How did you know you weren't in love anymore?

[treasure47]

My husband and I have recently separated but still living together. Getting along actually better than before we (I) made the decision but it's confusing because I find myself thinking "do I really want to separate? Things aren't that bad".
But I have no desire to be intimate or affectionate with him, I'd have to force that, it doesn't come naturally to me anymore. I also don't particularly look forward to him coming home or spending time with him, we have different interests now. I'm sure I just love him as a family member or friend.
How did you know you didn't have those feelings anymore?

Trying to stick to my decision (after over a year of turmoil and going around in circles) and not just think it's easier to stay for the sake of DS.

I realised that my marriage had died when I was a bit jealous of my friend who's husband was suddenly unwell and in ITU. He, thankfully, recovered...but, I realised that I was not upset at the thought of being widowed. Which was a bit confronting.

I'm trying to work it out and make it better, but it's an effort. Really, the relationship is only good for donating the good bits of it to benefit other people now.

Like, the kids. It's not an unhappy house - we just live very separate lives. the kids are getting older and seem happy enough. Is that better than them having to deal with the upset and drama of us splitting up?

Don't know. I do know that if I was suddenly single

As you know from the other thread, I am in exactly the same boat. I have been having terrible doubts since I told him I want to separate, but the one thing I am sure about is that I definitely don't want to have sex with him again. I can't put myself through that again, it felt like I was forcing myself to perform (which I was) and I could tell (because you clearly can) that he wasn't actually into it either. I do love him, but as a friend and not a lover. I just don't think you can come back from that.

[quote donesomethingterrible]@treasure47 I too feel like I have changed as a person massively.
I have found I'm looking at men and feeling attracted to them more in recent years than ever. I wouldn't have dreamt of looking at anyone else for the first 15 years of our relationship as he was all I wanted.

Unlike you I am ashamed to say I very stupidly did act on something a while back. I was absolutely giddy on something that had built up over a couple of months (not instigated by me but I know that doesn't make it right). I don't think I have EVER experienced anything like it, must have been hormones. I was like a love struck teenager.
Needless to say all it did was confirm I don't have those feelings for DH. And it also left me ashamed, guilty and desperate for a man I can't have. [/quote]
I had the odd attraction to people over the years (pretty normal I think), but I very quickly forgot about them or realised there was something about them I didn't like. Basically I realised I had someone better at home! I could never imagine thinking of someone else sexually because it sort of terrified me a bit!
Recently, I think because I've grown a lot in confidence (although still not the most confident person), I feel like I can "connect" with people better or something. There have been a few times I've felt that, and the idea of being intimate with someone else although still scary, isn't this huge terrifying thing that it used to be and I find that I wonder more about what it could be like/how it would be different.
It seems as if I've grown more confident and he's gone the opposite way. We're the same age but sometimes it feels like I'm with someone much older. I think taking on a more stressful job and becoming a parent has made him more serious.

Did you tell your husband about what happened?

I think if we were both much older I'd probably settle for feeling like this after a long marriage but we're both still early 30s and I kind of feel old before my time!

I am nodding so hard along to this.

@19Bears

There have been many moments. But I think the one that sticks in my mind was on the night of the EU Referendum, he voted leave, I voted remain, and he cheered so loudly and literally jumped around the living room when the first results came in. It was my own area too, and I felt so let down. It might be silly to let politics get in the way of a relationship, but it was already on a slippery slope, and the Farage fanboy behaviour was the last straw. Also, I saw a chat between him and a girl on his phone, and felt total elation. Total elation that I'd never felt before. This was my way out! But I don't think anything ever came of it, and I'm really disappointed. I love it when he's away for a few days, and dread him coming home. All of that adds up to a pretty negative conclusion I'd say! I'm following you in solidarity too *@treasure47* x

Thank you! I guess the political issue just showed your difference in opinions/values which is a big thing. I always used to enjoy time to myself but since having a child that's obviously a lot less now so I think I notice it more. He works a lot too so I'm on my own with DS a lot (I know he can't help that though) and sometimes doesn't feel like a family as such. I wouldn't mind that if I had a nice warm feeling knowing he was coming home etc but I don't. The "way out" thing would definitely make things easier although wouldn't be a nice way to end things with kids I don't think. Sometimes I have found myself picking faults with him and I think it's my way of justifying the way I feel, which isn't good. He's not a bad person.

