things feel like are getting worse.

I have always had a problem with her version of events. I have never, really been given the full story from start to finish. I have always been given parts of what happened and filled in the blanks myself. She doesn’t rub my face in it but stick by the fact that he made her happy but she doesn’t want him. She wants us and only us. He was a massive mistake and she wants to get on with our lives.

But How ?

How do you really move on? When in the back of my mind is what they did, what they felt and the biggest one is how she could even do it when she had a loving family at home.

She is always showing me love, sending texts saying she loves me and we will get through this. Why isn’t this enough? I get triggered by texts that she sends to me and I think did she say that to him?

At this stage I understand I won’t be over it, but shouldn’t I at least be at a stage where we don’t argue, bicker or fight every day and discus the affair? She is giving answers and I’m not accepting them. It’s like unless the answer she gives, hurts me in some way, I don’t believe it.

I have a feeling I’m not getting the whole story. The story doesn’t add up. Should I leave it and try and move on, as I really want my wife and my family back, or do I continue to try and get what I believe may be the truth, but then there is always a possibility that she has given me the truth and I’m just pushing her away.

My biggest fear is that she still has feelings, no matter how small for her affair partner and there is always a chance this can start up all over again. You can’t have a 2 month physical and emotional affair and come away with no feelings. Like she is trying to get me to believe. It’s clear the affair partner meant something to her, but she denies this and says the affair was a mistake and he meant and means nothing.

Isn’t this what cheaters normally say

I got over my husband's affair to an extent. It took 3 or 4 years though. I was very angry for a long time.

@Aquamarine1029

I don't want to punish her. I really don't. But there are time for sure that I will chuck something back in her face. But the real reason, is to see how and what she really feels about him. Because if she had feelings for him why is she with me? She already stated he made her happy but says she doesn't want him. It was a horrible mistake. Im scared of her going back to him or it happening again. Im scared of her just trying to make it work with me, but having something solid and real with him.

You’re on an extremely difficult path. I found reading, listening to podcasts and talking to people who’d walked it really helpful. You’ve already started right doing IC before CC. If you haven’t found them, How to help my spouse heal from my affair and not just friends are excellent books for you to read and pass to her. Affair recovery videos are an excellent resource.

Take a look at surviving infidelity, there are many amazing posters on there who have walked your path. Whichever way they ended up going in the end.

Reconciliation is possible, but it takes two people ALL in to do it and a chest who accepts 100% of the responsibility.

Cheat…

@SecretDoor

Im already doing IC but i don't see how its helping me. We just go over the same thing week after week.

@ErniesGhostlyGoldtops

He is a family friend. I know of him. I dont want to give him any time at all. I dont want him to think that he matters and we are still having issues nearly a year down the line. Also as its been so long i dont want to stir things up.

@2DogsOnMySofa

Thats interesting. Because my wife has just started using the excuse she cant remember. I think in my case she is more bothered about only admitting what she thinks i can handle and what i need to know.

I agree with you, that until you understand her motivation you won't believe a word she says.

She is trying to make it easier to forgive by saying it meant nothing, but of course that makes no sense at all. She must have had some sense of what she was doing and felt - what? Guilt? A frisson of illicit excitement? unless she is a sociopath (and you have been married to her for ages, so one assumes not). And something must have been "wrong" to make her feel it was okay to break her wedding vows, knowing how much it would hurt you.

Perhaps now it has all got so messy, she is finding it difficult to explain how she got entangled with this man in the first place, and why she felt tempted to have the affair. There is usually something that pushes someone in that direction - perhaps she was bored, the new man made her feel wanted and special. The reasons can start out quite small and innocuous then one thing leads to another and it's a full blown affair.

I think you have to accept you will never really get past this. It will always be there, standing between you. And I imagine having taken her decision to try to stay with you, she desperately wants to push it to the background as fast as possible with the minimum of hurt and trauma. But it isnt going to work that way, and she needs to get some advice herself to see that unless she is prepared to explore what happened and be more honest and open now, with herself as well as you, then there is no way forward.

