How did you know you weren't in love anymore?

[treasure47]

My husband and I have recently separated but still living together. Getting along actually better than before we (I) made the decision but it's confusing because I find myself thinking "do I really want to separate? Things aren't that bad".
But I have no desire to be intimate or affectionate with him, I'd have to force that, it doesn't come naturally to me anymore. I also don't particularly look forward to him coming home or spending time with him, we have different interests now. I'm sure I just love him as a family member or friend.
How did you know you didn't have those feelings anymore?

Trying to stick to my decision (after over a year of turmoil and going around in circles) and not just think it's easier to stay for the sake of DS.

My heart goes out to everyone I’m the same the thought of this for the next 20 years without the wonderful in-laws just makes my heart sink.

@FingerBubble

Yes to the point about permanent pain vs temporary anguish - hard as it is to think back on the last ten years, I can’t contemplate how awful it would be to live this lie for the next ten, twenty , however many years

BUT I would be causing pain to my children. I just don’t know if I can do that to them. I empathise with the other posters in the same position, you spent your life protecting them , so to be the person inflicting the worst hurt on them is so so hard to think about

I know once I mention it in real life to anyone other than DH, that will be it, the genie will be out of the bottle - I have never, ever discussed my relationship with anyone, because I knew I was making a mistake marrying DH (it was a whirlwind, I was on the rebound) and if I’d opened up about my doubts my friends and family would have encouraged me to end it as they hated him but it was like I was on a. Self destruct mission.

As someone said up thread, I lost my sparkle the day I met him

And (apologies for rambling on someone else’s thread, but it is my only outlet at the moment) I think I need to stop dwelling on my DH’s faults. He is good man in many ways, and he has no more faults that me or any other person, and I feel like they are almost beside the point - there is literally nothing he can do, no practical steps he can take to make me love him . I just don’t and, I now recognise, I never have. It’s not a case of “if you start bringing me flowers, telling me I’m beautiful and asking me about my day, then all will be well” It won’t be, it’ll just make me feel guilty if I don’t play along, and I’ll resign myself to pushing my emotions aside for another decade

Children survive divorce. Some even tech adulthood and say their parents made the right decision. Is he going to become an awful Dad, a vindictive person? Will you? Doesn't sound like it. Will you in another decade be broken, miserable. Will he? Your kids will see that for sure.

There are no guarantees here, I know that.

I had a real life chat with a dear friend today and she opened my eyes to a few more things and one was the impossibility of me surviving much longer in a marriage where W says "I love you" and I lie and say it back. It's not doable I don't think.

Jesus.

This thread is more helpful than four marriage counsellors, various online courses and endless sleepless nights.

Temporary anguish or permanent pain.

Shit.

Nothing he can do will fix it.

Shit.

These truths have done something to me.

He could do all of the things that I ask of him. Which are reasonable, not demanding, most of them are free. He could throw himself into saving our marriage. And it will not be enough.

I am too hurt by his neglect and it is too far gone. I either accept his behaviour and accept this is how I feel and live with the consequences, or I don't.

Fuck.

@Notsuchaniceguy Does your wife know how you feel?
I really understand the "I love you" and feeling like you have to say it back. It got to the point where I just had to stop saying it back because it started to feel like something I HAD to say, like a ritual. It upset him and he still said it to me for a while and I felt like such an awful person not saying it back. I wished he'd just stop saying it. Now he pretty much has.
It's such a sad situation, you can't force love 😞

I sometimes feel like unless it's at least partly a mutual decision I can't fully go through with it. I'd like to think that I wouldn't stay with someone who I knew didn't love me back but I know that's easier said than done. I suppose just as much as you can't force love, you can't force yourself to stop loving someone either.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria "Fuck" says it all. I am 55, some of you on here are much younger than me. You do not want to feel like I do at my age. Do what you have to do.

