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Choking during sex, is this normal

635 replies

IsThisNormalOr · 07/03/2022 21:15

I went on a date last night and we ended up getting drunk and having sex. Everything was fine and I was enjoying it but at one point when he was on top of me he put his hands around my neck for a few seconds (not hard, and then he stopped and we switched positions) I didn't say anything. Is this normal? I've never experienced it before. We got on well and he wants to see me again...

OP posts:
nightwakingmoon · 10/03/2022 21:24

Honey, I get it, I too spent far too much money in Agent Provocateur back in the day. Just don’t kid yourself that it’s out of some kind of progressive politics.

Men increasingly getting off to violent hardcore porn and images of violently assaulting women is not some kind of feminist liberation, much as mainstream society may like to pretend it is all just a little bit of fun.

bluesberry · 10/03/2022 21:30

@nightwakingmoon

Honey, I get it, I too spent far too much money in Agent Provocateur back in the day. Just don’t kid yourself that it’s out of some kind of progressive politics.

Men increasingly getting off to violent hardcore porn and images of violently assaulting women is not some kind of feminist liberation, much as mainstream society may like to pretend it is all just a little bit of fun.

I am grateful for the changes in society that allowed for those classes to be a thing. I am just saddened that it seems like when us women do get to make our own choices we are told "no, no, not that, you're making the wrong choice"!!

Men getting off to violent hardcore porn can absolutely be problematic. I do not disagree with that at all.
But that does not change the fact that it is sometimes women who have certain kinks and who specifically ask for them and enjoy them within a healthy sexual relationship.

AlisonDonut · 10/03/2022 21:58

One of my hobbies is burlesque.

Of course it would be. So cool and edgy.

nightwakingmoon · 10/03/2022 22:00

Bluesberry - it’s either extraordinarily naive or extraordinarily disingenuous to compare the local ladies’ burlesque group to the increasing violence and misogyny of hardcore porn. Can’t you see that? It only makes you sound very naive and not very knowledgeable about what’s out there on the internet if that’s what you think.

A few years ago on this board a woman who was an anti-porn activist posted a series of links about some of the material she was campaigning against (with suitable warnings). I took a look and honestly I wished I hadn’t. The extreme violence that’s out there - very easily found - men strangling women who were clearly drugged, learning disabled, even very clearly highly abused; men abusing female amputees; men seriously degrading very young women - really extreme violence. I thought I was actually going to vomit afterwards, it was so distressing and evil.

It’s been creeping into mainstream porn for a while now, and it’s getting everywhere, and whatever the BDSM enthusiasts say about consent, the entire point in most porn is for it to visually look like there’s no consent.

This simply wasn’t in the culture twenty years ago, and yes women could still do light BDSM and dress up sexily, but there simply wasn’t the same widespread culture of male violence in relation to sex.

None of us are complaining about women dressing up in a bit of lingerie or liking the odd light spank. We’re complaining that men and young women are increasingly culturally groomed to expect a degrading, violent, dangerous culture around sex which is the very opposite of true sexual liberation for women.

No one, absolutely no one, will convince me that hardcore porn in the form it currently exists today is anything other than the most horrendous social evil. Yes, it’s possible to imagine pornography and a sexual culture that is liberating and equal. What we currently have is not it, and men strangling women without consent as a mainstream part of sex is definitely not it.

HRTQueen · 10/03/2022 22:06

Oh give over with respecting women’s choices and real feminism nonsense

What we are discussing is a dangerous act and not normalising this

It’s absolute stupidity to normalise preventing oxygen getting to the brain as safe and enjoyable

When Michael Hutchence died vast majority of people thought wtf was he doing but now thanks to porn it’s being normalised with claims it can be done safely. The porn industry is driven by male desire let’s not pretend it’s not

Unforgettablefire · 10/03/2022 22:10

@nightwakingmoon

Bluesberry - it’s either extraordinarily naive or extraordinarily disingenuous to compare the local ladies’ burlesque group to the increasing violence and misogyny of hardcore porn. Can’t you see that? It only makes you sound very naive and not very knowledgeable about what’s out there on the internet if that’s what you think.