I’ve just read the updates… I REALLY think you need to get on surviving infidelity.

I am reconciled, bloody happy I stayed, good few years now, and I know a number of couples who are also happy. It is there woven into the fabric of our marriage but we have moved on.

Healing time is two to five years but I wasn’t angry for all that time, just suffering the ripples of trauma.

You probably won't. My friend was similar and kept trying. He was extremely contrite like your wife....but 5 years on she threw in the towel and got divorced. He was devastated but the awful feelings just never went away.
Was hard but she has remarried and very happy. But she wishes she hadn't wasted 5 years of her life so I suggest you don't

This sounds very hard on you, but I think if you keep picking at a scab it's never going to heal. If you really want to move on from this, and of course it's your right to not want to, you need to try and accept what has been told to you as the truth. It's obvious from your wife's actions since you found out that it is you she wants and this was a mistake - people do make mistakes and you have to accept that if your relationship is to survive this. I suspect you do want to stay with her as a year has passed and you are still there.

Can you try and flip it on its head a bit? Just think of before the affair, how much did you know about her really? How much have you found out about her since that in the long run (and a year is not that long) should result in a deeper understanding of her (and vice versa) which will strengthen your relationship going forward. You don't have to forget but you do have to learn to live with what has happened and move on with your life, this will just be something that once happened, a bit like an episode of severe illness, but you will have found out a lot more about each other.

Is there something in your life that this reminds you of, did your parents split up when you were young, or have you previously been badly treated by a partner. If so this could explain why you might be having difficulty accepting what has happened, and you will need help from a therapist to decouple those feelings from this recent trauma.

These things do take time, but I know a few people who have got over affairs like this and are still happily married. Don't give up, if you love her and want to be with her you can.

@crestar

Thanks for leaving me with that thought

@Hopefullyoneday12

Thank you for your input. Im glad there is someone out there that has done what I'm trying to achieve. As it seems that its mostly thought that an affair will end all marriages when discovered. Did you go though the same issues im dealing with now at this stage

@Sofacouchboredom

Thanks for this, done the podcasts, done surviving infidelity and also read that book. Its like its taken over my life. Im obsessed. Im always looking at things on the internet, searching forums etc. Im sure its not heathy.

@Sofacouchboredom

You mean i should go out and cheat ? Or you calling my wife a cheat? Because i agree thats she is a cheat. I dont think two wrongs will make a right. If i cheat im no better than she is and that wont fix anything

My DH and I made it through to the other side after his affair. Today we have a different, but strong marriage. The process to get here was the worst time of our lives though. It was ugly and terrifying and took a long time. Ultimately, the place you eventually reach is acceptance, of lots of things, not just the affair. We'd been together for many years too. In fact your words might well be my own. I'd always thought that my views on infidelity were black and white, but as you say, when it comes to it, you are forced to acknowledge the grey. I think that there's a lot of power in examining what you have and rebuilding because you want to, rather than because you feel like you have no choice.

No I spelt the word wrong! Whatever you do don’t cheat!

Ok so you’ve done work, what about her?

@litterbird speaks sense.

If I can say this in a non-confrontational way, I don't agree with @Sofacouchboredom that the cheat has to accept 100% of the responsibility. Very few people (and in particular very few women) cheat because they want more/better sex. There tend to be very deep seated reasons, and some of those reasons can be related to their marriage and/or their spouse. Which doesn't mean you have done anything 'wrong' - but it does mean that if you want her to be honest with you (which she isn't being - and I can see why, as I cheated and was keen to sweep it under the carpet asap), you also have to be honest with yourself about what has led your marriage to the position it's in now. Are there things that you can both do to try to fix it? If it really is that she just doesn't fancy you any more and fancied having sex with someone else, is she someone you really want to be married to?

@crestar that was a really shitty thing to post. Why would you do that?

* She had no plan on ending the affair before she sperted it out in anger one evening.*

^I couldn’t get over this. She sounds cruel.

[quote SpicyTinkle]@crestar that was a really shitty thing to post. Why would you do that?[/quote]
I've asked fir it to be removed.

