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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

354 replies

cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 05:32

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks HmmBecause 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 05/03/2022 09:41

You know what you have to do, don't you? Back out now, before it's too late. He's looking forward to having someone do the bousework and help with childcare, but he's NOT ready for a full time to committed house share.

MrsBlaue · 05/03/2022 09:44

He sounds horrid.

Please don’t blame the girl though, she would have behaved differently if her dad wasn’t such a waste of space.

I’d run FAST.

Original poster
cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 09:52

I'm in my flat. I'm taking my nephew out to the park for a few hrs but will be back later to read and respond to comments. Taken some stuff and said I need to clean the flat so will be here most of the day. He still was half asleep when I left and doesn't want to speak to me after I asked last night to transfer the money for the dinner as I'm not paying for it.

I need to talk to him today.

It's reassuring knowing I'm not alone in this 💐

OP posts:
Rainbowpurple · 05/03/2022 09:57

Honestly OP, disappointing your partner's DD can't be priority in this situation. Think of yourself, put yourself as a priority and decide. Don't move in with him.

bibliomania · 05/03/2022 09:58

You're actually lucky that he failed to hide his essential unpleasantness just another couple of weeks - it would have been harder to reverse this once you'd actually moved in. Don't do it. I can guarantee it would be miserable.

spacehardware · 05/03/2022 10:02

I'm glad you're away from him. Don't let him sweet talk you - it sounds like he's so indifferent he may not even bother to try which is good. But it's likely that at some point he will want a convenient source of childcare/cooking/cleaning/sex and get to bring you round

Also - really important - just because we are all saying he doesn't really love you and is just using you for convenience, you must not in any way interpret that as meaning that's all you're worth. You deserve good things not the crumbs this man throws at you.

diddl · 05/03/2022 10:04

Hopefully "the talk" will be you ending things!

Don't get sucked back in by knowing that things can be good sometimes.

That's not enough!

ilovebrie8 · 05/03/2022 10:09

Don’t do it OP! You can back out now...you’ve had a glimpse and it’s not pretty of what life will be like. Don’t move any more stuff say you are unwell and get on the phone first thing Monday morning ...

Mojoj · 05/03/2022 10:14

Get out now. It won't get any better. His daughter's not your responsibility but your own happiness is. Good luck.

morbidd · 05/03/2022 10:17

Even if your flat has gone. You can use those two weeks to find something to move into quickly.

BlueSummerBaby · 05/03/2022 10:20

@diddl

Hopefully "the talk" will be you ending things!

Don't get sucked back in by knowing that things can be good sometimes.

That's not enough!

And a few years after you've left him when you've realised what "good" actually looks like, you'll realise that even the "good" with him was shit, it was just less shit than the truly shit times
Monr0e · 05/03/2022 10:28

Please please please don't move in with him. He sounds awful. He didn't speak to you for a week? Imagine living with someone actively ignoring you with no safe space to retreat to. Plus he treats you with utter contempt.

How involved are you with his DD when you are there? I'm guessing he wants a live in housekeeper and nanny, because he certainly doesn't sound like he wants you there because of how much he loves and cares for you

pictish · 05/03/2022 10:32

You’re not alone. I’ll be checking in to see how you are and wishing you strength with what’s to come.
Seriously, this guy has no respect or care for you. Don’t take it personally…I imagine he’d be the same selfish, rude, domineering, self-pitying twat whoever he was with. It’s nothing you have done. To take people in good faith is a virtue. To rid yourself of toxic people is a skill.
You’re doing great. X

daisy46 · 05/03/2022 10:32

RUN and don't look back.

loveyoutothemoon · 05/03/2022 10:33

Do you have an emergency number for your letting agency? I can call mine if I need to. I'm sure they wouldn't mind a call.
He sounds like an arse, I wouldn't move in with him 100%.

daisy46 · 05/03/2022 10:39

@cantsleepatnight

I'm in my flat. I'm taking my nephew out to the park for a few hrs but will be back later to read and respond to comments. Taken some stuff and said I need to clean the flat so will be here most of the day. He still was half asleep when I left and doesn't want to speak to me after I asked last night to transfer the money for the dinner as I'm not paying for it.

I need to talk to him today.

