Page 10 | Have I over-reacted? Struggling to forgive my DD

PleaseDontDriveMeBlind · 04/03/2022 12:58

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to hate video games so much, but they aren't for everyone, everyone has preferences, so also you're not unreasonable.

My grandmother used to sit and help me play the Spyro games when I was a kid growing up, and it was a great bonding experience. We both look back fondly on those times. It was great that someone who had never liked video games would put that one to side and sit and play it with me. She loved Spyro in the end!

But, she has destroyed the trust. I don't think it's unreasonable of her to try to bargain, you just have to be firm and she will stop doing it.

So YANBU to feel the way you do about the money but I think you could make more of an effort to relate to what your daughter enjoys about the games.

I hate Roblox but I installed it on my phone and made an account and sometimes join my daughter in the game world, me in my phone and her on the tablet. It means a lot to her.

Original poster

thepeopleversuswork · 04/03/2022 12:58

[quote BuddhaForMary]@thepeopleversuswork but you say that when you get down time you prefer to do something that interests you, so even when there IS chance to do something with your DD you choose not to.

Don't you think all single parents who work struggle to balance time at work, down time for themselves AND time with their kids? We really do, and I get what you're saying. If I don't work we don't eat it's as simple as that. But (hopefully) most of us also realise how important it is to be present for them as a parent. If it's only listening to them talk about the latest win in a game or the latest tiktok craze. Now you've told her she can't even talk to you about games, so is she only allowed to talk to you about things that interest you? [/quote]
I didn't mean I would choose not to do something with her. I mean I would choose to do something with her which doesn't involve computer games. If I only have an hour an evening it wouldn't be my choice.

I haven't told her she can't talk to me about games. I said to her this morning (as a follow up to what happened yesterday) I'm not particularly interested in talking about them etc and I'm not particularly in the right frame of mind for her to bargain back access to them.

OP posts:

Gizacluethen · 04/03/2022 13:04

So I think there's two things:

You had pretty cruel parents that didn't let you enjoy tech or let your hair down and you work hard (I think some of this is self inflicted because your parents taught you to) and so you resent your daughter having any down time and think, like your parents, that she's wasting time on shit that's worthless.

she's 11, you'd set your bank up on her game, and she used a little bit of money. It's like sending her to the shop with a tenner and she bought herself a chocolate bar with your change. It's not really theft. She's a kid, she doesn't understand how little things tot up and it was hugely tempting for her. I don't think your anger towards her is justified.

Also, kids talk about things they enjoy. Just let her tell you about the things she enjoys without changing the subject. You've probably REALLY hurt her with your "I'm sick of you talking to me about videogames" comment.

Rivermonsters · 04/03/2022 13:05

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StrawberryPot · 04/03/2022 13:05

Agree with others that you're really over-reacting. To say she's 'destroyed' your trust is very extreme. One of mine racked up an £800 phone bill over 3 months when he was 13. Yes we were cross with him - he must have ignored messages saying he was exceeding his limit, but primarily blamed ourselves. We gave him the phone and it was up to us to monitor him. DH had set a ridiculously low text limit and we weren't keeping on top of our outgoings so didn't spot the large bills for a couple of months. 15 years later, it's an amusing family anecdote to embarrass him with in front of girlfriends.

GatoradeMeBitch · 04/03/2022 13:06

I have to say, If downloading a few games on an account you enabled to do that is all it takes to "destroy" your trust in her, you've set this child up to fail. I don't think what she did needs forgiveness. At all. She's 11, and she will be learning about what is and isn't appropriate for a good decade yet. Using language like "struggling to forgive" sounds very dramatic. You need to re-evaluate how you react to her before all the really testing stuff happens, or she will try and hide it from you just to avoid a confrontation.

TooManyPJs · 04/03/2022 13:06

Just because you don't like computer games doesn't mean they are a complete waste of time. They are no more a waste of time than any other fun activity or hobby. You don't always have to be productive!!!

Luciemaie · 04/03/2022 13:07

@thepeopleversuswork

Found out yesterday my DD (11) has downloaded some computer games which I have been paying for without authorisation (the account was foolishly linked to my bank account. I know I have been really stupid on this front so please don't give me a hard time). I've cancelled the account, removed the games she's ordered and confiscated the laptop and her other devices for two weeks. We've had a long talk and I have let her know she has destroyed my trust and she will have to work hard to earn it back and repay the money (about £40).

She was hugely apologetic and has said she will do what it takes to make it up to me etc. We left things on friendly and loving terms last night after a good discussion: I said I loved her and would always forgive her but there needed to be an appropriate punishment and I needed her to demonstrate to me that I can trust her before I will let her download any new games. (Clearly she's not getting access to anything linked to my bank account again).