I wasn't intending it to cause hurt - i was simply the stating the reality for anyone that has been in that position. It IS what the innocent party thinks about. That's what i meant about the harsh reality.

@LollyLol

She says that the reason is because i didn't give her any attention and she felt unloved. I have to admit i did neglect her. Butt she understands that she made the choice to cheat thats nothing to do with me and she understands that she should have spoken to me, She says she wishes she had spoken to me and this will never happen again.

@Sofacouchboredom

Thats really helpful thank you. How was you at the 12 month stage? Did you still talk about it every day? Im really glad there is another person that managed to fix things. Thank you and good luck

@CountessDracula

Thank your for replying. Is an affair a mistake or is it a series of choices I cant accept it was a mistake even though she tries to say it was. I do have history. When i was thirteen my dad left my mum so i have been here before. Thank you for your reassuring words. I hope i can be one of those people that make it through to the other end

@SpicyTinkle

Thank you for your kind words and a bit of hope. I'm glad you managed to work things out. Its good to see people can do it . I understand its going to be hard and im living it. I just dont know if im making a mess of things

@Sofacouchboredom

Ah right lol. Got ya. That makes sense now
She is working hard. She is doing everything. She has stopped contact stayed away quit social media changed numbers moved towns and is willing to do CC. She really tried to make me feel loved and wanted

@litterbird

Can you get yourself to some private individual counselling that might help you move through this awful process. You are absolutely right in thinking that there were feelings for this man before the affair started and after and it is to her detriment that she wont be truthful to you about this. One thing you must live with is the fact you will never, ever get the full version of events. What your wife is giving you is the version that is the least damaging so you will stay with her. It is not the truth but part truth. Thats why you know it isn't the full story. I am afraid if you want to stay with your wife you have to realise your marriage is dead but a different marriage has to come out of this affair. Some become stronger and some do not survive as the betrayal cannot be overcome. Some cheaters return to their affair partners and some sever all ties as your wife has done. One year out of discovery is still very raw and without major support from a therapist you may not come through this at all. You must get help for both of you if this is really what you want. It is also ok to realise that the damage is so deep it cannot be fixed and you will need to move forward without your wife before your mental health takes a hitting and you spend the rest of your life in purgatory.

Totally agree with this. You will NEVER get the full version because she knows you would either leave her if she did or be even more angry, sad and broken than you are now.

I know exactly how you feel but in your situation I would leave because it went on for a while and feelings were had. You will never get over this.

She made the choice to rip your family apart by doing this in the first place. You shouldn't feel guilty for walking away.

@crestar I'm glad you've asked for your post to be removed. The op has described how he is struggling with this particular aspect of it and it doesn't require you to add colour. Jeez.

Thats really helpful thank you. How was you at the 12 month stage? Did you still talk about it every day? Im really glad there is another person that managed to fix things. Thank you and good luck

At twelve months, I was still in shock, reeling, angry, raging. It took time. I learnt to speak calmly to my husband and express my pain rationally. He has never minimised or blamed our marriage, it was his choice to deal with whatever he was going through like that. He has always accepted that he made a series of awful decisions and that it was never just a ‘mistake’. We don’t need to talk about it now but when it comes up he’s happy to talk.

I do know the full story, this helps and I’ve read enough into Romantic/limerant affairs the chemical processes and neuroscience to believe what he describes is true.

Sorry but 2 months is a fling. You decide OP what do you want?

Either let it go or move on and end your marriage. Because it will tear BOTH of you down as people

Have you tried reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass?

People can get briefly infatuated and get a real hit of excitement and connection that lasts a short while and then when it's over leaves little trace emotionally (bit like short but intense teen romances) so I think it's perfectly possible that she no longer feels anything for the OM and can barely imagine having intense feelings for him). I know because it had happened to me in my early 20s when i was living with my now DH. When it was over it was like it had happened to someone else, it seemed almost unreal and I didn't find it that difficult or weird to reconnect with DH afterwards although i obviously felt ashamed and embarrassed.