In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

[cantsleepatnight]

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks Because 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

As it is your belongings, did you explain to his daughter that his permission doesn’t extend to that? Why was she going through your stuff in the first place? Do you see how disrespectful that is from both of them? At 9, she should have an understanding of that, too?
He is disrespectful to you, and to your family. You deserve better than this, and really need to start standing up for yourself a whole lot more. Pack, and run!

Go back to your flat if you can. But also - for some reason (I don’t know why) I feel he may get nasty if you ‘announce’ you are not moving in. So be breezy until you’ve got the important stuff back at your flat.

Get your stuff and go as fast as you can. This will get worse. In a year you will be n here telling us how awful your life is , but by then you will be adding in that you are 6 months pregnant. He is not a nice person. Stop being so passive. Nice people say NO too.

Be strong OP and assert your boundaries firmly. Do not move in, it is HIS fault his daughter will be disappointed, NOT yours. If he was a nice person his daughter would reap the benefits of a nice partner (you), but he’s not.

All abusive men are nice sometimes or women wouldn’t be with them/stay. It takes a woman in an abusive relationship up to 7 times to leave. Mine was 3 - it wrecked my life for 3 years until I realised he wasn’t going to change and was getting worse. He is controlling (the meal out) and nasty.

Phone him up, tell him you have changed your mind & need your things back. Don’t listen to his ‘nice’ side - it’s not real, it’s a front.

Do not see him, don’t speak/text much if anything with him.

Please OP, be strong. You will be eventually broken if you stay with this man.

Also read ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. It started my road to realisation about who my partner was.

Once you’ve told him go out for the day - shopping, anything. Get yourself away and really think hard about treating yourself with kindness & dignity - because he isn’t and never will.

Credit for not turning a blind eye to this situation-listen to your head, it is telling you what you need to do.

You are not unreasonable in expecting to be treated with respect, in what should be your new home. What you see is what you get and if you stay in this situation will just continue & snowball. Not speaking to you for a week after an argument is an indicator of emotional immaturity and manipulation. He will tell you what you want to hear to change your mind - don't fall for it.

I can only echo others. Please do not throw your lot in with this man.

“He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.”

This was enough for me, never mind the rest (which is predictably textbook awful).
He is paving the way to speak to you like shit and then have you feel sorry for him. What. The. Fuck.

You are quite correct. Put the halters on the move now if you can.
You have described more than enough to rightly turn to him and say, “I’ve been thinking. I don’t like the way you treat me and I’ve changed my mind about moving in with you.”

Trust us on this one.

Listen to your gut instinct OP. Better to do it now when there's a good chance of staying in your flat than moving in with all your stuff and having nowhere else to go. You'll be glad you did this in the long run.
Wishing you all the very best.

As someone who moved in with a partner of nearly 4 years to move out again 12 weeks later - listen to yourself and don't do it. It is fully reversible, trust me this will be much easier both to do and on your pride than if you let it go further

Do not move in with this person, OP. It will only get worse.

Even if he is treating you like this out of 'anxiety and depression and can't help it' still not ok - in fact more of a reason to steer clear and look after yourself. Setting fire to yourself won't stop him from burning.

A man who ignores you for a week because he's in a mood is showing you that he doesn't love you. Whatever he tells you, that's not what love looks like.

As for making plans with his DD to go out and spend your money, fuck that shit. Chuck this one back in, he's not a keeper.

@cantsleepatnight

Thank you all! You aren't harsh at all and I need to stop putting everyone's wants and needs before mine.

I'll look online for rooms to rent in case the flat is already gone. It wasn't advertised but you never know.

I already feel bad about it all. I feel sorry for his DD because we do really have a lovely relationship. I have made a list of shit situations he has put me through to remind myself of what I need to do because I already have a wobble about it and I'm starting to think I'm overreacting

You are NOT overreacting Please carry through with this. I too made a list of unhappy evenings, times I cried, activities I ended up paying for, unpleasant exchanges and plain rudeness. I was astounded I let so much stuff go or dismissed as minor. Please put yourself first, ensure your happiness, security and wellbeing are safeguarded and take stack of where you are in life. You sound a lovely caring and thoughtful person - you deserve contentment and someone who loves you.