It's reassuring knowing I'm not alone in this 💐

He was taking his daughter out to dinner and made you pay for it? Yeah, in any world where you take turns paying, that doesn't include taking care of his parental responsibility to feed his own child.
Pinkbonbon · 05/03/2022 10:41

It's called 'the cycle of abuse' for a reason. If they were nasty all the time, you'd be much less likely to stay.

'Depression' is also commonly used by abusers to make you feel you should just put up and shut up when they abuse you. Not to say abusers can't also be depressed of course. But it would not excuse abuse anyway.

Your feelings are valid, remeber that.

He sounds selfish and nasty and I think you'll look back and see you've had a lucky escape not moving in with him.

Life is too precious to spend with dickheads.

Pinkbonbon · 05/03/2022 10:49

Also, relationship should nevervinvolve q partner throwing a strop or taking a huff like a 5 year old. It's toxic. He is emotionally stunted and that will never change.

Maybe check out spare room/easy roommate sites and also and storage centres near you (fir any of your furnature). Just incase you can't get a full flat on time. You don't want to end up crashing at his 'in the mean time'.

Oh and, don't tell him you are looking for other places. Or at least, don't tell him any specific places you have asked to view (not until any lease is signed). Just incase he phones them and messes it up for you out of spite.

TammyOne · 05/03/2022 10:54

Good for you OP. And please try and tune out the panicky messages about getting a storage unit or calling the agencies emergency number. Just retract your notice on Monday (no need for begging, just explain) . It is unlikely the landlord wouldn’t accept that, and even if they said they wanted you out you still legally have lots of time to find somewhere new. It’s not that easy to turf a tenant out ( I’m just talking worst case and I’m sure it will be fine).
I see no need to talk to this man at all. I think you should send a couple of mates or your dad to get your stuff and then ghost him.
You want to explain, to make him understand. He won’t EVER accept blame or see your point of view. There’s no point trying, honestly. He will try and make you feel guilty about his daughter and manipulate your kind heart. Stay gone and don’t get dragged in again.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/03/2022 10:55

Moving in with him would be the biggest mistake of your life. Get rid of this loser.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2022 10:55

@cantsleepatnight

I rent though an agency and they are closed for the weekend so will need to wait until Monday.

We were planning to move more stuff today. What do I tell him? That I'm not ready?

I have nowhere to go, family lives miles away.
We had an argument on Monday last week because he was speaking to me like crap and I have started packing. He didn't speak to me for a week and said how I treaties him like Shit and how I cruel it is of me not wanting to move in when his DD got so involved and was over the moon I was moving in. His DD is lovely but I don't want my life to look like this

Do not move anything else.

Ring the agents on Monday.

Move your stuff back

PoshPyjamas · 05/03/2022 10:56

I know it’s hard when they can be lovely sometimes, but this man will get worse when it’s harder for you to leave.

MotherofTerriers · 05/03/2022 11:05

I think you were incredibly lucky that his mask slipped before you had moved all your stuff and unpacked.
Please don't worry about him thinking you are unreasonable. A) that doesn't mean you are unreasonable and B) he may well know fine that you aren't being unreasonable but knows what buttons to press to bring you back in line
He won't want to lose your childcare/cash/housekeeping/sex so expect him to be really lovely when he realises you've gone.
You could always agree to rebuild your relationship but delay moving in.

tkwal · 05/03/2022 11:08

He's taking you for granted already . Spending a lot of time together isn't the same as living together. It sounds as though he doesn't respect your boundaries and doesn't intend to make his daughter do so either, this could mean if you try to impose your boundaries on her you will end up being painted as the evil stepmother. I think you need to reconsider your move, at least for the time being, postpone moving anything else and tell him you need to keep stuff in your flat until actual moving day. His daughter is an issue in another way too, how would she feel if the two of you formed an attachment but you ended up feeling unable to stay with her Dad ?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/03/2022 11:10

I felt very panicky reading your OP. You’re doing so well to have recognised what’s going on and to be at home for today. Take a minute to recognise how positive it is that you’re clear-eyed enough to see that the way he’s behaving is out of order and that your life will be better away from him.

This is when MN is at its finest. You’ve got so much support and excellent advice.

Now is the time to keep moving forward. Stay strong, keep busy today, hold firm on not moving in. If you’re with your nephew does that mean a sibling is close by? If so you could take them with you when you collect your things.