Choking during sex, is this normal

[IsThisNormalOr]

I went on a date last night and we ended up getting drunk and having sex. Everything was fine and I was enjoying it but at one point when he was on top of me he put his hands around my neck for a few seconds (not hard, and then he stopped and we switched positions) I didn't say anything. Is this normal? I've never experienced it before. We got on well and he wants to see me again...

They say it was a sex game gone wrong.

I for one don’t believe that defence. It’s always extremely obvious that they are lying.

People don’t accidentally strangle someone to death.

Women getting blamed for the actions of men again!!!! Absolutely disgraceful!
If only some of us women would stop indulging in our kink safely, maybe these men wouldn’t turn into murdering scumbags

Who cares whether random old you believes the defence or not? Of course you don’t. None of us do.

But the fact is - it’s routinely successfully used in court, and upheld.

bluesberry

Restricting oxygen to the brain can’t be done safely ever

Anyone who thinks it can needs to educate themselves

I would expect someone who claims it’s a kink they enjoy to know this

No one is blaming women for men’s violence

Everything a woman does, every choice a woman makes, is not automatically “feminist” simply because it’s a woman making it. It’s possible for women to make choices on an individual level which harm women as a class. Every privileged middle class white girl who thinks it’s harmless fun and easy money to have an Onlyfans, for example, is making a choice to perpetuate a society where women’s bodies are commodities to be rented so that men can cum however and whenever they want to, thus contributing to an industry rife with trafficked and abused women and underage girls. An industry that has successfully normalised rough sex, spitting, anal, strangulation, helped along by this so-called “progressive” attitude to kink, which equates to nothing more than telling people they shouldn’t want boundaries. They shouldn’t want to not be props in someone else’s sexual fantasies, they shouldn’t want some things to stay behind the bedroom door and not be trumpeted to the skies as the zenith of “liberation”, they shouldn’t want to not have people advertise their kinks to all and sundry as if they’re a personality trait.

There’s nothing feminist about prioritising men’s ‘right’ to a better orgasm, especially when that involves every more violent porn. Yet so much of our society is predicated on that exact premise, and too many women buy into it at the expense of how ‘woman’ as a sex class is viewed: there for the use of men (in one way or another), disposable, replaceable, not worthy of respect as fully-rounded individuals with thoughts and experiences and rights of our own. A society where consent is optional, rape practically legal and “she wanted to be strangled, honest your honour” gets men off a murder charge.

Is this normal? No it fucking isn't!

@BringTeaAndCake

No, the question was, is it normal.

A fair few women have come on here and said, yes, for them, they like it. But they're being shot down. Being called "cool girls" being told they only like it for the men.

Thats not on. As I explained, I had a very similar experience to the op, the difference was, I was hugely turned on by it. Nothing to do with his enjoyment.

I dislike being told its because I'm deeply unhappy or suffered past trauma or I'm a man pleaser.

Well i guess I'm a cool girl too and my normal involves some CONSENSUAL things that I enjoy. The "eww" attitude of some posters that can't possibly believe that yes, it is fairly normal is really tiresome.

The "eww" attitude of some posters that can't possibly believe that yes, it is fairly normal is really tiresome

It is not normal.

The 'I am entitled to be tortured in whatever way I want, that's feminism' posters are not just tiresome, but dangerous.

Anything can be normalised if done often enough. If I banged my head against a brick wall every day for a few months that might become normal - I might even get to like it!

However it is not normal, neither is wanting to be choked or choking somebody else.

Why? Whatever happened to tender loving sex?

The "eww" attitude of some posters that can't possibly believe that yes, it is fairly normal is really tiresome.

It’s not ‘eww’, it’s sick with dread.

Do you have a daughter @Ducksareruiningmypatio?

