The affair is destroying my family

[barclay20q]

My wife’s affair has destroyed our family and is ripping through us like a cancer.

Since the affair was disclosed just under a year ago, the aftermath of the affair has destroyed my life, my family and is continuing to destroy the little that we do have left.

Since D-Day, my wife has done everything she possibly can to try and fix and help me heal. Cut contact with the affair partner, changed mobile numbers, come off social media, moved city, changed cars. But it’s been hard work and it’s getting harder. Time should be making things better, but things feel like are getting worse.

I have always had a problem with her version of events. I have never, really been given the full story from start to finish. I have always been given parts of what happened and filled in the blanks myself. She doesn’t rub my face in it but stick by the fact that he made her happy but she doesn’t want him. She wants us and only us. He was a massive mistake and she wants to get on with our lives.

But How ?

How do you really move on? When in the back of my mind is what they did, what they felt and the biggest one is how she could even do it when she had a loving family at home.

She is always showing me love, sending texts saying she loves me and we will get through this. Why isn’t this enough? I get triggered by texts that she sends to me and I think did she say that to him?

At this stage I understand I won’t be over it, but shouldn’t I at least be at a stage where we don’t argue, bicker or fight every day and discus the affair? She is giving answers and I’m not accepting them. It’s like unless the answer she gives, hurts me in some way, I don’t believe it.

I have a feeling I’m not getting the whole story. The story doesn’t add up. Should I leave it and try and move on, as I really want my wife and my family back, or do I continue to try and get what I believe may be the truth, but then there is always a possibility that she has given me the truth and I’m just pushing her away.

My biggest fear is that she still has feelings, no matter how small for her affair partner and there is always a chance this can start up all over again. You can’t have a 2 month physical and emotional affair and come away with no feelings. Like she is trying to get me to believe. It’s clear the affair partner meant something to her, but she denies this and says the affair was a mistake and he meant and means nothing.

Isn’t this what cheaters normally say

@barclay20q Would it make you feel better or worse? I mean, if she turns around now and says 'okay, yes I did have feelings for him' what is that going to change? Will you be less hurt? More hurt? Find it easier to move on?

Maybe she really did have feelings for him and maybe she thinks by telling you that it's going to be more hurtful, or that you will cling to that and think that she still does.

You are NEVER going to think she is telling the truth - you have been brutally hurt and betrayed. It will take you a long time to trust her again but ultimately, if you want to save your marriage you are going to have to.

One of the reasons I left my DH in the end was because he was never going to trust me and I knew that. He was still checking up on, looking at mileage on my car etc I wasn't prepared to live like that. Did I deserve it? Probably, but it didn't mean I was going to accept that from someone who wanted us to save our marriage.

[quote barclay20q]@AcrossthePond55

I know life is hard and this happens to thousands of people every day in here. But its a lonely place not knowing whats the truth, who to believe and if the life you have lived for so long has turned out to be a worthless lie.

Life is hard but at the moment i see no other way apart from trying with my wife as thats what i want to do. Doesn't mean its going to be easy though. Until i feel she is telling me the truth we will be going around in circles and that worries me.[/quote]
The thing is, you will never know the truth. Or rather, you'll never truly trust that the 'truth' she tells you IS the truth. Look at my first post. The trust is broken and it will never be the same. You're going to have to settle for the 'mended plate' I spoke of and be happy with it. Otherwise you'll go round in circles for the rest of your life, or until she leaves you because she can't take it anymore.

Obviously it is your life and you must do as you see fit. But do so with your eyes open.

Did she confess or did you find out ?

If she confessed there is more chance she is basically (perhaps with some trickle truth) telling the truth.

@barclay20q

Being made happy means something doesnt it. Its not just fun its happiness

Not in an 8 week fling, no it can't possibly be. It's all heightened by secrecy, novelty, variety, feeling like you have no responsibilities, exciting. Nobody can develop deep feelings in 8 weeks. Happiness is something you find within yourself anyway, not externally from some guy to prop up your self-esteem and alleviate your boredom, or whatever reason she gave you for the fling. It might be excitement, but it isn't true happiness.

