Choking during sex, is this normal

[IsThisNormalOr]

I went on a date last night and we ended up getting drunk and having sex. Everything was fine and I was enjoying it but at one point when he was on top of me he put his hands around my neck for a few seconds (not hard, and then he stopped and we switched positions) I didn't say anything. Is this normal? I've never experienced it before. We got on well and he wants to see me again...

There does seem to be an assumption that women who say they enjoy kink must also automatically be looking down on those who don't and think they are boring prudes. It's a weird assumption. I don't judge people for enjoying it or not.

cool girls

If using "vanilla" "boring" or "prude" to describe people who don't have kinks/fetishes in their sex lives is not OK (and I agree), why is calling those that do "cool girls" fine?

Nothing much about your post is normal

@HRTQueen

It’s not normal it’s risk taking

If someone feels shame about calling it what it is that is for them to deal with

It should not be considered normal to prevent oxygen reaching your brain

As for the cool girls of course many women have been coerced into pleasing men on a site for women I would expect this to be acknowledged not denied

Many of us will have done things for men in our 20’s that we would not consider in our 40’s as we are more confident in ourselves again shouldn’t be denied

And there certainly is sneering from many into BSM and other practices at so called vanilla sex (which is a ridiculous term in itself)

I don't feel shame about it. I feel angry that women tell others they 'need help' for it. Telling people they need help is aggressive and inflammatory and has long been used as an insult.

Totally agree that as people get more confident in themselves they are more likely not to go along with things they don't like...but the other side of that is more confidence means that women ask for things they do want too, which for some women is choking! then they are told their kinks are wrong, they don't really like them, they want to be a cool girl, they're x, y and z. It's insulting to women for people to say they don't know their own minds. Grown women who know exactly what they enjoy about their own sex lives being insulted for that by other women!! It's wrong!

Vanilla is wonderful. It's often only used in an insult/sneering way if it's used in retaliation to someones kinks being criticised....especially on somewhere like MN.

I would suggest the majority of women do need help

We have had claims on here that it is safe

It’s never ever safe …

My question to any women engaging in this with consent is do you think you are safe

And if the answer is yes then I will suggest they need to educate themselves better

Sadly most will respond yes they are safe

@Vitani

cool girls

If using "vanilla" "boring" or "prude" to describe people who don't have kinks/fetishes in their sex lives is not OK (and I agree), why is calling those that do "cool girls" fine?

Yes totally agree. All too often people ignore the very clearly inflammatory posts/insults and name calling and focus on the responses instead and make out the insults just came out of nowhere or they exist in a vacuum.

Someone says
"I don't have a problem with porn" COOL GIRL
"I like some light choking" COOL GIRL
"I don't have a problem with.../ I enjoy a bit of...." such a cool girl

Totally agree that as people get more confident in themselves they are more likely not to go along with things they don't like...but the other side of that is more confidence means that women ask for things they do want too,

I would agree with this. The assumption sometimes levied at women who engage with kink is that they aren't confident women and don't know themselves, otherwise why the fuck would they be "going along" with it? But the claim that they are all just "going along" with it implies that they don't actually enjoy it. It does belittle these women - "Ah well, you're just a poor little cool girl desperate for male attention, you don't know any better when you've been manipulated into this, one day you will be like Us". Some do go along with it, some are coerced (no denying this), but some also aren't, some are confident and know what they like and ask for it. It's not a black and white issue with one side of women being X and the other side all being Y (whatever insults or characteristics anyone wants to give the other).

There's no excuse for such ignorance in this day and age, you clearly have internet access, educate yourself, plenty of online libraries out there!

My words were harmful you said.

How can I educate myself when my words, which are that strangulation is incredibly dangerous, are, according to you, harmful?

I mean, educate yourself. Isn't that the response of someone with nowhere to go in their argument?

If strangulation becomes the norm, where do you go next? Actual bedroom crucifixion? Crown of thorns for all you sexual martyrs?

All for an orgasm? Cool.

I'm sure some women do genuinely enjoy it, but any woman who goes for men who actually enjoy doing this to o women is walking a very dangerous path. Just think about what kind of men get sexually aroused at choking a woman, at depriving her of her life force, or shutting her up so she can't speak. Behaviours like this are often part of a larger personality type. You want men like that? Ypu're welcome to them! Fewer dubious, twisted, misogynistic, dominating, controlling wackjobs for the rest of us to have to deal with.

Yet again though, all of the “I like choking!” advocates totally missing the point. When men watch porn videos featuring strangling women during sex, they aren’t imagining themselves being the woman and enjoying a little light breath play — they are enjoying being turned on by the visual of a woman being violently dominated, along with the slapping and hair pulling and calling the woman a slut who wants their big cock to split or pound them etc. etc. blah blah.

