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Original poster

Ex getting married, just caused a row with DH

252 replies

Exgetshitched · 05/03/2022 23:24

Name changed here as outing if you know me and the situation.

Was in a long term relationship, foolishly cheated on partner so ended the relationship. A year later I got into a relationship with the man I had the affair with. Years later, we’re married and have two children.

I haven’t seen my ex in years, but one of my friends boyfriends still see him regularly. Meaning my friend does as well.

My ex is getting married this year, which I have absolutely no issues with. My friend and her boyfriend are going, again no issues with this. Tonight another friends husband told me he had an evening invite to the wedding, I was a bit surprised as whilst they saw each other loads as a group when we were together they’ve seen each other twice in the last 8 years. After the initial surprise, I really am fine with it.

What did bother me though was his wife, my best friend, thinking about going. She started off saying, she didn’t like weddings and probably wasn’t going to go, to realising our other friend was going to be there and then basically making plans to go.

I still see my best friend frequently but she will not go on nights out anymore as she doesn’t like drinking. So it bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding, which will involve heavy drinking.

I just tried to speak to my DH about how that made me feel and he just lost it at me.

Apparently, it shouldn’t bother me at all that my friend was going along to a wedding with her husband. Apparently I shouldn’t have spoken to him about my feelings and if anything I should be trying to reassure him.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see it from the angle that she’s going to support her husband. I’m not convinced that is why she’s going. I also am genuinely not bothered this he is getting married, otherwise I wouldn’t have been mentioning anything would I?

I don’t know how to handle this with my dh now, especially as he announced he has never gotten over the fact I cheated. Surely, I don’t still deserve to be punished for that all these years later?!

OP posts:
MintyGreenDream · 06/03/2022 10:19

I genuinely don't get this.why do you care that friends are going to a wedding? It's an ex from years ago I could only understand it if he had cheated on you and you felt your friends were being disloyal

Tranquilitybasehotelandcasino · 06/03/2022 10:23

I think that you know you shouldn’t be feeling the way you do and was kidding yourself that if you told your DH, it wouldn’t be wrong or underhanded anymore. You hoped he would reassure you that it’s ok to think these things because your own head was telling you it’s not right and that would make you feel better. What he’s actually suggested is that he’s not ok with it and agrees with the majority of people on here that you have no right to be bothered by this and it screams of still being invested in some way with your ex. You knew deep down that those feelings aren’t right and now he’s confirmed that, you’re trying to tell yourself that your DH is also in the wrong - rather than accept this is on you.

Although your DH married you, he has probably thought a lot about whether you’d be capable of cheating again, whether you still have feelings for your ex etc. Don’t think that because you cheated with him that this will reassure him that you’d never do it to him. Now you’re planting more seeds of doubt in his head that he was probably right all along.

At best, I think you’re quite controlling to want your friend to miss out on an evening with her partner, to suit you. At worst, you’re opening a huge can of worms and probably need to be looking at your own marriage and protecting that. You need to be very careful that you don’t cause your husband to doubt you so much that he cannot trust you and wants to split.

Sarahcoggles · 06/03/2022 10:26

OP did your best friend and her husband come to your wedding?

DillDanding · 06/03/2022 10:35

Your friend is entitled to go if she wants to.

It sounds like you do have a problem with this wedding, after all.

HTH1 · 06/03/2022 10:40

It sounds like you regretted your decision to cheat. Reading between the lines, was your ex perhaps a nicer person than DH?

Anyway, you really have no right to expect that your friend doesn’t attend his wedding or to be invited yourself. Just be glad that he managed to get over it and find happiness himself (it must have been pretty nasty for him when you cheated then married the affair partner).

Livandme · 06/03/2022 10:40

Is this just fomo?

DrSbaitso · 06/03/2022 10:42

Fear of missing out on what? A night out?

BadgerStripes · 06/03/2022 10:43

I think you and your ‘D’ H deserve each other OP...

starfishmummy · 06/03/2022 10:47

So your and your exes mutual friends are not supposed to go to his wedding because you don't like it?

Sounds like playground stuff. Maybe you should grow up??

ImAvingOops · 06/03/2022 10:50

I'm baffled by posters saying the husband is in the right. The OP cheated with him - he has no moral high ground to be calling her a cheat since he was complicit in that.

I'd probably also be a bit Hmm if my best friend wouldn't socialise in the evening with me but would with other people. But that said, she's probably going on a date with her partner - it just happens to be at a wedding.