Of course it’s not going to be easy to move on, she made a mistake , do the details really matter if you want to move on you must learn to trust her again, very very difficult when you are still hurting ! You say your wife has done everything possible to try and fix and help you heal! I don’t know what else she can do ! It sounds to me as if she’s really trying to make your marriage work! Hereforthetea has made some good points

[quote barclay20q]@AcrossthePond55

I know life is hard and this happens to thousands of people every day in here. But its a lonely place not knowing whats the truth, who to believe and if the life you have lived for so long has turned out to be a worthless lie.

Life is hard but at the moment i see no other way apart from trying with my wife as thats what i want to do. Doesn't mean its going to be easy though. Until i feel she is telling me the truth we will be going around in circles and that worries me.[/quote]
I'm so sorry this happened...
Trying with my wife as that's what I want to

Then you do it... but you tell her that she has to that she has to earn your trust again.

I only wish you luck. It will be difficult for awhile. Your heart will heal eventually, but there will be triggers throughout this time and possibly a lifetime. Light, life and peace to you during your healing.

The hole in your heart will be filled with love and joy one day...Forgive.
( art by Destiny Blue)

What do you mean she changed towns/city ? Did you all move?

@CambsAlways

Of course it’s not going to be easy to move on, she made a mistake , do the details really matter if you want to move on you must learn to trust her again, very very difficult when you are still hurting ! You say your wife has done everything possible to try and fix and help you heal! I don’t know what else she can do ! It sounds to me as if she’s really trying to make your marriage work! Hereforthetea has made some good points

would you genuinely give a woman this response if her husband had cheated? that the husband has done everything they can to repair the marriage? doubt it

I don't think you can move on from an affair unless there's a period of separation. You have to try to mend away from the other person. You cannot even begin to do it whilst you're still in the relationship with them. It needs to be quite some time apart too, not just a token 6 weeks. Amongst other things, it gives you time and space to figure out what you really want.

“Life is hard but at the moment i see no other way apart from trying with my wife as thats what i want to do. Doesn't mean its going to be easy though. Until i feel she is telling me the truth we will be going around in circles and that worries me.”

Then try if that’s what you want to do. You can change your mind at any time.
It’s bloody hard. An unpredictable rollercoaster like no other and you’re right, it’s lonely. It might not be worth it, but then it also might. Time and commitment from both sides will tell whether the relationship is worth saving or the remorse is real.
However, one of the hard truths about staying is that feeling “she is telling me the truth” might not happen. Because trust is the last thing to be established, and takes a long time. You have every right not to trust someone who has lied to you, cheated and manipulated you until they prove to you that they have left that behaviour in the past. It takes a long time and you might not be able to live with that. Constant anxiety and mistrust is no way to live. Its too soon now to trust. If she told you the truth, if maybe she is telling you the truth, how will you know? You won’t even trust the truth at the moment and why should you? She shattered it. If she says she didn’t have strong feelings for him but you won’t believe her until she tells you that she did, would that help? Make your decision easier? Help you torture yourself more? Whatever she thought about him (remember affair relationships aren’t operating in a reality-based situation and everything is heightened by the secrecy and wanting something you can’t have) evaporated when reality hit and she saw she was going to lose you. Astonishing how many of these allegedly unhappy people run straight back to their partner once the bubble bursts. Discovery surely gives unhappy people a reason to stop sneaking around and skip off into the sunset? Vast majority don’t want to. She’s chosen the marriage, and you, and you also want to try again. So try. It’s so hard, but give it a try.
You have every right to question her and expect honesty, but the catch here is that because your trust is shattered, you will forensically pick apart everything you are told to try to spot the tiny bit that doesn’t ring true. Because you are hyper vigilant now and don’t trust her. You don’t have to yet, she hasn’t earned it back yet.
Listen to the answers she gives you but don’t pick them apart without evidence. You can pass them through your ‘belief’ filters (eg If he made her happy she must have felt something for him etc) all day long, but just because you believe that doesn’t necessarily make it true. She must have liked him, obviously, but how developed or realistic are feelings based on a fantasy relationship conducted in fake circumstances? No real life issues to intrude, just dress up, show up, create a perfect self image to project as this new person has no idea what you’re really like, listen to all the unearned flattery and bask in the attention? Add the spice of the forbidden and sneaking around and as a famous writer said “Sleep with a log enough times and you’ll fall in love with it”
Ask your questions but don’t dwell, or use them as weapons to be raked up in rows or as punishment, as deserved as that feels. You can’t ever know what another person felt or feels about anyone or anything with any accuracy. All you can know is facts about times, places, what happened. Feelings can’t be ‘proved’ and you’ll torture yourself into insanity.
Find the affair recovery websites and arm yourself with information. There’s no shame in trying or walking away. When the time’s right you’ll know what to do. Good luck, it’s the situation from hell, I know, but time and commitment will tell whether it was worth saving or not.

