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Original poster

Choking during sex, is this normal

635 replies

IsThisNormalOr · 07/03/2022 21:15

I went on a date last night and we ended up getting drunk and having sex. Everything was fine and I was enjoying it but at one point when he was on top of me he put his hands around my neck for a few seconds (not hard, and then he stopped and we switched positions) I didn't say anything. Is this normal? I've never experienced it before. We got on well and he wants to see me again...

OP posts:
JustLyra · 07/03/2022 22:07

Anyone who had done the first bit of research about that kind of play would know that choking when drunk is an absolute no-no.

So even with consent he shouldn’t have done it.

Without consent or discussion it’s a massive red flag.

Lovelteers · 07/03/2022 22:08

To do something like that without EXPLICIT consent with a new partner is a huge red flag - I would run and not see him again.

KneadingKitty · 07/03/2022 22:08

No it's not normal, but I think online chatter around it and porn has made people think it is. It needs to be mutually agreed beforehand. I have been strangled in the past by a parent and this would absolutely send me into batshit fight or flight.

JunkIsland · 07/03/2022 22:10

@givingupchocolatemonday

I don't think Mumsnet is the place to ask this question... to me it's normal! Just a 'kink' some people have. Doesn't mean he wanted to strangle and kill you. PP are very dramatic.
I also thought it was a bad idea to ask in here, but for me it’s because there are always posters who want to minimise things. If you read the op’s posts, she clearly was not ok with this. Posts about how normal and fun it is - even if it is to you - aren’t helpful.
Hasselhoffsheadband · 07/03/2022 22:10

@givingupchocolatemonday

I don't think Mumsnet is the place to ask this question... to me it's normal! Just a 'kink' some people have. Doesn't mean he wanted to strangle and kill you. PP are very dramatic.
Some bloke putting his hands round your neck without asking, the first time you have sex, is 'normal' to you?

You seriously need to reassess your boundaries....

Nopetryagain · 07/03/2022 22:10

Irrespective of whether choking has become the norm (and personally I despair if it has) the fact it was done without discussion and agreement is a deal breaker. I am relieved for your safety that you aren’t seeing him again OP.

Jedsnewstar · 07/03/2022 22:11

Such a shame as we got on so well

Did you though? You got wasted together then he didn’t respect you enough to at least ask were you ok mimicking a rape/murder scenario for his own kicks. Sure you could have been down with it, but he didn’t care to ask, because what you want is irrelevant to him.
Did you get on well? I wonder where your bar is set? Pretty low if you are not running for the hills and blocking every line of communication.

crunchermuncher · 07/03/2022 22:11

@givingupchocolatemonday

I don't think Mumsnet is the place to ask this question... to me it's normal! Just a 'kink' some people have. Doesn't mean he wanted to strangle and kill you. PP are very dramatic.
FGS it's a 'kink' that can easily kill you! As pp have said, unlike some other bdsm practices there is no way to do it safely.

And the issue is, it was a first date, no trust, no discussion, no safeword, no consent. He just presumed it would be fine (or didn't give a shit either way as long as he got what he wanted). What else will he presume is fine?

The arrogance to just do this to a woman is a massive red flag.

FavouritePi · 07/03/2022 22:11

Definitely something picked up from porn but that excuses his behaviour and I don't believe it should. Some people do like it but no one should ever try something niche like choking, anal, etc. on a first date as you need a conversation about boundaries and likes and dislikes before this. This is the same whether the first date or married for 30 years and any decent person knows this.

I also wondered where the choking trend in porn came from because it wasn't always a thing. The only thing I could think of would be the whole fanfare for 50 Shades of Grey making some acts of BDSM more mainstream and porn is a business cashing in on sexual trends.

Pallisers · 07/03/2022 22:13

If the date in this case had applied too much pressure and the OP ended up dead, he'd have a perfect defence of well we were both drunk and consenting and she was happy for me to choke her. Oh brave new world - wait it's just like the old world. I'd like to think there were a few years where it wasn't ok on any level to consider it normal to hurt or even kill women during sex. Maybe late 70s/80s. Maybe I'm deluding myself.

Love the people saying well it matters what he does when you say no. Yeah, naked and underneath it will certainly be interesting to find out.

