How did you know you weren't in love anymore?

[treasure47]

My husband and I have recently separated but still living together. Getting along actually better than before we (I) made the decision but it's confusing because I find myself thinking "do I really want to separate? Things aren't that bad".
But I have no desire to be intimate or affectionate with him, I'd have to force that, it doesn't come naturally to me anymore. I also don't particularly look forward to him coming home or spending time with him, we have different interests now. I'm sure I just love him as a family member or friend.
How did you know you didn't have those feelings anymore?

Trying to stick to my decision (after over a year of turmoil and going around in circles) and not just think it's easier to stay for the sake of DS.

@HoneyDaze

It’s so hard *@treasure47*, because we really can’t help how we feel. If only we had control over it! It has taken me quite a long time to get to the point where I accept that this isn’t an awful thing that I am doing. It’s not in my control. It’s a thing that’s happening to US. And we just need to deal with that in the best way we can. I spent more than two years going backwards and forwards but ultimately I know the feelings aren’t going to come back and it’s just not fair on him for me to pretend otherwise or force anything. He deserves to have someone who feels the way he wants me to feel, and the longer I have stalled the longer I’ve held him back from finding that. So this time I felt like I had to be really strong and stuck with it.

It’s not all about him obviously- I want to be happy as well! But I really do now see it from that point of view as well whereas before I just thought I was a terrible person who was about to blow a family apart.

I think thought of how it will affect the DCs can be worse than the reality too. I’m so aware that we aren’t showing them what a true, loving relationship should be like as well. So it has to be balanced with that.

I feel like I probably needed to go through the last couple of years to get myself to this point mentally, and I’m much more comfortable with the fact that this is the right thing to do now, but I do wish I’d done it straight away as well now that I’m looking back and nothing has changed in how I feel. I can’t imagine carrying on like this and still feeling the same in a few years - what could have happened in that time if I’d gone ahead - for either of us?

I keep thinking about how much time I'm possibly wasting too! I think in my head I need to feel like I'd be okay on my own and that does scare me, although kind of excites me too. I think as long as I was okay financially I could be happy eventually. I feel sad at what I'd be losing (possibly not being able to give DS a sibling for example) but I also feel like we both deserve happiness too. I think because we've been getting on a bit better it's giving DH hope. But from my side, I don't hate him at all, I still care for him, I just don't feel like I want to be with him in that way anymore. He keeps saying that we'd never just be friends which makes me really sad (and also makes me want to stay) but I suppose I just have to accept that. He's all I've ever known and we've been together for so long it does feel like I've just outgrown the relationship in a way. Hardly anyone stays with the same person their whole lives these days. I think I should have considered that more before I got married but I really desperately wanted a child. I used to feel like there was something missing in my life and I just felt like that's what I needed to do. Obviously I'm so glad I did but I just wish things hadn't gone this way. I definitely feel that I'm being selfish but I think the way you put it makes a lot of sense. To allow him to meet someone else who feels the same way about him is an act of love, really.

He's gone out this afternoon and will be away until this evening and it feels so much more relaxed in the house now.
How many DC do you have @HoneyDaze and have you spoken to them about it? I feel sad at the time I wouldn't see DS having joint custody.

I've been really knocked for six by this thread. It's been incredibly helpful, but that is confronting.

The realisation that there is nothing that my husband can do to make this better has really hit me.

I don't want to have another Christmas like last year's. I exaggerated my covid symptoms to cancel my parents coming because I just couldn't pretend things are fine for three days. That was bad of me, a real low point. They were fine about it, but, I don't want to be that person, i get on with my parents!

I need to make some money and take it from there. 9 months to Christmas. I can do as much overtime as I can and sort some savings. Then see what happens.

Ugh.

