In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

[cantsleepatnight]

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks Because 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

Run! He has shown his true colours. Please don't move in - just call your landlord and get your flat back. If he is like this now it will only get worse

Echoing PPs, please don’t move in. I felt tense reading your information. There is so much wrong with the way he is behaving and treating you.

You wrote “He didn't speak to me for a week and said how I treaties him like Shit and how I cruel it is of me not wanting to move in when his DD got so involved and was over the moon I was moving in.”
Please see his behaviour and comments as really manipulative. He does not want, or even consider, what is best for you. You are not responsible for his DD. You are responsible for taking care of yourself - please do so.
You are in panic mode because deep down you are aware this relationship is not healthy.
It isn’t easy standing up to manipulative people - especially if you are a kind, caring, considerate person, which is what you sound like. I so hope you take onboard everyone’s advice and that you decide to not move in with him, and even start taking things back this weekend. The first car load needs to be all the items you love or need the most, in case he becomes subsequently more difficult. If it makes it easier for you, tell him it’s temporary, you just need a little more time to get your head round moving in and losing your own space - maybe even say something such as work being stressful so you just need a bit of space. Don’t be fooled if he changes tactics this weekend and becomes charming - this will be another manipulative tactic.

Please don’t get tangled up with your worries about being unreasonable and about letting his DD down - it will be much, much harder to get yourself out of the mess if you drift into actually moving in with him due to being a kind, caring, considerate person. You so need to stop and think about your own happiness. If you are unsure now, and if he is behaving like this in what should be the honeymoon stage, think of what the future with him might look like in a few months or a few years time if you move in.

Yes, get your old flat back! Or a new one.

Plans for the future were a mirage.

This is NOT how your life would be going forward...
This is better than that...
This is the best it will be.

Do not move in.
His daughters happiness is not your responsibility.
Go live your life.. without this manipulative man.
You deserve better.

The things you’ve mentioned here - ‘disrespect’, moodiness, snapping - are red flags, and you say you’ve a list of other shit things he’s said/done, in 2 years of the relationship.

Bet there’s some stuff on that list you shouldn’t have let go and it amounts to him being bad news!

Get a storage unit today, get your stuff out and get an Airbnb for the weekend. The cost of this will be less than a life with him.

@MintJulia

ring your landlord and ask if you can have your flat back. be completely honest and explain the situation. Do it this weekend.

You are in serious danger of becoming a financial convenience. Your place in his order of priorities is clear. His lack of respect for you is clear. He's showing you who he is. Don't ignore it.

This. Quickly. Is there anywhere you can take your stuff today? Ring a moving van or family and friends to take it all in one go.

It sounds like you still have your flat for the next couple of weeks. Move your stuff back and sort it out on Monday.

Oh my OP I genuinely thought this would be just a case of cold feet and pre move nerves 😳
This man is showing you who he is. I'm appalled on your behalf of the "it's your turn to pay" bullshit !
He is pushing to see what poor/vile behaviour he's allowed to get away with. Put him straight and take your life back in to your own hands. Best of luck for the future

Run. He doesn’t respect or your possessions. Do not, under any circumstances move in with him.

Say you need more time to see if his “depression” is going to negatively impact your life, and if he tries to use his DD as a guilt trip say you find the fact he weaponises his child deeply concerning and unappealing.

Good luck.

Be wary OP. I think he will really turn on the charm when he sees his cook/cleaner/emotional punchbag/childcare and extra bank account about to walk away.

I agree you should get rid of him but if you don’t feel strong enough to end it then just say you need more time and continue to only date for now. See how dating goes over the next year or two. Find your self worth (which you are doing already!) If he wants to stay with you he needs to get his shit together and learn how to treat you right and prove it (over several years not days!)

You should be full of excitement and hope for the future moving in with a new partner not dread and worry about what your life will be like. Ask for your flat back.

Enjoy keeping your independence and if you want to find a new relationship expect them to treat you well or be binned!

I agree with everyone else. I'm sure he can turn on the charm but you are seeing the real him now. You know what, I think that if you do say you're not moving in, his biggest concern will be the finances. I think he's using you. He sounds a really really horrible man actually.

You are not being unreasonable.
I wasted my 20s and 30s trying to please a man like this. I'll never get those years back. I'll never be that young again.
I know how difficult it is to put yourself first, when you've been conditioned in to believing that your own happiness is selfish.
But, do it.
We split after 11 years (he left me for someone else, actually) and within 3 months, I was over it. Over him.

The practical stuff is not insurmountable.
And, like a PP said, you will look back on this and see how narrow an escape you had.

Wishing you all the best.

Please don't leave it until you are under his roof (which you'll probably end up paying for) before you think about what you truly want for your life. It's not too late to step away now.

Moving in together should make you feel good and excited for the future.

The fact you are up in the middle of the night asking strangers on the internet should tell you something. You know the answer. You have these voices in your own head telling you it's not right and can't ignore them.
If you need permission and for people to tell you that you're not a bad person, you're not.

