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Original poster

Choking during sex, is this normal

635 replies

IsThisNormalOr · 07/03/2022 21:15

I went on a date last night and we ended up getting drunk and having sex. Everything was fine and I was enjoying it but at one point when he was on top of me he put his hands around my neck for a few seconds (not hard, and then he stopped and we switched positions) I didn't say anything. Is this normal? I've never experienced it before. We got on well and he wants to see me again...

OP posts:
Original poster
IsThisNormalOr · 07/03/2022 22:21

Thanks everyone. I'm going to send him a message explaining that it was unacceptable and block him on everything. He's pretty well built, a boxer. So it's scary to think what could of happened had it gone too far.

OP posts:
Mischance · 07/03/2022 22:21

You need to ask?!

ChuckBerrysBoots · 07/03/2022 22:21

@Toomuchstuffwillkillme

OP, are you going to tell the guy exactly why you don't want to see him again? (For the sake of the next woman he tries this with on the first date)
Please do say something to him if you feel comfortable doing so. It might make him think twice with his next date.
WineIsMyMainVice · 07/03/2022 22:22

@FloraPostePosts

Definitely not. It’s a big red flag unless you’ve properly discussed and agreed it beforehand - and a sign of too much porn consumption.
This.
wingscrow · 07/03/2022 22:22

@givingupchocolatemonday
''I don't think Mumsnet is the place to ask this question...
to me it's normal! Just a 'kink' some people have. Doesn't mean he wanted to strangle and kill you. PP are very dramatic.''

Pathetic and missing the point entirely...

Responsible people who are into Kink/BDSM understand that obtaining consent first in key and that you should discuss limits/boundaries/safe words before you engage in this type of sexual activities/''play''.

To do something like this out of blue to someone you have just met is not acceptable.

She knows nothing about this man, and neither do you, so you have no way of knowing whether he is actually dangerous or not.

The safest thing to do is for the OP to avoid a repeat and stop seeing him because if anything he has already shown that he lacks respect for his partners and does not care about boundaries.

rainbowmash · 07/03/2022 22:24

@Mischance

You need to ask?!
It's not always obvious to people, especially when they've not experienced anything like it before and it happens unexpectedly. Talking to OP as if she's stupid when she's asked for help is pointless and just plain nasty.
EasyOnTheEye · 07/03/2022 22:24

it’s more to do with putting pressure on the sides of the neck which gives you a slightly dizzy feeling that makes sex feel different.

It will certainly make you feel different. Because it's pressing on your carotid artery. It could cause a stroke or brain damage.

blameless · 07/03/2022 22:27

@givingupchocolatemonday

I don't think Mumsnet is the place to ask this question... to me it's normal! Just a 'kink' some people have. Doesn't mean he wanted to strangle and kill you. PP are very dramatic.
I think it absolutely IS the place to ask the question.

He may not want to kill someone, but if he's been drinking and has reasonable strength, he could.

187mob · 07/03/2022 22:29

@IsThisNormalOr

Thanks everyone. I'm going to send him a message explaining that it was unacceptable and block him on everything. He's pretty well built, a boxer. So it's scary to think what could of happened had it gone too far.
Tbh I wouldn’t even bother explaining. You don’t owe him any explanation, you don’t even know each other like that. Just tell him you don’t feel like you’re compatible, have a nice life and keep it moving. You deserve better than someone who thinks it’s okay to do something like this without asking for your permission and consent beforehand.
rainbowmash · 07/03/2022 22:29

@EasyOnTheEye

it’s more to do with putting pressure on the sides of the neck which gives you a slightly dizzy feeling that makes sex feel different.

It will certainly make you feel different. Because it's pressing on your carotid artery. It could cause a stroke or brain damage.

Really irresponsible to give this kind of advice so casually when a) the OP is asking about an attack from someone who didn't get consent and b) I've been doing this for years and even I don't consider myself experienced to go this far.
viques · 07/03/2022 22:29

@IsThisNormalOr

Thanks for the comments everyone. I think I would be able to tell him that it wasn't ok, but I doubt I'll be seeing him again after reading all these comments! I'm fairly inexperienced. He seemed really nice and normal and I was hoping that it was just because we were both so wasted.
Sounds as though you are lucky he was just on the right side of wasted to be able to stop strangling you.
MadForBurpees · 07/03/2022 22:30

I'm probably really old fashioned - late 50s - but isn't getting drunk with a man you don't know and sleeping with him pretty fucking risky in itself? Never mind the choking?