A few years ago on this board a woman who was an anti-porn activist posted a series of links about some of the material she was campaigning against (with suitable warnings). I took a look and honestly I wished I hadn’t. The extreme violence that’s out there - very easily found - men strangling women who were clearly drugged, learning disabled, even very clearly highly abused; men abusing female amputees; men seriously degrading very young women - really extreme violence. I thought I was actually going to vomit afterwards, it was so distressing and evil.

It’s been creeping into mainstream porn for a while now, and it’s getting everywhere, and whatever the BDSM enthusiasts say about consent, the entire point in most porn is for it to visually look like there’s no consent.

This simply wasn’t in the culture twenty years ago, and yes women could still do light BDSM and dress up sexily, but there simply wasn’t the same widespread culture of male violence in relation to sex.

None of us are complaining about women dressing up in a bit of lingerie or liking the odd light spank. We’re complaining that men and young women are increasingly culturally groomed to expect a degrading, violent, dangerous culture around sex which is the very opposite of true sexual liberation for women.

No one, absolutely no one, will convince me that hardcore porn in the form it currently exists today is anything other than the most horrendous social evil. Yes, it’s possible to imagine pornography and a sexual culture that is liberating and equal. What we currently have is not it, and men strangling women without consent as a mainstream part of sex is definitely not it.

My god. I must have had a sheltered life this is horrific how is it legal??
ScreamingBeans · 10/03/2022 22:16

@LowlandLucky

i will get shot down for this but hey ho. If you have no idea who you are having sex with you can't be shocked when they do something you are not comfortable with.
Actually you can.

I was very promiscuous when i was young, I fucked around a lot with men I really didn't know from Adam. Not once did I expect or experience a man doing something to me during consensual sex, that hurt, humiliated or scared me or was potentially dangerous to me.

Not once. Men simply didn't do these things as a norm, when I was young. Because they hadn't all been addled by porn.

AlisonDonut · 10/03/2022 22:18

My god. I must have had a sheltered life this is horrific how is it legal??

Currently the biggest rise in porn uploads are Ukrainian women being raped. Next thing, we'll hear about how women really enjoy being tortured in the ice and snow, it is all their own free will and some men really like it too so it must be liberating.

ScreamingBeans · 10/03/2022 22:19

@givingupchocolatemonday

I don't think Mumsnet is the place to ask this question... to me it's normal! Just a 'kink' some people have. Doesn't mean he wanted to strangle and kill you. PP are very dramatic.
You don't need to want to strangle and kill someone, to do so.

It's really, really easy for a man to kill a woman by strangling them.

HRTQueen · 10/03/2022 22:20

Men didn’t pester you for anal either

Now sadly it seems once again a normal thing that all women absolutely love and even better if they can get you to suck them off after

The same with deep throating

Sex has become so degrading towards women thanks to porn

ScreamingBeans · 10/03/2022 22:21

@AlisonDonut

My god. I must have had a sheltered life this is horrific how is it legal??

Currently the biggest rise in porn uploads are Ukrainian women being raped. Next thing, we'll hear about how women really enjoy being tortured in the ice and snow, it is all their own free will and some men really like it too so it must be liberating.

And you'll get some women whose first experiences of sex will be that and who will have internalised the male model of what sex should be so successfully, that they will get off on it.

Then they'll normalise it and talk about as long as it's consensual...

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 10/03/2022 22:48

There is a ruddy great cavernous space between dancing around in a skimpy outfit, playing with a feather boa and doing a cheeky little striptease and STRANGLING WOMEN.