Sometimes it takes moving to the next level to see the bigger picture. You've seen it. It's not a nice picture. Get out before it gets worse or more complicated

What a difficult situation especially as a child is involved. This should be exciting and fun moving in together you really shouldn't be feeling the way you are. Many have doubts but your concerned with the way you are being treated. Unfortunately if its like this now once things get even more comfortable I assume it will only get worse. Dig deep and think about yourself you are going to have to be selfish and think about your needs even if it upsets your partner and his child.

Don’t move in!!!! You should feel excited and loved up for such a move. He is making you doubt yourself and in long term this will completely destroy your confidence. From what you’ve described here, your relationship is over.

He's emotionally manipulating you - his behaviour is to blame here for any consequences for DD, not you. You're not a sacrificial lamb giving up your life & boundaries because someone's fragile ego demands it.

This. You are not being unreasonable. He is manipulating you. Using the excuse of mental health to treat you like shit and stamp on your boundaries.

It will not get better. And if you stick it out it will be harder to leave later, both financially and emotionally.

Have your leggings agency re-let the flat yet? Have you handed back the key? If not, return there ASAP. Do not, under any circumstances succumb to pleading or promises of him being a better person. This is how they suck you in and it won't last.

Please don't stay, repack your stuff and head back to your flat. If need be you can hire a small storage locker for your stuff if it doesn't workout with your original flat but do not stay. As pp said this should be fun, but his daughters shift in attitude "daddy said I could", her going through your things, his nastiness and inability to be decent even if he's having a bad day all big red flags.

You can retract your notice to your current landlord. Presumably no one has viewed your flat? I would do that, immediately, and probably ditch him at the same time

His daughter his concern, don't get bogged down with this.

You are the one in control of your own life and future.

This is an absolute game changing moment for you, if you don't walk now you are going to end up miserable. I have never said this before on here... you have the chance to stop a potentially future messy situation.

@cantsleepatnight

It doesn't matter if he thinks you're being unreasonable!

How does it not? I don't want to be unreasonable person

The thing is though, you're not really confused about whether you're being unreasonable or not, are you?

You know you're not being unreasonable to dislike being ignored, blamed and accused by your supposed loving partner.

You know you're not unreasonable to object to paying for a dinner you didn't promise to pay for or get any say in.

You know you're not unreasonable to not want your concerns waved off with a "Fuck everyone" or claims that you're making a big deal out of nothing.

You know you're not unreasonable to expect to be asked before someone hands out your stuff to someone else.

You know you're not unreasonable to think being ignored for a week after a conflict is horrible and unfair.

The only thing you're really confused about is why someone who claims to love, respect and care about you sometimes (quite often, by the sounds of it) behaves like they hate, disrespect and don't care about you.

The reason is very simple. Your partner is not mentally healthy. His behaviour is inconsistent, emotionally-driven and abusive because it is founded in a pervasive sense of victimhood, lack of responsibility and entitlement.

Anyone who has dealt with an abusive partner and learned how to understand it will be able to see this perfectly clearly. When you understand how abusers' brains work, their patterns of behaviour are extremely predictable.

I strongly recommend reading a book like Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. It will be eye-opening for you.

His victimhood can seem justified because quite often people with these mental conditions have been victimised in the past. The important thing for you to remember is that they weren't victimised by you, they're not being victimised now, and if their past trauma is causing them to behave in difficult and hurtful ways, it is their responsibility to seek professional help to understand their own minds and behaviours and learn how to manage their own fears and behave more healthily.

Your only responsibility is to protect yourself, and in fact, immediately drawing a hard boundary against the kind of disrespectful behaviour your partner is showing is the best thing you can do for both you AND him. If he is shocked enough by your refusal to move in with him until he has sought treatment and proven that he's fixed his unhealthy behaviours, he may actually be motivated to do so. Be aware that it's very very unlikely that treatment will improve his thinking and behaviour to a point where it's healthy for you to reconsider moving back in for at least one year. That's an absolute minimum.

Better still might just be to end this and seek someone who is genuinely healthy enough for a relationship.

Please don’t stay with this man - he will be even worse if you have your own children.
Can you move your stuff back to your flat, at least until you speak to the EA on Monday? I know it will be hard work, but you will be in your own space.

What the other respondents have written. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS MAN. His daughter also is not your responsibility. You have to walk away here and end this relationship with him.

I would also suggest that going forward, you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Abusive men like this can and do wreak boundaries and you need time and space to heal from this abuse of you before you embark on another relationship. Abusers tend to show their true colours more around the 18 month to 2 years mark properly and I am glad you have posted here. I think you were targeted and additionally had your boundaries tested by him and he found those wanting so continued with his pursuit of you.

It's been said already but start moving things back to your own place if you can and just stay where you are. Don't put yourself in a crap position with him. Dump his rude sorry arse