How did you know you weren't in love anymore?

[treasure47]

My husband and I have recently separated but still living together. Getting along actually better than before we (I) made the decision but it's confusing because I find myself thinking "do I really want to separate? Things aren't that bad".
But I have no desire to be intimate or affectionate with him, I'd have to force that, it doesn't come naturally to me anymore. I also don't particularly look forward to him coming home or spending time with him, we have different interests now. I'm sure I just love him as a family member or friend.
How did you know you didn't have those feelings anymore?

Trying to stick to my decision (after over a year of turmoil and going around in circles) and not just think it's easier to stay for the sake of DS.

I 3as rich before I met h not not millionaire style rich but was careful saved loads and loads all that gone now, one thing in his favour he hates credit loans etc, the phone is ok because that a necessary thing.

I resonate with everything you've all written. Dh and I have been together 20 years, married 14 and have 3 DC.

We've had a hard couple of years. There have been instances of very controlling behaviour and his porn usage affecting our sex life and lying about it. Both times I wanted to leave but his mental health deteriorated and I felt unable to. DH is now diagnosed with MH issues and is medicated, so he is doing better. On the face of it things are better than they were.

But, I feel like I've been held hostage. The thought of living alone and only worrying about the feelings of myself and DC fills me with relief, but I'm terrified of telling him I want to leave. I've looked at rental properties nearby and I could probably afford what I would need. I know that divorcing would negatively impact us financially, but I feel like we both deserve to be happier than we are.

Aside from his MH stuff, DH is a fantastic father and a good husband. He is my best friend but I have the ick and I just don't know where to start. I feel like such a coward, but I don't want to hurt him.

@nova99 As awful as it sounds I'm probably gonna end up having an affair. I cry at the lack of intimacy

Can you speak to your husband about having an open marriage/non-monogamy?
He cannot just decide himself that all intimacy has ended because a marriage is a partnership.

Before you speak to him decide what you want - one off sex occasionally with other people or a fuck buddy who you see regularly for sex or a friends with benefits scenario where your friends but have sex?
(I think the latter carries risks due to the emotional connection)

Can you talk to him about dates and going out having fun or do you want to go put with friends and not him?

Please don't have an affair, if you're found out it will be like a bomb in your lives and very likely you'll split which you are trying to avoid.

Here we go again more weed on credit with neighbour, so that’s got to be paid up, he also wants money for his cds he’ll annoy the hell out of everyone with (last time was dreadful) 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Hi, just wondered what the outcome was of this or if you are still in the same position? Xxx

My word I’m just reading some of old posts I’m holothane here on this thread well we’re spitting up, I’m moving soon funny though he wants me around at Christmas I’ll say I can Christmas Eve day time but not staying over he’s got realise it’s not decent for me to stay over only one bed and once I’m move out it’s day time visits only bingo nights I’m staying with a bingo friend.

That decision only seemed to last a few days and then we just kind of slipped back into how it was before. The same thing has happened a few times and it's almost like when I/we (it's definitely more my choice) make the decision to separate, I feel sure about it for about a day and then I start to panic and think about all the things I'll miss, or how things will be different (tbh all of these things centre around our child) and the logistics of it all seem so overwhelming. I am wondering if because I can't just seem to go through with it, it means there's something still there to salvage so we've been trying to work on things and some things are better and some things just haven't changed. DS is 3 1/2 now and sometimes I get panicky thinking if we are going to split, the sooner the better as he's still young but splitting also makes me feel so sad for him and for us all really. I've been trying to focus on myself and finding more things for me as I think I probably lost that a bit, plus getting DH to pull his weight more as I felt like I was doing everything and everything felt like a chore.

So no real outcome I suppose. I think I'm expecting to make a decision and feel strong and 100% sure about it (to stay or break up) but I'm probably expecting too much!

I still don't particularly feel the desire to be intimate apart from having a hug. We have been intimate because I wanted to see how I felt, if it would feel natural etc and it hasn't been great. One time I felt quite upset afterwards and I couldn't really explain it. It just didn't feel right but I'm not sure if that's because we've become more distant. I think it's made me address similar issues with us around this that have always been there though that are very difficult to talk about (with him but also with myself!)