A women's dance group feeling all sensual and empowered is not the same as women being choked, hit, spat at, slapped and degraded in hardcore porn, which is all now easily accessible, especially by young men. Who think this is all normal for sex. Who become desensitised to it as time goes on, and seek out more extreme forms. Who want to act out these extreme forms with women they meet in real life. Not actresses with camera crews and a director who can call out "cut!" Real women, real harm.

nightwakingmoon · 10/03/2022 22:53

My god. I must have had a sheltered life this is horrific how is it legal??

Much porn these days is “amateur” uploaded porn from anywhere, not even from the porn industry. People can upload and circulate almost anything - not just on sites like Pornhub or Youporn but on tumblr, Discord servers etc.; and even if it gets deleted by a site it’s been in circulation and others will have copied and downloaded it. There’s plenty of stuff out there that skirts the borders of legality.

But the mainstream porn sites are completely full of categories that degrade women, and even in front page videos that look fairly vanilla they’re full of anal, choking, etc., and just the full run of the usual degrading stuff eg. “banging my teen stepdaughter who loves anal” and so on.

Most women just don’t spend much time looking at any of this, so have no idea what’s out there that the average man (and teenage boy) is looking at.

Most older women aren’t using youth social media sites much either, so haven’t much of a sense of how easily some of this stuff can be found via porn bots infiltrating your feed or inbox and so on. On some social media platforms, even if you delete the unwanted porn stuff, you’ve still seen it in order to delete it! And despite sites like Tumblr trying to purge the bots every so often, they still pop up.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 10/03/2022 22:58

@nightwakingmoon - thanks for your contributions on this thread.

@bluesberry - with every post your write, especially in regards to the latest (burlesque classes of all irrelevance), your losing more and more credibility on this topic.

ScreamingBeans · 10/03/2022 22:59

Much porn these days is “amateur” uploaded porn from anywhere, not even from the porn industry.

And of course, the porn industry produces masses of "amateur" looking porn. Most amateur porn is actually professional porn made to look amateur.

bluesberry · 10/03/2022 23:02

@nightwakingmoon
I wasn't comparing burlesque to hardcore pornography.

As feminism had briefly been mentioned, I just provided an example of how I have felt attacked in the past by some people who call themselves feminists...and how when women give reasons for enjoying things or why they like it or choose it they are ignored and told they are making the wrong choices.

Yes, it’s possible to imagine pornography and a sexual culture that is liberating and equal. What we currently have is not it, and men strangling women without consent as a mainstream part of sex is definitely not it.

To be clear, I 100% do not condone men strangling women without consent. While I like choking, if a man tried to do that to me without consent, I would stop him, stop the sex, and tell him in future he should seek consent, that not all women like it, that many women have suffered trauma and could be triggered, and even for those who haven't they could still be triggered, that men can be scary and intimidating and a woman is always vulnerable when in bed with a man, especially if she does not know him that well.

I would judge a man harshly for doing things like that without consent, because for all he knows he HAS caused sexual trauma to women...and I would not be afraid to tell him so!!

nightwakingmoon · 10/03/2022 23:08

[quote HoneyItIsntGoodLuck]@nightwakingmoon - thanks for your contributions on this thread.

@bluesberry - with every post your write, especially in regards to the latest (burlesque classes of all irrelevance), your losing more and more credibility on this topic.[/quote]
I really wish most of what I’ve written on this thread wasn’t true though.

I don’t think the “oh I like kink” posters really appreciate that women aren’t horrified by all of this just because they’re dreadful pearl clutching prudes; but because we really do see a huge negative change in the culture and can see the damage it’s doing.

The thought of my little daughter, who I love so very much, having to face all of this in just a few years time, makes me just so sad. Some of the things I’ve seen in hardcore porn have shocked and horrified me, and I fervently wish my daughter would never have to see anything like that. The thought of her seeing, or someone showing her stuff like that while she’s a young teenager is absolutely horrifying to me. And I feel for all the young women who haven’t ever known a culture without it, or the excitement of learning about sex in a genuinely loving and erotic way.

