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Original poster

Choking during sex, is this normal

635 replies

IsThisNormalOr · 07/03/2022 21:15

I went on a date last night and we ended up getting drunk and having sex. Everything was fine and I was enjoying it but at one point when he was on top of me he put his hands around my neck for a few seconds (not hard, and then he stopped and we switched positions) I didn't say anything. Is this normal? I've never experienced it before. We got on well and he wants to see me again...

OP posts:
autobarn · 09/03/2022 13:51

Porn is to blame. It's too easy to access.

CornishGem1975 · 09/03/2022 13:57

Women don't HAVE to be beaten or choked as part of a 'normal' sex life, the vast majority aren't but who is to say what is normal and why should people have to justify what they like?

What's normal for you will be different for someone else. For some people, normal sex is having it once a week on a Saturday night, lights off, under the covers. That's very very far from my normal but I'm not going to apologise for not enjoying vanilla sex!

nightwakingmoon · 09/03/2022 14:42

Also for the poster talking about teenage “kink” - teenagers get turned on by all sorts of stuff! If I described some of the scenarios that entertained my overheated hormonal teenage brain, it would probably warrant a visit from the police (or at the very least the RSPCA … Shirley Conran’s “Lace”, anyone?!? Grin)

That doesn’t mean I was in any way remotely turned on by these as an adult.

It really isn’t compulsory to naturalise your teenage sexual fantasies as some kind of kink “identity”.

Hasselhoffsheadband · 09/03/2022 15:38

What does a bloke get out of putting his hands round a woman's neck and applying pressure?

Do men genuinely think that women are turned on by this or are they doing it because they get off on the possibility of restricting the Airways of the woman they are with?

HRTQueen · 09/03/2022 15:51

CornishGem1975

Consent is normal in sex

It has nothing to do with being vanilla or not

It is not normal to take such risks as mentioned by the op. Some people may enjoy it and get a thrill from it but it’s always at a risk and that really shouldn’t be considered normal it’s risk taking.

Once it is considered normal men will act this out without consent (which is happening to an alarming degree) as this man did (and unfortunately many other man are doing who enjoy degrading women)

Some people like to climb buildings with out any safety equipment it gives them a thrill we do not judge that as normal judge that as risky behaviour

Any form of sex act that restricts oxygen is always a risk and shouldn’t be categorised as normal but as risky behaviour

PleaseDontDriveMeBlind · 09/03/2022 15:56

That doesn’t mean I was in any way remotely turned on by these as an adult.

It really isn’t compulsory to naturalise your teenage sexual fantasies as some kind of kink “identity”.

I don't have a kink identity. It's not my "identity". It's just something I enjoy. Of course you don't have to naturalise them as an adult, but as you said yourself "that doesn't mean I was in any way turned on by these as an adult". That's personal to you. For me, those fantasies carried through to my adult life. People are different. You may have had things you enjoyed as a teen that don't spark things in you now, but that doesn't mean everyone stops enjoying those things once they reach adulthood.

I never said it's "compulsory", it's not like I forced myself.

CornishGem1975 · 09/03/2022 15:58

@HRTQueen I completely agree. Consent is everything and as I said further back in the thread, I personally like rough sex (hand around the neck etc but not necessarily restricting oxygen, it's perfectly possible to do) BUT it has been discussed in advance and it's with my DH. I was replying to @bedheadedzombie who asked "What happened to vanilla sex being the norm?"

SouperNoodle · 09/03/2022 16:00

I was seeing a guy a few years back that did this most times we had sex. I liked him so much and was young and stupid so didn't say anything.
If it happened now, I'd have punched him.

bedheadedzombie · 09/03/2022 18:19

@CornishGem1975

Women don't HAVE to be beaten or choked as part of a 'normal' sex life, the vast majority aren't but who is to say what is normal and why should people have to justify what they like?

What's normal for you will be different for someone else. For some people, normal sex is having it once a week on a Saturday night, lights off, under the covers. That's very very far from my normal but I'm not going to apologise for not enjoying vanilla sex!

