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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If your parter was bisexual would it bother you?

275 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 05/03/2022 20:17

I'm watching the love is blind on Netflix and one of the people participating has been with both men and women, but has decided he wants to be with a woman and has gone on the show

Anyway it got me thinking and would a man being bisexual put you off him?

I used to have a boyfriend who I knew had kissed other men when drunk a few times

He was AMAZING in bed, absolutely gorgeous and I fell in love with him quickly, it never even occurred to me to be bothered that he'd kissed men. Although he hadn't had sex with a man as far as he told me, so perhaps that different?

Interested to hear others thoughts

OP posts:
BabyNo11989 · 07/03/2022 11:10

My OH is bi, which he did “reveal” very early on in the dating process, as well as having been previously married. I also then shared some info I feel is relevant about myself… I guess these facts about ourselves are what some people would call “deal breakers”. To others they are non-news and everyday stuff.

I suppose in our case we put these things out there early doors so as not to have invested too much time should the other person take issue with these.
On the other hand you also need some degree of familiarity / trust to share with this person.
It’s a tough one.

Had that been the case though, neither of us would have been offended. Disappointed maybe. Hurt, probably.
But peoples preferences are rarely rational or something they can control. Usually a product of past experiences / upbringing whatever it may be.

I always just think whatever it is, and regardless if it’s a deal breaker for you personally, be kind. They are sharing something they’ve probably been knocked back for previously.

Spose it’s all just part of the dating game!

In our case, neither of our “deal breakers” were a problem at all, as it turned out.
He is without doubt the most kind, considerate and amazing partner I’ve ever had and I’m thankful every day we met.

It never enters my mind about the sexuality, but for his ex wife it was a big problem.

Everyone is different.

I will say he definitely educated me on the whole perception of sexuality, the etiquette of it all etc. and I’ve grown as a person so much due to this.

It will ultimately come down to is this person the right one for you?

And if they are, none of it really matters.

OliveToboogie · 07/03/2022 15:54

No from me

RedRobyn2021 · 07/03/2022 18:02

@BabyNo11989

My OH is bi, which he did “reveal” very early on in the dating process, as well as having been previously married. I also then shared some info I feel is relevant about myself… I guess these facts about ourselves are what some people would call “deal breakers”. To others they are non-news and everyday stuff.

I suppose in our case we put these things out there early doors so as not to have invested too much time should the other person take issue with these.
On the other hand you also need some degree of familiarity / trust to share with this person.
It’s a tough one.

Had that been the case though, neither of us would have been offended. Disappointed maybe. Hurt, probably.
But peoples preferences are rarely rational or something they can control. Usually a product of past experiences / upbringing whatever it may be.

I always just think whatever it is, and regardless if it’s a deal breaker for you personally, be kind. They are sharing something they’ve probably been knocked back for previously.

Spose it’s all just part of the dating game!

In our case, neither of our “deal breakers” were a problem at all, as it turned out.
He is without doubt the most kind, considerate and amazing partner I’ve ever had and I’m thankful every day we met.

It never enters my mind about the sexuality, but for his ex wife it was a big problem.

Everyone is different.

I will say he definitely educated me on the whole perception of sexuality, the etiquette of it all etc. and I’ve grown as a person so much due to this.

It will ultimately come down to is this person the right one for you?

And if they are, none of it really matters.

Beautifully put
OP posts:
QueenCamilla · 08/03/2022 03:03

I'm attracted to heterosexual men. I wouldn't date a bisexual (someone who actively identifies as one)
I would get the ick.
I would get the ick from someone religious too.
Thought of lesbian sex is off-putting in equal measure.
So here I am - heterosexual as F!
The poster who said - we should all be able to choose our partners in MIND and BODY is 100% correct. And that's what we all do, nay??

Or are bi-sexual men somehow particularly put upon by my straightness?
Mumsnet is like a metaverse of bi-people frothing at the mouth for not being able to shag the straight ones! Strangely enough, no one has "challenged" me in real life 🤷‍♂️

QueenCamilla · 08/03/2022 03:09

And from my Straight perspective :
I had a mmf threesome with a full understanding that both men are straight.

I turned down a mmf threesome with bi couple. Cause it's all different. Even if only in my head. Just... No.

QueenCamilla · 08/03/2022 03:17

I think I just realised my sexual fantasies are bi-phobic! Shock
Wtf now?? Is there a treatment for this?

RobertSmithsLipstick · 08/03/2022 03:27

It wouldn't bother me.
I would probably want to hear some details. Blush

Sunnytwobridges · 08/03/2022 16:23

This would be a no from me

Jackofallsorts · 08/03/2022 16:38

No. I'd find it sexually unattractive.

psychomath · 08/03/2022 21:44

This is an interesting thread. I'm bisexual myself and was surprised at first by how many people say it would be an issue - not saying people are wrong/bigoted for feeling that way, it's just a feeling I can't really understand or empathise with. But on reflection, there are a few sexual kinks that would immediately and irreversibly kill my attraction to anyone who had them, no matter how much I fancied that person before I found out. I don't mean things that are immoral, like paedophilia, or things that simply do nothing for me, like bondage, but rather fetishes that irrationally squick me out even though they're harmless and I fully support other people's right to practice them. I suppose no longer being attracted to someone if you find out they're bisexual is similar?