[quote vivariumvivariumsvivaria]I realised that my marriage had died when I was a bit jealous of my friend who's husband was suddenly unwell and in ITU. He, thankfully, recovered...but, I realised that I was not upset at the thought of being widowed. Which was a bit confronting.

I'm trying to work it out and make it better, but it's an effort. Really, the relationship is only good for donating the good bits of it to benefit other people now.

Like, the kids. It's not an unhappy house - we just live very separate lives. the kids are getting older and seem happy enough. Is that better than them having to deal with the upset and drama of us splitting up?

Don't know. I do know that if I was suddenly single

@horseyhorsey17

As you know from the other thread, I am in exactly the same boat. I have been having terrible doubts since I told him I want to separate, but the one thing I am sure about is that I definitely don't want to have sex with him again. I can't put myself through that again, it felt like I was forcing myself to perform (which I was) and I could tell (because you clearly can) that he wasn't actually into it either. I do love him, but as a friend and not a lover. I just don't think you can come back from that.

I feel like that's where I'm at too. I don't want to force myself anymore, and I can't imagine myself actually wanting to be like that with him again. I feel like my dilemma is, either I start listening to my doubts and act on them or do what I've always done to some extent and push them down. This all came as a huge shock to DH initially because he thought I was really happy with him, and there were no issues. And that's partly my fault for not being true to myself (although difficult to tell someone you're not into them sexually!). I actually remember him asking me years ago whether I was in love with him and feeling this sinking in my stomach because I wasn't sure if I was, but I didn't want to feel like that so I said I was. I think sometimes people don't actually want to believe they're unhappy, so they just... choose not to believe it. If that makes sense. Can you tell I've done a lot of soul searching this past year? 😅

Your situation sounds easier in a way in that your husband is in agreement, somewhat. Still very sad and difficult to navigate though.

I have just finished the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay". I found it helpful and clarified my position. That said, it still leaves me knowing for certain that I would be happier if I left but DW adamant she will not be and her life will be ruined for ever (we are 50s). I think if she read it too it might help her but she absolutely will not.

I've posted elsewhere about our mutually toxic behaviours, that as I have finally grown up how I have realised the bad I have done. Yet DW still maintains we can change, find a love we have never had.

Yesterday she hid her phone from me when something popped up. If it was another man I'd be OK, I'd be pleased. That says it all.

Right now we have moved past a horrible period to one of super polite but reserved housemates. DW seems to want to do everything for me and will say "I love you" but we don't talk beyond that much at all apart from trivia and necessity. We sleep in the same bed again but avoid nudity.

As the last two months were often talking about my faults with the occasional explosion it is at least somewhat peaceful. I couldn't bear it for the rest of my life and I think it won't last but I feel guilt about hurting her and shattering her anticipated life and a strange dissociated inertia to make a change. Spending every evening slumped in front of the TV and over eating will perhaps at least finish me off before too long.

@horseyhorsey17

I am nodding so hard along to this.

I'm glad you can relate!

Something that massively made me feel doubtful was that I spoke to my mum earlier and she was going on about how I'd struggle financially and I really need to think about that because I'm very lucky and comfortable financially now (it's true, I am very lucky in that way) and it almost made me feel like she was steering me in one direction. Like my actual happiness didn't matter. I think about the logistics and financial side of things a lot, and have done a lot of research into it. It's overwhelming and not something I've brushed over or haven't thought about.
Towards the end of the conversation she was more supportive and I think she's speaking from experience as she was a single mum for a long time and struggled financially so I guess doesn't want that for me. She said she'd have loved a stable comfortable living situation like I have now and she probably thinks I'm being silly to throw that all away.

