How did you know you weren't in love anymore?

[treasure47]

My husband and I have recently separated but still living together. Getting along actually better than before we (I) made the decision but it's confusing because I find myself thinking "do I really want to separate? Things aren't that bad".
But I have no desire to be intimate or affectionate with him, I'd have to force that, it doesn't come naturally to me anymore. I also don't particularly look forward to him coming home or spending time with him, we have different interests now. I'm sure I just love him as a family member or friend.
How did you know you didn't have those feelings anymore?

Trying to stick to my decision (after over a year of turmoil and going around in circles) and not just think it's easier to stay for the sake of DS.

@treasure47 I follow your posts and replies with great interest as we could be the same person with regards to our DH.
We are going around in circles ie stay together or separate. He doesn't want to separate and seems content to live in a sexless marriage with a woman he has openly admitted doesn't really fancy so much anymore. I got told yesterday he thinks I'm "cute". Not sure how to take that.

Don't get me wrong I feel the same way about him, I have no desire to be intimate with him and really quite like him working away. I don't particularly miss him and am looking forward to my holiday without him soon!

He is trying so hard to keep us together and our DD thrives when we're "happy". But that gut feeling is telling me there is more to a relationship than this 😞. I've only ever been with him sexually and I don't know if I can handle not experiencing that part of life for the rest of my days.

Well done for making the decision and actually going through with it. That's so difficult. I can't help thinking if we just split at least this "should we/shouldn't we" weight would be off my mind.

I think once you have an inkling you don't love them anymore, it's over sadly x

I would think long and hard about this. Sometimes it's so easy to throw in the towel ( not saying in your case) and not really work hard to get back on track if you have doubts. The grass isn't always greener. Maybe we all expect to much in marriages and when it's not all mills and boon we give up.

I think it's very normal to feel confused in that situation as still living together isn't giving you the headspace away from him.
Personally for me the big moment i realised i wasn't in love with both of my long term ex's anymore was simply to ask myself how i would feel upon splitting up and realising i wouldn't be devastated, lost etc. Yes i'd be a little upset after spending years building a life together with somebody but if i truly loved them still the idea of not being together should be more gut-wrenching than the way i felt and that was when i realised i wasn't in love with them anymore.

I appreciate it isn't that simple for everybody but that has been my experience.

[quote donesomethingterrible]@treasure47 I follow your posts and replies with great interest as we could be the same person with regards to our DH.
We are going around in circles ie stay together or separate. He doesn't want to separate and seems content to live in a sexless marriage with a woman he has openly admitted doesn't really fancy so much anymore. I got told yesterday he thinks I'm "cute". Not sure how to take that.

Don't get me wrong I feel the same way about him, I have no desire to be intimate with him and really quite like him working away. I don't particularly miss him and am looking forward to my holiday without him soon!

He is trying so hard to keep us together and our DD thrives when we're "happy". But that gut feeling is telling me there is more to a relationship than this 😞. I've only ever been with him sexually and I don't know if I can handle not experiencing that part of life for the rest of my days.

Well done for making the decision and actually going through with it. That's so difficult. I can't help thinking if we just split at least this "should we/shouldn't we" weight would be off my mind.

I think once you have an inkling you don't love them anymore, it's over sadly x[/quote]
It's tough isn't it!
My situation is a bit different in that my husband is still attracted to me and happy with me, but I don't feel the same. I've never really felt that sexual spark with him (although I have been affectionate in a more cuddly/kissy way) and sex with him hasn't always gone that well. Sometimes it did and it was good but a lot of the time I just wasn't in to it and I always thought that was just the way I was!
I've changed and grown a lot over the past 2/3 years having a child etc and I've recently found myself feeling sexual attraction for other men (obviously haven't acted on anything!) but I'd never had that before so it's like something has changed in me! My husband is the only person I've been with sexually too and part of me thinks am I missing out on that sort of connection? It could be exactly the same with someone else though, I guess there's no way to know for sure unless that happens!
There's more to it than that, we don't have any common interests really apart from DS and I'd probably choose to spend time with other people (or alone) over spending time with him.
I feel like I want to get to know who I am without him because I don't know! Terrible timing though as we have a young child so I'm constantly beating myself up about that.
The past year has been awful because I've tried not to force myself to be a certain way with him but it's obviously hurting him and affecting his self esteem too, so things came to a bit of a head a few days ago. He knows things aren't good but didn't want to separate - he wants me to be happy with him, and he gets angry (and upset) that I'm not.
It is sad because we've been a part of each other's lives for so long but I think there's potential for us both to be happier in the long run.
I don't want to have to put on an act to make things work, I don't think it's fair on either of us.

