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Original poster

Husband Thinks I’m Not as FUN as His Parents

232 replies

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 07/03/2022 11:14

Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him. That being said…

We’ve been married at little over a year. Maybe it’s me- it probably is, but it seems there is a lot of overlap with us enjoying eachother as a couple and his family. They live next door. We have fought 3 days in a row now about visiting because they always know when he’s off and call and text and find a reason to get him over (chore, errand, random gift). I always initially get upset because they do this without a care that we might want to time together, arguing him into going over there for ‘just a minute’, try to keep him longer (and he wants to stay), and often exclude me.. however, the fight devolves into (probably) the truer reason this bothers me so much; I want to be seen as his wife, by his side, before family. Not simply the babymaking machine he landed that stays at home. I say this because it’s a pattern in his family to sort of leave the wives at home while you visit everyone… I suppose because they’re just in-laws. Besides that, I want to feel like my husband wants time with me. Often, our plans are canceled, ‘forgotten’, or were ‘never made’ once they call. Often, if we’re in the yard just spending time together, if he’s not already over there talking them, he’s looking hopefully in their direction.

I told him I just can’t keep trying to win him. I told him I don’t care anymore. Go over, stay for hours, leave me out of it. I have bent over backwards and tore myself apart trying to be fun, sweet, sexy, exciting… and I still am not enough to keep his attention. It pains me so much.. and I do care. A lot. I can’t keep fighting this fight with his real desires, and I’m hoping my change will maybe make him miss me or realize he took all I did for granted. Maybe he’ll stop constantly hoping for their call and wanting to visit, maybe he’ll want me…

However, I’m experiencing a bit of self doubt. I might be executing this wrong. He seems to just be accepting I am pulling away and pulling away also. I’m so tired of this. What does one really do in this situation? What would you do to get the marriage revolving back around you guys and on track? I told him that he’s free to do whatever he wants with them and not to involve me, and that time will tell me all I need to know about this. If he’s over everyday.. if he asks me to come.. if he even initiates time together anymore. I don’t think he understood that I meant it though. I’m sorry I’m ranting, I’m just so crushed that I finally gave up on this after working on it for a year. I really don’t want to end up like his parents (glorified roommates, dad always at his parents, mom always at home upset she’s excluded again… no dates ever). Can you give me your advice?

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 07/03/2022 16:16

I've read your other threads. This is not going to get better. Your PIL's have no boundaries and unrealistic expectations which is aided by your DH.

Riv · 07/03/2022 16:19

Just a thought to start a discussion with him. You say DH, so assume you are married. Did you take traditional wedding vows?
Maybe refer him to exactly what was promised- most refer to something along the lines of forsaking all others (does this just refer to other sexual partners? What about spending all your free time with someone else?) also often “in marriage you leave the father and mother and cleave to your spouse “ or something similar is in most Christian services.
You may find something in what you vowed a year ago to at least cause him (and the PiLs) to make them think a bit, or at least start a more neutral discussion??

Benjispruce5 · 07/03/2022 16:20

It wouldn’t be for me. It’s nice that he is close to his family but you should be involved too. How old are you both? Why are you living so close?

Limer · 07/03/2022 16:21

What a strange setup. How on earth did you manage to have a relationship and get married, if he spends so much time with his family?

It doesn't sound like he loves you, or even likes you much. I hope you've got your contraception sorted.

Cut your losses and get out, study, work, have some fun and look for love in a few years.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 07/03/2022 16:22

I just want to make it clear my mindset is to ‘repair’ not ‘run’

You can't repair a relationship on your own.

2Rebecca · 07/03/2022 16:24

After just a year of marriage this would be a deal maker for me. You can't influence your husband's actions you can only influence yours. His parents are unlikely to become less clingy. He sounds as though he doesn't want to change. I'm not sure this is repairable. This was a predictable outcome of moving next door to them . You sound young if still at college.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 07/03/2022 16:24

You care about him spending more time away from you, yet he doesn't care.
You've asked him to take your feelings into consideration, yet he still doesn't.
You're doing all the running, yet he takes you for granted.
If you love someone, you try your best to make them happy, yet he doesn't try.
Marriage is about love as well as respect. Him not respecting you, means his family won't/ don't respect you either.
As most have said OP, you can't change people unless they want to.

I8toys · 07/03/2022 16:25

The first mistake was living next door to your in laws.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 07/03/2022 16:26

I've read your other posts. You always sounded in those like you felt your relationship with your DH was rock solid. Now it sounds like that's maybe not the case. It sounds to me like your DH and his family all have a lifestyle picked out and they just assume you'll fit into it.

Has it occurred to any of them that you're your own person with independent thoughts, feelings, wants and needs? That just because something makes them happy, it doesn't necessarily make you happy? Because they (DH included) sound shockingly self-centered and massively lacking in empathy or consideration for anyone except themselves. I'm sorry to say this but I think your DH likes the situation and isn't going to change it because it suits him fine. And it sounds like the two of you are growing in different directions.

What you do about that is entirely up to you. Personally, I'd feel stifled. But you can't change people, sadly, and regardless of what Hallmark claims, you can't make anyone wake up one day and suddenly care about you.

haaaaaaalp · 07/03/2022 16:28

My advice is sort out birth control and make it iron clad.