@barclay20q

If she was to turn around and say she did have feelings for him I would be disappointed that she has lied for so long. Which would probably bring a whole set of new problems. But at least it wouldn’t feel like I’m being lied to. I have been lied to for so long while the affair was going on. She keeps saying she wishes it never have happened and she will fix this. Why can’t she see that she can help me heal by giving me the truth.

I really do think she is trying to protect my feelings and I have accused her of trying to protect herself and what she had with him even him to an extent. I think you’re right. I think may be because I’m at the stage where no matter what she says I will doubt the truth and look too much into things.

I want to save my marriage more than anything. It’s just so hard to try and accept and try and move on. People will say if you can’t move on leave but at the moment that’s just not an option. I will save this marriage! She is doing everything and shows signs she wants this and I owe it to myself and my family to help put things right.

@AcrossthePond55

Your right I don’t think I will never know the real truth so why am I putting myself through the constant questioning when I’m always getting the same answers.

@AusFrosty

She confessed but not in a way you would expect. We were in bed at night and bickering. She had drank a few wines and I asked was there some one else. She said no there was no one else three times until I asked her to swear on our kids and at that point my life changed for ever and she admitted everything.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron

I keep trying to tell myself this was a 7 or 8 week fling. People cant develop feelings in that amount of time. But they seen each other every single day for an hour or so they would text all the way through he day and night and even have 40 minute conversations over the phone. I keep thinking that’s a lot of time to spend with someone even if it was only 8 weeks. She states that they had a laugh, they talked it was fun.

@CambsAlways

Did she really make a mistake? Or did she make some wrong choices. Because I don’t see an affair as a mistake. She knew what she was doing. She admitted that she felt guilty and did think of me but it wasn’t enough. She carried on anyway and says she was selfish.

Details really do matter to me. Im trying to piece together what happened in a part of my life that I have no idea what happened. Even though I wasn’t directly part of this seedy affair, I was still part of it all the same but I just didn’t know it.

I deserve to have the truth instead of me having to fill in the blanks in my head.

PiperPosey

Thank you for the kind words. It’s been difficult for the past year and we are still here and together. That must count for something. Your right its going to take time.

But we are coming up to the this time last year they kissed this time last year they had sex and so on. She says she won’t be thinking like that. But we both know she will.

@ChickenStripper

We all moved. We moved our whole family to another city. Its only 40 minutes up the road but it works for us

@Imabouttoexplode

I have thought about separation in the early days of discovery, but decided to stick I out. It seems to be working but will take time.

@Thewookiemustgo

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I agree I need to learn to trust. It will take time, but at the moment it just seems impossible. I cant remember my life before the affair. Its ripping through our family like a cancer. Its affected us all in one way or another and I suppose that’s what affairs do. I would advised anyone that is thinking of having an affair that its just not worth it. To many people get hurt.

