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Original poster

If your parter was bisexual would it bother you?

275 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 05/03/2022 20:17

I'm watching the love is blind on Netflix and one of the people participating has been with both men and women, but has decided he wants to be with a woman and has gone on the show

Anyway it got me thinking and would a man being bisexual put you off him?

I used to have a boyfriend who I knew had kissed other men when drunk a few times

He was AMAZING in bed, absolutely gorgeous and I fell in love with him quickly, it never even occurred to me to be bothered that he'd kissed men. Although he hadn't had sex with a man as far as he told me, so perhaps that different?

Interested to hear others thoughts

OP posts:
mummykel16 · 05/03/2022 23:42

@Jouleigh

I genuinely don't know how I feel about it. I also really struggle with people always having to identify themselves.

I was married to a man, had children and divorced

My wife also married a man had children and divorced.

I had only been in relationships with men as had my wife.

We were friends at work for a decade. Now we are married. There was no cheating. No feeling for anyone but the people we had married/dated and then each other.

I never know what to put on a form. Am I gay/lesbian/bi or do I just love the person I'm with.

If our marriage failed then I don't have a clue what I would put into the online dating info.

I loved my husband. I love my wife.

It's a question that doesn't need asking.
me4real · 05/03/2022 23:46

It would depend on what he was, like maybe.

I'm bi and I don't think it makes me more likely to cheat. So if people are thinking that, it's pretty much biphobia.

Men can be sleazy (or the occasional one non-sleazy) and that'd be the case whether they were gay, straight, or bi.

me4real · 05/03/2022 23:46

*what he was like

2020in2020 · 05/03/2022 23:48

See @Ursusmajor I can see and genuinely understand as a bisexual person, your reasons there. We all have our preferences and I will fight to the death for people to have freedom of choice and speech and not be pressured into accepting sexual partners (particularly in light of recent identity politics), so fair play if that is how you feel. But anyone saying “oh because what if they shag / think about shagging the sex they aren’t currently in a relationship with”, that is biphobia and I’m not saying you need to change your preferences, just acknowledge that you have a predjudiced idea of bisexual people.

bluesberry · 05/03/2022 23:54

@Wanderingowl

I am absolutely fine with just referring to myself as heterosexual, as are many other heterosexual women, the only reason comments like "I am only attracted to heterosexual men" even comes up is because people are expected to provide answers and explanations about the nuances of their own sexuality because when they express a preference they are questioned and criticised.

Claiming this, that and the other as sexualities annoys me too, but If a group of people are going to be constantly questioned or criticised for expressing their own preference in their sexuality then this is actually a case where I would be in favour of a new label or a separate branch of heterosexuality, so that it can accepted and respected as valid....because what actually happens is that women with a clear preference are told they are biphobic and homophobic, which to me implies that they are saying that our sexuality and nuances of our sexuality are a choice!!!

bluesberry · 05/03/2022 23:58

@Wanderingowl

Lesbians can only experience attraction to biological women. They can not, ever be sexually attracted to a transwoman. It's not physically possible. Comparing your preference with someone else's immutable sexuality, is really not even a little bit ok.

So what would you call it if a woman was only attracted to women, but could be attracted to biological women and to transwomen???

bluesberry · 06/03/2022 00:00

Clicked submit too soon.

Some transwomen look exactly like women and no one would know they weren't born that way unless they were told...are you saying it's not physically possible for a lesbian to be attracted to them???

JustAnotherCrack · 06/03/2022 00:01

[quote bluesberry]@Wanderingowl

Lesbians can only experience attraction to biological women. They can not, ever be sexually attracted to a transwoman. It's not physically possible. Comparing your preference with someone else's immutable sexuality, is really not even a little bit ok.

So what would you call it if a woman was only attracted to women, but could be attracted to biological women and to transwomen???[/quote]
Bisexual. Transwomen are males

Wanderingowl · 06/03/2022 00:02

[quote bluesberry]@Wanderingowl

Lesbians can only experience attraction to biological women. They can not, ever be sexually attracted to a transwoman. It's not physically possible. Comparing your preference with someone else's immutable sexuality, is really not even a little bit ok.

So what would you call it if a woman was only attracted to women, but could be attracted to biological women and to transwomen???[/quote]
Bisexual. Trans women are biologically male.

bluesberry · 06/03/2022 00:05

@Wanderingowl
I am seriously confused. Are you saying that a lesbian who was attracted to women couldn't physically be attracted to this transwoman? even if they didn't know they were trans?!?
If she looks at her and is blown away by her beauty and extremely sexually attracted to her then she stops being lesbian and she's suddenly bisexual?

If your parter was bisexual would it bother you?
Wanderingowl · 06/03/2022 00:07

@bluesberry

Clicked submit too soon.

Some transwomen look exactly like women and no one would know they weren't born that way unless they were told...are you saying it's not physically possible for a lesbian to be attracted to them???

