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Original poster

In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

354 replies

cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 05:32

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks HmmBecause 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
GreenFingeredNell15 · 05/03/2022 07:03

Do what's right for you. What your intuition tells you to do. If he thinks you're wrong that's fine. He's entitled to his opinion but it's YOUR life.

Get out now because to me he sounds awful

DoNotTouchTheWater · 05/03/2022 07:04

It sounds like the classic nonresident father who has picked a live in housekeeper/nanny for his children but one who has to pay for the privilege of being shown no respect by him (or his child).

It will only get worse. He thinks you’re stuck now. Call your landlord up and say you’d like to stay.

Migrainesbythedozen · 05/03/2022 07:04

He is the one who lacks empathy, not you. This is meant to be your honeymoon phase. And he is treating you like shit, all before you even move in! He is hurting you and treating you like an emotional punching bag. You know this is a mistake of gargantuan proportions. As many red flags as a communist party convention. He is too damaged, too selfish, and isn't capable of treating you like a decent human being. He is not capable of having a mature, loving, caring relationship. He is too sick, too damaged. Consider this you having dodged a bullet. BEG your landlord to take you back, even if you have to pay slightly higher rent. Whatever you do, do not move in with him. And I'd end the relationship, he is not capable of having one in his current state. He needs serious help, and to switch to a different medication, because clearly his isn't working and he is emotionally abusive.

cameocat · 05/03/2022 07:04

He is manipulating you and telling you you are being unreasonable to undermine your feelings. Having depression and anxiety is no excuse for being a shit. If he's suddenly going to be nice, to turn the situation around, that's even worse as he can be nice.

Do not move in with this man. Don't let him guilt trip you over either him or his DD.

theyarereallytakingthepissnow · 05/03/2022 07:06

It would be a really bad idea to move in with him given all the problems you've described. It's a recipe for no one to be happy in the long run, particularly his daughter who has to be the main focus.

So much easier to sort it now than later.

Shoxfordian · 05/03/2022 07:11

Don’t move in with him, tell him it’s because he’s been acting like a knob
Take your stuff back to your flat and ring the agent first thing on Monday

Longsight2019 · 05/03/2022 07:19

The advice you’ve had so far is brilliant. The worst thing you can do is ignore it.

You posted for a reason - you know this isn’t right and that it will be a huge mistake.

He sounds like a 2/10 catch and you need to be aiming far higher.

Do better, for yourself.

Speak to your family if you can.

Keep us updated. And good luck 🤞🏻

NameGoesHere · 05/03/2022 07:23

Sounds like he wants you to move in to be a cook/cleaner/babysitter. Do not move in. Pretend you have covid or something this weekend. If you move in you’re going to regret it. Listen to your gut.

lisaandalan · 05/03/2022 07:25

Please ring your landlord, explain the situation ask for your flat back, end this relationship and move on, you know it's not right, don't stay in the relationship for the sake of it and ruin your life, you are wasting time. Get out now. X

Goldfishmountainclimber · 05/03/2022 07:27

I agree with the posters above saying not to move in. Huge red flags.

Beg the rental agency to stay in your flat. And then re-assess your relationship going forward. Good luck.

spotcheck · 05/03/2022 07:29

@cantsleepatnight

It doesn't matter if he thinks you're being unreasonable!

How does it not? I don't want to be unreasonable person

Ah. OP

You've given him all your power.

Of course he will think you are unreasonable, because you are not falling in with his agenda.
It doesn't mean you ARE unreasonable.
But you know what? Fuck logics. If you don't FEEL this is right, then YOU get to determine what your next move is. You are the curator of your own life, so you don't have to do anything that doesn't feel right.

OP
He isn't treating you well. Back away before you are really enmeshed.
It WILL be hard to do it at this stage, and you will probably feel bad. Doesn't mean it won't be the right decision.
We are all pulling for you!

lisaandalan · 05/03/2022 07:30

Please move your stuff back to yours and end the relationship. X

spotcheck · 05/03/2022 07:32

And

My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do

Whenever I felt this way, it was because my gut was screaming at me and I was ignoring it.

2DogsOnMySofa · 05/03/2022 07:33

Sounds like he wants you to move in to be a cook/cleaner/babysitter

Not to mention pay for his meals out, his dd and give all your stuff to his dd

Indigoo03 · 05/03/2022 07:33

Don't move in with DP.

Original poster
cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 07:39

Thank you all! You aren't harsh at all and I need to stop putting everyone's wants and needs before mine.

I'll look online for rooms to rent in case the flat is already gone. It wasn't advertised but you never know.

I already feel bad about it all. I feel sorry for his DD because we do really have a lovely relationship. I have made a list of shit situations he has put me through to remind myself of what I need to do because I already have a wobble about it and I'm starting to think I'm overreacting Sad

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 05/03/2022 07:39

There might not be a lot you can do if you don’t have anywhere else to stay. But I would start finding a new flat immediately. You could tell him you’re having a huge “declutter” after seeing your things in boxes and start moving your stuff elsewhere to storage ready.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 05/03/2022 07:44

You really do need to stop being so passive and stop allowing people to treat you badly. Why do you do this?

BlueSummerBaby · 05/03/2022 07:47

You wereunder reacting which is why your gut instinct was screaming at you to wake up. It's quieted down now because you've decided not to do the thing that would have harmed you (which is moving in with him).

Original poster
cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 07:49

@GreenFingeredNell15

You really do need to stop being so passive and stop allowing people to treat you badly. Why do you do this?
There are also times when he is lovely, nice, treats me really well and I like spending time with his DD too. That's when I feel so happy and then he changes to this. We have plans for the future and I though he loves me too
OP posts:
hellcatspangle · 05/03/2022 07:49

You are not overreacting. Run now before it's too late - It will get much much worse.

wingscrow · 05/03/2022 07:49

I think what you need to do is pretty obvious!

Do not move in with this man and reassess the entire relationship. Red flags everywhere...

Ask you landlord if you can stay or find another rental property.

Palavah · 05/03/2022 07:50

I agree with PP that if you can, move back to your flat today, even if you don't have confirmation you can re-sign your lease: you need to be away from him. It will help you think more clearly.

Be prepared for him doing a 180 turn and being really apologetic and sweet when you tell him - it's a classic technique of abuse and manipulation to make you think he's going to change. He may well try to guilt trip you re DD. Stand firm. He's shown you who he is and anxiety/depression is not an excuse.

Frollop · 05/03/2022 07:53

Sorry to hear this OP. Definitely do not move in...he is not a nice person and his bad behaviour would escalate if you moved in.

Make sure you look for a room with a reputable estate agent.

You'll feel much more happier and confident when you seperate from this person. Have you got any supportive friends nearby?

X

Heronwatcher · 05/03/2022 07:53

Run for the hills. Even if you don’t end the relationship completely (and I agree that you should- I don’t think he respects you), live separately and maintain your financial independence at all costs. Getting into a situation where you have to rely on him would be madness.