Having children makes things so much harder. But you're right, they do thrive when their parents are happy. I've noticed that a lot as we've both been up and down and DS definitely picks up on our moods.

If you can think of him having a relationship with another woman without feeling a hint of hurt or jealousy then I'd say it's well and truly over.

As above. The test for me was thinking about him being intimate with someone else. Another woman. Kissing her, having sex with her. It didnt bother me when once upon a time the very thought would make me nauseous
That's how I knew. Coupled with never really wanting to do anything with him, I was glad when he was away.

You mean you've got the ick? It's usually irreversible.

I couldn't live a life with someone and not have sexual attraction, personally. But everyone's different.

Sometimes I go off sex or dh is particularly getting on my nerves but it's short-lived and I never doubt the fact that I love him and don't want to be with anyone else. My life is definitely better with him around.

You have to decide whether you want to live in a sexless/loveless marriage I guess?

@Tulipsandviolets

I would think long and hard about this. Sometimes it's so easy to throw in the towel ( not saying in your case) and not really work hard to get back on track if you have doubts. The grass isn't always greener. Maybe we all expect to much in marriages and when it's not all mills and boon we give up.

Yes that's true, and I always worry that I haven't tried hard enough. And yeah there is always that fear that I could regret the decision over time.

@Straightupp

I think it's very normal to feel confused in that situation as still living together isn't giving you the headspace away from him. Personally for me the big moment i realised i wasn't in love with both of my long term ex's anymore was simply to ask myself how i would feel upon splitting up and realising i wouldn't be devastated, lost etc. Yes i'd be a little upset after spending years building a life together with somebody but if i truly loved them still the idea of not being together should be more gut-wrenching than the way i felt and that was when i realised i wasn't in love with them anymore.

I appreciate it isn't that simple for everybody but that has been my experience.

Yeah the living together is a bit confusing. I think in an ideal world we'd both feel the same and agree to separate and still be friends for DS' sake. Although I know that probably never actually happens IRL! When I think about breaking up, I feel sad for DS, that the "family unit" won't be together, and for DH that I'm taking that away from him too. I also feel sad that I'd lose a lot financially, and our home etc but thinking about losing him doesn't necessarily make me sad, no.

@Playplayaway

If you can think of him having a relationship with another woman without feeling a hint of hurt or jealousy then I'd say it's well and truly over.

I have definitely thought about that and I remember a few years ago I'd hate the idea, I'd feel jealous etc whereas I don't now. I feel like I'd want him to find someone who makes him happy.

My divorce has literally been granted this morning and it still enrages me to think of my ex with his girlfriend. (in this case, I am sure divorce was the right thing - but still the feelings are complicated)

@Sonaftersonafterson

As above. The test for me was thinking about him being intimate with someone else. Another woman. Kissing her, having sex with her. It didnt bother me when once upon a time the very thought would make me nauseous That's how I knew. Coupled with never really wanting to do anything with him, I was glad when he was away.

Yes, same! Whenever we have free time I usually would choose to spend it alone as I have so little time to myself. I went out for drinks with friends a few weeks ago and DH said afterwards that he'd love to go for drinks with me, and the idea just didn't appeal to me at all. In fact, we never did that, just went out the 2 of us (apart from going out for a meal, but never just a night for drinks, very rarely anyway) it was always with a group and it suddenly made me think that it would feel awkward and like we'd have nothing to talk about 😕

@bluepeacock

You mean you've got the ick? It's usually irreversible.

I couldn't live a life with someone and not have sexual attraction, personally. But everyone's different.

Sometimes I go off sex or dh is particularly getting on my nerves but it's short-lived and I never doubt the fact that I love him and don't want to be with anyone else. My life is definitely better with him around.

You have to decide whether you want to live in a sexless/loveless marriage I guess?

Yes, the ick!