Milomonster · 07/03/2022 22:14

How can you not know this isn’t acceptable without consent. Sounds like you have issues with your own boundaries.

Pallisers · 07/03/2022 22:14

oh and really love the poster who thinks Kink and Normal are the same - its just a kink! Its normal to me. Dismal

wingscrow · 07/03/2022 22:14

And this is why I would never sleep with someone I have just met...

You know nothing about this guy. He puts his hand around your neck without having first discussed with you whether you are into that sort of thing.

He is a creep who probably has been watching too much porn.

I find odd that you have to ask yourself if it is OK. Of course it is not OK and you would be really careless to see this man again.

As for those who are saying 'have another conversation', you need to raise your standards...

Ddot · 07/03/2022 22:14

NO step away, far away!
I read the intro and thought you must have put it in too far and choked, I only came for a giggle but hell no no no not on a first date.

Luckymummytoone · 07/03/2022 22:15

Someone local to me died from this!

StopStartStop · 07/03/2022 22:15

No.

Toomuchstuffwillkillme · 07/03/2022 22:16

OP, are you going to tell the guy exactly why you don't want to see him again? (For the sake of the next woman he tries this with on the first date)

PurpleGreenPoppy · 07/03/2022 22:16

@cuno

Men strangulate women to death during sex then they say she wanted it and get away with murder. I'd run if I were you.
This
Squiff70 · 07/03/2022 22:16

OP, even if my long-term partner (now fiancé) did this to me during sex, it would set off alarm bells instantly. I'd freak out, even though I trust him and everything we do intimately is consensual on both sides.

DON'T agree to meet him again. He may have meant nothing by it but it's just not worth the risk. Massive red flag - it's actually quite disturbing! Just keep yourself safe above all else. It has clearly worried you enough for you to post here which is more than enough reason not to expose yourself to a potentially dangerous situation.

ExcuseeeeMe · 07/03/2022 22:18

Sorry OP red flag

JustLyra · 07/03/2022 22:18

@givingupchocolatemonday

I don't think Mumsnet is the place to ask this question... to me it's normal! Just a 'kink' some people have. Doesn't mean he wanted to strangle and kill you. PP are very dramatic.
Where would be the place to ask then?

Because on any kink site the replies would be far harsher than here.

Safe, Sane and Consensual would be what the OP was told on any kink site - not Drunk, Random and Never discussed.

Twats like him give kinks a bad name because that’s not kink play. That’s a dangerous man who has watched too much porn.

scoobydoo1971 · 07/03/2022 22:18

I wouldn't recommend anyone do anything to obstruct their neck, or let anyone else do this. I have had three surgeries in the last 12 months for life threatening vascular problems affecting veins and arteries in the neck. Having experienced this condition (and surgeries leading to nerve damage and arm paralysis), and knowing how close I came to death (I had an accident where arteries and veins were crushed), I would never let anyone touch my neck again. Strangulation could bring on the symptoms I live with now, which have led to life long disability and a change of lifestyle. Anyone doing anything to you without prior discussion or consent is an entitled user and best avoided.

Pallisers · 07/03/2022 22:20

The amazing title of this thread is

Choking during sex, is this normal

Like it should be obvious to everyone it is NOT normal. People might like it - go for it. But as the normal part of a first sexual encounter ffs?

I would say having to post this on a women's website tells us we've moved well beyond the realm of normal. An ordinary girl goes out on an ordinary date, they get on, have a bit to drink and fall into bed. he puts his hands around her throat and instead of thinking "jesus christ what fresh hell is this am I going to be killed by this piece of shit" she asks other women "is this normal" and some women even say yes. How have we got here? I have very young adult daughters. I think they would be safer if they were lesbian.

Oh and he might be into porn but he might also not care that much about choking but think this is an expected sexual move these days - so fucking depressing.

springtimeishereagain · 07/03/2022 22:20

It might be if you know each other well and have talked about this before sex.

But for the first time you have sex with someone? No. How did he know you would consent to being choked? It can be incredibly dangerous too.

Sounds like he's watching too much porn.

Are you ok?

rainbowmash · 07/03/2022 22:21

Take it from me, someone who does this kind of stuff regularly with consenting partners - what he did was not ok. His actions are extremely dangerous. Do not see him again.