Ex getting married, just caused a row with DH

[Exgetshitched]

Name changed here as outing if you know me and the situation.

Was in a long term relationship, foolishly cheated on partner so ended the relationship. A year later I got into a relationship with the man I had the affair with. Years later, we’re married and have two children.

I haven’t seen my ex in years, but one of my friends boyfriends still see him regularly. Meaning my friend does as well.

My ex is getting married this year, which I have absolutely no issues with. My friend and her boyfriend are going, again no issues with this. Tonight another friends husband told me he had an evening invite to the wedding, I was a bit surprised as whilst they saw each other loads as a group when we were together they’ve seen each other twice in the last 8 years. After the initial surprise, I really am fine with it.

What did bother me though was his wife, my best friend, thinking about going. She started off saying, she didn’t like weddings and probably wasn’t going to go, to realising our other friend was going to be there and then basically making plans to go.

I still see my best friend frequently but she will not go on nights out anymore as she doesn’t like drinking. So it bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding, which will involve heavy drinking.

I just tried to speak to my DH about how that made me feel and he just lost it at me.

Apparently, it shouldn’t bother me at all that my friend was going along to a wedding with her husband. Apparently I shouldn’t have spoken to him about my feelings and if anything I should be trying to reassure him.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see it from the angle that she’s going to support her husband. I’m not convinced that is why she’s going. I also am genuinely not bothered this he is getting married, otherwise I wouldn’t have been mentioning anything would I?

I don’t know how to handle this with my dh now, especially as he announced he has never gotten over the fact I cheated. Surely, I don’t still deserve to be punished for that all these years later?!

Your poor friends were put in a very difficult position because of your infidelity, not to mention the impact on your ex and current partner. Yet here you are sounding off about your needs… maybe you’d do better to think of someone else’s perspective for a bit.

@Loopytiles

Even if OP’s now H WAS an unknowing/innocent party in the cheating, when he found out he had choices about whether or not to date her, continue to date her, marry and have DC with her. It’s unfair - at best! - to ‘hold it over’ her many years later.

He may not have held it over her, until she clearly had a problem with her friend going to the exs wedding.

I am sure many people wonder if there was more to her upset. Who gets upset that their friend is attending the wedding of their husbands friend?

YABVU

You 100% ABU. You have no say over who your friend is friends with. It’s not up to you if she goes to the wedding or not. It’s none of your business. Your behaviour is weird and controlling.

Your friend can go to any wedding she likes and it has nothing to do with you. Even if its your ex who you cheated on but were not married to.

The lady doth protest to much, methinks

Why your friend is invited is none of your business. Maybe she wanted to go as partner wants to go. Maybe she is changing her mind on evenings out. I much prefer days out to nights out but I would still attend a night out here or there.

Reassure dh this is not about wedding but about friend willing to have evening out with others but not you. It is really petty though so perhaps acknowledge that too.

@PinchOfVom

OP.....

You have SEVERE FOMO

Yes, that's probably what this is! I was going to type something about how hard it is to be excluded but I think on this occasion (for this event) it makes sense to be excluded, but the Fomo is still real!

Are you annoyed that your friends got an invitation to the wedding of the man you cheated on? Good lord. Why?

Have I got this right?
You cheated on someone and now you think you have the right to decide who goes to his wedding?

I don’t go out much either but if someone invites me to a weeding I always try to go. It’s a special occasion and I’d try to make it, unlike the odd pint in a pub …

It sounds to me @Exgetshitched that you’re indeed jealous of some of your friends still being in contact and socialising with your ex.

So now there’s another social circle that you haven’t got an access to due to obvious reasons.

Your DH however is making it about your Ex

I know this isn't in AIBU, but YABVU for all the reasons already mentioned. And your husband is being massively unreasonable too. Both your attitudes are frankly baffling, hypocritical and self-centred.

@Exgetshitched The thing that sticks out from me from your posts is the fact you feel you have to explain every little detail to your H, so that he doesn’t get upset or have his insecurities rattled. Did he know you were in a relationship when you first got with him? Do you feel free to be yourself in your current relationship?

"cheated on partner so ended the relationship. A year later I got into a relationship with the man I had the affair with"

A year later you say, OP?

Doesn’t sound like you’re ok with your ex getting married. You can’t have your cake and eat it. Why should your friend have loyalties to you when you were the cheater? They have every right to attend the wedding of someone who is nothing to do with you (by your own doing).

Erm
YOU cheated
So broke the marriage up
YOU are now married with children
BUT don't want your friend to go to your EX Husband wedding...
Did she come to your wedding the one were you married the man who you cheated with ....?