I think there's huge fear on both sides because we've been together so long and we're all we've ever known really so the idea of breaking up is terrifying for both.

Everything you have posted in this thread resonates with me. You've crystallised it all perfectly.

It's not a nice thing to face up to, but it's all true.
Sometimes I think I even hate him.

He had a particular note book, with some relatively important stuff in it. Which I accidentally took to work about 10 years ago, and I said to myself that when he does something nice, I'll give it back to him.
I've long since thrown it away.

He does look after me in a lot of ways, health-wise, but it's not enough, is it??

I'm almost glad to know that there are lots of people in exactly the same situation. It's not something i'd admit to in real life.

Ah OP I really feel for you. In similar position. I often wonder if it's natural to stay with someone forever. Tbh I don't think it is, but when there are children involved, we tend to sacrifice some things and stay. No way would I normally 'make' myself be intimate with someone I didn't like in that way anymore (for example, when this happened in any previous relationship before children, I ended it, and likewise for the other party). Thanks so much for the update, it's nice to know that other people are in similar positions.

@treasure47 the logistics of it all seem so overwhelming This is precisely what is stopping me. For me, it's definitely not that there is anything there to save which holds me back, not at all, it's just the thought of facing everything that comes with making this decision. I want something to bring it to a head and force me into taking action or I'll just be in limbo forever. The dc are in limbo too, I know they can feel that. Like you, this is my decision to separate, dh doesn't want any of this (not that we've talked about it for nearly three years...) and I think we're both as terrified as each other so neither of us dares make the first move. I think he knows if he starts a conversation about our relationship I will say everything he doesn't want to hear, so he keeps quiet and tries to find other things to deflect from the situation and try to carry on as if everything is fine, including suggesting getting a cat...... And I daren't start the conversation either, despite having lots of opportunities, because I feel mentally paralysed by it all. Clearly all I can do is take a deep breath and get it over with, as the alternative is to keep myself and the kids (and dh) in limbo forever, which would be insanity. Have you had a breaking point where you think you're just going to do it? Do you let these chances go? Or are you still waiting for the final straw?

It's difficult because I almost feel like I'm in a "can we just be friends?" situation but that's impossible when you're married with a child! But that's how it feels to me. I don't hate or dislike him (although tbh I can often feel resentment about the situation bubbling away in me which comes out in not very nice ways at times) and I think in my head for a relationship to end it has to be awful. It would be different if we were both on the same page. I think DH knows things aren't good but just doesn't want to let go and I feel a bit the same too. I think if we didn't have a child though I'd be brave and just do it because the idea of being on my own doesn't scare me at all.
Is it a similar situation with you? Have you been together for a long time?

I've had a few moments where I think really clearly yes this is the best decision for me. I remember one day I woke up after an amazing nights sleep and I felt strong and sure so I told him I wanted to end things. I felt so sad but sure I'd made the right choice but I think still living together, having to carry on as "normal" for DS just makes it so difficult and I end up just feeling awful about everything and like I'm ruining everyone's life. I think similar to you we're both a bit scared of change but looking at our relationship objectively it's not right. It's too one sided and there's little to no affection/intimacy. Sometimes I just think "do we need to just go on a few holidays and try to inject some fun into our lives" but I don't think life is a holiday, and I worry that I'd be pushing things down/papering over the cracks and they'll just reappear years down the line. A big part of me just thinks I should be brave and do it but it's so much easier said than done

I had a dream last night that we had another baby and in the dream I was so unhappy. Having another child is something I think about every now and again but I know it would have to be for the right reasons. I'm 34 so don't exactly have loads of time but when I had my first I was almost obsessed about it. I think I probably ignored things that weren't right because I was so focused on having a baby. So I know I must not repeat that. Not that things were awful, they were good and I was happy but I know deep down there were things that maybe weren't right. But I think I always put it down to having been together for a long time. I think more stresses in life (plus living through a pandemic with a baby) brings things to the surface.

Dear @treasure47 and the other posters who are in the same dilemma, may I offer an opinion as a much older woman who is only now separating?

