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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

354 replies

cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 05:32

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks HmmBecause 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 05/03/2022 05:37

ring your landlord and ask if you can have your flat back. be completely honest and explain the situation. Do it this weekend.

You are in serious danger of becoming a financial convenience. Your place in his order of priorities is clear. His lack of respect for you is clear. He's showing you who he is. Don't ignore it.

Wallywobbles · 05/03/2022 05:39

When someone shows you who they are listen.

Stop now. Stop unpacking. Repack. This is not going to.get better. Otherwise he will be saying all.the time if you don't like it you can leave.

Can you stay with your parents? Or somewhere else? I'm afraid.this relationship over. it's shit but really don't go ahead.

Solasum · 05/03/2022 05:40

This is what the rest of your life could look like. Don’t do it.

Wallywobbles · 05/03/2022 05:41

If needs be you can get a storage unit for your stuff v quickly. Then it's just you looking for a place to stay. A.furnished rental is going to be off season right now as a v temporary solution.

AllMonstersAreHuman · 05/03/2022 05:42

Do not move in with this man! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
It won't get any better, it'll get worse! Do yourself the biggest favour and cut all ties with him and move on while you can!

BlueSummerBaby · 05/03/2022 05:45

Bin him off. He's no good. Find somewhere else to live ASAP. This is only going to get worse. There's no justification for speaking to you like a pile of shit. Even less justification for shutting you down when you try to stand up for yourself!

autienotnaughty · 05/03/2022 05:48

Agree with other posters you deserve better. Will be harder to leave once you are moved in. Regardless of his mental health there's no need for him to be rude to you. This should be a fun ,nice time moving in together. Try to cancel your notice or ask to stay with friends/family while you sort something.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 05/03/2022 05:48

This must feel really hard, but you know there is a reason you posted. Anything you feel and experience now will be amplified when you move in, but I think you already know this. It's incredibly hard (i have been in a similar situation before) but can you just put a hold on things? Not cutting him dead (in his mind) but to give yourself some headspace? You need (imo) some more time not living together to work out if this man is for you.

Lifeisbeautiful01 · 05/03/2022 05:52

This is at the start of living together…the bit where it’s new and exciting. Imagine how it’ll be in a couple of years. He sounds absolutely vile and he’s letting you know that in advance. I wouldn’t say a word, book a van so you can take everything at once, book a storage unit if need be and get yourself back to the family and friends he’s said “fuck them all” to. They’re the ones who love you- he’s a world of abuse right about to happen!

Buildingthefuture · 05/03/2022 05:55

This is a look at the next 10 years of your life. Definitely do not move in with this asshat. Ask your landlord if your flat is still free. If not, stick your stuff in storage and find somewhere temporarily. It will all be a bit painful and a bit of a ball ache, but in the very near future, you will see this as a lucky escape. He will kick up and tell you it’s you and you are being unreasonable…or he will suddenly turn into Mr Nice Man to try and get what he wants. Look him in the eye and say very clearly….I do not give two fucks what you say. I am not continuing in this relationship. Then grey rock the horrid wanker. You deserve far better than this op xx

needanewplannow · 05/03/2022 05:57

I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

He will never take responsibility for how he makes you feel. This will not change. You can't explain it to him, he doesn't want to know.

Thank goodness he's showing you who he is so soon. You now need to act on this. Your instincts are good, listen to them. Protect yourself - he's not going to - and run.

What practical steps do you need to take to leave?

Original poster
cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 06:00

I rent though an agency and they are closed for the weekend so will need to wait until Monday.

We were planning to move more stuff today. What do I tell him? That I'm not ready?

I have nowhere to go, family lives miles away.
We had an argument on Monday last week because he was speaking to me like crap and I have started packing. He didn't speak to me for a week and said how I treaties him like Shit and how I cruel it is of me not wanting to move in when his DD got so involved and was over the moon I was moving in. His DD is lovely but I don't want my life to look like this

OP posts:
theculture · 05/03/2022 06:04

So sorry this is happening but DD isn't your responsibility and it won't be good for her to live in a house where she sees this kind of relationship anyway

Hope you are ok, are you scared of what will happen when you tell him?

justthecat · 05/03/2022 06:05

Use this weekend to move all your stuff back to your flat then speak to the agency on Monday. Do not move in with him

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 05/03/2022 06:07

Well done for being so aware of a disaster waiting to happen. Give yourself some credit for that, OP.

Use today to move your stuff back to yours. Ring the agency first thing Monday (are you sure you can’t contact them today - how do tenants report emergencies?) and fall on their mercy. Explain you are avoiding an abusive relationship and you need their help.

As for your partner: you can tell him the truth, mostly, that the relationship isn’t working for you. And that that is bad for you, him and his daughter. And repeat.

Do you have a car? Are you reliant on him for moving stuff?

Original poster
cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 06:08

I'm not scared of him. Rather scared of him becoming super nice, telling me what I want to hear and two months down the line I will be back to square1. If not worse

OP posts:
needanewplannow · 05/03/2022 06:08

How about you tell him you don't feel like moving today and go out somewhere. Go visit a relative or a friend if you can maybe?

It doesn't matter if he thinks you're being unreasonable!

Yafilthyanimal · 05/03/2022 06:10

Do not move in with this person.

He is showing his true self and you don't need to put up with that.

needanewplannow · 05/03/2022 06:10

Actually if you're not scared if him, just start moving stuff back.

Before that, write yourself a list of everything he's done to you that's unkind or upsetting. And then read it back to yourself if he puts on the charm. Remember that's the real him, not the being nice act. You deserve better than this Flowers

Original poster
cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 06:11

It doesn't matter if he thinks you're being unreasonable!

How does it not? I don't want to be unreasonable person

OP posts:
LucyLocketLostThePlot · 05/03/2022 06:13

@cantsleepatnight

It doesn't matter if he thinks you're being unreasonable!

How does it not? I don't want to be unreasonable person

It's not unreasonable to change your mind.
Original poster
cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 06:13

I have a car and will be able to move everything myself I think. It is just going to take a few rounds but that's no problem

OP posts:
Aldehyde · 05/03/2022 06:14

He's emotionally manipulating you - his behaviour is to blame here for any consequences for DD, not you. You're not a sacrificial lamb giving up your life & boundaries because someone's fragile ego demands it.
It will be uncomfortable until you can escape, but you do need to. You can always be vague by saying you dont want to pick more stuff up yet. It's ok to have boundaries & not to have to justify everything.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 05/03/2022 06:14

"He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes"

In other words, how dare you not sympathise with me when I abuse you?

He's overplayed his hand, if he'd managed to keep the mask up just a little bit longer until you were living there, it would be much harder to move out.

Don't move any more stuff in this weekend, fake covid symptoms if you have to. Just buy time and work out how you can extend your lease/ find somewhere new. You can always pick up your stuff with a friend/when he's out at a later date. Dont worry about that at the moment. First things first, and chin up. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now, in time you'll see this was a lucky esape Flowers

MintJulia · 05/03/2022 06:14

What he thinks doesn't matter.

You aren't being unreasonable. You're protecting yourself from a future miserable life, and this is the first step. Just tell him you aren't feeling great, have a headache, whatever, and need a break from moving stuff.