I don't get what your husband is arsey about unless he thinks you self sabotaged the previous relationship and are sorry you did it and wish you were still with your ex?

Shesmyperson · 06/03/2022 10:53

@ImAvingOops

I'm baffled by posters saying the husband is in the right. The OP cheated with him - he has no moral high ground to be calling her a cheat since he was complicit in that.

I'd probably also be a bit Hmm if my best friend wouldn't socialise in the evening with me but would with other people. But that said, she's probably going on a date with her partner - it just happens to be at a wedding.

I don't get what your husband is arsey about unless he thinks you self sabotaged the previous relationship and are sorry you did it and wish you were still with your ex?

Because op has avoided the question about him being the one she cheated with.

Its entirely possible he didn't know she was in a relationship.

Hence the year break and why, now, when she is clearly bothered about her ex getting married its made him uncomfortable.

He could have found out and then a year later decided to move on. And been moved on until op clearly, showed that there's more to it.

Onlyforcake · 06/03/2022 11:03

Natural state of a relationship based on cheating. There are secrets, hurt and underlying mistrust. It's not news.

fishonabicycle · 06/03/2022 11:07

I still can't understand why you felt odd about your friend going. Her and her partner were invited because her partner had bumped into the groom at a stag and obviously were pleased to see each other (totally normal). Invited to evening do only (normal). Bringing it up does make it sound like you were bothered about your ex getting married again.

Gonnagetgoing · 06/03/2022 11:09

I’m wondering if OP feels guilty years on about cheating (more than she lets on) and this is why her views end thoughts are appearing now. But in a skewed way.

UKRAINEwearewithyou · 06/03/2022 11:11

YOU cheated. The friends still like him and so why shouldn't they go. Get over yourself.

bedheadedzombie · 06/03/2022 11:12

If you would have zero feelings about your ex, you wouldn't care who attended his wedding. Think about it. You wouldn't care if your friend would go to a wedding of someone you don't know. You would just say "oh that's nice" and maybe "what will you wear?". The fact that you have any kind of negative feeling about her attending your ex's wedding if because of some kind of feeling towards your ex.

DoleWhipFloat · 06/03/2022 11:14

I haven’t read the full thread, but just wanted to say that it’s quite normal for a wife to go along to a wedding with her husband, that the couple were indeed invited to.

I’m not sure why anyone would question this?

5thnonblonde · 06/03/2022 11:15

@bedheadedzombie could be shame. I’m sure OP wants to ride off into the sunset and forget she ever did something so shitty. Her ExH persistently existing in her peripheral is a constant reminder of (probably) the worst thing she’s ever done

Piggy666 · 06/03/2022 11:21

@istandwithukraine

So why is that any different when she won’t even come down the pub with us;

Maybe she doesn't want to sit and drink and socialise with a couple of cheats 🤷🏻‍♀️

BOOM! 🤣
GatoradeMeBitch · 06/03/2022 11:22

Is it the case that your DH thought you were single when you were seeing him, and that's what he's unhappy about?

He came back to you a year later, and at that point it should have been a dead issue. You say you're all about max transparency because of cheating then, but I don't think it helps to share everything all the time. Like this wedding. Of course your DH doesn't want to hear about it. and you going on about it will come across like you are upset and wishing you never cheated on your ex.

Be graceful. Just don't mention the wedding anymore. Tell your BF you hope she has a good time, but you would rather not hear about it afterwards. Then drop it. Fixating on this event will do nothing to stop it, all you can control is your own reaction.

username9871028 · 06/03/2022 11:37

Erm you lost the moral high ground when you cheated on your ex. You are ridiculous and have absolutely no say in this.

WetLookKnitwear · 06/03/2022 11:40

I think you should let yourself move on and stop living in the past. It sounds like your ex still bothers you or at least it’s in your mind a bit (you said you sort of overcompensate) and your DH probably picks up on it and is a bit touchy about it.

I don’t think your friend has done anything wrong.

I think you just need to leave past in the past op.

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 06/03/2022 11:41

"I cheated on him so you shouldn't go to his wedding as it makes me feel weird and I'd prefer you to shun him"
Yeah I'd be telling you to fuck off with that shit.

Gymgo · 06/03/2022 11:41

Probably Your current parnter seems you for what you are a cheating self centered person and wishes he saw you for what you are

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 06/03/2022 11:45

Surely, I don’t still deserve to be punished for that all these years later

You're NOT being punished because your husband hasn't 'gotten over' the fact that you have a history of infidelity. That's the risk you took.

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