[quote FingerBubble]@vivariumvivariumsvivaria
I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling. What are the next steps for you?
I too am appalled by the terrible mistake I made, I can’t stop thinking back to the time around when I got together with him, and I want to give the person I was then a shake and tell her to run for the hills.
I had a text from in-laws yesterday offering to babysit while we had a night away. It’s obviously being treated as “poor finger bubble is a bit stressed, she needs a bit of TLC”. It’s so so much deeper than that[/quote]
Thanks for asking, @fingerbubble, that's kind of you.
He was pissed mid afternoon, FFS when I spoke to him.
He's WFH (I've always WFH from the kitchen table, but when he needed to money was suddenly available to convert the garage into an office) so when he put the kettle on I asked him "is there anything further you'd like to add to yesterday's conversation now that you're sober?"
He deflected "I don't know what you mean" "yes you do" and then he mumbled without eye contact TO THE KETTLE "I'm sorry for what I said"
The kettle is as impressed as I was.
"Which bit of it are you sorry for?"
"I don't remember what I said"
"then why are you apologising? That's not helpful, that's you not taking responsibility" He tried to deflect again and change the subject.
I had written down his character assassination so I helpfully read it out to him. Told him it's abusive, he said it's not, I said the law says that stonewalling and gas lighting are abusive behaviours and that I don't wish to live with this any more. That this kettle conversation is an opportunity for him to demonstrate that he does want things to improve, but what I'm getting is denial and avoidance which is not an appropriate response to treating your spouse badly and not very attractive either.
He said he's given up alcohol (probably wise, there are five bottles of wine missing from SATURDAY) I told him the alcohol wasn't the issue because he's not kind to me when he's sober either.
"what do you want me to do?"
I told him that it was up to him to figure something out. This is his mess that he made and it's not my job to fix it. If he comes up with something useful then I'll work with him, but I'm no longer wasting my energy trying to make a marriage with only one person in it work. If he wants to participate I'll join in.
I'm haven't told him I've decided to leave. I need to get some money together and start to prepare the kids. He's so focussed on himself he won't notice what I'm doing, he really won't notice, which is kind of sad in itself.
I've realised I've got a great opportunity in the summer where I think I could actually make enough money to cover a deposit. It'll be hard work, but I'm not afraid of work, and I am afraid of another decade of this shit.
I'm not having another Christmas like the last one. This Christmas I will only be with people who make me laugh and who love me. There's 9 months to December. I've grown lives in 9 months, so surely that will be enough time to fix my own life so that I can look forward to a really lovely Christmas?
I'm absolutely shocked by the level of contempt he holds for me. I didn't realise it was that bad. It's devastated me, I feel so belittled and I think I feel dehumanised by him.
I've spent 20 years with a man who thinks I am beneath him, that he's doing me a favour by staying with me and for forgiving me for my inadequacies. He used the phrase "typical bloody woman" and summarised all the ways I embarrassed and neglected him going right back to when we were DATING! Fucking hell. It was all misunderstandings, things he overheard or misconstrued and instead of saying "what did you mean?" he created a narrative where I'm a bitch.
The general theme is that he is entitled to a lot more blow jobs than he gets. He was a bit indignant that I laughed in his face at that. I couldn't help it, it's so ludicrous, it's's something a teenage incel would write on reddit, not what a grown man with a mature marriage would say. It was so ludicrous a laugh, a real belly laugh exploded from me before I could stop it. He thought that was rude of me.
There was a lot of sneering. The look on his face hurts more than the words. It is undeniable, this man thinks I am lesser than him. He thinks everyone is lesser than him.
That realisation really made me catch my breath - he thinks that he is superior to everyone in our household, to our extended family, all his workplace and the entire, actual 5 billion other people on the planet. I had no idea, I've always thought he's autistic and have repeatedly asked him to see a psychologist to be assessed. I now think a psychologist would laugh like I did about the missing blow jobs and say "Viv, this man is not neurodiverse, you just married a common or garden grade A prick"
I haven't cried, which is very unlike me. I am not less than him. I am a good person, a kind person, a smart person and and absolute sucker for allowing myself to be totally duped.
I'm considering buying a crate of wine and seeing if the fucker will fall drink the lot and fall asleep in front of the x box. I've seen Breaking Bad, letting someone choke on their own vomit is not exactly murder and not traceable to you, it's just another tragic end to someone's addiction because no one knew how bad it was.
I'm sure the urge to do that will pass. I hope so, because it's a bit unsettling to have thoughts like that about my husband.
I doubt that the urge to leave him will pass though. The only thing that would be more rock bottom than this would be if he physically assaulted me, and he's far too much in control and far too bright for that.
"the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them". Gawd, I knew it, I knew who he was, I just couldn't bear to believe it.
Anyway. That turned into a lot of me-me-me. I'm a bit isolated as I haven't told anyone IRL. It's helpful to think about it and write it down.
TL:DR version - fuck this shit.