I wish he would say to me "I love you" so that I could reply saying I'm sorry but I don't. But neither of us has said it for years, in fact I can't remember the last time, certainly more than 10 years ago. When we had a discussion around two years ago about how I felt and how unhappy i was, he said "I need you". Yeah well, I'm not your mum.... And that's what I think he sees me as, certainly not a woman or a lover, absolutely not.
And here I am hiding out at my mum's house to avoid going home and having any time with DH before the kids get home. And she's not even here! I'm just hiding! Ridiculous to be living life this way at 45

We’d had numerous issues, I’d been thinking of leaving for some time. Then I started falling for someone else. It made me think about what was wrong in the relationship and why I was even noticing someone else, when previously I never would have noticed any other guy.

And then he lied to me, again, for what felt like the hundredth time and I just knew that I had no choice, it was over, and I had to leave.

@Notsuchaniceguy - yep, someone upthread said they were approaching 40.

I'm 50 on my birthday. And I am not convinced that I made the right decision. Well, series of decisions.

Do I want to be in this same situation at 60? No. Because by then he'll be getting older and might have health needs and I'll be lumbered with nursing the selfish sod.

This is going to sound cynical, but I think I stayed because I wanted a clear conscience for when I leave.

I think I've unconsciously spent a decade throwing everything at trying to save my marriage solely so I can say to my kids "I tried everything" before I turn their world upside down.

I'm not sure what I think about that.

I’m 55 and believe me plans are afoot.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Jesus.

This thread is more helpful than four marriage counsellors, various online courses and endless sleepless nights.

Temporary anguish or permanent pain.

Shit.

Nothing he can do will fix it.

Shit.

These truths have done something to me.

He could do all of the things that I ask of him. Which are reasonable, not demanding, most of them are free. He could throw himself into saving our marriage. And it will not be enough.

I am too hurt by his neglect and it is too far gone. I either accept his behaviour and accept this is how I feel and live with the consequences, or I don't.

Fuck.

Totally agree “Fuck”. I’m similar in age to you, now 51 and feel time is running out to make changes. Can’t keep just staying stuck indefinitely.

Christ, everyone. Just do it. Life is too short. Too short to come home from work to find your so called partner sitting in pyjamas after his unannounced night away, wet washing on the kitchen bench, beds not made, washing up not done..... Who wants this shit for the rest of their lives????

All of your comments are resonating so much this evening.

I feel horribly guilty this evening. We've planned a family movie night with DD, he's gone to pick up takeaway. He's done absolutely nothing wrong this evening yet he's irritating me beyond belief. I think this is my sign (after a long few months of arguments/splitting then not etc etc).

The thought of still being in this position in 10 years terrifies me, yet like OP I'm not sure whether it's bad enough to throw in the towel for.

@19Bears

Christ, everyone. Just do it. Life is too short. Too short to come home from work to find your so called partner sitting in pyjamas after his unannounced night away, wet washing on the kitchen bench, beds not made, washing up not done..... Who wants this shit for the rest of their lives????

I want to come to my own home (we'll realistically a rented tiny flat) and be alone. But also able to speak to my friends without having to lie about parts of my life. Like what I want to like on Facebook without being questioned. That would do it.

@donesomethingterrible

All of your comments are resonating so much this evening.

I feel horribly guilty this evening. We've planned a family movie night with DD, he's gone to pick up takeaway. He's done absolutely nothing wrong this evening yet he's irritating me beyond belief. I think this is my sign (after a long few months of arguments/splitting then not etc etc).

The thought of still being in this position in 10 years terrifies me, yet like OP I'm not sure whether it's bad enough to throw in the towel for.

How old is your DD? Does she pick up on things between you do you think?

We have times like this too when we're all together and it's nice, and sometimes we'll have evenings just the 2 of us that are nice too but always feels more like friends nowadays. I keep thinking maybe I haven't tried hard enough to bring us closer together but I feel resentment (rightly or wrongly!) at the thought that I'd be the one putting in most of the work because his feelings are just "there" already! I feel jealous that I don't feel like that!

I sometimes think about what it would be like to come home to my own place and have the freedom to do whatever I like (within reason). When I pick DS up from nursery and come home it's always just the 2 of us until later on and it's so calming. Even though it would definitely be harder on my own, I think I'd also be more relaxed about things. Maybe! Obviously no way of knowing for sure unless it happened!