Hi, just reading through all the responses and really wanted to share my story.
I was in this situation almost a year ago. I had been in that horrible limbo for a couple of years beforehand and had read the Too good to Leave book, hoping it would help me decide.
Then we had an argument last April and it was the last straw for me and I told him I wanted to separate. He was shocked and apparently didn't see it coming and to be honest I did not expect that I would end it so abruptly either, I thought it would probably take another couple of years.
But obviously I had gotten to a stage where I was exhausted, miserable, numb and had no try left in me anymore. In some ways the argument proved to be a way to get out of the relationship.
He is a good person at heart but has so many issues to deal with and I just fell out of love gradually. My son was almost 4 at the time and he has Autism so he wasn't really aware of anything and didn't understand what separation is etc. My ex wanted to try and go to counselling but I told him I just had nothing left and didn't want to. I also had to tell him I didn't feel that way about him anymore which was awful.
My mum had also hindered me without meaning to as when I told her I was unhappy, she would say stuff like think of the good things about him and marriage is hard etc. But she wasn't living my daily life and didn't know what I was dealing with.
There was no domestic abuse, he was just depressed, stingy, paranoid, secretive and had an alcohol problem but deep down a good person.

Some of the things that made me realise I didn't love him that way anymore are when I was invited to my niece's wedding and didn't want him to come with me as I knew I would have a better time if I went alone. If he said he was going to his mums for a couple of hours, I would be glad and loved getting the house to myself. If he said he wouldn't be home for lunch, I was glad.
I wrote down a list of all the bad things about the relationship and the things about him that I didn't like and it covered 2 A4 pages back and front. Then I wrote what I did like about him and the relationship and there was honestly about 3 things at a push that I could think of.
I definitely think I had the ick as well because I didn't want to have sex anymore and I remember I was going out with friends and was wearing heels and a new outfit and he said that I looked sexy and asked why I never dress like that for him. I got a weird feeling when he said that as I didn't want him looking at me like that and obviously didn't want him to find me sexy and also I had no desire to dress up or make an effort for him. I knew I shouldn't be feeling like that and that was a massive red flag.
He also constantly rubbed me up the wrong way without meaning to, and I found myself always in defence mode and on edge around him, just low level bickering all the time.
These are just some examples of my mind and body telling me that I wanted out and didn't want to be with him.
The thing is he is very traditional and also likes to portray that everything is going fine to the neighbours/family so he would have continued in a loveless/dead marriage just to save face. I would still be there now if I hadn't pulled the plug as there is no way he would have done it.

Anyway fast forward 10 months and I am so much happier and excited for the future. I moved out of the family home and stayed with my parents for 5 weeks and then I got a small rental flat close to my ex and my son's school. Not going to lie, it was very tough and I cried lots at the sadness of it all and also had a lot of guilt to deal with.
But I don't miss him, I don't think about him, the thought of going back is unthinkable, I just love being on my own, no bad atmosphere and no wondering what mood he is going to be in or if he is going to drink again tonight.
I know I have made the right decision and this is permanent as I have no desire to go back. Actually there are times when he still winds me up or he will pick up our son and be in a bad mood. I just say bye and close the door as I don't have to deal with him anymore. I also love not hearing from him as when we were together, he was always ringing and texting.
It def hasn't been easy, I work part time and get UC and my son stays a few nights a week with his dad. I have met someone that I like and am hoping we will go on a date but it is just so lovely having those butterflies again when I see someone. I am so excited to date and I just love being single as well.
I also think I have done my ex a favour as I have released him from the misery as there is no way he could have been happy either.
Sorry for the essay but I really felt compelled to write about it all as I was all of you a year ago. I really don't think you will regret leaving, you will be so glad you did .

Thank you, @Helen812. That's really good to read.

Good for you.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria you're welcome and thank you.

I've always thought my husband was autistic. I'm in a couple of FB groups and someone posted about covert narcissism.

It's a bit familiar.

www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587

Also I forgot to add that I am 41 and we had been together for 9 years. I would have liked another child but couldn't face having another child with him and being more stuck. He did want to try for another one but I knew I didn't.
The fact I was willing to give up on having another child just to be away from him was quite telling.
I have now made peace with the fact that I may not have another child and I am OK with that.

@Helen812

I’m really glad you shared your story, great that you are feeling happier

I was nodding along to so much of your story - the bit about not wanting him to find you sexy, which is a very odd feeling to have about your husband, but I totally get it and have never acknowledged it before. I hate him even seeing me naked. Also your mum inadvertently making you feel more trapped (I know that is how my mum will respond, meant with love but still ) also the bit about him being traditional and wanting to saving face

This thread is my lifeline at the moment

@FingerBubble thank you, yes it felt so weird realising that I didn't want my husband to find me sexy. I also used to cover myself up when I was getting dressed and he would walk in. Then he would ask why am I covering myself up, that I am his wife. Even hearing him say that I was his wife made me cringe.
Also I never took his surname and I hardly ever bothered to wear my ring which subconsciously probably meant my heart just wasn't in it.

