Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Choking during sex, is this normal

635 replies

IsThisNormalOr · 07/03/2022 21:15

I went on a date last night and we ended up getting drunk and having sex. Everything was fine and I was enjoying it but at one point when he was on top of me he put his hands around my neck for a few seconds (not hard, and then he stopped and we switched positions) I didn't say anything. Is this normal? I've never experienced it before. We got on well and he wants to see me again...

OP posts:
Original poster
IsThisNormalOr · 07/03/2022 21:54

Thanks everyone. I actually feel quite upset reading all these comments

OP posts:
LowlandLucky · 07/03/2022 21:55

i will get shot down for this but hey ho. If you have no idea who you are having sex with you can't be shocked when they do something you are not comfortable with.

Yellownightmare · 07/03/2022 21:55

Fuck no! Massive red flag. Especially when it wasn't discussed in advance.

steff13 · 07/03/2022 21:56

This was the first time you were together and he did this without discussing it beforehand. That's a red flag from me. And potentially a punch in the face for him if he had done it to me.

What if you'd been assaulted in the past and strangled and were triggered by that? Not asking first is wrong.

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/03/2022 21:57

@LowlandLucky

i will get shot down for this but hey ho. If you have no idea who you are having sex with you can't be shocked when they do something you are not comfortable with.
The OP wasn’t asking that though was she? She was asking if people thought it was normal.

But you thought you’d get in a bitchy comment.. just because.. you like kicking someone for the sake of it?

Supersimkin2 · 07/03/2022 21:59

No.

Sadists get off on it.

Nocutenamesleft · 07/03/2022 22:00

@nightwakingmoon

It’s practically in every single porn video, including the “vanilla” ones and lesbian ones now. I find it disgusting and an instant turn off, but of course (obviously) it’s not normal and never has been, despite being everywhere in porn now.

It’s a massive red flag for me — strangulation is also a huge red flag in domestic violence, and it’s terrifying to see it cross into “mainstream” porn and sex, because it’s basically normalising something which in any other context would be one of the biggest red flags going for seriously abusive and lethally dangerous male violence. The fact that it’s become such a thing these days is a really terrifying reminder of how male violence is totally normalised in society. And even for those who enjoy it there is no genuinely safe way to do it without risking suffocation, no matter what the BDSM enthusiasts say.

I really feel that women en masse need to inform young women that this isn’t normal or okay, and they shouldn’t feel they have to go along with it.

There is a massive trend in the current younger generation to normalise “rough” or violent sex with some nasty power differential “games”. I’m not convinced young women really mostly enjoy this, or that it’s a trend that’s good for women and girls. Loving enjoyable mutual sex doesn’t for the most part roleplay violence and domination; and what used to be a niche interest is increasingly being sold to young women as just what you have to do to please a man during sex. I feel really sad for them tbh.

So I’m a humourless feminist who isn’t “kink positive”. So bite me (figuratively not literally, obvs Grin)

This!

I read a recent study. Which said that younger generation are finding that even when they lose their virginity. Men are using violence because they’ve watched porn and that’s all they know

Violence is becoming mainstream and we wonder why women are being attacked more and more.

It needs to stop.

Pinkbonbon · 07/03/2022 22:00

Oh fuck no.
The first time you have sex?! And without having had a discussion about it with you first? Game over. Run for the bloody hills.

limitedperiodonly · 07/03/2022 22:01

@BobMortimersPetOwl

Yes it's relatively common.

For me, the key thing would be how he'd respond to being told no.

And if he ignored you and carried on what would be your next move in this commonplace scenario?
UKRAINEwearewithyou · 07/03/2022 22:01

no.

tigerbird · 07/03/2022 22:01

@Beepboop5

“Choking” during sex isn’t about stopping the other person from breathing it’s more to do with putting pressure on the sides of the neck which gives you a slightly dizzy feeling that makes sex feel different.