But your intuition is telling you that despite some lovely times you shouldn't move in with him

So I ask again - why be so passive and allow him to treat you badly? Why aren't you putting yourself first?

Go back to you flat alone today on the pretense of packing.

Stay there.

Call agency on Monday

When someone tells you that your hurt feelings over their rudeness and aggression is your failure as a partner, you turn heel and walk in the other direction.

No messing.

"I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks hmmBecause 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could".

Purely on the basis of your above comment I would surmise that his daughter's relationship with you is actually not as lovely as you think. Look at her main male role model; he's no good at all and she could turn out to be just like dad. Also her dad is always going to take her side; two against one here and they would both disrespect you further if you were stupid enough to move in.

You do indeed have to stop putting everyone's wants and needs before your own but you're going to need some counselling here to do this. Where did all that start with you; people pleasing behaviour generally starts by wanting to parent please a difficult or otherwise emotionally absent/unavailable parent.

Don’t tell him you’re not ready or need more time. Tell him definitively you have decided not to move in with him.

Don’t move in with such a horrible person. You know it wouldn’t be right and he will probably get worse not better.

I would end it completely if I were you.

Please listen to your gut. He is an abusive man. It’s much harder to spot it when you’re his chosen victim (as I know from experience), but you’re smart and you’ve worked out what he is for yourself. Best of luck and please don’t move into his place no matter how much he claims to “love” you. He doesn’t. He only loves himself.

Please listen to everyone here telling you to listen to your gut feeling. Today you need to wait in for some sort of inspection of the boiler/garden/electrics, send a text about it. When you are back at the flat, have bought some time to think, unpack and take moment. You're staying where you are and need to tell him. Then phone him, if you need to write it out then do it and read it to him

I'm sorry, I'm not moving in. It isn't working for me and I think it's best for everyone to end our relationship. I know this will be upsetting and I'm very fond of DD but to drag things out further would be more hurtful to her and everyone in the long run.
I'll collect anything I've not already brought back. I'm afraid there is no discussion - my mind is made up.

Then end the call and if you need to, turn off your phone, lock your place up tight and go out with a good friend. Can someone stay with you tonight? Be firm and polite. Do not get dragged into back and forth texting or calls.
Good Luck.

He’s proper gaslighting you….. please drop him…. This was me 20 years ago…. I had 4 children during that time and he robbed me of everything….. I wish I had family, even something like this where I could get some advice. Run and don’t look back x there will be somebody else who will be wonderful for you xx

@BlueSummerBaby

You are going to be used for childcare, sex and housework. That will be your life.

You forgot cash. He's got form for using her for money too.

This.

He is abusive.

Do not move in.

Get your stuff.

If you want to be used and abused, move in.

Your gut is screaming at you, trying to protect you.

When my DH and I disagree. We still put it behind us at bed time and get the into bed and cuddle.

Never ever have we ignored each other. Or a boundary the other has fixed.

Never ever have we said that the other persons possessions were a free for all for his kids or mine.

He is not allowing you any boundaries. He is not giving the any place. It's all on his terms isn't it? Can you see that?

So he has no respect for you & is encouraging his daughter in the same behaviour.

I imagine your relationship with her might not survive much longer!

How much longer before you should be out of your flat?

If you have keys still I'd be tempted to move back in today.

What everyone else said!!! Do not move in with this man. As a PP said he has shown his hand too early, if he'd waited til you'd moved in it wouldn't be as easy to call a halt. As it is he has shown you who he is, and now you need to run. It will only get worse. Silent treatment is controlling. If you move in you give him even more control. What happens if you then get pregnant? Even more control, and abuse is known to ramp up in pregnancy.

Please please OP. End the relationship. You deserve so much better. Of course he is nice sometimes, he has to be in order to keep you interested. I know you feel bad about his daughter but she is not your problem. And better to walk away now.

Go back to your flat today on your own and stay there. See if you can get your tenancy back or find somewhere else. Tell him it's over. You honestly deserve better.