How did you know you weren't in love anymore?

[treasure47]

My husband and I have recently separated but still living together. Getting along actually better than before we (I) made the decision but it's confusing because I find myself thinking "do I really want to separate? Things aren't that bad".
But I have no desire to be intimate or affectionate with him, I'd have to force that, it doesn't come naturally to me anymore. I also don't particularly look forward to him coming home or spending time with him, we have different interests now. I'm sure I just love him as a family member or friend.
How did you know you didn't have those feelings anymore?

Trying to stick to my decision (after over a year of turmoil and going around in circles) and not just think it's easier to stay for the sake of DS.

@Holothane

The more I read this thread the more I relate, I crave my time at night now more than ever we watch one programme a week on the tv together usually I play on iPad I watch most of my stuff in the bedroom.the thought now of a meal out makes my heart sink. I don’t want to hear stuff I’ve heard a thousand times before. I’ve got the ick hand hold at night I can cope with anything more no, quick hugs so he’s not suspicious (plans a foot) sex definitely not wasn’t bothered for years now I don’t care. No interested at all, trouble is his mental health I do feel guilty but the thought of years with this grumpiness etc no just no.

We're the same - evenings we just do our own thing. We used to watch a tv show together once a week or something but other than that he'll usually just watch YouTube and I'll read or do something else. Conversation is usually a bit dull too - he complains about his work colleagues a lot which I don't mind him ranting to me but usually it's the same things over and over. Or sometimes he'll start talking to me about something he's really interested in that I just find so dull, and it's never a quick thing, he'll go on for ages and I'll just be thinking about what else I'd rather be doing. That sounds so bad I know!

Thought provoking thread, bumping for later as dh too close for comfort here.

@treasure47 I definitely feel I was you a year ago, so many of the things you say I can relate to.
I think as well once I got the ick there was no going back. Also I felt so drained, I stopped taking care of myself and never bothered with nice clothes or make up because I was so unhappy and just exhausted from all his issues.
I am glad I did it now while I'm still relatively young rather than wait another 5 or 10 years.
In terms of finance, I have been able to manage ok and my ex gives me Child Maintenance. Having the money for the first months rent and deposit was also a great help as it allowed me to move out of my mum's.
Feel free to pm me if you want to chat more about anything

[quote Helen812]@treasure47 I definitely feel I was you a year ago, so many of the things you say I can relate to.
I think as well once I got the ick there was no going back. Also I felt so drained, I stopped taking care of myself and never bothered with nice clothes or make up because I was so unhappy and just exhausted from all his issues.
I am glad I did it now while I'm still relatively young rather than wait another 5 or 10 years.
In terms of finance, I have been able to manage ok and my ex gives me Child Maintenance. Having the money for the first months rent and deposit was also a great help as it allowed me to move out of my mum's.
Feel free to pm me if you want to chat more about anything[/quote]
I feel drained too but I think it's more my inner turmoil and the back and forth. DH doesn't have issues as such although I am actually beginning to see that he's placed too much of his self-worth/happiness/etc on me which is a lot to have on my shoulders! I think I probably used to feel like that with him tbh, I think I relied on him too much and I've become much more self-sufficient now so don't feel like I "need" him as much.
I worry that I'm not at the best age to separate as I don't have loads of time left to meet someone else and possibly have another child. If I was in my 20s I'd feel more relaxed about time! But I know it's silly to think like that and I need to just accept that some things are out of my control. I also know in 10 years time I'll probably look back at myself thinking that at this age and think I was being stupid!

Thank you for your words of support, it really helps hearing from people who've come out the other side!

I’m a good number of years ahead from where you are. I fully relate to all of your posts, I was there too for almost ten years. I took the plunge and split with exH when I was on a very small part time salary and had a young child.

Even after all these years, I still maintain that it was more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.