BOOTS52 · 07/03/2022 16:35

This situation sounds awful and for a start what made you choose to live right next door to his parents or am guessing was your husband's choice. Had an ex like this that they family always over at the mum's and they all gossiping non stop about any of the family who were not there and then be all nice to the person when they arrived. I was shocked that they never broke away and lived independently and yes it is good to see your family but to this intensity it is toxic. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you and yes you are doing the right thing. Let him get on with it and take up a new hobby and do not let him be the centre of your life as it seems to be now. Him and his family are calling all the shots and it must be so hard to navigate through it all if this is not something you are used to. How are the other bil or sil's dealing with it also. Get out and about more and do not be there all the time as he thinks you will be. But is this really how you want to live your life? Doing everything separately and if you have plans made that he cancels for them. That is just horrible and he has never grown up and what is wrong with his folks if would do this to their daughter in law, just wrong and so controlling from them. I could not live next door to any family members as am very independent and we do have phone calls but not daily and see them from time to time but not healthy to be living so close and he is under their thumb. Do you have children? I would be trying to save some money and try to get a little nest egg together incase you need if you cannot put up with this any longer. Also insist if you make plans he has to stick to them.

TricksAnd · 07/03/2022 16:39

OP, I read your old threads. I hope you are using contraception now and aren’t still chancing it. It be a disaster to get pregnant.

It’s hard to be living so close to your in-laws and it’s hard that your husband enjoys their company. It a bit of a crap relationship if you think you have to be laying down rules for your husband. A healthy relationship shouldn’t work like that.
There is way too much resentment and drama in all of this. You all seem to be involved.

BlueOverYellow · 07/03/2022 16:40

Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him. That being said…

I’m just so crushed that I finally gave up on this after working on it for a year. I really don’t want to end up like his parents (glorified roommates, dad always at his parents, mom always at home upset she’s excluded again… no dates ever). Can you give me your advice?

Well, no. You're miserable. You don't want to live like this. You've been trying to change it for a year and it's not working. He has to change, but he doesn't want to. He's happy as he is. You're not.

The solution to that is something you don't want to hear. So good luck to you.

BOOTS52 · 07/03/2022 16:40

If you do not have children then do not get pregnant while the situation is like this and getting worse as they sound like the kind of people who will then be telling you how to bring up your child and expect said child to be staying over at their house. I think you need some time away at a friends or your parents to clear your head and talk to your own family and take advise from them as this is not a way to live for the next 20 or 30 years.

MadForBurpees · 07/03/2022 16:40

@IdentifyingAsAPrincess

Is your husbands name Raymond?
Excellent response 😁😁😁😁
JorisBonson · 07/03/2022 16:44

I remember your previous posts OP. You're 19 years old, why are you putting up with this shit??

Stravaig · 07/03/2022 16:46

You are unreasonable in trying to limit how commenters can reply. You have painted yourself into a corner - but you don't get to do the same to us.

How you want to live and how he wants to live are not compatible. What did you plan together before you got married? Is his closeness with his family a new thing?

You've tried to fight for what you want and need. You've failed. Now you either subjugate your own wishes permanently, or you leave.

As many others have said, do not get pregnant.

AgentJohnson · 07/03/2022 16:47

Living next door to his parents should have been a clue about his family dynamic. Did you really think that marriage would change him?

No I wouldn’t be happy about his prioritisation of contact with his parents but then again hell would freeze over before I’d live next door to my PIL’s.

BookFiend4Life · 07/03/2022 16:49

Why stay with him OP? You are so young! Enjoy your life, meet someone who actually wants to spend time with you and doesn't have a crazy family. Certainly don't have any kids! This whole set up is just terrible. Does he have any redeeming qualities? Really, if he doesn't want to spend time with you, why would you want him?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/03/2022 16:51

our plans are cancelled, ‘forgotten’, or were ‘never made’ once they call. ... if he’s not already over there talking them, he’s looking hopefully in their direction

Do you want to be doing this for the next 20 years?

He doesn't seem to be explaining why, attempting to change or compromise, what is it that he gets from them? He doesn't mind leaving you at home and you say this is the family pattern.

Is that enough for you long term?

As you pull away so does he.

sorry, I can't see a solution to this unless you try marriage guidance and he actually accepts that he needs to compromise.

How much more are you prepared to sacrifice and how long for?

ChristinaXYZ · 07/03/2022 16:56

If you don't have kids I'd think very hard before having them. you seem extremely unhappy in the relationship and though you want to stay now realistically how long will you put up with being this miserable? I think you need couple's counselling and to move house. Why does your husband not care about you being unhappy - can you really live like this for ever? You need to be really sure you can live your life largely on your own - it won't change.

Lampface · 07/03/2022 17:07

Are you not the caravan girl who is in her late teens/early twenties?

Because if you are... honestly, you're young. I know you don't want to hear it but the situation is toxic and the only reason you've not went into more detail is because you know that if you said everything you've said on previous threads, people would be saying similar.

You've been told multiple times that this won't work. What you do next is up to you.

ancientgran · 07/03/2022 17:08

@IdentifyingAsAPrincess

Is your husbands name Raymond?
And nobody loves him despite the PR. Do they? I feel like shouting at the screen when they merrily announce it.
Lweji · 07/03/2022 17:09

With the best possible intentions, my advice is to get a life and to stop being so needy.

The reason for this is that we shouldn't need a man around to be happy. Do something you enjoy, engage with friends, find friends, find activities that you like, and that you end up talking about.

Because, for whatever reason, the marriage may well end some day, and then, do you have a life of your own, or will you feel lost without him?

Your husband should be a nice addition to your life. Your life should not revolve around him.

And, quite frankly, I'd rather avoid having to go to ILs anyway. Grin

Orchidsonthetable · 07/03/2022 17:09

Is there a cultural element to this op?

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