In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

[cantsleepatnight]

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks Because 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

You had a lucky escape there !
Never doubt yourself , you've 100% made the right decision .

So pleased to hear you've been able to keep the flat on
Don't feel the need to get into the details with him, tell him it wasn't working. He'll try and gaslight you otherwise.

When people show you who they are, believe them, I'd be getting out of this now.

Thing Is OP, he can only make you feel bad about yourself if you listen to him. Plenty of PP on here have said he's manipulative and abusive. You will never please him and he was breaking you down.

You genuinely have had a lucky escape. Please LTB and stop listening to him. Cut off his bile and poisonous talk. Perfect timing to have to isolate with covid!! You will start to feel better with NC from him. Enjoy your own space and your flat, accept that your relationship with his DD is at an end. He was making you miserable, it was unliveable situation moving in with him. Talk to your family. I bet they will be relieved and be supportive.

He turned out to be an unpleasant controlling wolf in sheeps clothing, as abusive men often are. You haven't lost a perfect relationship you have saved yourself from a terrible one. He isn't the man you thought he was. This wasn't the great romantic relationship you thought it was. You may be wounded and hurt to realise that, but take some time to recover and heal, and don't think you're down and out!! There are far better men out there!!!

We had a chat last night. I have told him he had a massive credit of trust which he destroyed and because of that we will never live together and I will never have children with him.

I have told him he treats me badly, he didn't agree. I have told him he promised me I will have a peace of mind in this relationship and the last three weeks have exactly proven how much his promises are worth. I have also agreed to live with him on condition that we will be looking for something decent and he has changed his mind last minute after I handed my notice for the flat. I told him I feel deceived, let down and I'm not having anyone in my life treating me like this.

Basically, he 'disagreed' with any of this. Told me how much he loves me, that he treats me well and wants me in his life, that I have a freedom of doing what I want he isn't forcing me to anything. He said all the situations form the last three weeks were also my fault and I need to admit that as he addmitted his fault too. He told me that I must be having issues with my ego and I'm too stubborn to accept I'm at fault because I've overreacted and got angry for no reason. He said he doesn't want to argue and I wind him up by finding problems everywhere because I'm so argumentative. Apparently I also should apologise for saying all the above because it hurt him and he is trying his best to make me happy.

He has transfered the money for the meal I paid on Friday.

I think I need to put postits with 'don't listen to him' everywhere still have some stuff in his flat so can't end it now

Thank you everyone for all advice here it's amazing and kept me going for the last few days. I have reread the thread a few times now.
I'm still in shock but it starts to settle

He's a manipulative liar who refuses to respect your feelings and is trying to impose is world view on you. You were supposed to put up and shut up, and now you're not so he will be pushing his narrative harder than ever.

Either send someone round for your stuff or bring someone with you, but do NOT spend a moment alone with him.

I have been reading your thread from the start OP and I am really pleased that you have gone back to your flat.

These types of men always play the same game. They lull you in with promises of blah blah blah and then reveal their true personalities once they think you have given up your security (your flat in this case) and moved in with them.

Any effort to try to get him to see things from your point of view is a waste of time and energy. He simply has no interest in an equal relationship. He will play the game of course and give you his non-apologies (with a load of blame thrown in your direction for good measure) but his apologies are empty and meaningless, because he feels that he is entitled to behave as he damn well pleases. He has already shown you this.

I can guarantee that if you ever moved in with this man he will bring you down to your lowest ebb and have you convinced that black is white and night is day before very long. This type of person is only interested in getting what they want and if he has to destroy your confidence and sense of self to get his own way then this is the price that you will pay for being in a relationship with him. Do not be fooled by his pathetic mind games, you are smarter than this.

You had the strength and wisdom to go back home. All you need to do now is to collect your remaining possessions and cut this wanker off without a backward glance.

He told me that I must be having issues with my ego and I'm too stubborn to accept I'm at fault because I've overreacted and got angry for no reason

I suspect that's projection. What a horrible man. Please don't doubt yourself. He thought he could manipulate you because you were now vulnerable. It's surprisingly common how the mask slips around the 2 year mark or when there is commitment.

You have had a lucky escape and fortunate that you have stood up to him. Well done

I can see you may need some interaction with him till you have all your stuff back, but please don't engage with him - he will do everything he can to get inside your head and make you doubt yourself. When you tell you it's your fault, just shake your head mournfully and say you're sure he's right. Do not try to make him "see" and don't try to get closure. There is nothing to be gained for it. Frankly, be prepared to walk away from some of your possessions if you need to - it's quite likely he'll hang to them as it's his chance to talk you round.

You know what, it doesnt matter whether you have done x y z wrong too or whose fault your problems are. Your relationship doesn't work. You aren't happy together and won't be if you cohabit. Somethings just don't work. You don't need to spend time going over who did what. A relationship should enhance your life. This doesn't. Just end it.

As you're poorly is there a friend you could send round to collect your stuff? Or somewhere he could drop it off?

Is there anything crucial there or could you 'afford' to lose any of it?

He sounds awful. We’ll done for being brave enough to keep your flat and not move in fully.

Omg op that update! He is a nasty gaslighting prick.