Yes they would. Maybe they can't tell from a heavily filtered, carefully staged photograph. But in actual life humans are exceptionally good at distinguishing the sex of other humans. And women are better than men. We know through sight, and not just from faces and bodies. People can tell the sex of a walking silhouette with high precision. But voices and scent all let us know on conscious and subconscious levels. No lesbian can ever be sexually attracted to a trans woman. It's impossible.
Obira · 06/03/2022 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

11GrumpsaGrumping · 06/03/2022 00:09

Wouldn't bother me

bluesberry · 06/03/2022 00:10

@Wanderingowl
but yet some women who call themselves lesbian date trans women.

Wanderingowl · 06/03/2022 00:10

Bullshit. You aren't confused. You are trying to make some sort of gotcha point and don't give a shit that you are fucking over one of the most increasingly marginalised groups in our society to do so. The narrative you are pushing here is disrespectful and downright dangerous for lesbians. And I for one won't be letting it go uncalled out.

Leave lesbians the fuck alone.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/03/2022 00:12

[quote bluesberry]@Wanderingowl
I am seriously confused. Are you saying that a lesbian who was attracted to women couldn't physically be attracted to this transwoman? even if they didn't know they were trans?!?
If she looks at her and is blown away by her beauty and extremely sexually attracted to her then she stops being lesbian and she's suddenly bisexual?[/quote]
If a straight man was attracted to the transwoman pictured, would you insist that he was in fact bisexual? You would think his sexuality changed even if he didn't know they were trans?

Or would you think that he was still straight but just happened to find someone attractive on sight who he thought was a woman, but wouldn't want to have sex with them if he knew they were trans?

If the latter, why would you think any differently about a lesbian?

Wanderingowl · 06/03/2022 00:13

[quote bluesberry]@Wanderingowl
but yet some women who call themselves lesbian date trans women.[/quote]
And those women are also playing a role in the way our society is becoming increasingly dangerous and hostile to lesbians. The word lesbian has a meaning. It means women who are exclusively attracted to women. It never means anything else. Ever.

bluesberry · 06/03/2022 00:14

@Wanderingowl
No I genuinely was confused.

Some lesbians do date transwomen. I was extremely confused by what you said about it being physically impossible.

What on earth are you going on about? I'm not pushing any narrative at all. It is quite clearly you who is pushing a narrative.

You certainly provided a gotcha moment but that absolutely wasn't my intention!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/03/2022 00:14

[quote bluesberry]@Wanderingowl
but yet some women who call themselves lesbian date trans women.[/quote]
And they are free to label themselves how they want.

It is not right, however, to insist on changing the definition of other people's sexualities based on hypotheticals / gotchas.

JustAnotherCrack · 06/03/2022 00:18

The thing is lesbians don’t….
They may insist they are lesbians but biologically if they are shagging males, they are not.

bluesberry · 06/03/2022 00:21

@youvegottenminuteslynn

*If a straight man was attracted to the transwoman pictured, would you insist that he was in fact bisexual? You would think his sexuality changed even if he didn't know they were trans?

Or would you think that he was still straight but just happened to find someone attractive on sight who he thought was a woman, but wouldn't want to have sex with them if he knew they were trans?*

I would think he was straight if he was turned off her when he found out that she was trans. I would think he was perhaps bisexual if he wasn't.

If the latter, why would you think any differently about a lesbian?

The poster I was responding to was the one who said that .' If you can't actually tell if a man is het or bi, then that is not something that can possibly form a basis in your sexual attraction. You can still have personal preferences, deal-breakers, things that automatically exclude a potential partner, etc. But those have pretty much fuck all to do with physical/sexual attraction. I have a number of personal preferences and deal-breakers but just knowing that someone isn't someone I'm likely to be able to be happy with, doesn't actually stop me from being physically attractive. It makes me choose to not act on that attraction but it's not part of my sexuality.

Surely you can see the hypocrisy!!!!!!!!!!!
I hadn't even seen her posts on lesbians when I responded to the first one so I was stunned that she could feel so strongly about heterosexual womens attraction changing if they find something out such as that the man is bisexual!

bluesberry · 06/03/2022 00:23

*And they are free to label themselves how they want.

It is not right, however, to insist on changing the definition of other people's sexualities based on hypotheticals / gotchas.*

Well please tell that to that poster who has a problem with heterosexual women labelling themselves as heterosexual women who are only attracted to heterosexual men!!!!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/03/2022 00:30

Not sure what's up with the tone and all the exclamation marks @bluesberry - it's a discussion forum and I asked some genuine questions and contributed my thoughts.

I didn't attack you or make any accusations but you have responded as if I have.

It's an interesting topic but you're writing from a point of attack vs defence when there is lots of nuance involved.

bluesberry · 06/03/2022 00:32

@youvegottenminuteslynn

My tone is because I was asking genuine questions and got attacked by that poster and you then jumped in making the same points as her!

TedMullins · 06/03/2022 00:38

@owlinnahat

I am bisexual, as is DH (he actually ID'd as gay for a while before we met), so obvs I'm fine with it. I have actually only ever encountered the "it's just a personal preference of mine to find bisexual people untrustworthy and disgusting" brigade on MN. I think if I met someone in real life who said that I'd develop a quick personal preference to not be friends with them. Hmm
Completely agree. The biphobia is strong on here, and doesn’t reflect the views of the people I associate with. I would find it a huge turn off if I found out a friend regarded bisexual people this way.
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