I have even thought is her AP partner hurting, as my wife dropped him too. He thought he loved my wife and she ended things with him. He couldn’t have loved her that much as he hasn’t put up a fight for her. My wife says he couldn’t have loved her that much then could he.

The Constant anxiety and mistrust is a problem. From the minute I open my eyes to the time I got to bed it’s on my mind. I never get a rest. I hat ethe way I’m loving right now. I love my wife I love my family and I love my life but I know there is shit going on behind the scenes and god knows how my wife is feeling. Because I can ask her yes and she will and has said she is happy with us and our life but inside I think she must be missing her AP. It’s impossible not too. She keeps saying it’s not like that and I don’t understand. I ask her to explain and she says she doesn’t know if it’s the affair that made her happy or if it was him as she has never had an affair or been in this position before.

Your right. Until she gives me the bad stuff like, she did have feelings for him I won’t accept the answer. It’s like I need her to say she had feelings for him or she loved him or she missed him because then I feel the pain and if I don’t feel the pain it’s not the truth.

I asked her, at the time if she thought about what she could loose and she said not really. She said looking back at it now she can’t really remember what she was thinking. Because when she looks back now she thinks what the hell was she doing. She said, she did think about me and the kids and she did feel guilty but doesn’t know why she didn’t end it. I said because she didn’t want to and she just says well may be, but it don’t think it was like that.

I don’t know if she is taking me for a fool or if she is just being honest.

I will pick apart all her answers and I will never really know how she is feeling.

I said last night I would contact him on Facebook and ask him for answers as he has nothing to lose. Then she said why do that though its nearly been a year and now you’re going to bring it all back up and then he will think we are having problems. In a way I see what she means as if the tables were turned I wouldn’t want my wife contacting the person I had an affair with a year later and making it messy again as we are trying to move forward. But then I think is she really just not wanting him to tell me the truth

My head is all over the place and don’t really know if I’m thinking straight

You need to put this to bed and either accept or break up but even I, who have been in your shoes, would find it draining if I was your OH. Good people make mistakes. If the affair is over, let it go. Concentrate on being the best, most positive, attentive you can be as a husband, friend and support to your wife. She is obviously filled with remorse and regret. Do not let it become regret that she stayed. Best foot forward with a happy disposition. Good luck. 😊

Frankly - if you find it so hard to move on just end this misery for everyone and split up. I’m not justifying what she did, I’m not minimising your pain. But living this way, for everyone included, is hell on Earth and just not worth it. Unless you work on your obsessive ruminations (I suggest getting professional help) it’s not going to end well for your marriage anyway. I’m saying this with kindness - set everyone free.

She confessed but not in a way you would expect. We were in bed at night and bickering. She had drank a few wines and I asked was there some one else. She said no there was no one else three times until I asked her to swear on our kids and at that point my life changed for ever and she admitted everything.

Based on this ^^ I would think you need to split as she clearly had no real intention to tell you until you pushed her.

The thing about asking her what she was thinking at the time and didn't she realise she was risking everything @barclay20q - it serves no purpose to ask her those questions. Successful cheaters are the sort of people who compartmentalise very well. You probably don't have that trait so it's difficult for you to understand.

The fact that she can look back and can't understand what she was thinking at the time is good evidence that she compartmentalises extremely well - to the point of not actually remembering clearly herself what she was thinking at the time.

Does she have any other narcissistic traits?

@diploc

So are you saying that because she was able to compartmentalises extremely well there is more of a chance she will cheat again or even carry on the affair with the AP?

Over the past 21 years I can say she has never cheated on me. Well as far as i know and I 100% really believe that. She wasn't the type. Something changed.

But even now she wouldn't have the time to cheat. She now goes straight home from work, she doesn't go out at night, when basically she takes one of our children where ever she goes. There isn't any way she could carry on cheating. Apart from getting a second phone, creating a new email address or creating new social media accounts.

Should i be worried that she compartmentalises extremely well ?

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow

I see what your saying about the fact she didn't come clean, not really. But she says she would have told me in the end as it wouldn't have gone on for ever and she was never leaving me.