They aren’t getting off on the thought of enjoying being on the receiving end of rough sex. They’re enjoying watching another man slap and choke a woman — they’re getting turned on by watching a man simulating a violent attack on a woman while he’s having sex with her.

All you “but I love it!” types are spectacularly missing the point, which is that even if a small minority of women might enjoy it, a much larger majority of men are now enjoying watching and then acting out violent sex not for the woman’s enjoyment, but because men are enjoying a simulation of a woman looking like she’s on the verge of a violent death while they and the people in the video are having an orgasm.

You still find that great? You might enjoy a bit of light breath play. The man is orgasming to the visual of you being strangled.

It’s not about you. It’s about huge numbers of men, especially young men growing up seeing wall to walk hardcore kink porn, not being able to see sex as anything other than using, dominating and hurting a woman — and being encouraged to believe women enjoy that. When — whatever you happen to like — most don’t. And most women don’t actually like the idea that men orgasm to visuals of women being hit, strangled, abused, or whatever.

To my absolute horror I saw a video pop up on my feed on a mainstream social media site from a porn bot recently, of a very young looking girl being hung by a rope noose round her neck to restrict her breathing, whilst being slapped, sexually assaulted and dominated by a group of older men, and she wasn’t even acting like she was enjoying it.

I concede that some women might conceivably be into that; but do you think that video is aimed at the very small minority of women who enjoy the far extremes of consensual shibari breath play?

No — the answer is no — we all know it fucking isn’t.

Fewer dubious, twisted, misogynistic, dominating, controlling wackjobs

Unsure on that. My ex wasn't into any kinks like that but he actually treated me worse than my current DP. Ex would refuse to engage in kinks I had that I told him about.

He was a genuinely evil abusive man, but he wasn't into choking in sex, just the normal sex.

What people like in the bedroom doesn't necessarily carry over.

Current DP treats me so much better, no verbal abuse, no horrible fights, no controlling me and telling me I can't see my friends or cutting me off from my family etc. He builds me up, supports me, is kind and caring, is everything I could ask for in a man. He isn't "domineering" or "controlling". The complete polar opposite of the nasty ex. He's never sexually assaulted me either, unlike ex. Besides, he often likes being on the receiving end, so does that make me also domineering and controlling too?

And if you were going to compare each one's views on women, I can tell you it's the ex who is misogynist and will happily express disgusting views about "filthy sketty whores".

Brilliant post! All the numpties trying to say that they enjoy it read that post then go and have a good long hard think about the type of men who would even get off on strangling you and why you think you deserve that. You are damaged even if you dont know it.

@nightwakingmoon was the post I was referring to not the other idiots.

@AlisonDonut

There's no excuse for such ignorance in this day and age, you clearly have internet access, educate yourself, plenty of online libraries out there!

My words were harmful you said.

How can I educate myself when my words, which are that strangulation is incredibly dangerous, are, according to you, harmful?

I mean, educate yourself. Isn't that the response of someone with nowhere to go in their argument?

If strangulation becomes the norm, where do you go next? Actual bedroom crucifixion? Crown of thorns for all you sexual martyrs?

All for an orgasm? Cool.

They are harmful. The words that are harmful are you telling women to "get help".

I meant educate yourself on kink, on womens sexualities, on womens liberation, also educate yourself on the harm caused by telling women they are crazy or need help or what they're thinking is wrong, also while you're at it you should learn how to follow a conversation .

You are the one used the original argument to shut people up " get help". The original woman hating argument.

I said your words were harmful and you knew what I meant and then your only response because YOU had nowhere to go except twist my words was to say Oh dead never mind....

You then twisted my words later in the discussion by saying

*So we are at 'it is harmful to not want women to die of strangulation'.

Top work there 'ladies'. Top work.*

You're the one with nowhere to go!!

@Morla

Fewer dubious, twisted, misogynistic, dominating, controlling wackjobs

Unsure on that. My ex wasn't into any kinks like that but he actually treated me worse than my current DP. Ex would refuse to engage in kinks I had that I told him about.

He was a genuinely evil abusive man, but he wasn't into choking in sex, just the normal sex.

What people like in the bedroom doesn't necessarily carry over.

Current DP treats me so much better, no verbal abuse, no horrible fights, no controlling me and telling me I can't see my friends or cutting me off from my family etc. He builds me up, supports me, is kind and caring, is everything I could ask for in a man. He isn't "domineering" or "controlling". The complete polar opposite of the nasty ex. He's never sexually assaulted me either, unlike ex. Besides, he often likes being on the receiving end, so does that make me also domineering and controlling too?

And if you were going to compare each one's views on women, I can tell you it's the ex who is misogynist and will happily express disgusting views about "filthy sketty whores".