The use of the word 'normal' is maybe is in itself 'problematic'.
I agree with OnlyTheTitosauraus But would add our choices aren't neutral and whilst choice is important, you have to (as a feminist) make that choice with your eyes open and not pretend it only affects you.
It's like being an environmentalist but acknowledging not every single one of your choices is 100% green. are varied
It's not saying you can't perform whatever sexual acts you want, but don't think your choice has no impact on other women (and men).
Strangulation is a kink. It's not mainstream. It's dangerous and should not become normalised because of the risks of performing it in ignorance of how dangerous it is, but also because of the risk and harm it promulgates to others.
Damage is not always instantaneous, it can have long lasting harm.

The "eww" attitude of some posters that can't possibly believe that yes, it is fairly normal is really tiresome.

It wasn’t normal in any sense until very recently, though, was it? None of this stuff is new, but it was certainly niche. What is behind the mainstreaming of this and similar practices? Posters can come on here and say they love it, and sure, some would have loved it fifty years ago. But none can explain the explosion in the exposure and normalisation of this stuff. The way it’s not primarily viewed as something just for sexually experienced individuals further exploring what they’re into, but something young kids are messing about with. Something anyone could well encounter on a first date.

I’m sure we can all agree that consenting adults can get up to what they like behind closed doors, but when what looks like violence to and degradation of women as rockets in popularity like this, and in the context of a society where women face unambiguous violence and hatred, it raises questions about what is pushing it and why. It’s no longer just about individuals.

@MimosaSunrise

The "eww" attitude of some posters that can't possibly believe that yes, it is fairly normal is really tiresome.

It wasn’t normal in any sense until very recently, though, was it? None of this stuff is new, but it was certainly niche. What is behind the mainstreaming of this and similar practices? Posters can come on here and say they love it, and sure, some would have loved it fifty years ago. But none can explain the explosion in the exposure and normalisation of this stuff. The way it’s not primarily viewed as something just for sexually experienced individuals further exploring what they’re into, but something young kids are messing about with. Something anyone could well encounter on a first date.

I’m sure we can all agree that consenting adults can get up to what they like behind closed doors, but when what looks like violence to and degradation of women as rockets in popularity like this, and in the context of a society where women face unambiguous violence and hatred, it raises questions about what is pushing it and why. It’s no longer just about individuals.

Excellent points.

I would like to hear a woman who is into violent sex or porn etc be really honest and say 'I have considered my choice, I understand it doesn't only affect me but I'm choosing to do it anyway'.

A bit like me eating meat - I try and choose ethically raised meat and eat less of it but at the end of the day I understand and accept that it involves some animal suffering. But I like eating it. I'm not saying I hate animals and I want them to suffer, but I'm not going to give up meat entirely. Vegetarians may criticise me for this decision. That's their right. Being able to make your own decisions doesn't give you immunity from criticism.

The point I'm trying to make is that if you are going to defend your choices, you need to understand why you make them and what the implications are. One of the reasons some women, including me, get upset and annoyed at women who defend porn and violent sex is because they never (in my experience) demonstrate any understanding or acceptance of how their individual choices affect women as a class. Do they really not get it? Or is the answer 'I understand the point but I don't care because I like it' ?

It is your right to make selfish choices, but don't expect to not be criticised for them by the people affected. This is totally different from knee jerk pearl clutching or kink shaming.

Like the environmental analogy, if we want to live in a world that's not going to shit, we all need to make choices that will help with that.

Similarly, if we want to live in a society where women are not routinely degraded and objectified, don't we all have a part to play with our individual choices?

If you've never seen The Good Place on TV, I highly recommend a watch. It's good fun, silly, uplifting but with lots of really interesting philosophy like this thrown in, especially about what makes a person good or bad, and how choices have got more and more complex as society grows, becomes more complicated and globalised. It is thought provoking.

Some of the things I’ve seen in hardcore porn have shocked and horrified me, and I fervently wish my daughter would never have to see anything like that. The thought of her seeing, or someone showing her stuff like that while she’s a young teenager is absolutely horrifying to me. And I feel for all the young women who haven’t ever known a culture without it, or the excitement of learning about sex in a genuinely loving and erotic way.