Yes, my ex turned nasty, withheld child maintenance and tried his best to make us homeless but… here’s the key thing: he didn’t turn into a nasty person because we divorced, he was already that before we split, there where red flags everywhere but I had chosen to ignore them, even after they made me fell out of love, because he was a “good friend”, helped with the house and always woke me up with a cup of coffee. The plain reality is that we were not having the fights we could have had because I, myself, became very skilled at keeping the peace at home, being diplomatic and defuse situations. Also got very good at taking care of all the logistics and putting myself at the end of the queue so he could enjoy his hobbies and greatly advance his career.

You wonder how are you going to survive on your own, you really do, but you find a way. You may end up realising that raising a child on your own, keeping a job and the house in order is much easier when you don’t have another adult tripping you down, increasing your workload or making you feel miserable and trapped day in day out.

Life after divorce has not been easy but has been happier, it has up and downs but even when things go wrong you know there is hope and you will find the way to sort it. I have found this very empowering and a much better life than living a day at a time. It is a struggle no doubt, but that comes also with feeling alive.

My son no longer has contact with his dad. People may think it was because we divorced but again, the flags of what was to come were there, he may have taken him to the park, taught him to ride a bike, and read stories for him but he was really nasty when DS didn’t do as expected, and it was escalating as DS grew older. You slowly start seeing the damage living in a toxic home makes to your kid: the walking on eggshells because everybody is angry, the little mediator helping out when things go wrong, the constant appeasing of dragons at home (those two frustrated adults unhappily living together at home).

With regards to the finances, it was not as bad as I expected. I learned to cope with it and live with far less money I imagined possible. I have a job that is ok, a lovely house I am proud of and a happy child now studying in a top university. My clothes now come from Primark rather than Hobbs, my face cream is no longer Clinique but Aldi’s and all the lovely things in my house from toys to furniture were found in charity shops but we have lived ok and most importantly, happy.

Divorce is not a failure, the failure is to stay in a situation that is making everyone miserable, you need a lot of guts to leave but it is like jumping into a swimming pool with cold water, you get the shock when you get it, but then you get used to the temperature, start swimming and love it.

@treasure47 my ex was the same, he relied very much on me for his happiness. He had no hobbies, never saw any of his friends, he wanted us to do everything together and would huff if I didn't want to go out with him or if I wanted to go out on my own. He constantly complained about work and it was the same drivel over and over. We would bicker about the same things over and over.
At night, we would sit in separate rooms doing our own thing which I enjoyed and then it would annoy me when he came in to talk to me or something.
We just became different people, the things I was into, he wasn't, his views on things were so traditional as well which I didn't always agree with.
I felt if I had another child I would be well and truly stuck there.
I used to think about what it would be like when he retired and didn't like the thought of it. Lockdown I think contributed because he worked from the kitchen table all day.
You are still young and you can make a good happy life for yourself and feel all those lovely feelings about someone again x

I’m having a coffee with hot water bottle for my back he’s shouted me from the bedroom I never get any peace only when I’m in the bedroom at night not even then some nights it’s like a being a waiter beck and call. It never bothered me once now I think what the fuck now?

@TheBigDilemma love this, I am only 10 months post separation so it is great to hear from someone who is much more down the line.
I agree with the finances, somehow you just manage and it is nowhere near as difficult as you think.
The worst part for me was the limbo and indecision before breaking up and then the actual week when we broke up. It is like ripping off a plaster because after that I just felt relief and elation that I was free.
Also totally agree with life being so much easier without someone's moods etc dragging you down daily.

@Helen812 That so true, nobody wants to be the one executing the marriage. But once you go past the initial shock, the mourning of the routines and start standing by yourself it is as if the sun has come out, and that feeling of elation, freedom and hope stays with you: you have learned to trust yourself.