Sorry I think you are slightly on the wrong page with this ....

The friend whose boyfriend still sees ExDH regularly - why does she still see him too, 'regularly'? If two guys know each other through sport, the partners don't necessarily meet up. It sounds like that couple have remained closer to your ex than you've considered: as in there is a genuine liking bonhomie there, not just sport. Your best friend maybe in a dilemma. To explain, letting your partner go to an evening do on his own sounds weird. It's a place for lots of people in the same set to socialise. Wouldn't it look as if your bestie was leaving her partner to feel awkward and to stand our on his own, just so she could make the point she's being loyal to you? Might she feel, understandably, that your other friend might start to see more of your ex, now that he's officially officially coupled-up? She'd be left out if she was starting the new alignment with a statement that she'd rather let her partner go to a wedding do alone than risk putting your nose out of joint. Marriage celebrations are about couples and the joys of wedded bliss, so yes, sometimes they do instigate quite a bit more meeting up as couples and new social networks.

If you all know each other through work, there is a sense of how people view you, even if not seeing you often, since you are all part of an interconnected set. Maybe your husband is more conscious of the spotlight this big event throws afresh on how you and your ex split, than your feelings. Again I feel the issue is the sense of a big interconnected group to which you and your ex still belong, and how the dynamics within this set are going to work.

Hmmm. This is very weird. Did your current husband not know at the time you were cheating? It is the only thing that makes sense.

I also understand is reaction, you keep saying you’re totally fine with your ex marrying but your reaction indicates strongly otherwise, and you’re lying about it.

You sound like a teenager.

@Exgetshitched

Just to address a couple of points. It’s not that they’ve maintained a friendship and she’s going to the wedding though. The friend who has continued to see him, I have no issues that she’s going to the wedding and even the brides hen do. No issues at all.

It’s different with this friend because they haven’t seen each other since we split. Haven’t text, called and aren’t even friends on social media.

With the drinking, I wasn’t saying she’d be heavily drinking at the wedding. It’s that I know it will be a very drunken wedding, she knows that too. So why is that any different when she won’t even come down the pub with us; when no one would force her to drink heavily.

You need to stop policing what your friend does or I suspect the friendship will end. I've never been to wedding where people are forced to drink. For someone who doesn't care, you do a good act of caring a lot. You need to let it go.

I'm guessing that when you cheated, you didnt actually tell your now husband that you were in a relationship. He thought you were single? That's why it took a year for him to agree to be in a relationship with you after your ex found out about the cheating and that one ended?
And now, he still feels uneasy about the fact that you made him complicit in your cheating? Because he thought you were single. That's fair enough really. I dont understand why he married you though. Stupid to marry a cheater but not stupid to still feel angry and worried about it.

I'm surprised your friends stayed friends with you after you cheated on someone they also called a friend. You're lucky they didnt choose sides. They can do whatever they want. They can go to his wedding. You need to stay out of it and honestly, just shut up about it. It has nothing to do with you at all.

Maybe your friend just doesnt want to go out drinking with you incase you chest on your husband during a night out and she needs to keep quiet about it.

Did ye, aye?

@Kinko

Just try to recognise that you can't control this situation.

Apologise to your DH. Just say you're sorry and maybe feeling insecure about losing the friendship with her, if she becomes good friends with your ex?

Some things just end up being off topic with a partner, sounds like your ex is a thorn for him.

We all have these sorts of niggles which aren't really easy to explain - I think it's just people breaking the status quo and the fear of change or something. I wouldn't like it if one of my bestfriends went to one of my ex-boyfriends weddings. I think it's a territory/loyalty thing - over our friends (not the ex) but it's our problem to deal with in our heads, not their's.

But with your DH - probably best to leave the off loading to a work colleague, or a hairdresser - someone on the outskirts of your world, someone who can relate and be outraged with you but won't be turning up at your doorstep for a dinner party - if you know what I mean?

This

I do understand why your husband is bothered about the cheating. Its not hypocritical. He was not responsible for your faithfulness. You were.
He knows you are prepared to cross that line. And its planted a seed of doubt about you.

So your strange reaction to your friend going to a wedding that you claim you are not bothered about has brought those feelings to the surface that he has been suppressing.

I have no judgement about your past behaviour btw, but I do understand why your husband does not 100% trust you. Because trust is something you have to hold on, well, trust. That's why it is so easily lost and almost impossible to regain.

Perhaps your friend and her dh have seen your ex more often than you think and kept it secret from you so it wouldn't upset you.
Did your current partner know you were in a relationship when you had an affair with him?