^^This

The worst porn my boyfriends would have seen would have been something tame in Playboy.

I really do feel sorry for those kids who've 'seen it all' (and not in a good way.)

Ugh! It is trendy but should never be done without a discussion beforehand about whether the other person is into it (I wouldn't be.)

Well done for blocking him @IsThisNormalOr xx

'trendy'.

Hell to the fuckin no. How is not been able to breathe properly a turn on?? Some people are off their heads!

@Nanny0gg. I totally agree— the worst our boyfriends saw was a bit of spread leg action in whitehouse or some mag found under dads bed or some naughty stories in Forum- it certainly wasn’t the kind of hard core level it’s easy to access these days that’s forming the idea of it being normal and expected !

@AlisonDonut It is, before that it was 'eating ass.'

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there aren't people who've been into choking for years, but there are also trends in sexual activities.

@crunchermuncher
I had a long post written out talking about my personal experiences and how I do play my part and about all the different things that women do that affect other women as a class but when people get attacked for sharing their opinions (not by you) then it is extremely hard to have any meaningful discussions.

I know that Alison would jump all over my posts picking out little parts and twisting them around and so on. I'm sure many others would be more likely to share if things like that didn't happen.

People can criticise, but unless they are also willing to listen and learn and then frame their own arguments in a respectful way then they're not going to achieve any change anyway! Attacking people for what they like just makes people double down on what they like. People never achieve social change that way!

People are discussing very personal issues and I would have loved to carry on the thread with respectful posters in a respectful way and answer your questions but some posters make that impossible with their hostile and aggressive posts!

bluesberry you are the second poster on this thread to enjoy this particular what you refer to as a kink to claim you do it safely

This is what is so concerning …. It can never be safe

Before arguing that others should listen shouldn’t you know the facts ?

This may come across as aggressive to you but if a friend was telling me the same thing I would be telling her to not be so stupid

@HRTQueen
It doesn't come across as aggressive to suggest that it can never be safe.

All of those things can be discussed respectfully, but certain posters completely ruin the chance of that happening!

It’s a fact it can’t be done safely

Not a suggestion or an opinion

That yourself and others who are advocating that further discussions should be had or that it is enjoyable (some have said normal) should absolutely know this

That you don’t (I’m not sure of your age) and probably many other woman and men are not aware of this is and more who are younger where it has become more acceptable because of porn (where many women are screaming in ecstasy) is extremely concerning

@HRTQueen

I wasn't advocating that further discussions were had. I simply said that I would have loved to carry on the discussion and answer that posters questions because perhaps she or others want to actually know the answers, because maybe some people on that side of the debate do in fact want to know the real answers to the questions so that they can then focus their responses accordingly!

I'm Irish and we only had a referendum here to allow abortion in 2018. The debate about it started quite some time before it.

Thankfully it passed, I was always on the yes side, but I honestly thought that it was people on the yes side that were going to lose it for our side with their aggressive posts.

There was quite a few people on the fence, who didn't want to vote yes but were reluctantly going to, for other women or for the young girls of Ireland.

And some were getting very distressed about their decision based on the arguments that some on the yes side were making, but more because of the graphic aggressive way that they went about it. The yes side definitely did lose some votes!

As I said, thankfully the referendum passed, but obviously the world doesn't tend to vote on most things, mindsets and behaviour might change, but it's very unlikely to without respectful discussions and specifically the side who wants change to occur should actually try to understand what the resistance is or how the other side feel or else they will achieve precisely nothing!

Anyway I don't want to derail the thread further and as I said I don't feel that I can contribute any further to the topic of choking because of certain posters so I am out!!

Anyway I don't want to derail the thread further and as I said I don't feel that I can contribute any further to the topic of choking because of certain posters so I am out!!

You are out because people quote your words? You have no credible argument, that is why you are out.