So much of this resonates. Ive posted before. I left DH last Feb after 23 years for another man who had been my best friend for years. My husband was selfish, had MH issues and an explosive temper and I had stopped loving him years before, i had a lovely home, lots of friends and a successful well paid career.

It all went wrong with the other man when he had to return home due to his wife seriously neglecting his teenagers , she had been violent and trumped up Dv charges against him. We are still in touch but I think its over even though we love each other very much.
I’m debating returning to DH. I didn’t leave to be on my own and we get along day to day, but I can’t imagine ever sleeping with him again. But I’m not interested in dating, i miss my house and I’m spending a fortune on rent and bills for 2 homes. It feels like its doomed before we start, but i just feel totally beaten down and stuck. I don’t need to do it financially, we’ve no dependent kids and so on paper no reason to.
I used to be a bubbly life loving person but all of this has just broken me.

Wow thank you @Helen812 for sharing your story - very hopeful!
I could relate to a lot. Particularly the bit about not wanting him to look at you a certain way. I find that too. It usually just makes me feel a bit uncomfortable- when it shouldn't do at all because he's my husband. Also the writing lists of good and bad points - sometimes I struggle to pinpoint what I like about him, even though he's not a bad person. He's not abusive or anything like that and although has his faults, he's a good person. But I feel like I should be able to list significant things I like about someone I'm married to.
I'm really glad you're much happier now and that it worked out the best for you.

[quote Helen812]@FingerBubble thank you, yes it felt so weird realising that I didn't want my husband to find me sexy. I also used to cover myself up when I was getting dressed and he would walk in. Then he would ask why am I covering myself up, that I am his wife. Even hearing him say that I was his wife made me cringe.
Also I never took his surname and I hardly ever bothered to wear my ring which subconsciously probably meant my heart just wasn't in it.[/quote]
I definitely get the cringe thing. The other day I was upset about something and he said how he wished we could lay and cuddle on the bed with my head on his chest like we used to. I found myself cringing just hearing him saying that!

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria has sunmarised it all

"Temporary anguish or permanent pain.

Shit.

Nothing he can do will fix it.

Shit.

These truths have done something to me."

That's it. I can't unread what I've read on this thread. I have to end this marriage. God knows how. What a nightmare.

@treasure47 thank you and hope my story helped a bit. Its crazy to think we are all feeling the same. I think there are so many couples that must be like this but just plod on. I have come to realise that some relationships just aren't meant to last forever and that's OK. I would never marry again as I don't believe in marriage anymore and I don't think I would want to live with a man again. But I definitely like the idea of having a boyfriend and staying over etc.

@treasure47 yes totally agree. I felt I never even wanted to hug him or sit near him anymore. Then I thought surely the sexual part of me isn't dead, it's just dormant because I don't want to be with him.

I have read this thread with great interest, so many of the comments resonate with me.

I told my DH he had a year to change and sort himself out in February 2019, he hasn't done anything about it at all,if anything he is even more entrenched in his ways.

I had an affair with a work colleague, it didn't end well, I told him about it and offered to leave, he asked me not to, to stay with him for companionship and that I could do what I wanted basically.

Fast forward three years down the line and I need to get out of this marriage now, I am so unhappy and hate coming home to him.

We have been married 23 years this year, haven't had an intimate relationship in I don't know how many years. He has slept on the sofa for at least the last 17 years.

The children are grown up, 22 and 18, one not living at home now.

I have been busy behind the scenes sorting finances and getting my ducks in a row, and I now need to have the conversation.

How do I start that conversation though? I feel bad but I have to do this for me, I cannot stay like this, it's not fair on either of us.

@Helen812

Did you sort the practicalities before or after you told him definitively it was over?

I can imagine finding myself in a weird limbo where i insist it’s over and then DH just points out how the house, finances and kids mean nothing can be done, and I’ll find myself beaten (metaphorically) into submission by how overwhelming it all feels - am I really putting a bomb under my comfortable life because I feel empty inside ?

