Ex getting married, just caused a row with DH

[Exgetshitched]

Name changed here as outing if you know me and the situation.

Was in a long term relationship, foolishly cheated on partner so ended the relationship. A year later I got into a relationship with the man I had the affair with. Years later, we’re married and have two children.

I haven’t seen my ex in years, but one of my friends boyfriends still see him regularly. Meaning my friend does as well.

My ex is getting married this year, which I have absolutely no issues with. My friend and her boyfriend are going, again no issues with this. Tonight another friends husband told me he had an evening invite to the wedding, I was a bit surprised as whilst they saw each other loads as a group when we were together they’ve seen each other twice in the last 8 years. After the initial surprise, I really am fine with it.

What did bother me though was his wife, my best friend, thinking about going. She started off saying, she didn’t like weddings and probably wasn’t going to go, to realising our other friend was going to be there and then basically making plans to go.

I still see my best friend frequently but she will not go on nights out anymore as she doesn’t like drinking. So it bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding, which will involve heavy drinking.

I just tried to speak to my DH about how that made me feel and he just lost it at me.

Apparently, it shouldn’t bother me at all that my friend was going along to a wedding with her husband. Apparently I shouldn’t have spoken to him about my feelings and if anything I should be trying to reassure him.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see it from the angle that she’s going to support her husband. I’m not convinced that is why she’s going. I also am genuinely not bothered this he is getting married, otherwise I wouldn’t have been mentioning anything would I?

I don’t know how to handle this with my dh now, especially as he announced he has never gotten over the fact I cheated. Surely, I don’t still deserve to be punished for that all these years later?!

I don’t understand at all why you are upset about your friends going to your ex’s wedding. He didn’t treat you badly so what is the issue? I don’t get it at all.
Secondly, the fact your so very much over thinking this is bound to upset your DH because it sounds like you’re irrationally jealous.

Do you think you’re feeling she’s betrayed you by arranging to go? Is that it?

You’re being irrational and you know it. Your ex wasn’t the cheat or someone who made you look an idiot, you hurt him, Then you rightly ended it.

You’re behaving like the injured party and that’s wrong.

Your h has no right to “punish” you or anyone for that matter. He chose to have a relationship, then get married and have kids. Nobody held a gun to his head so tell him to back off with the power grabbing bs. You’ve paid your dues, you’ve served your time and he needs to stop.

You also need to stop trying to control what others do. Many friends would’ve dumped you because of the cheating, your friend didn’t. To expect that she never goes to anything that you wouldn’t go to is bonkers.

Take yourself off for a walk or something and thrash all this out in your head. You know you’re a bit mixed up somewhere here.

When you boil this down, your friend is going to a wedding and you aren't happy about it. That's unreasonable of you. Your friend can go to any wedding (or any night out) she likes. Even if she hasn't seen him in years - why would that bother you?

So this has to be about your ex. Because it isn't normal to be concerned about what your friend does on a night out.

Is it a residual feeling about your ex?
Is it that you have some guilt still, and by your friend attending, you feel that she is showing sympathy for him and therefore judgement on you?

I think your friends probably all felt very sorry for your then husband, when you cheated on him and left him. They would have seen first hand the pain he went through, despite being your friends too and presumably trying to stay neutral. However they probably are especially keen to go to his wedding because it's a sense of it being a happy ending for him, some happiness after a long time of pain. You're not seeing this bigger picture, you're just seeing the cheating as a fact that people should get over. They haven't; not your friends who want to show support to the betrayed partner, nor your now husband who seems to feel quite acutely that if you'll do it with him, you'll do it to him!

OP isn't coming back and this is going to get zapped for "privacy concerns".

Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. Yabu.

Actually, I find the people who don't understand why the current H (former OM) doesn't trust OP as she cheated, have a stranger attitude than OP.

People on here are perfectly able to crow about how the OW who ends up living with the H, will never be able to trust him. So why is it so hard to understand here? OP's current H knows the lies OP told to be able to see him. He believes she is capable of lying like that again to cheat on him. Having crossed that line, he believes she is capable of doing it again. Its very simple.

I don’t think you are ‘fine’ with him getting married.

It’s unclear why your husband is annoyed with you for cheating. Correct me if I’m wrong, he was the affair partner and you both eventually got married and now have children? He might be annoyed if he sensed an ounce of jealousy, but it doesn’t make sense about the cheating as he was the one you were cheating with
I assume because he didn't realise she was with someone else at the time and cheating. Just thought he was dating a single person

Come on op put yourself if your dh shoes , if he left his wife for you but was upset that a friend was going to his ex wife’s wedding wouldn’t you be annoyed with him for bringing this up ?.
I get it’s the fact she won’t go to the pub but will go to a wedding but it’s different going to the pub is for drinking a wedding is for a wedding the drinking is a bonus but it’s not the same as going to the pub .

I don’t see why this would bother you at all. Your friend is allowed to attend a wedding if she so wishes. Non of your business.

@zeldaonadreamcloud

Actually, I find the people who don't understand why the current H (former OM) doesn't trust OP as she cheated, have a stranger attitude than OP.

People on here are perfectly able to crow about how the OW who ends up living with the H, will never be able to trust him. So why is it so hard to understand here? OP's current H knows the lies OP told to be able to see him. He believes she is capable of lying like that again to cheat on him. Having crossed that line, he believes she is capable of doing it again. Its very simple.

