Husband Thinks I’m Not as FUN as His Parents

[MrsMissusAnonAnonymous]

Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him. That being said…

We’ve been married at little over a year. Maybe it’s me- it probably is, but it seems there is a lot of overlap with us enjoying eachother as a couple and his family. They live next door. We have fought 3 days in a row now about visiting because they always know when he’s off and call and text and find a reason to get him over (chore, errand, random gift). I always initially get upset because they do this without a care that we might want to time together, arguing him into going over there for ‘just a minute’, try to keep him longer (and he wants to stay), and often exclude me.. however, the fight devolves into (probably) the truer reason this bothers me so much; I want to be seen as his wife, by his side, before family. Not simply the babymaking machine he landed that stays at home. I say this because it’s a pattern in his family to sort of leave the wives at home while you visit everyone… I suppose because they’re just in-laws. Besides that, I want to feel like my husband wants time with me. Often, our plans are canceled, ‘forgotten’, or were ‘never made’ once they call. Often, if we’re in the yard just spending time together, if he’s not already over there talking them, he’s looking hopefully in their direction.

I told him I just can’t keep trying to win him. I told him I don’t care anymore. Go over, stay for hours, leave me out of it. I have bent over backwards and tore myself apart trying to be fun, sweet, sexy, exciting… and I still am not enough to keep his attention. It pains me so much.. and I do care. A lot. I can’t keep fighting this fight with his real desires, and I’m hoping my change will maybe make him miss me or realize he took all I did for granted. Maybe he’ll stop constantly hoping for their call and wanting to visit, maybe he’ll want me…

However, I’m experiencing a bit of self doubt. I might be executing this wrong. He seems to just be accepting I am pulling away and pulling away also. I’m so tired of this. What does one really do in this situation? What would you do to get the marriage revolving back around you guys and on track? I told him that he’s free to do whatever he wants with them and not to involve me, and that time will tell me all I need to know about this. If he’s over everyday.. if he asks me to come.. if he even initiates time together anymore. I don’t think he understood that I meant it though. I’m sorry I’m ranting, I’m just so crushed that I finally gave up on this after working on it for a year. I really don’t want to end up like his parents (glorified roommates, dad always at his parents, mom always at home upset she’s excluded again… no dates ever). Can you give me your advice?

I just want to make it clear my mindset is to ‘repair’ not ‘run’.

Seconding PP to say this isn't feasible. You can't fix or repair an autonomous adult who doesn't accept the need for it and undertake the changes that you would like for their own sake. It doesn't read as if he's anywhere near resembling a place to consider the reasonableness of his actions.

Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant.
In totally different circumstances, I ended up living with my first serious boyfriend and his parents moved over 60 miles to live closer to us. I wanted to rent a place (I was working) but they persuaded me that it would make better sense for us to rent a house they invested in, and I agreed because the pressure to do so was overwhelming, and it felt like the only way to stay with my boyfriend was to agree to their demands. I felt sure eventually he’d see we couldn’t live as two adults together with his parents and granny constantly in our lives.

They were in and out of our place all the time, treated us both like children. They would constantly buy us little gifts, food for dinner. I was definitely included but in a way that was really minimising. I wasn’t allowed an opinion on anything, and our relationship eroded to nothing. My partner couldn’t see the problem. I loved him dearly, and I just wanted us to break free and be ourselves, but he didn’t really want to upset his parents.

In the end I left him, after too many wasted years in my 20s. I deeply regret putting up with it, trying to be patient, trying to make small shifts in the right direction.

You are beating your head against a brick wall, I promise. Either you accept this is how it is going to be - forever - and imagine what that means when babies come along- or you accept this isn’t going to be the fairytale ending you hope for.

To reiterate: it is not your fault. But let the wisdom of others guide you here, it is really is NO solution and your choices are, tolerate it for now and leave later, or leave now.

I don't see a lot of options for you, as repairing the relationship requires your husband to have some interest in doing so, and it doesn't seem like he does (from what you describe). I would say, if you are working on your college degree, then use the free time to make sure you graduate from college. Save a little money (privately) to protect yourself from his lack of care towards you and from his controlling parents. Don't allow more of your personal resources to come under the control of your husband and his family. Don't become pregnant, because it's much harder for a woman to get out from under control if you are responsible for infants and small children that you have to support. Make sure you have copies, hidden away, of any legal documents that protect you.

So are you or aren't you sick to death of fighting for his time and attention?

As long as you think there is a chance of getting those from your H and imploring him to change he is going to keep on doing exactly what he is doing.

He doesn't think he needs to change.
He lives comfortably in their pockets, as the Irish saying goes.
He prefers their company over yours.
This is the way his family does things.

What motivation is there for him to change?
You are still there after all, despite your complaints.

Where are you in the US?

I don't know but I always read OP's threads with a southern accent anyway.

yes, I am the caravan girl

Oh, I’m sorry your other thread said you’d bought their old house when and they moved to a nicer one? I’m very confused.

YYY to everything Aloris said.

DO NOT have a baby with this man.

They live next door.

This is your problem.

He isn't growing up. Its easy to just nip around to have fun at parents.

Whereas you live with him and expect him to take on certain responsibilities etc etc.

You are the person who nags him or moans at him for not doing x,y, and z.

I bet his Mum did EVERYTHING for him.

You will never be good enough as he's still mentally a child who can run away from responsibility by going to his parents.
And this is made worse because you live so close.

You have limited options here, but its not going to get any better...

The issue is you want to “repair”. You can’t do that single-handedly. You can’t change a person. If that’s what he wants to go, accept it and decide what YOU want from life. If this isn’t it, it’s time to move on.