Someone once said that is better to leave on time than wait until you start throwing things at each other. And there is so much truth on that, you don’t want to wait until you feel so frustrated that things get so nasty you become consistently unkind to each other, you don’t need to wait for the worst or an affair to happen, leaving on time in better terms will give you a better chance to heal the wounds and allow yourself and your ex, with a bit of luck and plenty of good will, to co parent the children well and effectively but separately.

@TheBigDilemma

I’m a good number of years ahead from where you are. I fully relate to all of your posts, I was there too for almost ten years. I took the plunge and split with exH when I was on a very small part time salary and had a young child.

Even after all these years, I still maintain that it was more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.

Yes, my ex turned nasty, withheld child maintenance and tried his best to make us homeless but… here’s the key thing: he didn’t turn into a nasty person because we divorced, he was already that before we split, there where red flags everywhere but I had chosen to ignore them, even after they made me fell out of love, because he was a “good friend”, helped with the house and always woke me up with a cup of coffee. The plain reality is that we were not having the fights we could have had because I, myself, became very skilled at keeping the peace at home, being diplomatic and defuse situations. Also got very good at taking care of all the logistics and putting myself at the end of the queue so he could enjoy his hobbies and greatly advance his career.

You wonder how are you going to survive on your own, you really do, but you find a way. You may end up realising that raising a child on your own, keeping a job and the house in order is much easier when you don’t have another adult tripping you down, increasing your workload or making you feel miserable and trapped day in day out.

Life after divorce has not been easy but has been happier, it has up and downs but even when things go wrong you know there is hope and you will find the way to sort it. I have found this very empowering and a much better life than living a day at a time. It is a struggle no doubt, but that comes also with feeling alive.

My son no longer has contact with his dad. People may think it was because we divorced but again, the flags of what was to come were there, he may have taken him to the park, taught him to ride a bike, and read stories for him but he was really nasty when DS didn’t do as expected, and it was escalating as DS grew older. You slowly start seeing the damage living in a toxic home makes to your kid: the walking on eggshells because everybody is angry, the little mediator helping out when things go wrong, the constant appeasing of dragons at home (those two frustrated adults unhappily living together at home).

With regards to the finances, it was not as bad as I expected. I learned to cope with it and live with far less money I imagined possible. I have a job that is ok, a lovely house I am proud of and a happy child now studying in a top university. My clothes now come from Primark rather than Hobbs, my face cream is no longer Clinique but Aldi’s and all the lovely things in my house from toys to furniture were found in charity shops but we have lived ok and most importantly, happy.

Divorce is not a failure, the failure is to stay in a situation that is making everyone miserable, you need a lot of guts to leave but it is like jumping into a swimming pool with cold water, you get the shock when you get it, but then you get used to the temperature, start swimming and love it.

So good to hear you made it out the other side and are much happier. Also what you said about not having as many nice things but being happy - Sometimes I feel sad at what I'd lose because we have a lovely house and are comfortable financially but real happiness isn't material things, it's a feeling. And yes, "things" and your environment contribute to that but they also can't be the foundation for it.

Really good to hear another positive story. Thank you for sharing 😊

[quote Helen812]@treasure47 my ex was the same, he relied very much on me for his happiness. He had no hobbies, never saw any of his friends, he wanted us to do everything together and would huff if I didn't want to go out with him or if I wanted to go out on my own. He constantly complained about work and it was the same drivel over and over. We would bicker about the same things over and over.
At night, we would sit in separate rooms doing our own thing which I enjoyed and then it would annoy me when he came in to talk to me or something.
We just became different people, the things I was into, he wasn't, his views on things were so traditional as well which I didn't always agree with.
I felt if I had another child I would be well and truly stuck there.
I used to think about what it would be like when he retired and didn't like the thought of it. Lockdown I think contributed because he worked from the kitchen table all day.
You are still young and you can make a good happy life for yourself and feel all those lovely feelings about someone again x[/quote]
I think lockdown changed things because people's socialising habits have sort of changed permanently now (at least our circle of friends' has!) and people don't see each other as much. He also is more distant from his family now since lockdown. I'll encourage him to make plans with people and he's always so negative and expects the worst. To be fair to him, he's also got a lot worse since I initially told him I wasn't happy, so he's suffocating a bit in his own sadness. And it's hard because I feel responsible and I don't want him to be unhappy but I'm realising I can't always put other people's happiness over my own.
I'm not the most sociable person but since having a child I feel I need that more so I have a slightly wider circle of friends now (not mutual friends with DH). I'd much rather have a night out with them than DH, and I never used to feel like that, he was always my favourite person to spend time with.
I just don't feel like we're on the same wavelength anymore. I'd struggle to list what we now have in common apart from our past, and our son.