@zeldaonadreamcloud - that’s what I’m reading from this too.

I think even now he’s been with OP and had kids etc maybe he’s been told or found out about OP’s behaviour (an affair is never right no matter how young you are) or maybe he’s had a lightbulb moment and realised it’s not the best thing to do to people - how he got with OP.

It’s all about trust and lies. OP just needs to listen to her DH and ignore what her best friend does, who can do as she likes, to a wedding and drink how much she likes, especially if her boyfriend is friends with the ex-DP.

You’re not fine with him getting married. Saying. “I had no issue with it” about a male friend going, is really weird. Why on earth would you have an issue with it? No-one needs your permission, and it’s none of your business. A normal reaction would be to think “I’m glad he’s met someone, I hope they are really happy together” as you treated him badly.

Or, did you actually want to stay with him after cheating , but he ended it? And that is why you are upset.

I have to be honest, I’m also quite bemused by rhe whole I’m fine with it, I’ve no issues with it. Why on earth would you not be fine with it, it’s not something you’re expected to habe issues with, it’s not your role to give permission here. You seem to think it is, like you have a say.

I think everyone can see your husbands point, and it does look like you lied to him as well when you cheated, and may be lying to him again about your feelings for your ex.

This one has red flags all over it . Great big red flags.

Its none of your business
Your friends have an opportunity to go on a night out and theyre taking it
Whats the problem????

You are in the wrong here.

If your ex had cheated then I guess I would see why you would feel a bit upset but he hadn’t so why would you be upset with your friend?

Your friend can do whatever she wants and just because she doesn’t want to go out drinking with you, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to go out with her husband or to a wedding.

If I was your DH I would be upset that this is such an issue for you too.

Apologise to your DH and don’t mention it again to him or anyone else.

You do sound pretty self centred - you cheated on your ex, you don’t want your friend to go to a wedding and now your annoyed that your DH is upset.
Sometimes we need to look at our own behaviour.

I still see my best friend frequently but she will not go on nights out anymore as she doesn’t like drinking. So it bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding, which will involve heavy drinking

Why would she have to start heavy drinking-that’s bizarre!?

Get over yourself. It's nothing to do with you who attends a wedding or why

When you say you foolishly cheated, it makes me wonder, are there still feelings there?

I think you’re completely overreacting to your friend going. You sound very immature to be honest.

Several issues here:

Firstly, it’s not uncommon for people to assume that friends will only remain friends with one or the other when a couple splits and to see friends remaining friends with the ex as some kind of betrayal. It’s a normal thought process but it’s not ok, as people are individuals in their own right and shouldn’t feel obliged to stay friends with one or the other.

Your friend is obviously your ex’s friend as well. And tbh it’s likely that they have seen each other since the split, she just hasn’t felt the need to tell you because frankly who she’s friends with is none of your business.

you feel you own this friend, but you don’t.

Secondly wrt your dh, one of the biggest reasons why relationships which start out as affairs don’t work out is because they are built on a foundation of dishonesty and deceit. your dh knows that you cheated with him, therefore he has every reason to think you could cheat on him. Even if you say that’s not the case, he has evidence that you’ve cheated before and rightly or wrongly this has played a part in how he feels about your relationship.

The truth is that you’re never going to be able to reassure him. He doesn’t trust you, and regardless of whether he was your affair partner, he has reason not to. So it needs to be up to him whether he actually trusts you, or whether, given the circumstances, you would be better off apart.

Friend wants a night out. Wedding evenings are a good laugh and are free entertainment apart from bringing a gift and buying whatever drinks you want. It sounds like you are jealous about not being able to join your friends for a night out rather than your ex getting married.

Absolutely none of your business. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. so you should keep your opinions to yourself. How dare you try to police your friends actions. What is wrong with you?

THe problem here is that your DH doesn't entirely trust you, because you cheated on your ex with him.

It doesn't mean that you would cheat on him with someone else, but everyone always does trot out the old trope of "if they've cheated before, they can cheat again" and "leopards don't change their spots" - and there's no reason why this doesn't apply to women as well as men. So maybe he still worries about that.

If this is just FOMO on your part, then ok - if you're feeling that your best friend is somehow slipping out of your life because she no longer wants to go drinking with you, then fair enough - but your DH's reaction is understandable IF he's feeling insecure, as above.

You need to just let it go as far as your ex's wedding is concerned. Weddings are not like an evening down the pub - everyone knows that there is more likely to be a lot of drink taken, but that's not the ONLY reason people go to weddings, not even just the evening reception! So you're being a bit silly to be snitty with her over her wanting to go to a wedding reception but not wanting to go to the pub.

So, your current DH is a man you had an affair with, then chose your exP, and dumped him. Then after you broke up with your exP, gave your now DH a second chance, ended up together. And you can't see why your exP - the one you picked when you had an option of both men - might be a sore spot for your DH? That you being upset about his wedding might make your DH feel all the emotions from back when he was first dating you (as an affair) and you dumped him?

Your friend is a different issue - of course she should go to the wedding as her dhs date. I've been to so many weddings over the years where I haven't met the bride or groom, but my DH knows them and I'm his "plus 1". Its nice to have someone to dance with. Its nice to have someone a bit more sober to sort taxis home! Could it be her DH is closer to your ex than they've let on to you? Bit awkward for joint friends.

Not getting what's bothering you. I guess you have regrets that he's happy and your friend is celebrating with him? Not sure why though.