Reading between the lines is there a religious / cultural aspect to getting married so long and living next door to the in laws? You should be having the time of your life.

If you wanted to, COULD you leave?

Is it normal to ask these questions in a census?

I just want to make it clear my mindset is to ‘repair’ not ‘run’.

You can't repair something that he doesn't consider to be broken.

This is how his family works. He has grown up with this, and has no experience of any other type of connection with family. He won't change, and they certainly won't.

Repairing a relationship requires both parties to see the issue and both parties to be invested in changing it. Unless he's prepared to move some distance from his parents, they will always impact on any attempt by him to change anything.
But fundamentally he doesn't see the need, doesn't want to change, and even if he did, the proximity of his parents would make it impossible.

It takes two to repair a relationship

Oops, wrong thread 😳

I would suggest you cut him some slack for now to reduce the arguments, and not look like you are being troublesome, but at the same time, put the wheels in motion for you all to move.
It is far to close to be living next door to your in-laws, it is totally stifling.

Also, just imagine what it will be like when you have kids : they will be luring the children over, and listening to your conversations every time a door or window is open, and judging your parenting on that.
You really need to move, even if it's just a 10 min drive away, it will make a big difference.

Don't tell him why you want to move, make up some other reason if you need to ... but do move.

You are 19 and in college, married to another college kid. What on earth do your family and friends think of this? Why on earth aren't you dating him and having a good time and not dealing with in laws and all that shit. you are 19 - slow down and enjoy the age you are. And honestly while I think a 19 or 20 year old man is odd to want to spend all his time with his parents, I can see why he doesn't want to play Mr. and Mrs. Married Couple at that age.

I hope to god you are using effective contraception.

I know you won't want to hear this but this relationship won't last - the best you can hope is you don't have a couple of toddlers when it limps to its inevitable end. I'm sorry to sound harsh, OP, but I have daughters around your age in college and you are wasting your young adult years.

You sound quite young, and havent really got into the swing of family life at the moment, with your idealistic views about being married, and all that this entails. If you live next door to Pil's, this maybe an issue at times, as there is no accounting for how people will behave living close to eachother.,You need to work out with your Husband, how things could be more harmonious beween you, and no point in arguing about it.

Do his parents live in a house or a caravan? If they live in a house and you in a caravan then he may prefer the creature comforts there. But if you're both in caravans then it is an issue.

Either way, a young man shouldn't be preferring to spend time with his parents than his wife!

I just want to make it clear my mindset is to ‘repair’ not ‘run’.

But it's impossible to repair a relationship if the other partner has no desire to do so, or to change his behaviour- which he absolutely clearly doesn't. You can't force him to behave like a decent husband, and you can't make him prioritise you over his family (or even make you an equal priority). You've tried. It didn't work. You have reached an impasse and you have two choices: suck it up or leave.

You cannot repair this. You cannot repair something that the other person does not believe to be broken.

"Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him. That being said…"

That being said, the only option you have left is to suck it up. To live in this intolerable manner, to become lonelier and lonelier. To come under increasing pressure to become the baby machine (for the love of all you hold sacred, do NOT get pregnant under any circumstances!).

There is no way that you can improve this situation, you can only remove yourself from it. It's you against the three of them (five if you count SIL/BIL) and they will wear you down. Get out while you still can.

In the previous thread, the OP said she owned a mobile home on the parents' property. Here in the US, a mobile home is a prefabricated home that is placed on a piece of property rather than being built there. It can be moved, but it isn't driven away like a caravan. It has to be loaded on to a special truck and taken to another property.

I think she may have used caravan as shorthand so you would all understand it's not a "regular" house. But it's very much like a house, and it has all the same amenities a house does.

Work towards moving away, live seperate life, or refused to be shoved out.

If you're not there they have a chance to undemine you and your relationship and bad mouth you. If you tag along you can sit for a bit then loudly remind DH of prior plans you now need to go to. Basically manage the situation - and yes it does get wearing though in my case it was more the GC and as they're older and it's clear DH and I are on same page it requores much less managaing than it once did and we have moved further away.

Long term though it does need two of you working together - time - as he gets older and space away from them will also be needed by you'll need DH on side for that.

Saving money takes time and college is expensive so how are you actually going to get out of this situation you have landed yourselves in?. You may be able to get out but if that happens you'll be on your own because he won't be with you. I very much doubt your H will do so because he's enmeshed with his abusive parents.

Why is it your job primarily to repair this?. Where has that mindset come from?.

You cannot repair this on your own and at the very least your H and you are going to have to move state to get away from his overbearing and abusive parents. Remaining in this mobile home on his parents land in Shitkicker TX or whatever state you're residing in is not going to do you or he any good whatsoever.

All you can do here really is repair your own self and rebuild your own life with or without him. You've gone from one abusive neglectful family situation to sadly another one.

@KleineDracheKokosnuss

He won’t change and you can’t make him. But you’re not ready to hear that. So you are going to need to continue playing a ‘pick me’ dance (family version) until you either give up and accept a miserable future, or become ready to hear that there are men out there who won’t treat you like this.

This poster sums it up perfectly....

Yes I remember aren't you the mobile home wife who lives on the In laws plot of land that they've promised you can build on one day. Hmm. Well it's not getting any easier is it?

Your DH seems to think his parents are his 'real' family and you are just the girlfriend/pal who stays over in the caravan.
Your problem is that fundamentally your DH considers that his 'real' life still happens 'at home'. That is the way he is seeing it both consciously and unconsciously.
He's never separated properly from his parents.