So much of it what OP and other posters have said resonates with me. I’m just starting to admit to myself that I’ve been living a lie for years and years. It’s so hard. DH knows I’m unhappy but has no idea of the extent of it, it’s consuming my thoughts all the time. If it wasn’t for my children I’d pack my bags and leave today.

@FingerBubble

So much of it what OP and other posters have said resonates with me. I’m just starting to admit to myself that I’ve been living a lie for years and years. It’s so hard. DH knows I’m unhappy but has no idea of the extent of it, it’s consuming my thoughts all the time. If it wasn’t for my children I’d pack my bags and leave today.

That's exactly how I felt. I bubbled away like that for years. Now I've told him I want to separate, but am now panicking about how that will affect the children, living in two homes and all that.

I am older than you treasure47 (mid-40s) and that's another reason why I think I can't put up with a marriage without any physical attraction. I could maybe accept just being companions in my 70s but not now. It's making me feel like I am way older than I actually am. But half of me thinks that I am being selfish, potentially breaking up my kids' home just so that I might get a shot at a normal, loving, sexual relationship again.

@horseyhorsey17

reading this and a similar thread started by you make me feel less alone, although of course in real life it is a lot harder to face.

I haven’t discussed it with anyone, beyond telling DH that I have had enough. He is very insensitive and lacking in imagination though, and thinks I’m just annoyed at him for recent poor behaviour- the causes of my unhappiness in my marriage are so deep I can hardly bring myself to think about them.

It’s like I’ve literally woken up after a decade of denial and I’m feeling overwhelmed. How have a found myself married to a man i don’t like, let alone love, with two children? My personality has changed beyond all recognition, I want to cry for the person I was before I met him, and the chances of a loving relationship that I’ve missed out on because I chose to stick with someone I Knew wasn’t right for me.

Still trying to process it all, and on a practical level I haven’t thought through what to so.

I've felt alone for ages too. And ironically being alone is my biggest fear - I have 10 pets for this reason! Desperately trying to compensate for something, no doubt! But it can be very lonely in a relationship where you're just not connecting.

I have tried to do some practical stuff today, like book a call with a solicitor, but I keep bursting into tears so today has just been a struggle from beginning to end. I am dreading seeing my husband when he gets home later. I just keep trying to remind myself that I will get this sorted by the end of the year. That is my goal.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Your post really resonates with me too - The part about the good bits being for other people, the children, the outward image of a happy stable family. I can’t contemplate the upheaval of actually doing anything about it, but I feel frantic at the thought of living like this until my youngest is an adult.

I would be overjoyed if he came home, told me he’d met someone else he loved, and we could work out how to co parent civilly

I'm currently stressing out about whether I can actually afford to live on my own as a single mum! I know I probably need to speak to someone first but the chat with my mum has made me panic and now I just worry that I'll be really struggling on my own. I've looked at info online etc but it's hard to get a clear idea based on my own circumstances. Things like this just make me feel more stuck though 😔

@treasure47

Thinking about the practicalities, the finances, is really difficult, I admire you for having got to a place where you can discuss it with your mum though

Exactly the same position here. Married 16 years, together 22, 2 children. I said wanted to separate last March - still living in the same house. Going round and round in circles. Absolute hell.

[quote FingerBubble]@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Your post really resonates with me too - The part about the good bits being for other people, the children, the outward image of a happy stable family. I can’t contemplate the upheaval of actually doing anything about it, but I feel frantic at the thought of living like this until my youngest is an adult.

I would be overjoyed if he came home, told me he’d met someone else he loved, and we could work out how to co parent civilly[/quote]
Yes, I think if mine was adulterous it'd solve a problem.

I'll never have a fling - I'm way too conventional to do it, or even think about it.

the financial stuff is a factor, for sure. Can't afford to live in our area as a single parent so I'd have to look at moving the kids schools, which feels really SELFISH as thier exams are coming up. They have nice friends, happy with their clubs and hobbies - why would I uproot them because my marriage is a bit dsiappointing?