I have said the same thing to her, that she only said because she had a drink and was trying to get at me. But her response was at least she did tell me and that wasn't the cases at all.

I wont to believe her but may be i have go the rose tinted glasses on and dont want to believe that she really wanted to cheat on me any longer than she did.

That makes me a fool right

@Sarahovwelby

I hear what your saying and in an ideal world I wish i could do what your saying. But i feel stuck.

I don't know how to move past the fact that she could be lying about her feelings. We are going around in circles. But its early days isn't it?

It must get better and easier at some point

@barclay20q you shouldn't be concerned that just because she clearly can compartmentalise really well that she will automatically cheat on you again. Compartmentalisation is not a cause of cheating; it's a useful tool which facilitates cheating - makes it much easier not to experience the guilt associated with cheating.

"It's working so far".

It obviously isn't. You're turning yourself inside out. You've put a sticking plaster over the whole thing and that's all. You might think that you're the exception but I promise you you're not.......you cannot mend this relationship without some time apart.

@barclay20q

I keep trying to tell myself this was a 7 or 8 week fling. People cant develop feelings in that amount of time.

Why do you think that? Do you think she cold-bloodedly selected some guy out of pure lust simply for sexual gratification? Of course she had 'feelings' for him. How deep those feelings went is anybody's guess, including her own. Even she probably doesn't know exactly what she felt for him, so no wonder she can't answer that question.

FWIW, my DH and I have been married close to 40 years. For both of us it was love at first sight. I'm obviously not saying that she has formed a deep and abiding love for her AP, but don't just assume that feelings always develop over time.

Your right I don’t think I will never know the real truth so why am I putting myself through the constant questioning when I’m always getting the same answers.

Have you heard Einstein's definition of insanity? "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". That's exactly what you're doing. If you want to change the result, then stop doing the same thing.

I have no idea why you're torturing yourself (and her) in this way, but torture it is. I think it would be a good idea for you to see a counselor on your own to explore your feelings and help you arrive at some measure of peace and direction.

I include her in the 'torturing' because if you have decided to stay in the marriage, it's unfair to her for you to keep hammering at her. I'm not excusing her. I've said cheating is a deal breaker for me and if I were you I would be long gone. But you cannot find peace for yourself at the expense of hers IF you want to stay together.