There's a huuuge difference between feeling that you might need to apologize for kinky sex and thinking that it's so normalised that it doesn't need to be discussed first. I've experimented with things myself, but anything other than vanilla sex was always discussed first. Because it isn't normal enough to assume consent.
Quirkyme · 09/03/2022 21:00

@Hasselhoffsheadband

What does a bloke get out of putting his hands round a woman's neck and applying pressure?

Do men genuinely think that women are turned on by this or are they doing it because they get off on the possibility of restricting the Airways of the woman they are with?

Honestly.

I agree. It's fucked.

Quirkyme · 09/03/2022 21:01

@bedheadedzombie

This thread makes me anxious for my still little daughter. What happened to vanilla sex bring the norm? Why do women have to be beaten, choked or whatever as part of a normal sex life? I find that really disturbing. Do what you like but anything that can be harmful shouldn't be seen as normal or "just" a kink.
THIS.
Quirkyme · 09/03/2022 21:02

@Squeezyhug

If you want to date him you could tell him you don’t like that sort of thing and see how he reacts.

On the other hand, lots of other men out there...

We are past the "if you want to date him" and I don't think you should be advising this.

Have you read the OP AND the updates?!

Vitani · 09/03/2022 21:10

Do men genuinely think that women are turned on by this or are they doing it because they get off on the possibility of restricting the Airways of the woman they are with?

But some women are "genuinely" turned on by this.

You can take issue it and discuss dangers and discuss how it's becoming normalised when it's something that requires consent and special discussion beforehand, how it should not be considered the norm etc... without making claims about what women other than yourself are turned-on by, surely. There are lots of things other women are turned-on by that I don't understand, it doesn't mean they are lying.

FurPunt · 09/03/2022 21:20

Bloody porn.

And all the liberal apologists for “kinks” (used to be called deviancies) seeing the chickens coming home to roost. Men with deviant sexual tastes used to have to go to specialist prostitutes - now they can expect any random woman to oblige as she’s up for any ‘experiment’ and to prove she’s not boring, vanilla. I’m glad I’m not young now in a way, sexual expectations sound utterly offensive. Our teenage children, boys and girls, need this exploitation explained to them. I did to my teenage boy around age of 16.

Vitani · 09/03/2022 21:35

I did to my teenage boy around age of 16.

Not a lot of teenagers are going to take their parents' opinion of sex and what should or shouldn't be acceptable or what is deviant as gospel tbh. Why would what your parents think matter that much at the age of 16(!?) or change what they find attractive? Parental disapproval can often have the opposite outcome to what was intended.

16 is also too late for a lot of teens who have sex before that age. If your son had any deviant sexual attractions - (not necessarily choking, but anything outside the norm, I know a lot of people have a foot fetish or enjoy being shamed/embarrassed, so they aren't all harmful to others) - they could theoretically begin during puberty, so if you think your opinion is going to hold so much weight, why did you wait until 16?

Vitani · 09/03/2022 21:42

Sent too soon...

E.g. a lot of people who are aroused from being stuffed full of food and being morbidly obese (a feedee) will say that they noticed the attraction forming as children.

Some talk of stuffing pillows down their clothes in their room or of feeling "something" when they saw fat people in the street, or that hearing their grandma shame a fat person ("urgh how can someone do that to themselves, they can't even fit in their car!") excited them some way.

Obviously this isn't normal, but a lot of these things can take root from childhood. How do you combat stuff like that, especially when parents, a lot of the time, won't be aware of this?

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 09/03/2022 22:05

So what are you saying @Vitani?

That parents should opt out of having difficult conversations with their children about sex and porn, because, meh, what’s the point…..?

Why don’t you parent your way, and let other people parent more responsibly, keeping open lines of conversation going with their children?

Vitani · 09/03/2022 23:49

That parents should opt out of having difficult conversations with their children about sex and porn, because, meh, what’s the point…..?

Not at all. I never said don't have them, did I?