If done carefully between two consenting adults with prior agreement there is nothing wrong with it.
And for people saying that they bet no straight man would want this done to them you are wrong.

However ! What this man did was very wrong and he will definitely know it too.

That dizzy feeling is from the blood vessel compression in the neck - it can cause a blood clot or damage in the blood vessel, or a stroke, even if you don’t actually intend to stop someone breathing.

Anyone who tells you it’s safe is simply lying.

Readyforspring · 07/03/2022 22:01

A male family member went on a few dates. They ended up sleeping with each other. Half way she was asking him to strangle her. He was do weirded out he said he jumped out of bed and got dressed. Never heard from her again. She obviously was consenting but for him was too weird and dangerous.
Its not normal unless both ' into it '

Darbs76 · 07/03/2022 22:01

I would not be comfortable with this at all, not in a new relationship. If people want to do that in a consensual relationship great, but when you’ve just met someone, hell no, I’d be petrified

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/03/2022 22:02

Sorry you are upset by the comments OP.

Honestly don’t worry about it, weird things happen in bed as in life.

But even mild choking with out asking permission and getting very clear consent is an absolute no. If he generally seemed alright, I would feed back to him that this is not OK. And then block rather than get into a debate.

givingupchocolatemonday · 07/03/2022 22:02

I don't think Mumsnet is the place to ask this question...
to me it's normal! Just a 'kink' some people have. Doesn't mean he wanted to strangle and kill you. PP are very dramatic.

lisaandalan · 07/03/2022 22:02

Weirdo.

user1471448866 · 07/03/2022 22:03

I can’t believe how many people are saying this is normal now. Genuine question (as someone on the wrong side of 50) but is this something that happens both ways or is it only women that are choked by men ? -

whysoserious123 · 07/03/2022 22:04

CONSENT IS AN ABSOLUTE MUST

Norgie · 07/03/2022 22:04

It depends on what you were eating at the time OP.
Joking aside though, no it's not normal. Unless you've discussed these practices prior to having sex, then you need to walk away and quickly.
No bloke worth his salt would put his hands to a woman's neck, or try to intimate anything else which strays from the norms without discussing it first to ensure that his partner is happy with it.

187mob · 07/03/2022 22:04

Don’t be upset, OP. You did the right thing coming here and asking the question. It’s what you do with the answers that matters most now.

lovescaca · 07/03/2022 22:04

My partner does this to me, but wev been together for 16yrs and both very comfortable with it. I only need to put my hand up to my neck and he will stop.

Original poster
IsThisNormalOr · 07/03/2022 22:05

@187mob

Don’t be upset, OP. You did the right thing coming here and asking the question. It’s what you do with the answers that matters most now.
Thank you

I won't see him again

OP posts:
Yellownightmare · 07/03/2022 22:06

@givingupchocolatemonday

I don't think Mumsnet is the place to ask this question... to me it's normal! Just a 'kink' some people have. Doesn't mean he wanted to strangle and kill you. PP are very dramatic.
How the hell do you know? There may be people who see this as a kink. It could also be a red flag about this particular man. Even people who enjoy this have said it should involve prior discussion and consent.

You're downplaying it. It's not others being dramatic.

Lovelteers · 07/03/2022 22:07

No it’s not. But more to the point it made you uncomfortable.
Sex is supposed to be fun, enjoyable, intimate not something that leaves you uncertain, or worried

FloraPostePosts · 07/03/2022 22:07

@givingupchocolatemonday

I don't think Mumsnet is the place to ask this question... to me it's normal! Just a 'kink' some people have. Doesn't mean he wanted to strangle and kill you. PP are very dramatic.
So… it’s okay for him to like strangling women, whether or not the woman involved likes it?

How did he know that the OP ‘liked’ it , since he didn’t ask her?

If you mean that it’s a ‘kink’ that he likes, then perhaps you should ask yourself what a man enjoys about strangling women, since doing so changes nothing in his feelings.