Choking during sex, is this normal

[IsThisNormalOr]

I went on a date last night and we ended up getting drunk and having sex. Everything was fine and I was enjoying it but at one point when he was on top of me he put his hands around my neck for a few seconds (not hard, and then he stopped and we switched positions) I didn't say anything. Is this normal? I've never experienced it before. We got on well and he wants to see me again...

Yes it's relatively common.

For me, the key thing would be how he'd respond to being told no.

@BobMortimersPetOwl

Yes it's relatively common.

For me, the key thing would be how he'd respond to being told no.

He shouldn’t need to be told no. He should ask first.

Pissed or not that’s completely unacceptable.

No it’s not at all normal

No, it's not normal.

And you should be asking yourself - where did he get the idea from to do this? The answer is, of course, porn. Is a man who watches porn and lifts ideas from it to try out on women without their consent - is that the sort of man you want anywhere near you? A man who finds it exciting to put his hands round a woman's throat and squeeze?

Having done it to you once without you saying anything, he'll not think twice to do it again. Probably for longer. You could tell him not to do that to you ever again. Chances are he'll then tell you it's completely normal and try to pressure you into consenting, because in his little pornworld it is presented as entirely normal (it still isn't normal).

Personally I'd run a mile.

Gosh that would’ve proper freaked me out, this sort of sexual stuff requires trust and a prior conversation/ safe words etc.

You don’t do that to someone on a first date. 🚩

No!!!
Absolutely not normal unless both parties agree, and even then it’s extremely risky.

Please don’t think this is normal, “ Out of the blue” it isn’t .

It’s fine if YOU asked for it

Hmm not on the first date, no. If you’re in a loving relationship and it’s been discussed beforehand, tried and tested then fine but no, if someone did this to me on a first date I’d run a mile.

It’s a red flag imo. I know some people are into that sort of thing but to do that with no prior conversation and agreement is completely not acceptable.

No it's not normal it's rough sex

Why is everything attributed to porn?

Not all people who enjoy kinky sex are sleazebags who spend their evenings wanking off to some busty blonde.

Tell him outright you don't like it, and judge him by his reaction. Then you should decide what to do with him, be it leave him or otherwise.

This happened to me when I was dating someone, first time we DTD he put his hands around my neck, I totally freaked out and had a go at him, apparently he thought all women enjoyed it, I think it’s something done a lot in porn, I explained that it’s not the done thing….not without asking first. It’s bloody dangerous and people have died from it.

It’s not ok to do anything like this without asking first.

@Whatthefuck3456

Sounds like fun to me I’d definitely do second date

Lol ffs 🤣🤣

I'd ask him up front if he watches a lot of porn and if he got the idea to put his hands on your throat from that and that's not real life sex, it's fantasy sex and he has to ask to do something like that and you're not into it at all.

I have read a few comments from young men in a different forum say they didn't realise women didn't like this and thought all women wanted to be choked, slapped etc because that was all they knew from watching porn.

What a crazy world we live in. I hate porn. I hate it so much with a vengeance.

Turned so many of our young men into sex-obsessed rapey/abusey nutters and ruined a 100 plus years of female empowerment. Where will it end? They get to have their cake and eat it every single fucking day leaving normal honest women feeling inadequate and insecure and unsafe. No wonder the birth rate is dropping like a stone. Maybe that's no bad thing.

@Somebodylikeyew

I think it’s become more normalised in recent years, but I also think any decent man would know to check first.

Would you feel able to say “Hey, that wasn’t ok” to him?

Yes, a gentleman always asks before he chokes.

Seriously, though, I’m another one wondering why it’s always women on the receiving end. I can’t imagine why enjoying being choked is so much more prevalent among one sex. It’s seen as a kink for men who like the sensation of being choked, but increasingly part of the standard sexual repertoire for women.

“Choking” during sex isn’t about stopping the other person from breathing it’s more to do with putting pressure on the sides of the neck which gives you a slightly dizzy feeling that makes sex feel different.

If done carefully between two consenting adults with prior agreement there is nothing wrong with it.
And for people saying that they bet no straight man would want this done to them you are wrong.

However ! What this man did was very wrong and he will definitely know it too.

No it is not normal to want to choke someone or to simulate choking. It's horrible and porn fuelled. It's not abnormal for someone to put their hand against your throat briefly, caressing it, but no more than that.

@oioimatey

Why is everything attributed to porn?

Not all people who enjoy kinky sex are sleazebags who spend their evenings wanking off to some busty blonde.

Tell him outright you don't like it, and judge him by his reaction. Then you should decide what to do with him, be it leave him or otherwise.

We're not talking about 'busty blondes'. We are talking about the fact that violent and degrading acts, such as choking and spitting, have become completely normalised in 'mainstream' porn - evidently to the extent that blokes now think its appropriate to do it on a first date.

@SunshineCake1

Block. Delete. Learn some boundaries and self esteem.

First time in bed and he thinks that is okay to do. Fucking hell.

^ this. The big big red flag is no discussion and the very first date

You don’t know or trust each other: what else does he think you will put up with?

Huge red flag

Recently there was a celebrity who liked chocking. Rape play etc. And cannibalism. (Or so it was said). But you CANNOT DO THESE THINGS WITHOUT PRIOR DISCUSSION!

And you MUST have a safe word. Without a safe word it is NOT CONSENSUAL!

Just in caps because ladies. It is so so so so important.

If anyone needs to talk about anything my inbox is always open.

Not normal to do so without discussing first.

If done carefully between two consenting adults with prior agreement there is nothing wrong with it.

Apart from the fact that it can cause real harm or even kill. There is no safe way to put pressure on the neck.

@IsThisNormalOr

Thanks for the comments everyone. I think I would be able to tell him that it wasn't ok, but I doubt I'll be seeing him again after reading all these comments! I'm fairly inexperienced. He seemed really nice and normal and I was hoping that it was just because we were both so wasted.

Doesn't matter - that just means that every time he has a couple of drinks, you won't be able to trust him. So you'll have to be stone cold sober just in case.

Listen to your instinct that led you to post here. It felt wrong. Because you were at that moment, in danger.

It’s practically in every single porn video, including the “vanilla” ones and lesbian ones now. I find it disgusting and an instant turn off, but of course (obviously) it’s not normal and never has been, despite being everywhere in porn now.

It’s a massive red flag for me — strangulation is also a huge red flag in domestic violence, and it’s terrifying to see it cross into “mainstream” porn and sex, because it’s basically normalising something which in any other context would be one of the biggest red flags going for seriously abusive and lethally dangerous male violence. The fact that it’s become such a thing these days is a really terrifying reminder of how male violence is totally normalised in society. And even for those who enjoy it there is no genuinely safe way to do it without risking suffocation, no matter what the BDSM enthusiasts say.

I really feel that women en masse need to inform young women that this isn’t normal or okay, and they shouldn’t feel they have to go along with it.

There is a massive trend in the current younger generation to normalise “rough” or violent sex with some nasty power differential “games”. I’m not convinced young women really mostly enjoy this, or that it’s a trend that’s good for women and girls. Loving enjoyable mutual sex doesn’t for the most part roleplay violence and domination; and what used to be a niche interest is increasingly being sold to young women as just what you have to do to please a man during sex. I feel really sad for them tbh.

So I’m a humourless feminist who isn’t “kink positive”. So bite me (figuratively not literally, obvs )