I would say that men who are nasty in relationships aren't necessarily into choking, but I would say that men who are choking fans are very likely to be nasty pieces of work.

Fantasies can be complex and a way for the mind to handle unresolved issues or trauma, but I don't agree with you regarding the sexual behaviour carrying over. This type of over dominance in the bedroom cannot be put into a neat little box and divorced from someone's general personality. I did wonder about this a while ago since I was interested in this topic generally, and I read a study that suggest that behaviours like this in the bedroom are expressed in men's general personalities - that this is the norm, not the exception. If I find that study, I will send it to you.

Your partner likes to be choked? Do you enjoy doing that to him then? Did you have fantasies about choking men before you met him? What is it about this you find titillating?

@nightwakingmoon

👏👏👏👏👏

Ah yes, that old “it’s liberating to women to confirm to a violent male sex fantasy” chestnut.

No, what was liberating to women was getting the vote, legal rights and some money. Not “engaging in a bit of light porny BDSM male violence fantasies with the added thrill of some elevated risk of a blood clot in the brain”.

Now, there’s being a little bit young and overly keen on porn; and then there’s going to some real extremes with the faux liberal Tumblr-fashionable gen Z kink “feminism”. If you’re claiming enjoying being lightly strangled during sex is a matter of women’s liberation, I’m afraid that makes you sound really very inexperienced in the world; and also in dire need of a feminism 101 reading list as well.

@nightwakingmoon
Women choosing what they want is absolutely a matter of womens liberation.

I'll avoid feminism 101 thanks.

One of my hobbies is burlesque. All done for fun, just a class of women enjoying themselves and feeling empowered and maybe a bit sexy because they WANT TO.

The hatred that women who do burlesque receive from some 'feminists' is disgusting. Our reasons for doing it, our own emotions, thoughts, feelings on the matter don't count at all. We are TOLD that we are doing it for men or that we're bad women and all of the other nonsense that they throw out.

Real feminism is about respecting womens choices to do whatever the hell they want to do, whether that's in the bedroom or outside of it!!

[quote bluesberry]@nightwakingmoon
Women choosing what they want is absolutely a matter of womens liberation.

I'll avoid feminism 101 thanks.

One of my hobbies is burlesque. All done for fun, just a class of women enjoying themselves and feeling empowered and maybe a bit sexy because they WANT TO.

The hatred that women who do burlesque receive from some 'feminists' is disgusting. Our reasons for doing it, our own emotions, thoughts, feelings on the matter don't count at all. We are TOLD that we are doing it for men or that we're bad women and all of the other nonsense that they throw out.

Real feminism is about respecting womens choices to do whatever the hell they want to do, whether that's in the bedroom or outside of it!![/quote]
👏👏👏👏👏👏 this!!!

Yeah that argument has been around for donkey’s years. 🤣

The entire point about BDSM and burlesque is that it’s all about the illicit erotic thrill of enjoying your oppression/being the object of the gaze. If it was liberating, there wouldn’t be any thrill to it, would there?

Or do you genuinely buy into the sophomoric idea that “being restrained during sex makes you free” and all that kind of student amateur erotica guff much beloved of those without much actual life experience?

Women have always been trained to eroticise their own oppression to varying degrees. We all do know that it’s a thing - we’ve all experienced it too, you know. Fine if you’re into that. There are large parts of all our sexual lives that are. But women’s lib it ain’t — unless you really are exceptionally naive.

(Plus you do make the burlesque class sound great: ladies “feeling empowered and a little bit sexy” — it has an air of the WI about it only with suspenders and a special line of Dita Von Teese merch. I do really want to go now, and is there also tea and some kind of little fondant cakes afterwards…? )

@nightwakingmoon
I should have known you were one of them.

We don't get an illicit thrill out of it at my class. It's just good plain fun! Feeling good, moving our bodies, having fun with a group of women!!

My teacher also taught a pensioners class and she said they absolutely adored it. But then even at pensioner age there are some women who wouldn't respect a womans thoughts, emotions or opinions on her own life and things she enjoys!!

@nightwakingmoon

(Plus you do make the burlesque class sound great: ladies “feeling empowered and a little bit sexy” — it has an air of the WI about it only with suspenders and a special line of Dita Von Teese merch. I do really want to go now, and is there also tea and some kind of little fondant cakes afterwards…? )

You should go!!!!!! You really, really should go!

There probably isn't much point if you're not going to go in with an open mind, but if you were ever willing and able to just go and try to experience something just to see what it's like and if you do in fact have a bit of fun there then I would highly, highly recommend it.

@Vitani

cool girls

If using "vanilla" "boring" or "prude" to describe people who don't have kinks/fetishes in their sex lives is not OK (and I agree), why is calling those that do "cool girls" fine?

Because some women do things they don't want to in order to keep blokes happy/stop them leaving.