So yes now said he wants own pip (good means the bills come out of housekeeping I’ll keep my pip as well and use it for my future) yes it can pay for his weed baccy I will no longer fund it once it’s in, in a fortnight. He’ll soon realise how little he has left good luck with that. What he spends before then I’ll put in leaving funds.

@treasure47 DD just turned 10. She has definitely picked up on things, especially in Nov and Dec which is exactly what we tried to shield her from.
He's been working away a lot recently and she told me she likes it when it's just me and her at home. How sad is that 😞

[quote donesomethingterrible]@treasure47 DD just turned 10. She has definitely picked up on things, especially in Nov and Dec which is exactly what we tried to shield her from.
He's been working away a lot recently and she told me she likes it when it's just me and her at home. How sad is that 😞[/quote]
That is really sad ☹️
Do you worry that if you separated she wouldn't want to spend time with her dad and then you'd feel guilty? I feel like that sometimes. My DS is completely in the mummy's boy stage and sometimes doesn't want to go near DH but I know it's just his age. It just makes what's going on worse because then I feel guilty as if that's my fault.

I just can't shake this feeling that we're just different people now. I don't feel like I'd be happy in this forever anymore. I'm going to try to be brave and speak to a solicitor next week (because even that is scaring me!) just to find out what my options are because I'm finding it hard to see what life would be like as a single mum and not living in this house etc.

@treasure47

Do you think your DS is picking up negative examples, even if you are not actually having rows in front of him? That’s my worry, DH and I don’t have many arguments, and we have pleasant family meals where we sit happily and chat with the kids etc but they never have witnessed DH and I being affectionate with each other or about each other , certainly never see us kissing and cuddling as we never do (we haven’t kissed in years and years) and I think deep down that is giving them the wrong impression, but maybe I’m clutching at straws looking for excuses to justify my thoughts of destroying my family

For those who told their spouses ages ago how unhappy they were, but are still together, did you feel better or worse once you actually told them, rather than keeping it bottled up? Or did you just go back to bottling it up after a while, and they conveniently ‘forget’ what you’d told them about how you feel?

@FingerBubble I told my DH I was unhappy on 10th Nov 2019. We went to counselling the following week where I was planning to make it clear I wanted to find a way to separate as amicably as possible, but it didn't quite go to plan. The next day though I did make it clear to him that we would never ever have a physical relationship again (8 years without sex at that point) and that I didn't have any of those feelings for him. And here we are more than three very uncomfortable years later. It's like I opened a can of worms which occasionally blows up into arguments, but mostly gets brushed under the carpet. So, in one way I'm glad I said it, but in another way it's just caused a horrible atmosphere and resentment. So if you're going to do this, I would say do it and be firm and follow through with actions quickly. I that DH is content to rumble on and pretend I never said a word. Don't do it this way

@19Bears in what way did counselling not go to plan, if you don’t mind me asking?

I think DH wants to go to counselling, and I will because I feel I have to be seen to try, but I know what he’ll say - he’ll acknowledge my unhappiness but blame it on the demands of the kids, our jobs, that’s he’s not been attentive enough etc (he’ll probably suggest I go for a spa day, in classic mumsnet style!)

I guess it’s one thing saying “I’m unhappy” which I have said, and another thing to say “I’m unhappy because I don’t love you” I’m Not sure I’m brave enough for that (which is how I ended up in this mess in the first place, by not saying that ten years ago)

[quote FingerBubble]@treasure47

Do you think your DS is picking up negative examples, even if you are not actually having rows in front of him? That’s my worry, DH and I don’t have many arguments, and we have pleasant family meals where we sit happily and chat with the kids etc but they never have witnessed DH and I being affectionate with each other or about each other , certainly never see us kissing and cuddling as we never do (we haven’t kissed in years and years) and I think deep down that is giving them the wrong impression, but maybe I’m clutching at straws looking for excuses to justify my thoughts of destroying my family

For those who told their spouses ages ago how unhappy they were, but are still together, did you feel better or worse once you actually told them, rather than keeping it bottled up? Or did you just go back to bottling it up after a while, and they conveniently ‘forget’ what you’d told them about how you feel?[/quote]
Yes I definitely worry about it that. I'm very affectionate with DS but not at all with DH (although he'd like to be) and I worry that DS isn't seeing what a real loving (from both sides) relationship is like.