Oh no, I still have the nice things, it just that I have become more resourceful at getting them for much less money.

My house is very stylish and comfortable, but everything, from the Farrow&Ball paint on the walls to the expensive furniture has come from charity shops, you just need a bit of patience for the opportunity to show itself, your good taste is not going anywhere!

[quote TheBigDilemma]@Helen812 That so true, nobody wants to be the one executing the marriage. But once you go past the initial shock, the mourning of the routines and start standing by yourself it is as if the sun has come out, and that feeling of elation, freedom and hope stays with you: you have learned to trust yourself.

Someone once said that is better to leave on time than wait until you start throwing things at each other. And there is so much truth on that, you don’t want to wait until you feel so frustrated that things get so nasty you become consistently unkind to each other, you don’t need to wait for the worst or an affair to happen, leaving on time in better terms will give you a better chance to heal the wounds and allow yourself and your ex, with a bit of luck and plenty of good will, to co parent the children well and effectively but separately.[/quote]
"Someone once said that is better to leave on time than wait until you start throwing things at each other. And there is so much truth on that, you don’t want to wait until you feel so frustrated that things get so nasty you become consistently unkind to each other, you don’t need to wait for the worst or an affair to happen, leaving on time in better terms will give you a better chance to heal the wounds and allow yourself and your ex, with a bit of luck and plenty of good will, to co parent the children well and effectively but separately."

What you said there is so true. I also think it would be better to leave before things get really bad, or something horrible happens. At this point I could see myself becoming closer to another person because I'm not getting that level of connection from my relationship (I've already had moments like this, something that's never happened with me before) and I of course wouldn't want it to get to that stage! I'd want us to have a good relationship for DS whatever happens. My mum and dad separated when I was really young but they always got along, and in a way were friends, and it made so much difference to me. His parents separated when he was young too, because his dad got close to someone else so there was a lot of animosity there, so we've had different experiences in that way.

@TheBigDilemma

Oh no, I still have the nice things, it just that I have become more resourceful at getting them for much less money.

My house is very stylish and comfortable, but everything, from the Farrow&Ball paint on the walls to the expensive furniture has come from charity shops, you just need a bit of patience for the opportunity to show itself, your good taste is not going anywhere!

Sorry, I didn't word that right did I, I didn't mean any offence, hope I didn't cause any! I know that I'd have to adapt and things wouldn't be as easy for me.

I love that though, being resourceful! Probably makes you appreciate things all the more too 😊

These are all really inspiring stories, those of you who have got to the other side. And those of you who are still stuck, it's reassuring to read exactly the same things I'm going through so I know I'm not going crazy!
He went off to a gig unannounced last week, sent me a text telling me he was literally in a different country (ok, Scotland, but that's far enough) and that he would be back the next day. Just another example of him doing whatever he wants whenever he wants, expecting me just to be here to take care of everything. So my plan was to tell him last night that enough is enough and that we need to separate. Saturday night I do the shopping, he does whatever he wants in the house, and the kids go to my mum's. So I was going to use the time to tell him, but I didn't. I got home with the shopping, he was watching a film, and I just brought all the bags in and put everything away and left to go to my mum's. Why did I bottle it?!! I'm furious with myself now. I think something that stopped me was that he took my youngest out on his bike on the afternoon, which he never ever bloody even thinks about, but it was as if he was trying to act the good dad, and it made me think now is not the time. Why do I let him do one decent thing in a year and it's enough for me to let him off. Again. Really so annoyed with myself. He's away again tomorrow to a gig, out all day and night. Can I just text him while he's away and tell him we need to sort this out. I and so bliddy soft