And he wants to see you again? I bet he does.

AHungryCaterpillar · 07/03/2022 22:34

Just came on to say yes men do like this too for those saying they don’t, I remember my ex telling me he met someone else and what he liked about her is she put her hands round his throat and he found it a massive turn on! Yes weird for him to tell me 😒 I found it odd but just to say some men like it too for all those saying no man likes this

catwomando · 07/03/2022 22:35

@nightwakingmoon agree with you 100%. Sadly.

nightwakingmoon · 07/03/2022 22:35

One of the reasons it’s so terrifying is that for the people who are into bdsm etc. they clam it’s all about the “feeling” (as above), but for the men watching porn and coming to associate it with being a turn on, it’s not about “breath play” or whatever, but normally part of the slapping, and “rough sex”, and other porn stuff like ejaculating on women’s faces and slapping their dicks on women’s cheeks, and other visual shows of male dominance.

And basically, to boil it right down to the essentials, it’s men getting off on roleplaying the look of a woman being killed while they are orgasming.

That’s what it essentially is, and none of the fannying around about “oh some people like it safe words blah” stuff makes any difference to the fact that the men in pork and watching porn aren’t experiencing erotic asphyxiation, they’re acting out women being violently dominated and this is turning them on.

nightwakingmoon · 07/03/2022 22:37

Porn not pork!!! 🤦‍♀️

givingupchocolatemonday · 07/03/2022 22:37

[quote wingscrow]@givingupchocolatemonday
''I don't think Mumsnet is the place to ask this question...
to me it's normal! Just a 'kink' some people have. Doesn't mean he wanted to strangle and kill you. PP are very dramatic.''

Pathetic and missing the point entirely...

Responsible people who are into Kink/BDSM understand that obtaining consent first in key and that you should discuss limits/boundaries/safe words before you engage in this type of sexual activities/''play''.

To do something like this out of blue to someone you have just met is not acceptable.

She knows nothing about this man, and neither do you, so you have no way of knowing whether he is actually dangerous or not.

The safest thing to do is for the OP to avoid a repeat and stop seeing him because if anything he has already shown that he lacks respect for his partners and does not care about boundaries.[/quote]
Sex is about having fun.
Someone's hands lightly on your neck for several seconds is not dangerous or criminal. No harm has been done. If OP said there was immense pressure and he had a look of Damian in his eyes then ok but OO said nothing else was off.

When you sleep with someone for the first time without knowing them (no judgement here) there is often a 'what was that about' moment. Good or bad.

If the title read 'hands around neck is it weird that I like it?' There wouldn't be as many people telling Op to run for the hills and block the guy

Chonfox · 07/03/2022 22:37

Porn sick for sure. A worrying red flag. Many people enjoy it but a decent man would never attempt it on a first date. Run a mile.

Gotajobthrunepotism · 07/03/2022 22:38

Nope nope nope!!! I couldn’t imagine doing that even with my husband who I trust with my life! And I think he’d recoil at the very idea of it in case he hurt me. Sounds like he’s been watching too much porn

BurbageBrook · 07/03/2022 22:38

It’s a porn thing. Doesn’t make it OK, obviously, but it’s sadly extremely common.

CushionSpiral · 07/03/2022 22:38

Sorry you’re upset, but really good that you posted and asked.
It’s never ever normal unless pre discussed and consensual and boundaries and safe words etc. And even then it’s always always dangerous and a risk of serious stroke.
But on a first date without permission? That’s not just rd flag stuff that’s flags on fire with fireworks.
You if you felt up to it could discuss it with some of the rape charities or report him to the police.

Angliski · 07/03/2022 22:39

Have you brought it up with him? Worth asking the question. I find that younger men, brought up on porn, can assume this is part of the gig. They usually ask though..

CushionSpiral · 07/03/2022 22:41

@Angliski

Have you brought it up with him? Worth asking the question. I find that younger men, brought up on porn, can assume this is part of the gig. They usually ask though..
Nope. No engaging in dialogue, making it normal. It seriously isn’t.
DespairingHomeowner · 07/03/2022 22:42

@IsThisNormalOr

Thanks everyone. I'm going to send him a message explaining that it was unacceptable and block him on everything. He's pretty well built, a boxer. So it's scary to think what could of happened had it gone too far.
Good decision
CupcakesAndCastles · 07/03/2022 22:42

I quite like choking…..does this mean I’m not normal?

Obviously OP it should be thoroughly discussed first and boundaries set.