Have I over-reacted? Struggling to forgive my DD

[thepeopleversuswork]

Found out yesterday my DD (11) has downloaded some computer games which I have been paying for without authorisation (the account was foolishly linked to my bank account. I know I have been really stupid on this front so please don't give me a hard time). I've cancelled the account, removed the games she's ordered and confiscated the laptop and her other devices for two weeks. We've had a long talk and I have let her know she has destroyed my trust and she will have to work hard to earn it back and repay the money (about £40).

She was hugely apologetic and has said she will do what it takes to make it up to me etc. We left things on friendly and loving terms last night after a good discussion: I said I loved her and would always forgive her but there needed to be an appropriate punishment and I needed her to demonstrate to me that I can trust her before I will let her download any new games. (Clearly she's not getting access to anything linked to my bank account again).

I'm still feeling really upset and angry this morning that she was able to find it in herself to do this and am struggling to move past it. I know its important to set boundaries and appropriate punishments but forgive and move on but this morning she started trying to bargain to get the game back (if I do this can I get it back in this timeframe etc). I flared up and said I'm sick of hearing about computer games and I never want her to talk to me about them again (I am sick of hearing about them tbh: I find them utterly tedious and I resent the amount of time and energy that she spends talking and thinking about them). She's a good kid, doing well at school and has other interests etc. TBH I loathe computer games, I find them to be a total waste of time and I resent the amount of time that her generation spends on them. If I could, I'd completely ban them but that's another story.

I just want some advice about how to deal with this. I've never in the past found it hard to forgive her, even if she's been really naughty. I've always thought she's a monkey but would not do anything devious like this and the whole thing has frightened and distressed me and I'm still holding quite a bit of anger towards her.

I know I need to hold the line on the punishment but move past the anger but I'm finding it hard and its scared me a bit. Any advice here?

Because "normal" doesn't mean OK. Children don't yet have a full grasp of right or wrong, that's our job as parents to guide them.

Exacty.

An 11 you can't fully understand the implications of using someone else's credit card/fraud etc. Perhaps doesn't really grasp the idea that someone has to pay the credit card bill.
An 11 year old doesn;t act with the same malicious or criminal intend as an adult, so can't be held fully accountable.

I remember having a conversation with my DD when she was around that age- I was surprised that she didn't realise that putting something on a credit card meant you did actually have to pay at some point. I think she thought is was "free" money.
My failing, I somehow thought she would have absorbed that idea, but she didn't- my failure- I had to sit down, explain how it works, show her a bill.
Then she understood.

I remember my son - whose favourite thing is games - saying to me it's so sad, the thing I love is the thing you hate mummy.

So I did explain to him that I don't hate games and I am glad he loves them. Just that it's important to strike a balance and do other things and exercise too. That life is competitive and you have to work hard.

He's 10 now (y5) and very motivated and a very independent learner, takes charge of his own homework and works hard to get good marks in his test. He has got real ownership and I think some of his gaming has taught him that because games involve projects and investment and delayed gratification - as well as the discussions we have had around balancing things out.

For all those saying that the OP's DD didn't know she was paying actual money in the apps, or who don't think it's the same thing as stealing - the OP has said the DD DID know and just thought the OP wouldn't notice because it was multiple small amounts. She didn't think about them adding up to a larger amount.

And £40 might be peanuts to some, but to others it's not - it can be the food bill for the week. Not saying that's the case for the OP, but it might be for others.

This casual dismissal of wrongdoing by kids just because they're 11 is just adding to the idea that kids shouldn't take any responsibility for their behaviour because they're just kids - they need to learn that there are consequences for doing the wrong thing, just like the OP's DD is learning.

The OP has also learnt that her DD is not beyond temptation and has protected her account so it can't happen again - so yes, she was in part at fault for not doing this in the first place but she's also learnt that lesson.

You're over reacting . Quite concerning language .

Does she get pocket money OP?

This casual dismissal of wrongdoing by kids just because they're 11 is just adding to the idea that kids shouldn't take any responsibility for their behaviour because they're just kids

No one is saying that though.
We all agree that lessons need to be learned. An 11 year old possibly did think it wouldn't be noticed, clicking a botton to add more fuel or lives seems far removed from stealing cash from a parent's wallet.

OP, the impression I get is that you’ve had a strong reaction to this because you’re conflicted about her playing computer games at all- you’ve allowed her to do it but you don’t want her to do it. All those negative feelings have to come out somehow and they’ve come out in relation to this.

Thoughts-

• You’re the parent. You could have prevented her playing at all- plenty of 11yos don’t. But you allowed her and now regret it. Worth thinking about why you allowed her. Path of least resistance?

• I don’t think that decision of allowing her can be reversed fairly. But you can address athe things that are bothering you about it. Maybe make a list.

• When you are feeling calmer, sit down with DD and explain your concerns (about the games, not about what she’s done).

• You seem v anxious about games taking over. Could you make a plan with DD to prevent this? Get her on board. Eg games only when all homework and chores are done, max 30 mins a day (or whatever). That would give you a clear line to work with- she can do X but not more- which might make you feel less worried about it.

• When she’s playing in her permitted time, let her enjoy it. Don’t be negative or make comments. You could even take an interest.

I think the level of anger and the language you are using his really disproportionate to the 'crime'. And your hatred of computer games is totally over the top and definitely your issue as perhaps you've recognised, however dc or any human should enjoy mindless things sometimes. We don't have to be doing interesting (or what is interesting in others minds ) or productive things all the time

I think some of these feelings are from displaced anger at yourself for the bank account being linked to the game account. I get that. Having read your responses you need to give yourself and your daughter a break. You can’t be Wonder Woman, as the mother to an 18 year old daughter of this is the worst you have to deal with before she gets to 21 you’ve had a lucky escape!

Just take a step back and also schedule in some joy for yourself.

Bless her, she’s only 11 and she seems genuinely remorseful. Honestly much worse things she could of done and many kids who have done similar have grown up to be lovely trustworthy law abiding people so don’t stress about it too much. If she’s doing the same at 21 then perhaps start to get a bit worried!

Quite normal teen behaviour

It is incredibly neurotic to think every activity people do must be 'productive'. How depressing. Some of the cleverest people play video games, anyway, which when used in moderation actually do help you develop skills in multitasking and strategising among others- lots of academic research on this. I say all this as a non-video game player. You have a bizarre ideological opposition to them and it's a shame for your child.

@speakout

This casual dismissal of wrongdoing by kids just because they're 11 is just adding to the idea that kids shouldn't take any responsibility for their behaviour because they're just kids

No one is saying that though.
We all agree that lessons need to be learned. An 11 year old possibly did think it wouldn't be noticed, clicking a botton to add more fuel or lives seems far removed from stealing cash from a parent's wallet.

Absolutely agree, no one’s saying she shouldn’t be told off or face any consequences, perhaps spend £40 less on something else was going to spend on her to recoup the money too, but a) she’s only 11 and b) its a first offence and c)it’s really not the crime of the century, there are about 100 worse/more stressful teenage/pre teen misdemeanours she could of done

Actually there have been plenty of people saying that it's just normal, that it's no big deal, that she shouldn't be punished etc.