@treasure47 No offence taken, just remember you will not be starting from scratch, you will be starting from experience and that experience will support you to get to where you want to be 🙂
I live much better than I did when I was married but in much it us because I am now in control of the finances.

@19Bears, you can text him and start packing his things. If you are the one who is moving out take advantage of the opportunity to move out or to another bedroom while he is away. But be prepared not to be believed, my ex didn’t as he thought that if he was fine then we were fine. It didn’t stop me from putting my ducks in a row and prepare my exit, in fact it reduced a lot of the pressure on my shoulders: I could carry on with my plans without guilt, I told him and did several times, not believing me was his choice.

Just remember one thing, you don’t need his permission to end the relationship or his agreement. Just be nice when delivering the news no offence taken

@19Bears

These are all really inspiring stories, those of you who have got to the other side. And those of you who are still stuck, it's reassuring to read exactly the same things I'm going through so I know I'm not going crazy! He went off to a gig unannounced last week, sent me a text telling me he was literally in a different country (ok, Scotland, but that's far enough) and that he would be back the next day. Just another example of him doing whatever he wants whenever he wants, expecting me just to be here to take care of everything. So my plan was to tell him last night that enough is enough and that we need to separate. Saturday night I do the shopping, he does whatever he wants in the house, and the kids go to my mum's. So I was going to use the time to tell him, but I didn't. I got home with the shopping, he was watching a film, and I just brought all the bags in and put everything away and left to go to my mum's. Why did I bottle it?!! I'm furious with myself now. I think something that stopped me was that he took my youngest out on his bike on the afternoon, which he never ever bloody even thinks about, but it was as if he was trying to act the good dad, and it made me think now is not the time. Why do I let him do one decent thing in a year and it's enough for me to let him off. Again. Really so annoyed with myself. He's away again tomorrow to a gig, out all day and night. Can I just text him while he's away and tell him we need to sort this out. I and so bliddy soft

He sounds like he has no consideration for you, and you probably have too much for him! I know that it's so hard actually getting the words out though. A text could start the conversation going if you're struggling in that way. Good luck!

havent rtft.

when you dont get jealous if he is with someone else.

[quote TheBigDilemma]@treasure47 No offence taken, just remember you will not be starting from scratch, you will be starting from experience and that experience will support you to get to where you want to be 🙂
I live much better than I did when I was married but in much it us because I am now in control of the finances.

@19Bears, you can text him and start packing his things. If you are the one who is moving out take advantage of the opportunity to move out or to another bedroom while he is away. But be prepared not to be believed, my ex didn’t as he thought that if he was fine then we were fine. It didn’t stop me from putting my ducks in a row and prepare my exit, in fact it reduced a lot of the pressure on my shoulders: I could carry on with my plans without guilt, I told him and did several times, not believing me was his choice.

Just remember one thing, you don’t need his permission to end the relationship or his agreement. Just be nice when delivering the news no offence taken[/quote]
Thanks @TheBigDilemma - that's very true. I always think of it as starting from scratch but it's not really because I'll have at least some of my own belongings, my own money etc. And yes, experience. I should think of it like that.
I feel quite fed up today as we're all in the house together. Yesterday when it was just me and DS felt so much calmer. And he was in a much better mood. He's had so many tantrums today. I know that's just his age though and he can be unpredictable anyway but it just makes things feel worse.
As harsh as it sounds, I feel so bored. I've spent almost half my life with DH and I feel like I'm just bored of him now 😕 I understand having young children is tough but I can't help but feel like there must be more to living!