It’s early days. It’s far too early to just move on and without the full truth it’s harder still. Decide why you want the information you want and how having it will help you. If it’s because you need it to heal, she should give it to you, for as long as it takes, but nobody can take constant badgering and she will close up more unless you set ground rules and times for discussion.
Nobody can just ‘move on’ within a short space of time, no matter what anybody says. You need time to learn and process. This is all new information to you and you are playing catch up whilst in a profound state of shock.
No, when they’re cheating they don’t think about us, or they maximise our faults to help justify what they’re doing. Yes, compartmentalising happens but no, it doesn’t mean they’ll cheat again as a matter of course. Getting discovered breaks the compartment wide open and few affairs survive that. Once the bubble is burst with reality they are forced to see their actions and the impact it’s had on those they love. The compartment refuses to go back together and nine times out of ten (if it wasn’t an exit affair) they can’t continue with the charade and/or now the exciting secret is exposed as a sordid lie, it just ain’t as fascinating as it was and they’re horrified how far it went. My husband thought he was in pretty deep and was astonished “how quickly it turned to shit” once reality hit. The heady stuff just evaporated and seedy lies were all that was left. Facing the OW to tell her that and finish it was another nightmare as he was faced to see that he’d used her too.
It’s all based on lies, OP. You’re not the only one in the triangle lied to. Both affair partners often lie to each other and themselves. It’s the stuff affairs are made of.
Trying to find time to see each other against a backdrop of risk and getting caught is far more heady and exciting than two single people saying “Do you want to go to dinner next Tuesday?” and putting it in the diary. Therefore do not view their relationship as being anything like yours or meaning the same as yours. It’s quite possible she thought he was the dog’s bollocks at the time and now wonders where that feeling went. It probably ended right along with the fantasy.
Affairs are crazy and you’re right, if people knew the hurt caused to all involved, they’d never do it in a million years. (Habitual deceivers care for nobody but themselves, however, and don’t apply in this case.)
Have a plan for recovery, decide it together, explain calmly why you need to know stuff, that you’re not raking it up to be unpleasant or punish, and that knowing the truth will end the questions and help trust issues. Once all the questions are answered, to your satisfaction, you have to stop asking. Your timeline and your satisfaction, not hers.
Once you are satisfied, I repeat: you have to stop asking.
You have to choose to accept what she did, not necessarily forgive until you are ready, and concentrate on the present. Your relationship will eventually fail anyway if you don’t. This doesn’t mean forget, you can’t forget, you accept it happened, you can’t change it and it’s time to work on the two of you. Only when you are ready to.
It honestly is a choice, it will not ‘just happen’. Yes, it’s unfair, yes, you’ll get triggered, yes, she’ll need to comfort and support you through them. Mentioning the affair if you’re triggered is fine, to ask for her comfort and support. But don’t use the trigger as a springboard for more affair questions and discussions.
If your relationship is a good one worth saving it will be ok, OP. You’ll know when you get to this point, it’s a hard long slog but worth doing if it’s right. You’ll know if it isn’t and you can call it a day knowing you tried.
Join an affair recovery forum or get counselling or rant here or to me privately if you want. Don’t keep ranting at her, it does more damage, but you need somewhere to talk about this stuff, or your mental health will take a bigger nosedive.
You can’t just ‘get over it’ or just ‘move on’. People end up with PTSD because of shit like this and it can feel worse than a bereavement. If she’d died nobody would be telling you to get over it or move on. Betrayal can be harder to deal with than a death. Be kind to yourself and try to find a way forward whilst dealing with the past. Take care. X

Several things that are true and stated earlier by others:
You will never know the truth and if you did know all the nitty-gritty, it would hurt you even more.
Secondly, it does seem that she's done everything she can to move forward and away from him - many don't do this.
Thirdly, there's zero point in contacting the other man as it could end up pushing them back together again.

One thing I've learnt in a very similar situation to you, is not to look weak. If I could go back in time and hold my head high, I most certainly would. What I did, was what you are doing and that is become needy, weak and relentless with questions. I very quickly saw my husband run back to the other woman as I had become a complete nutter.

Another thing I have learnt is not to trust anyone. You never know what life has in store and sometimes I think you need to just enjoy the moment.

So sorry you are feeling like this. I feel your pain.

I'm a (male) lurker on the relationship thread as I needed some advice from others a few years ago when I was in a similarly painful place.

I just wanted to offer you some hope. We are 4 years on, and the pain has largely gone. My wifes affair was historic and the AP had just died, which in some ways was easier, in some ways (dealing with lies) worse.

We had generally had a good marriage, and I still loved her, much as you clearly love your wife. I also wanted to give it a chance as I didn't want to ruin things for our sons.

I found acceptance, not forgiveness, to be key. It's an easier mental task, or at least it was for me. It stops you worrying about what happened here or there or what was said.

We are now empty nesters, but I'm so glad we held on and tried, and I can say that when I think of the affair (as I do occasionally) it is numbness not pain. Some of this is probably time. It can never be the same entirely but in some ways we are better and more appreciative of each other. There are no second chances though!

I found "I can't get over my partner's affair " by Andrew Marshall very helpful.

If you still love her, keep the faith.

My husband had an affair a few years ago. It was absolutely awful and the trust was gone for a long time.

What helped me was that I was able to see why it had happened. There were some issues in our relationship, a high risk pregnancy, too much work, too little time for each other and a lack of communication.

I felt incredibly let down and depressed for quite a while but when I realised that for us it was partly due to our relationship having issues (separate to the affair) which now are sorted, it helped me to finally move on.