HRTQueen · 10/03/2022 23:09

Not all feminists agree

Burlesque is meant to be outlandish and provocative ….

bluesberry · 10/03/2022 23:10

@HoneyItIsntGoodLuck

That's just your opinion. I noticed your only contribution was to say that choking is so great

that no men ever want to be choked. Only women.

Which is a completely false statement! so I'm not too bothered by your opinion on my credibility!!

ScreamingBeans · 10/03/2022 23:11

@HRTQueen

Not all feminists agree

Burlesque is meant to be outlandish and provocative ….

I've been told burlesque is just stripping for fat lasses.

Sorry, I'll get my coat.

springtimeishereagain · 10/03/2022 23:12

@IsThisNormalOr - you are fabulous! Go, you! 💐

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 10/03/2022 23:25

The thought of my little daughter, who I love so very much, having to face all of this in just a few years time, makes me just so sad. Some of the things I’ve seen in hardcore porn have shocked and horrified me, and I fervently wish my daughter would never have to see anything like that. The thought of her seeing, or someone showing her stuff like that while she’s a young teenager is absolutely horrifying to me. And I feel for all the young women who haven’t ever known a culture without it, or the excitement of learning about sex in a genuinely loving and erotic way.

Exactly this.

I wonder if some of the choking proponents on here have daughters.

Again, I refer back to the Grace Millane murder - I’m a Kiwi, so of course it was big news here. What struck me so much was her Mum, Gillian. The absolute trauma and pain etched into her face throughout the trial, and what she now has to live out every day.

I am terrified for my daughter - and the world she is going out into. I try to tell myself that there are lots of good men out there (I’m surrounded by them, after all). But they’re good men of my generation - 40-somethings, raised before violent, misogynistic porn became so widespread and readily available.

Young women are being conditioned to normalise this porn in a way that my generation of women weren’t.

It honestly is terrifying to me. Not for me, but the the girls coming after us.

AlisonDonut · 11/03/2022 04:54

I would judge a man harshly for doing things like that without consent, because for all he knows he HAS caused sexual trauma to women...and I would not be afraid to tell him so!!

From beyond the grave? You are so very clever to be able to stop a man killing you if only the dead women could have had your insight! Just tell them not to strangle you...genius!!!

bluesberry · 11/03/2022 05:38

@AlisonDonut

I would judge a man harshly for doing things like that without consent, because for all he knows he HAS caused sexual trauma to women...and I would not be afraid to tell him so!!

From beyond the grave? You are so very clever to be able to stop a man killing you if only the dead women could have had your insight! Just tell them not to strangle you...genius!!!

I am not talking about men who MURDER women. Don't be so stupid.

It is extremely rare for someone to accidentally strange someone to death. The vast majority of the time it is intentional, or the man murders the woman while trying to rape her or assault her to shut her up.

What the woman did or didn't consent to before or during the act is irrelevant to murderers!!

I am clearly talking about men who do it during sex...the post I responded to said and men strangling women without consent as a mainstream part of sex is definitely not it.

I am not talking about murderers and rapists etc. A womans kinks or lack of kinks are completely irrelevant if they end up in bed with one of those guys.

A woman giving consent to a kink does not cause a switch to flip which causes a man to murder her. He does it because he wants to.

I have never ever implied anything of the sort to say that women could have stopped themselves being murdered by telling men not to strange them.

Stop twisting my words by ignoring the context!!

AlisonDonut · 11/03/2022 05:54

What the woman did or didn't consent to before or during the act is irrelevant to murderers!!

Jesus wept. So you are not aware of this murder get out clause becoming more and more popular on murder charges then? The old 'sex gone wrong, she consented to being strangled honest guv' line?

Nobody is trying to police your particular orgasms love. But pretending that strangulation is normal - no. If you feel the need to vanilla, cardigan or pearl clutch us, I don't care. What I care about is more and more women and girls being hurt because the norm is shifting ever toward more and more violent sex.