@bluebell34567

havent rtft.

when you dont get jealous if he is with someone else.

I think that is a good indication. Years ago when we first got together I used to be really jealous of this girl that he used to like but that nothing happened with. He saw her again fairly recently and they met up for coffee. He told me he had a dream about her a few nights ago where he put her hands around her waist and pulled her close to him and when he told me that I felt nothing! That would have really bothered me a few years ago.

May I ask you what are you doing to help the boredom? What would you be doing right now if he wasn’t there? Is there a reason why you cannot do it while he is there doing not much?

I always thought my parents would split once both they had retired as they have different interests, my mother is a nagging control freak and my dad likes his silence and doing his own thing… they are getting along brilliantly, each has their own study with their own computer, books and TV and only meet for lunch and dinner. This is not what a marriage needs to be but a temporary solution that may keep you sane while you are preparing your exit. ExH and I shared a study, but thankfully he was a lark and I am a night owl so we managed to stay out of each other’s hair well enough for a while. Activities with DS also helped to provide some space (and social interaction) like meeting with other mums and their kids, taking DS to activities and also let exH spend some time with DS away from the house. You know what a time consuming thing going to the supermarket can be

@TheBigDilemma

May I ask you what are you doing to help the boredom? What would you be doing right now if he wasn’t there? Is there a reason why you cannot do it while he is there doing not much?

I always thought my parents would split once both they had retired as they have different interests, my mother is a nagging control freak and my dad likes his silence and doing his own thing… they are getting along brilliantly, each has their own study with their own computer, books and TV and only meet for lunch and dinner. This is not what a marriage needs to be but a temporary solution that may keep you sane while you are preparing your exit. ExH and I shared a study, but thankfully he was a lark and I am a night owl so we managed to stay out of each other’s hair well enough for a while. Activities with DS also helped to provide some space (and social interaction) like meeting with other mums and their kids, taking DS to activities and also let exH spend some time with DS away from the house. You know what a time consuming thing going to the supermarket can be

Yeah I could still do my own thing on a weekend sometimes - when DS naps or if DH takes him out for a bit. Although usually I'm catching up on housework! I guess I feel like I'm missing that feeling where you really want to be around that person, or you just enjoy their company, even if you're not doing much. I don't have that anymore. But maybe I'm asking too much - does anyone feel like that in a LTR? 😅

I asked him for £100 so the kids and I could go and see my dad who has a terminal illness. Firstly he said he didnt have it(even though I knew he had an envelope stuffed full of cash hidden) and then he lied and said he lost his bank card. It was in his wallet.
He was financially abusive and made me feel like a scrounger when I had to ask for money. I told him to get out that night.

[quote TheBigDilemma]@Helen812 That so true, nobody wants to be the one executing the marriage. But once you go past the initial shock, the mourning of the routines and start standing by yourself it is as if the sun has come out, and that feeling of elation, freedom and hope stays with you: you have learned to trust yourself.

Someone once said that is better to leave on time than wait until you start throwing things at each other. And there is so much truth on that, you don’t want to wait until you feel so frustrated that things get so nasty you become consistently unkind to each other, you don’t need to wait for the worst or an affair to happen, leaving on time in better terms will give you a better chance to heal the wounds and allow yourself and your ex, with a bit of luck and plenty of good will, to co parent the children well and effectively but separately.[/quote]
@TheBigDilemma

This is giving me hope . DH and I spoke last night, and I already feel slightly lighter , though he is devastated and I’m sure this is just the start of a long, hard road

I spoke to mine too, @FingerBubble, but it is me who's devastated.

I had no idea he held me in such contempt.

Smarts a bit.

I've written it down. It'll be handy.

I can't even cry. I made a terrible mistake, and I know it's a MN trope, but, I think he's might be a narcissist.

What a mess. What a sad, sad mess.