I seemed to go through the same cycle of emotions when I told him. Relief initially, the next day I’d be upset and wonder whether I’d done the right thing (I think this was the fear of the unknown kicking in), then a couple of days later he would start behaving as though nothing had happened, planning for the future, trying to kiss me etc, which led me to be confused and frustrated that my feelings didn’t seem to matter. Then I’d go back to feeling rubbish, knowing it was over, and knowing I’d have to have the conversation all over again. It wasn’t until the 4th time we spoke about it that it seemed to sink in with him, and that time I was probably more direct in saying this cycle can’t keep going on, and we need to accept where we are now. I didn’t get the upset and doubting feeling the next day this time - just relief. I do still have times when I feel sad as this isn’t the outcome I wanted when I used to think about our future together. I’d much rather have those feelings for him and keep our family together but sadly I don’t and I know there’s the potential for us to be happier apart in the long run. I hope!

@HoneyDaze

I seemed to go through the same cycle of emotions when I told him. Relief initially, the next day I’d be upset and wonder whether I’d done the right thing (I think this was the fear of the unknown kicking in), then a couple of days later he would start behaving as though nothing had happened, planning for the future, trying to kiss me etc, which led me to be confused and frustrated that my feelings didn’t seem to matter. Then I’d go back to feeling rubbish, knowing it was over, and knowing I’d have to have the conversation all over again. It wasn’t until the 4th time we spoke about it that it seemed to sink in with him, and that time I was probably more direct in saying this cycle can’t keep going on, and we need to accept where we are now. I didn’t get the upset and doubting feeling the next day this time - just relief. I do still have times when I feel sad as this isn’t the outcome I wanted when I used to think about our future together. I’d much rather have those feelings for him and keep our family together but sadly I don’t and I know there’s the potential for us to be happier apart in the long run. I hope!

I feel such guilt, like I've ruined our family because I can't feel what I should feel. I think about what life could be like in 10 years time and I worry that I'll be at the same point but feel more stuck. I think I could stay and be "okay", but I'm not sure how I'd do with the intimacy thing. It makes me a bit anxious tbh because I just don't want it at all with him but I know he does. Part of me wishes I could go back to the way I used to feel because I do feel so so sad at the idea of breaking up a family. But I want us to be happy and we're just not at the moment. And it's all because I can't feel a certain way.

It’s so hard @treasure47, because we really can’t help how we feel. If only we had control over it! It has taken me quite a long time to get to the point where I accept that this isn’t an awful thing that I am doing. It’s not in my control. It’s a thing that’s happening to US. And we just need to deal with that in the best way we can. I spent more than two years going backwards and forwards but ultimately I know the feelings aren’t going to come back and it’s just not fair on him for me to pretend otherwise or force anything. He deserves to have someone who feels the way he wants me to feel, and the longer I have stalled the longer I’ve held him back from finding that. So this time I felt like I had to be really strong and stuck with it.

It’s not all about him obviously- I want to be happy as well! But I really do now see it from that point of view as well whereas before I just thought I was a terrible person who was about to blow a family apart.

I think thought of how it will affect the DCs can be worse than the reality too. I’m so aware that we aren’t showing them what a true, loving relationship should be like as well. So it has to be balanced with that.

I feel like I probably needed to go through the last couple of years to get myself to this point mentally, and I’m much more comfortable with the fact that this is the right thing to do now, but I do wish I’d done it straight away as well now that I’m looking back and nothing has changed in how I feel. I can’t imagine carrying on like this and still feeling the same in a few years - what could have happened in that time if I’d gone ahead - for either of us?