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Original poster

Have I over-reacted? Struggling to forgive my DD

339 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 04/03/2022 09:12

Found out yesterday my DD (11) has downloaded some computer games which I have been paying for without authorisation (the account was foolishly linked to my bank account. I know I have been really stupid on this front so please don't give me a hard time). I've cancelled the account, removed the games she's ordered and confiscated the laptop and her other devices for two weeks. We've had a long talk and I have let her know she has destroyed my trust and she will have to work hard to earn it back and repay the money (about £40).

She was hugely apologetic and has said she will do what it takes to make it up to me etc. We left things on friendly and loving terms last night after a good discussion: I said I loved her and would always forgive her but there needed to be an appropriate punishment and I needed her to demonstrate to me that I can trust her before I will let her download any new games. (Clearly she's not getting access to anything linked to my bank account again).

I'm still feeling really upset and angry this morning that she was able to find it in herself to do this and am struggling to move past it. I know its important to set boundaries and appropriate punishments but forgive and move on but this morning she started trying to bargain to get the game back (if I do this can I get it back in this timeframe etc). I flared up and said I'm sick of hearing about computer games and I never want her to talk to me about them again (I am sick of hearing about them tbh: I find them utterly tedious and I resent the amount of time and energy that she spends talking and thinking about them). She's a good kid, doing well at school and has other interests etc. TBH I loathe computer games, I find them to be a total waste of time and I resent the amount of time that her generation spends on them. If I could, I'd completely ban them but that's another story.

I just want some advice about how to deal with this. I've never in the past found it hard to forgive her, even if she's been really naughty. I've always thought she's a monkey but would not do anything devious like this and the whole thing has frightened and distressed me and I'm still holding quite a bit of anger towards her.

I know I need to hold the line on the punishment but move past the anger but I'm finding it hard and its scared me a bit. Any advice here?

OP posts:
ExcuseeeeMe · 04/03/2022 09:34

What an over reaction . Yes she needs to pay the money back. But far worse is to come when she hits her teen years . If this is all you have to worry about you are lucky .

Original poster
thepeopleversuswork · 04/03/2022 09:36

Thanks everyone, I can see I've got this out of perspective. Point taken.

To answer some of the questions the reasons I hate computer games:

a) I think they are just a huge, pointless time vacuum: eat into time which could be spent far more productively and I hate the fact she defaults to playing them so easily.
b) I find them totally dull and I'm really tired of having to talk about them to her all the time and feign interest in them. I'll suck it up when times are good but I really don't feel inclined to have to bargain with her about them when she's been naughty.
c) They require a lot of supervision and intervention from me which I don't have time or energy to manage -- its just another tedious thing for me to manage.
d) They are a big triggering: they remind me of lockdown when she spent far too long on them. I'm a working lone parent and lockdown was utterly hideous for me because I had to work and often the only way to do this was to leave her to play on them for hour.

I get that its my problem and I need to deal with it. Thanks.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 04/03/2022 09:36

You are thinking like an adult, she’s not one
You are right to be cross, punish her and make her repay you but everything else is ridiculous.
What are you going to do if she’s 15/16 and does something really awful?

Fireflygal · 04/03/2022 09:38

Lost of trust is a strong phrase. She bought games and probadly didn't even think of the implications of costs. These sites make it easy to buy without fully aware of the costs.

YABU to be so angry. She's 11, years left until she is adult with an adult brain.

Feeellostindirection · 04/03/2022 09:39

Oh wow, I have a 11 year old and if they did this I wouldn't feel anywhere near the feeling you seem to be feeling. I'd be annoyed, id have stern words and explain why it's wrong, possibly tech ban for a day or two and that would be it. At 11 they really aren't mature enough to think like an adult which is what you seem to be expecting from your dc, and if this had shaken you so much you're in for a shock as she grows up.

SleepyJackson · 04/03/2022 09:39

Haven't read the full thread, so apologies if this has already been said but please remember that there are lots of highly paid games designers, uxd experts, psychologists employed by these companies to make it as easy and compelling as possible to spend money.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2022 09:40

God help you in the next few years if this is your reaction to what amounts to a perfectly normal part of growing up

Hidingin · 04/03/2022 09:45

You’re imagining an adult thought process with adult reasoning
When really she just saw a game and clicked on it
I suspect she doesn’t know the value of £40 having never had to pay bills or probably even just had £40 of her own all that often
Unless money is tight and that £40 means you can’t buy food this month, I think you’re overreacting
If that £40 does mean you can’t buy food then I completely understand your reaction but you have to calm down and logically know that it’s very unlikely DD saw a game she wanted and thought she may like to buy it, but you would have to pay, you would be upset, and you won’t be able to buy food

That doesn’t mean you can’t be angry but the words you’re using kind of imply that you’re tarnishing her entire character and damaging your relationship with her for this one selfish offence

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 09:48

I suspect she doesn’t know the value of £40

Sorry but if your 10 year old doesn't know the value of £40 you're doing it wrong

Player001 · 04/03/2022 09:48

I know it's tough right now, I've been there, but I promise you that dismissing what means everything to your dd now is something you'll regret when she's grown up.

CousinKrispy · 04/03/2022 09:53

That's right, a 10 year old should be managing the family budget and earning a wage.Hmm

I'm glad you're going to have a think about this, OP. I know it can be very tedious to listen to.....I'm remembering that hour long walk in the woods with my own DD when I had to pretend to be in a live game of Among Us with her, yawn....but chances are she'll move onto other interests, or have other interests alongside gaming, if you're setting boundaries and not letting her game nonstop. Many people find it an enjoyable hobby and I deeply appreciate when I find a loved one who lets me drone on about my own slightly boring niche hobby.

cheeseismydownfall · 04/03/2022 09:53

“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

― Catherine M. Wallace

ChatterMonkey · 04/03/2022 09:55

Its really quite concerning how you have described your feelings about this. The struggling to forgive, and impatience with something that (whether you agree or not) is an acceptable hobby for both children and adults, makes it sound like you really dislike your child, which is sad.