I just think 16 is too late to curb potential attractions ("deviance" as the poster said) to things that may have started way earlier, before you'd even think to have these talks.

16 is quite late in general, I think parental opinions matter more/have more weight a bit younger than that, by 16 they would have already had sex ed in school etc.

But, the poster did imply that if you talk to the 16 year olds then maybe they won't have such deviances, but I was pointing out they may have already had them for years prior, so idk, have the talks of course, but I do think 16 is leaving it late.

Vitani · 09/03/2022 23:53

How do you combat stuff like that, especially when parents, a lot of the time, won't be aware of this?

This was more just a general question. I don't think we shouldn't have these talks, not at all! But I do think that parents believe they have more power with stuff like this than they really do, especially with some fetishes where the root of it starts to grow as young as primary school (not in an overtly sexual manner, but in the sense outlined above with the example of feedees).

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/03/2022 00:09

@LowlandLucky

Luredbyapomegranate Not a bitchy comment at at all. The OP obviously didn't expect him to put his hands around her neck and has she has had to ask if this is normal i would imagine she was shocked.
Yes it was:

‘i will get shot down for this but hey ho. If you have no idea who you are having sex with you can't be shocked when they do something you are not comfortable with’

Your comment was judgemental and nasty, and you knew that which is why you referred to being shot down. It was also irrelevant, as the OP was asking if it was normal practice or not, not for comment on whether any reaction she had was reasonable or not.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 10/03/2022 02:17

That parents should opt out of having difficult conversations with their children about sex and porn, because, meh, what’s the point…..?

Not at all. I never said don't have them, did I?

That’s exactly what you said:

Not a lot of teenagers are going to take their parents' opinion of sex and what should or shouldn't be acceptable or what is deviant as gospel tbh. Why would what your parents think matter that much at the age of 16(!?) or change what they find attractive? Parental disapproval can often have the opposite outcome to what was intended.

I agree - 16 is definitely too late.

But I’m not not going to talk to both my son and my daughter about what is and isn’t acceptable for them, and that consent should underpin everything.

Don’t, FFS, start strangling someone without checking whether they’re up for it first. That’s - literally - NEVER acceptable. Especially if you’re a man (bigger, heavier and stronger) and they’re a woman.

The Grace Millane case still chills me to the bone - like PPs, I am so anxious for my DD going out into the world and having to navigate this. And I need my DS to be one of the good ones.

Vitani · 10/03/2022 03:48

Don’t, FFS, start strangling someone without checking whether they’re up for it first. That’s - literally - NEVER acceptable. Especially if you’re a man (bigger, heavier and stronger) and they’re a woman.

And I agree.

That’s exactly what you said:

Not a lot of teenagers are going to take their parents' opinion of sex and what should or shouldn't be acceptable or what is deviant as gospel tbh. Why would what your parents think matter that much at the age of 16(!?) or change what they find attractive? Parental disapproval can often have the opposite outcome to what was intended.

No, that doesn't say "never have these conversations" at all. I don't know where you are seeing that I "said exactly" that. If that's how it read to you, I'm sorry but that was not the intention. I do believe the talks should be had, I just think 16 is too late, and that by that age parental opinion matters less to teens (IME).

Vitani · 10/03/2022 03:50

But I’m not not going to talk to both my son and my daughter about what is and isn’t acceptable for them, and that consent should underpin everything.

I never said you shouldn't have them. I will be doing the same with my DC.

bluesberry · 10/03/2022 04:54

Lots of comments saying that it's never men who want to be choked. Lots of men actually love it!

But no one should ever do it to anyone without permission.

OnlyTheTitosaurusOfTheIceberg · 10/03/2022 06:46

@Hasselhoffsheadband

What does a bloke get out of putting his hands round a woman's neck and applying pressure?

Do men genuinely think that women are turned on by this or are they doing it because they get off on the possibility of restricting the Airways of the woman they are with?

Apparently as well as the dominance aspect it’s supposedly the case that if a woman is struggling to breathe, everything gets ‘tighter’ for the guy IYSWIM 🙄🤮