MrsBerthaRochester · 08/03/2022 21:54

I used to be on a well known sex site. Huge amounts of men on there had "straight" as their sexual orientation but were meeting men or couples for sex. It confirms to me that men will essentially shag anything.

georama · 09/03/2022 10:58

@MrsBerthaRochester

I used to be on a well known sex site. Huge amounts of men on there had "straight" as their sexual orientation but were meeting men or couples for sex. It confirms to me that men will essentially shag anything.
So all men are bisexual because of a few men on a sex site?
Explorer233 · 09/03/2022 12:24

@MrsBerthaRochester
Was that Fabswingers by any chance ?
It’s full of dishonest men and fake profiles in my experience

JungleBerry · 09/03/2022 12:39

I don't think it always comes down to a fear bisexual partners are more likely to cheat. I can understand why that is biphobic.

I don't think it's right to say any and all reasons for dismissing a relationship with a bisexual partner is biphobic though.

Sex and attraction are one of those things that no one should have to justify to anyone else.

If I find it a turnoff that someone who's my partner is sexually attracted to other people of the same sex that's entirely my right. No one has to find anything attractive. No one else would or should be asked to justify their sexual preferences so I don't think it's right in this case either. I just wouldn't find it attractive for me personally and that's that.

I have absolutely nothing about me that's biphobic or homophobic. I don't need to be open to a relationship with a bisexual for that to be the case imo.

JungleBerry · 09/03/2022 12:43

I don't think as many men would care about their female partners being bisexual though.

I do wonder if it's because men have simpler turn ons when it comes to sex whereas women's are a bit more complex/in depth.

I don't know? I'm sure there's some interesting psychology around this subject going on 🤷‍♀️

JungleBerry · 09/03/2022 13:26

Not respecting other people's sexual boundaries by calling them a bigot for having them is really dodgy

I agree.

bluesberry · 10/03/2022 02:38

@JungleBerry

I think more men are fine about it but the other side of it is some people fetishize their bisexual partners and that can be problematic too.

While some people are ok with being fetishized, many are not.

bluesberry · 10/03/2022 02:58

@JungleBerry

Not respecting other people's sexual boundaries by calling them a bigot for having them is really dodgy

I agree.

Totally agree with this too!

The assumption that someone who isn't attracted to bisexual men is somehow saying something about their values and other things about them as a person....

I could make assumptions about those who are quick to come to those conclusions too....not respecting boundaries, narrow-mindedness under the guise of being open-minded, backwards for telling someone their sexual preferences are 'wrong'.

Where does it end? Everyone judging everyone for their preferences and attributing negative reasons to their preferences , instead of simply accepting them!!

I've seen threads from young people on reddit where they were dating someone who is trans and when the person reveals the truth (before they have sex) they don't want to continue dating them and they definitely don't want to have sex with them. The person then accuses them of being transphobic or else there have been other cases where their friends say it was transphobic and they are bad people basically. Then the person is upset and conflicted because they didn't want to hurt the person and wonder if they should have gone through with it anyway.

Many of us have been there in the past going along with things we didn't want in case we hurt or offended the person and that's not something people told us to do....but now people are actually being told you're biphobic, this, that and the other if they don't want to date or sleep with certain people. It's completely wrong and certainly not the message I will be giving my kids!!

There's also threads from women who don't want to sleep with their husbands after finding out they're bisexual, they don't know if they want to remain in their marriages....I totally understand that that would be painful and hurtful to their husbands, but that doesn't mean the wife has done something wrong, is she supposed to continue to have sex with him when she's no longer attracted to him??? Some women probably will if they are treated like they're bad people for being turned off him. But no one should ever have sex that they don't want to have!

MoniqueK · 13/03/2022 16:28

The only question you should be asking is "does your partner's bisexual tendencies threaten your current or future relationship?" If the answer is no, then move on with your life. My husband is very straight but he is fully aware that I am attracted to both men and women and I have physical encounters with each in the past. None of that threatens our current relationship, nor should it. We are both committed to each other and while I will never lose my bi side, our sex life is second to none.

Sunnydaze22 · 13/03/2022 16:30

Yes, I think it's more the possibility of cheating that seems to be an issue and that is possible in a totally straight relationship.

Lots of people on this thread hiding being bi from their partner it seems, not sure why that's an issue

Sideorderofchips · 13/03/2022 19:37

Doesnt bother me in the slightest

Ori18 · 13/03/2022 19:53

I would not date a bisexual man. Nor would I find him attractive. Because I would always know that he might prefer a male interaction over a female one & that’s something I can never compete with. Also, if he likes sex with men, that physically would be a complete turn-off for me. I don’t even know why. It would just give me the ick

LifeIsBusy · 13/03/2022 20:01

Wow.
I just didn't realise how closed minded people were.

Personally I would have an issue because he's male, not because of his bisexuality. I am a lesbian so I think that's at least justified.

I however would not give too hoots if my wife told me she was bisexual at any point in time.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 13/03/2022 21:24

@JungleBerry

I don't think as many men would care about their female partners being bisexual though.

I do wonder if it's because men have simpler turn ons when it comes to sex whereas women's are a bit more complex/in depth.

I don't know? I'm sure there's some interesting psychology around this subject going on 🤷‍♀️

Why do think this is, are men more accepting of openness?
Lambkin689 · 13/03/2022 21:27

Not really, because the marriage vows would still apply in the exact same way. He promised to never leave me nor forsake me, not just for another woman, but for anyone or anything. Marriage is a commitment to faithfulness in every respect.