I know if I don’t leave now, I’ll leave when my youngest is an adult.

Solidarity to those finding themselves in the same boat

@FingerBubble No I had nothing sorted when I told him I wanted to separate because I told him this after an argument. I knew though that I could go to my parents until I sorted things out. Without them god only knows where I would have gone.
I did have a few hundred quid from selling stuff on ebay which I kept aside for a months rent deposit. My brother very kindly gave me a few hundred as well which I used as the first month's rent.
I had a very supportive family and I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for them. I literally had nothing for my new flat. I applied for a grant and people gave me bits and pieces, there was already a fridge and washing machine in the flat so I didn't need to buy those. I applied for housing benefit and work part time and have been able to manage.
I never thought I would have survived financially on my own but I can and you can too.

[quote Helen812]@treasure47 thank you and hope my story helped a bit. Its crazy to think we are all feeling the same. I think there are so many couples that must be like this but just plod on. I have come to realise that some relationships just aren't meant to last forever and that's OK. I would never marry again as I don't believe in marriage anymore and I don't think I would want to live with a man again. But I definitely like the idea of having a boyfriend and staying over etc.[/quote]
I agree - I think there are probably a lot of couples who "plod on" because it's comfortable, and I do understand that. I think I could be okay enough in his company (although as harsh as it sounds, I do find him quite dull at times and crave my own company! Or others!) but I'm really not sure about the physical side of it. It wasn't really there in abundance anyway so I don't think it would be easy to "revive" it, and tbh I don't want to. I've realised how damaging it is to just go along with sex because I felt it was a duty, rather than something I actively want to do (sometimes it was like that but rarely). And I know that's not DH's fault because it's never something I actually said to him but I think deep down he does know it wasn't right because it was never "easy".

I'm pretty sure that if we didn't have DS it would be a no brainier! I'd just take the risk!

How are you managing financially? Are you okay or is it a struggle? Sorry if too personal a question, it's just something I'm concerned about.

I feel more relaxed this evening than I have in a LONG time. DH still out. DS was so fun and giggly all afternoon/evening. Bath and bedtime routine smooth sailing and no tantrums, went straight to sleep too. I've just been laid on the bed with a heated eye mask on for 30 mins and I feel so chilled out.

I'm under no illusion that DS being so easy this evening is a complete fluke but I'm grateful for the timing! 😅

@FingerBubble The counselling went wrong in terms of me not saying what I wanted to say, and him turning on the victim puppy eyes saying how miserable he was when I don't talk to him. I felt as if the counsellor took his side (after numerous sessions with me telling my story and her being in no doubt there was no marriage to save) and she kind of asked me to be kinder to him. I was furious with myself, and him, and her!!! So if you go to counselling, don't be swayed, stick to what you want to get out of it.
@Helen812 what an inspiring story. There is hope!

Ive spent part of this evening reading a thread that a few years ago would have been of no interest to me.

Been with DH 20 plus years.4 dc.
Quite different personalities, but very similar backgrounds and values etc.

When we were younger we would have big rows usually instigated by me.
But I also felt very loved in the relationship.

He would say sorry if he was wrong ,though tbf, things were never actually sorted.
He always said I looked nice and complimented me a lot.
I confess, I have perhaps neglected him and , perhaps withheld affection (and sex) if he pissed me off.

The past few years he has massively become less tolerant of me(guess I dont blame him). He very rarely says sorry to me even if hes at fault. This makes me resentful as now its almost as if I'm not worthy of an apology.
He can be mean one day and a day later talk as though nothing has happened a d not acknowledge it.
I will always say sorry if I'm wrong.

His compliments are less ,although I know i still look fine. I make a huge effort with how i look.
I feel like I irritate him.
He irritates me too - a lot.
I do love him and i wonder if I'm just being a mean hormonal bitch.
We do sometimes have good times and I feel bad and that I am going to make a huge effort and then he snaps at me or is rude and it kills it. Perhaps I should stop being so sensitive (his words).

We have sex still , though it's still good its sometimes infrequent. Mostly infrequent actually.
He thinks I dont make an effort(true) but it's because I'm mostly in a permanent state of annoyance.
I've told him multiple times I'm a bit sad with it all. He gets annoyed that I'm going on. About a week ago , we had a big row and he was like "I will leave then".