Also a bit Hmm at your update where you mention being 'triggered' by it due being a single parent during lockdown. I think if everyone stopped being triggered or offended by day to day events, things would be a lot more straighforward...

icelollycraving · 04/03/2022 09:57

A friend’s son ran up 1k on gaming in a v short time. She thought her bank had been hacked.
I was obsessed with gymnastics and horses when I was little. My mum had zero interest in them but went along with it. It’s what we do as parents isn’t it, listen to the stuff our kids are interested in.
It may be a waste of time to you, but to her it isn’t.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 09:57

No @CousinKrispy - they don't need to know £40 pays your water bill or whatever but they should know it's not pocket change.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 04/03/2022 09:58

I'm a working lone parent with 2 boys younger than your daughter. Just us alone for all of lockdown. Screen time was still the same as it was before lockdown. I certainly wasnt going to allow them to sit in screens for hours as a time. Plenty other things they could do themselves or together while I worked.
You made a choice to use screens as a babysitter. Dont take it out on her now. If you regret it then you need to realise that it was your mistake, not hers. It really would he easier for you to just stop regretting it. It happened. You did it. That's it.

Your daughter is hooked on them now. You need to introduce limits and find other things she can do, with you or alone. And you need to understand what addiction can do, because it explains her spending that money. And then move on.

Parental restrictions exist and are very easy to use. This was, again, a choice you made. You chose bot to use them. Fix that.

She has had those games removed. She has had a ban from screens. She can do chores. That's the punishment. Get over it now. When you give back her screens, set limits and use parental controls.

godmum56 · 04/03/2022 10:00

@Player001

I know it's tough right now, I've been there, but I promise you that dismissing what means everything to your dd now is something you'll regret when she's grown up.
this definitely....I'd also say its a very dangerous thing to do to say to a child that there are subjects that you won't discuss with them or listen to them when they want to talk about it. You don't have to enjoy the same interests as your children but you do have to enter in to them to a certain extent. If she liked a genre of books that you disliked, not because they were not appropriate for her in anyway, but because you considered them a waste of time, would you feel the same? I don't see her behaviour as devious but thoughtless and this is not a kicking but if you left your bank account connected, did you ever discuss this with her and at least tell her that she couldn't just spend money without talking to you first? Its great that you have recognised that YOU have a problem. Please address it and don't take a path you will regret later.
BadgerStripes · 04/03/2022 10:00

Get a bloody grip OP

AvonCallingBarksdale · 04/03/2022 10:01

Totally OTT reaction from you - had actually made me feel sad for your DD. Don’t alienate her now with such a ridiculously harsh reaction. You don’t want her to think twice about coming to you for help as she’s gets older.

Original poster
thepeopleversuswork · 04/03/2022 10:01

@ChatterMonkey

Its really quite concerning how you have described your feelings about this. The struggling to forgive, and impatience with something that (whether you agree or not) is an acceptable hobby for both children and adults, makes it sound like you really dislike your child, which is sad.

Also a bit Hmm at your update where you mention being 'triggered' by it due being a single parent during lockdown. I think if everyone stopped being triggered or offended by day to day events, things would be a lot more straighforward...

I don’t dislike my child.

I will take most of these comments on the chin as clearly I have not managed it well but that is an overreaction. And unkind.

If I disliked her why would I post about it?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 04/03/2022 10:02

@cheeseismydownfall

“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

― Catherine M. Wallace

this^^
BeHappy91818 · 04/03/2022 10:03

You sound completely ridiculous. Get a grip for god sake.

FantasticFebruary · 04/03/2022 10:05

At least you acknowledge a large part of this is you being triggered to a bad time in your life & it's something you need to work on.

I honestly think you might need to get some help re the triggering to lock down.

As for DD, do you think she realised what she was doing when she did it? Do you think it was a calculated decision or do you think it was a loss of impulse control?

I understand your dislike of how gaming becomes compulsive & seems to distract many children from doing other things.

It's an easy way to pass the time, it's more instantly rewarding too. As an adult a game or MN, are good sources of distraction that don't take much mental or physical energy & are instantly rewarding. I don't think it's particularly good for adults or children.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 04/03/2022 10:06

In your shoes what I would be feeling is utter frustration at the calculating and manipulative control the games industry has over us and young people.

She is a victim of it.

Games are skilfully constructed to be addictive and to prompt users to buy more.

Then there is the peer pressure.

IME it makes us feel helpless and exasperated as parents.

I would do some research and spend some time with her exploring how games ‘hook’ people in. Not as a heavy handed ‘told you so’ punitive measure but as genuine education.

Empower her!

The companies also rely on kids getting access to parents’ linked accounts…to an extent you are also a victim. Tell her this, too!

But yes, hold firm on the laptop ban, tell her that under pressure she made the wrong choice and that has consequences.

Pluvia · 04/03/2022 10:07

You sound worryingly black-and-white in your thinking, OP, and I feel concerned about your daughter. What she's done is normal and actually quite healthy behaviour for an 11-year-old, who is starting to push boundaries and think for herself. She sounds like a bright girl.

Of course you forgive her. She's your 11-year-old child. Are you seriously suggesting that you might hold this against her for the rest of your life?