He's a good man, I'm not mistreated. He works hard for us. He's happier than I am. I have lovely friends and colleagues and I like my little garden and my neighbours.

I look at the news and see the women who'd give anything to swap their life with mine.

I think I'm a bit spoiled, TBH. What is my problem? I'm very fortunate.

I just can't let go of the fact that he promised to "love and cherish" me. And if he does, he hides it well. He says he does, he swears he does. It's easy to say it, less easy to do it, it seems.

I think I deserved to be loved and cherished - and his lack of demonstrating those two little words has made my love for him shrivel like a rejected apple in a fruit bowl.

It's very sad.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

It is really sad, and I also know I’m fortunate I so many ways, but I don’t think it’s being spoiled to admit to being unhappy and to want to be cherished. And even if you never meet anyone else, it’s surely got to be better than pretending? At least, I think it is, but then I’m terrified of the implications of saying that! At the moment it feels unthinkable to uproot my kids and cause them such upset but…Your marriage is supposed to be the anchor point of your life, and if it’s basically a shell, it sort of makes a mockery of everything else.

Someone asked me recently what DH felt about a certain situation, and my first thought was that I couldn’t have cared less how he was feeling. And it wasn’t a stray thought, that’s how I feel deep down - I just have no feelings for him, beyond annoyance when he is an selfish arsehole (which is a frequent occurrence, but he has always been and I turned a blind eye, so in some ways it’s a bit rich for me to complain about it now - I feel like my friends ( many of whom I’ve lost as they disliked him so much) and family will say I’ve made my bed and I should lay in it. And that’s what I’ve been doing up til now, and telling myself it’s fine to not feel attraction to your husband, it’s fine to have no emotional connection, it’s fine to wish he would have an affair, etc etc.

It’s so awful to write this down, but very cathartic

It is complicated and confusing.
My H had an emotional affair with a woman who was as obsessed as he was with his hobby.
I stayed because I was too scared to leave and lived the home so had made and my DC were teenagers and I didn’t think he would bother to see them if we separated. He would never have left.
I made a life of my own with friends and interests but it was only last summer when so met someone who thought I was amazing and did kind things for me that I found the courage to leave. Otherwise I would have just stayed. I didn’t leave for OM but because he made me realise I did not have to settle for that life. But I couldn’t have done it until my DC were at Uni.
I

Wow, I can relate to so much in this thread. Well done OP for having the chat with your husband. That is what I cannot do, even though I’ve thought about it so many times. I just don’t think I have the courage. Been married over 20 years, sexless for 5 years, and living like friends/housemates. I’m early 50s and feel time is or has run out for me meeting someone else who will cherish me and whom I can reciprocate those feelings and get intimate with. Don’t want to be intimate with DH so surely it’s over…. Anyway ladies (and men) you are not alone, thinking of you all….

Sorry for all you ladies in a similar situation. Although I don’t have children at home to think about- we are overseas and I want to get my stuff back into the UK and give it a little while before initiating anything. After20 odd years I feel like I’m married to a totally different person and one I wouldn’t have married- 2nd marriage too in my case.

So many of us struggling, @gelatodipistacchio my situation is very similar to yours and it hurts like hell doesn’t it. I know leaving him (I have) is the right thing to do but it’s tough having to make myself stay away because despite the emotional abuse there were good bits and I miss those, and I miss the man I thought he was

Another thing I worry about (can you tell I'm a worrier? 😅) is what it would be like not seeing DS all the time, him going between 2 homes etc. I'd more than likely have him most of the time, DH would have him (most) weekends but I'd feel so guilty about not being with him.

DS brings me such joy (we were having a good belly laugh today and it was wonderful, we're like 2 peas in a pod!) and I actually think our closeness has made me realise how I don't really get a lot of joy from DH. Not that he's a bad person or anything, he's really not but I just don't feel like we're a good match anymore. If I met him now for example, there's no way we'd end up together.

I'm glad the conversation was had because it's got things out into the open even though it's not easy knowing what to do next.