A few days of silent treatment from him and then he began speaking completely Normal to me. And so it begins again.

He never goes out, so he always there. Glued to the fucking telly
I have no break from him
I work different patterns so he has time.at home without me.
He does nothing to nurture our relationship.
We do not one thing on our own
The last time we had a meal out together was literally years ago.
Its no wonder we resent each other.
I also think I have the ick(but I think that could be erased if he was different) as the way he eats annoys me. He constantly farts and burps and is a telly addict .

Hes a killjoy. I muck about and have fun with the DC but when he's there he sucks the life out of me.
I feel better for saying this.
I want things to change but he honestly does not seem to care. He must be miserable too(he looks it)but would rather have a quiet life than face it.
What the fuck do I do?

Think most of Helens story is me

The more I read this thread the more I relate, I crave my time at night now more than ever we watch one programme a week on the tv together usually I play on iPad I watch most of my stuff in the bedroom.the thought now of a meal out makes my heart sink. I don’t want to hear stuff I’ve heard a thousand times before. I’ve got the ick hand hold at night I can cope with anything more no, quick hugs so he’s not suspicious (plans a foot) sex definitely not wasn’t bothered for years now I don’t care. No interested at all, trouble is his mental health I do feel guilty but the thought of years with this grumpiness etc no just no.

@Iusedtobecarmen

Ive spent part of this evening reading a thread that a few years ago would have been of no interest to me.

Been with DH 20 plus years.4 dc.
Quite different personalities, but very similar backgrounds and values etc.

When we were younger we would have big rows usually instigated by me.
But I also felt very loved in the relationship.

He would say sorry if he was wrong ,though tbf, things were never actually sorted.
He always said I looked nice and complimented me a lot.
I confess, I have perhaps neglected him and , perhaps withheld affection (and sex) if he pissed me off.

The past few years he has massively become less tolerant of me(guess I dont blame him). He very rarely says sorry to me even if hes at fault. This makes me resentful as now its almost as if I'm not worthy of an apology.
He can be mean one day and a day later talk as though nothing has happened a d not acknowledge it.
I will always say sorry if I'm wrong.

His compliments are less ,although I know i still look fine. I make a huge effort with how i look.
I feel like I irritate him.
He irritates me too - a lot.
I do love him and i wonder if I'm just being a mean hormonal bitch.
We do sometimes have good times and I feel bad and that I am going to make a huge effort and then he snaps at me or is rude and it kills it. Perhaps I should stop being so sensitive (his words).

We have sex still , though it's still good its sometimes infrequent. Mostly infrequent actually.
He thinks I dont make an effort(true) but it's because I'm mostly in a permanent state of annoyance.
I've told him multiple times I'm a bit sad with it all. He gets annoyed that I'm going on. About a week ago , we had a big row and he was like "I will leave then".

A few days of silent treatment from him and then he began speaking completely Normal to me. And so it begins again.

He never goes out, so he always there. Glued to the fucking telly
I have no break from him
I work different patterns so he has time.at home without me.
He does nothing to nurture our relationship.
We do not one thing on our own
The last time we had a meal out together was literally years ago.
Its no wonder we resent each other.
I also think I have the ick(but I think that could be erased if he was different) as the way he eats annoys me. He constantly farts and burps and is a telly addict .

Hes a killjoy. I muck about and have fun with the DC but when he's there he sucks the life out of me.
I feel better for saying this.
I want things to change but he honestly does not seem to care. He must be miserable too(he looks it)but would rather have a quiet life than face it.
What the fuck do I do?

This sounds difficult - I definitely understand the whole DH probably not being happy but wouldn't want to face it thing. My DH is kind of the same. I actually think he's quite scared about being alone/finding someone else so it's making him cling to us even more. He came home really down after his night out and said it was really boring and he feels so alone. I feel horrendous because I feel like it's all my fault and part of me gets annoyed at myself and just thinks I should just get on with it and stay and make myself happy, if that's possible 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like there's a lot of resentment between you and you maybe need to make time for each other. Although also sounds like you need a break from him too! That might help you figure out how you feel.