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Original poster

In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

354 replies

cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 05:32

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks HmmBecause 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
GinGym · 05/03/2022 06:16

Get out now. Please do not move in with this guy. He has shown you how unpleasant life will be for you and you aren't even properly moved in. End it and never look back.

needanewplannow · 05/03/2022 06:18

It doesn't matter if he thinks you unreasonable because he is mistreating you, and if you are going to leave him, then what does it matter if he - a thoroughly unpleasant man who treats you badly for it and never been so much as acknowledges it let alone deals with it or apologies - is annoyed that you aren't doing what he wants or expects you to?

This is how you will be trapped in this relationship, if you are too scared to do something he doesn't like or complains about because you are too conditioned into being nice.

You are going to have to accept he is not going to be happy about you leaving. He won't give you his blessing or understanding, no matter how you try to explain it to him.

needanewplannow · 05/03/2022 06:20

Also, there is a difference between him thinking you are unreasonable and you actually being unreasonable.

What he thinks isn't law.

He has treated you badly. You leaving - for an hour, a day or (preferably) forever is perfectly reasonable given the circumstances, no matter what he thinks.

Aldehyde · 05/03/2022 06:21

Actually just seen the later bits, yes if you have a car & he won't turn nasty then get started on your reversing maneouvre today. Worst case you have 2 weeks back in your flat to find somewhere else, but here's hoping they let you stay.

needanewplannow · 05/03/2022 06:23

Sorry if I sound harsh! I used to be so conditioned into putting other people first, I stayed years longer in terrible relationships than I should have done (yes, more than once, what a waste of my life).

I hope you manage to get out, this won't improve. Flowers

Rainbowqueeen · 05/03/2022 06:27

He is gaslighting you massively. And being incredibly nasty. I’m not surprised you have changed your mind.

Don’t move in. A decent partner might be a bit frustrated that you changed your mind but they would listen to your concerns and be happy to wait until you feel comfortable.

I get the feeling his relationship with his DDs mum ended when she was quite young and probably for similar reasons

SallSall · 05/03/2022 06:29

Regarding his anxiety and depression - no excuse for being horrible to you. my loved ones who have anxiety are wonderful loving people, they just happen to have anxiety. It is an excuse to emotionally blackmail you.

Partyatnumber10 · 05/03/2022 06:34

What do I tell him? That I'm not ready?
You tell him that you have been unhappy the last few weeks and that he isn't treating you well.
Are you wanting to sustain any sort of relationship with him afterwards? Personally I'd be cutting all ties, he sounds awful!!

How does it not? I don't want to be unreasonable person

Just because he thinks/says it doesn't make it the truth you know? It sounds as if being with this man has really battered your self-esteem.

Honestly OP I think you know what you have to do, is this man a positive in your life at all? What are his good points?
Please move back to your flat this weekend and at the very least ask him to stay away for a few days so that you can do some serious thinking.

Riseholme · 05/03/2022 06:36

Hell no.
Do not move in with this man.

You wouldn't put up with this behaviour from a work colleague. This man is supposed to love you!

theremustonlybeone · 05/03/2022 06:38

Pack your stuff up and move it back. Maybe do the first round discreetly if you can so he doesn’t get angry and stop you getting the rest.

Definitely right to be worried as this isn’t a good relationship

isthismylifenow · 05/03/2022 06:41

You have a glimpse of how things are going to be if you do move in.

Stop packing your flat up and email the agent today so they get the email first thing Monday. Then you have time to think about your relationship generally.

Suprima · 05/03/2022 06:45

He sounds vile. He clearly doesn’t like you very much.

You are going to be used for childcare, sex and housework. That will be your life.

Him being ‘super nice’ is him switching it up from his usual yarn of nastiness and selfishness masquerading as ‘anxiety’ to keep you dangling.

Absolutely do not move in with him. You will be a fool if you did.

Make up an excuse- covid, car trouble, family emergency…and talk to your agency on Monday.

PoniesLove · 05/03/2022 06:47

Don’t move in! Please!!! 🚩

WouldIwasShookspeared · 05/03/2022 06:49

Don't do it. When he's got you stuck in his place he'll be even worse!
He wants you there to do the grunt work.
He's actually treating you like shit in advance, he's that sure you'll take it!

Campervangirl · 05/03/2022 06:53

You know that saying "if someone shows you who they are, believe them" he's showing you who he is.

Ring the agency first thing Monday, if your flat has already gone ask if there's something else on there books.

Stop unpacking and quietly repack, don't say anything, if you can get your flat back take the day off on Monday and move when he's at work.

This will be your life going forward if you stay, read all the other posts on MN from woman who are trapped in relationships with controlling men, giving you the silent treatment is a form of control.

Save yourself op please ❤️

iRun2eatCake · 05/03/2022 06:53

If you move in with him when he is treating you like this already then you are a complete fool.

BlueSummerBaby · 05/03/2022 06:53

@cantsleepatnight

It doesn't matter if he thinks you're being unreasonable!

How does it not? I don't want to be unreasonable person

Him thinking you're unreasonable doesn't mean you are unreasonable.

That's how you've ended up in this situation in the first place. He says "you should put up with xyz or you're mean" and you believe him. Stop believing him. He's lying to get what he wants.

TokyoSushi · 05/03/2022 06:56

No no no no no no no

Thank goodness you spotted this now OP, start moving back today!

BlueSummerBaby · 05/03/2022 06:56

You are going to be used for childcare, sex and housework. That will be your life.

You forgot cash. He's got form for using her for money too.

StopStartStop · 05/03/2022 06:58

Run!
Well, pack your car and move back to your flat.
He has shown you who he is. Fix that in your mind, don't let him talk you round.
You were the donkey he'd found to carry the burden of his dd, his housework and financial needs, to be rewarded with the occasional ride.
Don't do it. Escape now!

Lengokengo · 05/03/2022 06:58

An earlier poster said that you posted on here for a reason and I fully agree! You know, your gut knows and also HE knows that you would get a shit deal by moving in with him.

Great that you have the independent means to move stuff back. Prioritise valuables and important stuff in the first load back, as he may play unfair once he sees the reality of the situation. Keep things breezy while you move back. People you don’t suspect will turn nasty absolutely will of they feel humiliated or that they aren’t getting what they want.

Deafdonkey · 05/03/2022 06:59

Please please please pack up and home back to your flat.

GeneLovesJezebel · 05/03/2022 07:01

No, no, no, don’t do it.

BlueSummerBaby · 05/03/2022 07:02

You are going to have to accept he is not going to be happy about you leaving. He won't give you his blessing or understanding, no matter how you try to explain it to him.

And for the record OP, you don't need his permission, agreement or acceptance. You can move back out/break up with him regardless of whatever he thinks about it/you.

KindlyKanga · 05/03/2022 07:02

Please don't move in with him. It won't get better