He HASNT accepted fault.
He HASNT appologised.
He HASNT met you half way.
He HASNT kept his word.
He HASNT made you feel safe, reassured or loved.

He HAS turned it all round on you. Gaslighting.
He HAS told you you were 'overeacting' (for daring to call him out on his shitty behaviour). Gaslighting.
He HAS instead, asked you to appologise for hurting HIM (because in his mind its all 'me me me')
He HAS acted like a complete narcissist. Because he clearly is one.

I'd actually end it and shut down further conversations op. This bastard is a headfucker of the highest order. Run for the hills!

And as pp said, dont waste any more time trying to explain why his obviously hurtful behaviour us hurtful. He absolutely knows what he has done. He just doesn't want you to know that. He'd rather drive you mad.

He's basically the snake from the Jungle Book. Dont be drawn in.

How do you feel about what he's said to you OP?

You see, I TOLD you he'd say nasty stuff once he felt he was losing his grip on you. It's all bullshit, it's just the relationship equivalent of putting your phone in rice after dropping it in the loo, it probably won't work but it's worth a try because it's broken anyway.

Lucky escape. You don't need someone like him messing with your head.

@cantsleepatnight

Stuff is just stuff. Unless it's expensive, irreplaceable, or sentimental it's not worth keeping this farce of a relationship going just to get it back. So think about what's there and decide if it's really worth putting up with him just to get it back. A laptop? Sure. But some clothes or dishes? Maybe not so much.

My god, this is EXACTLY the kind of thing my ex did. Made ME apologise for HIS shit behaviour, made me accept some of the ‘blame’. This man is TOXIC to the core. Please OP, do not get tangled up with this absolute emotional abuser. I’m raging on your behalf having been through the same script. My situation did not end well, and this won’t either OP. Stay strong, if needs be gradually back off (which is what I did) until you feel strong enough to completely end it. Stuff is just stuff as another poster said. It can be replaced - your self esteem, sanity and emotional well being will be much harder to get back if you stay.

@cantsleepatnight you can end it if he's fit stuff at your fiat. Just message him (one last time before blocking) tell him that his stuff is outside in a box. You're isolating so won't open the door.

@Pinkbonbon

Omg op that update! He is a nasty gaslighting prick.

He HASNT accepted fault.
He HASNT appologised.
He HASNT met you half way.
He HASNT kept his word.
He HASNT made you feel safe, reassured or loved.

He HAS turned it all round on you. Gaslighting.
He HAS told you you were 'overeacting' (for daring to call him out on his shitty behaviour). Gaslighting.
He HAS instead, asked you to appologise for hurting HIM (because in his mind its all 'me me me')
He HAS acted like a complete narcissist. Because he clearly is one.

I'd actually end it and shut down further conversations op. This bastard is a headfucker of the highest order. Run for the hills!

Yep.

You can end it. It’s only stuff.

@Pinkbonbon

Omg op that update! He is a nasty gaslighting prick.

He HASNT accepted fault.
He HASNT appologised.
He HASNT met you half way.
He HASNT kept his word.
He HASNT made you feel safe, reassured or loved.

He HAS turned it all round on you. Gaslighting.
He HAS told you you were 'overeacting' (for daring to call him out on his shitty behaviour). Gaslighting.
He HAS instead, asked you to appologise for hurting HIM (because in his mind its all 'me me me')
He HAS acted like a complete narcissist. Because he clearly is one.

I'd actually end it and shut down further conversations op. This bastard is a headfucker of the highest order. Run for the hills!

This.

He will be absolutely furious with himself that he couldn't maintain the pretence until you were fully moved in and your flat gone.

He is a very nasty man.

You are one lucky woman to have avoided the shit show that was coming your way.

For scum like him, it is the two year mark when the truth will out and the mask slips.

Havevyou a friend who will go with you to collect your stuff?

If you are afraid, you could call 101 for advice.

I hope you feel better soon.

Don't be sad.
Be grateful to your gut, and that you were clever enough to listen to it.

He’s gaslighting you and setting things up ready to do some “hoovering”. Look that up and also the cycle of abuse. Stick it up somewhere you’ll see and you will soon see how his behaviour fits into it.

Stay away from him, minimum or no contact, if you have to get your stuff take someone with you (preferably someone who looks mean and like a badass). Try to go when he’s not in.

People strong on narcissistic traits take anything less than absolute acquiescence as a personal attack. Any issue you might have will be spat indignantly right back at you, closely followed by rage and/or punishment should you not immediately concede to being at fault. It doesn’t matter the topic…anything from impactful life decisions to, “Did you eat the chocolate bar I was saving?”
The chocolate bar will soon become a symbol of your greed rather than theirs. You’re petty, overreacting, being ‘weird’ about a bar of chocolate, obviously in a bad mood, starting an argument…whatever. Before you know it, the fact that they knowingly ate your treat and didn’t apologise is forgotten…only your unreasonable conduct matters now and the evening/weekend/holiday is in ruins. Your fault.

Your role is not to have expectations of them, it is to fulfil theirs.

If you have the slightest inkling that this might be your guy, take this out and never look back. Never look back.