Tbh I think I've had it for a while but haven't known it was that. It's hard to tell when you have nothing else to compare to!
I remember thinking at different points throughout our relationship that I could happily go without sex, and just cuddle instead 😅 I mainly just did it for him, and I knew he would have always wanted it more often. He never put pressure on me but I always used to feel a bit panicky if we hadn't done it for a while because it didn't seem "normal".
I used to always think it was just me but I think it's probably just that we're not a great match in that area. Tricky though because there's obviously only one way to test that theory and it requires a huge life change first (separating).
I'd love to feel that passion for one another. I can't help but feel like I'm missing out, and I'm realising that's what makes a romantic relationship different to any other relationship.

@gelatodipistacchio

My divorce has literally been granted this morning and it still enrages me to think of my ex with his girlfriend. (in this case, I am sure divorce was the right thing - but still the feelings are complicated)

Sounds like it wasn't your decision to divorce? That must be tough

Sounds like situation. Perfectly happy domestic arrangement with 2 kids but we are just friends. Good friends with common interests.

My parents divorced when I was 7 and I absolutely hated it. As did my sisters. I would have wanted my parents to stay together rather than have to live that horrible split life in two houses. I know this isn't the fashionable view on mumsnet. But it's how I feel.

So, for now, I'm inclined to stick it out for another decade. The kids are happy and that matters a lot to me.

Sorry if I've missed this in previous posts but have you tried relationship counselling? Maybe it would help?

@treasure47

It was my decision. My ex was emotional and financially abusive. However, I altered my entire life for him and now cannot return to my home country due to having children with him. He has ruined my life. All I ever wanted was a kind husband and I really, really wanted the relationship to work.

That was a bit muddled. I truly loved him and it has been very difficult to accept that he is incapable of treating me kindly.

@treasure47 I too feel like I have changed as a person massively.
I have found I'm looking at men and feeling attracted to them more in recent years than ever. I wouldn't have dreamt of looking at anyone else for the first 15 years of our relationship as he was all I wanted.

Unlike you I am ashamed to say I very stupidly did act on something a while back. I was absolutely giddy on something that had built up over a couple of months (not instigated by me but I know that doesn't make it right). I don't think I have EVER experienced anything like it, must have been hormones. I was like a love struck teenager.
Needless to say all it did was confirm I don't have those feelings for DH. And it also left me ashamed, guilty and desperate for a man I can't have.

With regards thinking of him with another woman, the thought would have made me ill years ago. I even hated him going out in case he talked to girls! I literally couldn't care less these days.

@SauvignonGrower

Sounds like situation. Perfectly happy domestic arrangement with 2 kids but we are just friends. Good friends with common interests.

My parents divorced when I was 7 and I absolutely hated it. As did my sisters. I would have wanted my parents to stay together rather than have to live that horrible split life in two houses. I know this isn't the fashionable view on mumsnet. But it's how I feel.

So, for now, I'm inclined to stick it out for another decade. The kids are happy and that matters a lot to me.

I can understand that. At least you have the good friendship and common interests. I think that can make up for a lacking in other areas.

@TyrannosaurusRegina

Sorry if I've missed this in previous posts but have you tried relationship counselling? Maybe it would help?

No, I brought it up but tbh neither of us like the idea of it.

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@treasure47

It was my decision. My ex was emotional and financially abusive. However, I altered my entire life for him and now cannot return to my home country due to having children with him. He has ruined my life. All I ever wanted was a kind husband and I really, really wanted the relationship to work.[/quote]
Oh I'm so sorry, that sounds so tough. Hopefully things will get better for you in time. Sounds like it was the right decision.

There have been many moments. But I think the one that sticks in my mind was on the night of the EU Referendum, he voted leave, I voted remain, and he cheered so loudly and literally jumped around the living room when the first results came in. It was my own area too, and I felt so let down. It might be silly to let politics get in the way of a relationship, but it was already on a slippery slope, and the Farage fanboy behaviour was the last straw.
Also, I saw a chat between him and a girl on his phone, and felt total elation. Total elation that I'd never felt before. This was my way out! But I don't think anything ever came of it, and I'm really disappointed.
I love it when he's away for a few days, and dread him coming home. All of that adds up to a pretty negative conclusion I'd say! I'm following you in solidarity too @treasure47 x

@treasure47 thanks. But my point is that rules like this about when you might be ready to end a relationship are a bit fatuous.