It seems to me that many of you know this is not the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with. You wonder if the love will come back, but it is more likely it won’t. Even if you both worked hard and got something back, it won’t be like the love was before, and it is just as likely it will go away again.

So - once the ick is there, it doesn’t go away.

Probably most important, can you do this to your children? Can you for the next x amount of years play happy families. Depends what age they are now? If the youngest is say 15 then maybe you can last another five years. But let me tell you from experience that faking a happy marriage and not being your true authentic self will destroy your self esteem, confidence, and be a waste of your life.

So - however much you love your children, don’t let yourself be destroyed in the process. You need to be the mother they will need when they are in their 20’s, 30’ and beyond. You need to be their role model and show them how to live their best lives, you can’t do that if you’re not doing it for yourself.

In a perfect world there would be enough money to go your separate ways that allow the children to have some continuity. Look at yourself critically and try and work out how much money means to you. Is a roof and food on the table enough? Or is the need for a flashy car more important? Look into what it really costs to run a smaller home with only necessities. Is this worth sacrificing your happiness for. If you won’t have enough, start making plans and decisions now so in five years time you can manage alone.

So - just because you can’t afford to leave now doesn’t mean you can’t afford to leave forever.

My suggestion, is to decide that you will be leaving, but just not yet as the time isn’t right. See how that sits with you. Put the other problems to one side for the moment, how does that feel? If you can get your head, heart and gut to see this is the only solution for you, then know that the other problems can be resolved.

This means you can push to make the relationship more equal or more how you want it if the DH isn’t doing his share. If he won’t countenance it, then he may make the decision to go for you.

Please, I’ve wasted so much of my life being with someone who I don’t love. I thought I could endure, but I can’t. Now at least my child is an adult, and the finances are ok, it’s an easy decision. I’m going and I can’t get there fast enough.

Im sorry if I’ve come over too strong and its only my opinion I’m stating, but reading your stories, I could have written them all.

Dear @sleepymum50 Thank you, thank you, thank you for these words. I am in this position and simply cannot afford to leave financially, yet. But you have shared such wise words. I can plan & the fact that this won't be forever heartens me.
I need your post today, words cannot express how much !
Thank you 😊

Thank you for sharing your story, very helpful to hear of people in similar situations. May I ask what it was like for you, why you weren't happy and whether your husband felt the same? Do you wish you'd left earlier or are you glad you waited?

Financially I know would be more difficult for me but not impossible. What's causing my unease is the amount of unknowns. Where I'd live etc at a time when I need to be selecting schools for DS just adds extra stress

If anyone has read Wild by Cheryl Strayed (would highly recommend) there's a quote in there about her divorce and it pretty much sums up exactly how I feel:

"I didn't exactly want to get divorced. I didn't exactly not want to. I believed in almost equal measure both that divorcing Paul was the right thing to do and that by doing so I was destroying the best thing I had. By then my marriage had become like the trail in that moment when I realized there was a bull in both directions. I simply made a leap of faith and pushed on in the direction where I'd never been."

Hi @treasure47 just to answer your school question first.

You said he was three I believe.

My husband was in the military and we had frequent postings so moved quite often. She went to three different nurseries, two different primary and just one secondary. She managed the moves and they were easier for her the younger she was. I once worked out she never had her birthday party in the same house two years running until she was eight years.

So for me coming from that world, if I had left and had to move my child’s school, it probably wouldnt have phased me (or her) very much. I Understand most people don’t live like this, so it seems a much bigger thing to them.

So if you are worried about which school at 5 years, then go for the best one at the time. I have found when you have a big decision coming up, often as it becomes near to the time that the decision must be made - it becomes easier. That may be because circumstances change or options fall away.

If you are worried about nursery options, then don’t. At this age they generally cope well. I would be loath to change secondary schools, I think their peer group become more important.

So if he is only 3, then you presumably have a couple of years to make that decision, and if things subsequently change, it really won’t be the end of (his) world.

Does that help in any way?

DS starts school next September so I have to select schools for him now by mid January so it feels a bit strange when we might not be living in the same place when he's in school. There's also the matter of our mortgage to deal with - we're on standard variable interest rate at the moment as we were unsure what we're doing but the interest rates Sky rocketing has put the fear in me a bit (well, both of us really) so now I'm thinking, we'll need to get a mortgage deal fixed and that pretty much means we're staying, as neither of us could afford the house on our own, but if we sold the house it's likely we'd have to rent. He could probably get a mortgage eventually but there's so much uncertainty it feels like the choice is gone really. Staying together is the sensible option

NC as alongside some of my other posts, could be identifying.
This thread is an absolute tonic for me at the moment. I can resonate so much with the stories on here. I am 39 and have been unhappy for at least 3-4 years in my marriage. Falling hard for someone else (unattainable, it's a nonstarter) hasn't helped matters and shone a light on what is missing in my life and always will be if I stay.
@sleepymum50 do you mind me asking what age you were when you left your H?
I have a 12 year old x

Just come across this thread which has really helped clear my mind

My story is VERY similar, me and my partner have been together coming up 8 years we have two daughters together and it’s safe to say it’s been rocky relationship.

the start of our relationship I had to deal with a immature selfish boy that wanted to go out all the time never put me and the LO’s first was aggressive extremely moody and lacked interest in me or our family. Over the years he has definitely improved, he’s matured more, he puts family first and if I ask he will help with small jobs round the house and he does take me into consideration….but the problems lie with his aggressive, which isn’t as bad as what he has been through the years but the outbursts and domestic explosions are still there (throwing things punching things putting his fist though the TV) also he’s developed the worst paranoia to the point he’s got controlling in social media, my social life and accusing me of looking at men in public (NEVER BEEN TRUE)

I asked him for a break this summer but he just wept in front of me constantly he was devastated and threatened he was on verge of doing something silly, I let him move back in for two weeks and then I said it wasn’t working again so we come to the agreement he comes on weekends and we will have space but we are not together…we are in limbo. He sleeps in same bed, kisses me cuddles me I have been intimate with him. He’s very clingy he wants reassurance all the time constantly kissing me wanting to bond my hand touching me and it just stresses me out and gives me the ICK. I’ve not wanted intimacy with him I. Ages this year has just got worse. If I don’t give him for longer than a few seconds he will go in strops, storms off in his car the lot.

I think I don’t want to be with him but I’m scared to fully leave him, the kids the fact he will have to move into his parents and leave his home, I know he will be very emotional or very bitter. I know he’s in love with me he’s seen the error of his ways in the past and I think he’s finally woken up and sees what he’s got, he would marry me tomorrow if he could but why do I have this feeling like we shouldn’t be together.

I’m so scared to leave and regret but staying in this limbo is really messing my head up. The guilt I feel everyday for possibly breaking up my family and the confusion of the fact I love him but I’m not in love with him is really destroying me. society makes me feel like you should be with one person forever and have your kids to that person and be married before your 30 and times running out. I’m 28 this December am I screwing my life up. Sorry to ramble. Word vomited

@treasure47

Hi I understand your dilemma. Perhaps stay together for the time being. But when you look at getting the mortgage deal, don’t leave it to your husband. Check the deal over and make sure you know how long it is for, exit terms, penalty clauses, portability etc. Remember knowledge is power. I’m sure there must be other people who end up divorcing on a fixed term and the mortgage companies must have to deal with it.

I feel a hypocrite saying this to you as I have taken my eye totally off the ball as far as our finances go. Best of luck.

@Andbabeiwannacatchonfire

I am 64. I only detonated this bomb in April. We are still living together. For various reasons we haven’t yet put the house on the market. I just wish I’d had the bravery to do something 8 years ago. Before the menopause I just put up with it and believed my husband when he DARVO’d me. Post menopause I just changed in my thinking and realised he was being a bully. But it takes a long time to escape years of emotional abuse.

Please start your own thread @mumoftwoqueens so you can get help and support like you deserve. (and in the meantime: He's violent and irresponsible, I think your relationship has run its course and you deserve to raise your kids in a house without a scary man in it)

I have a thread love but not in love. I feel at a loss and going round in circles!
my guilt is the family unit and for the kids I’m sacrificing family holiday family Christmas morning all of us cuddling in bed, then shouting daddy when he walks through the door…the guilt is awful