I'm still feeling really upset and angry this morning that she was able to find it in herself to do this and am struggling to move past it. I know its important to set boundaries and appropriate punishments but forgive and move on but this morning she started trying to bargain to get the game back (if I do this can I get it back in this timeframe etc). I flared up and said I'm sick of hearing about computer games and I never want her to talk to me about them again (I am sick of hearing about them tbh: I find them utterly tedious and I resent the amount of time and energy that she spends talking and thinking about them). She's a good kid, doing well at school and has other interests etc. TBH I loathe computer games, I find them to be a total waste of time and I resent the amount of time that her generation spends on them. If I could, I'd completely ban them but that's another story.

I just want some advice about how to deal with this. I've never in the past found it hard to forgive her, even if she's been really naughty. I've always thought she's a monkey but would not do anything devious like this and the whole thing has frightened and distressed me and I'm still holding quite a bit of anger towards her.

I know I need to hold the line on the punishment but move past the anger but I'm finding it hard and its scared me a bit. Any advice here?

OP this is a you problem. It’s you who left your details linked to her account. She’s a child doing what children do. Kids make mistakes and at this age they also don’t fully understand the consequences of their actions or how it would impact you. We as adults know that £40 is half a weekly food shop for example, - she doesn’t and I think your punishing her for your mistake. I would have spoken to her about why it wasn’t a good idea and explained the impact it has on you but making her earn the money back is abit much. It’s not like she’s 17 and took your card. Also, you not liking computer games … don’t put that on her. She likes them and she’s aloud to. Don’t ruin something she enjoys.

PleaseDontDriveMeBlind · 04/03/2022 13:11

I don't understand why her hobbies all have to be learning, building, reading, something physical... Can't she just chill? I do think you need to get a handle on that because that is totally your own issue. It's not fair to put your neurotic need for constantly intellectual stimulation onto a child, just like t wasn't fair for you mother to do that to you.

LittleGwyneth · 04/03/2022 13:12

I did this when I was a child, money is still fairly hypothetical at this point. Your reaction seems wildly disproportionate. She is going to screw up a lot over the next decade because she's human and she's working out where the boundaries of adult life are. You're going to need to learn to wear these things a little more lightly if at all possible.

MotherOfChaos28 · 04/03/2022 13:12

Kids of 11 don’t have the impulse control of adults. What she did was wrong but it wasn’t a premeditated act. Your level of anger seems unreasonable. As does your extreme dislike of video games. I’m not a gamer myself and have very little interest in them but I don’t see how they’re worse than her say, watching a film?

Halllyup17 · 04/03/2022 13:13

I couldn't be angry at my daughter for doing this (I do have an 11 year old girl). I'd have a good chat to her about how the account is linked to my card, and if she wants a game she needs to ask and possibly find a way to pay for it/some of it herself. She's only a child. Her brain doesn't work like yours. It's irrational for you to be fuming at all, let alone the day after the incident, and entirely normal for her to be trying to bargain with you. Cut her some slack.

youdoyoutoday · 04/03/2022 13:13

I can relate on not wanting to hear about computer games, I'm utterly bored of them but I listen to my ds go on about them because I worry if he thinks I'm not interested in what he is saying then he won't talk to me about stuff that is actually important!

Rotherweird · 04/03/2022 13:13

Hey OP, I think people have been really harsh and sanctimonious on this thread. I hear you. I am a single parent to a similar aged child, and had very similar messages from my parents, so this all feels very familiar to me. I recognise the feeling of being angry at my child, and not being able to let it go. I think this is all relatively normal, and I think that we all get things wrong as parents so don't beat yourself up. The fact that you are posting on here, and taking some pretty judgemental posts on the chin says a lot about how reflective you are, and how much you care about your DD and your relationships with her.

A few thoughts:

if I've gone OTT with my child, I wait until I'm feeling calmer and apologise. "I'm sorry I got so angry.... this is where I was coming from". It's good for kids to see parents apologise and acknowledge that they didn't handle a situation well. It's also good for them to see us being vulnerable and understand that we don't have perfect control over our emotions.

anger usually hides another emotion e.g. when I am angry, if I ask myself what I'm really feeling, it usually turns out that I am sad and lonely. It's easier for me to feel and express anger because that was normal in my childhood, whereas it wasn't ok to say I was sad and lonely. Could something similar be going on for you?

being a working single parent is super hard. In the past I've had the tendency to be way too hard on myself and that's sometimes led to me being too hard on my child. Are there ways you could start letting yourself off the hook? Do you have support? I have found therapy hugely helpful, I don't know whether that would be financially possible for you.

I love the book How to Talk So That Teens Will Listen - it's literally magic.

Take care and don't be too hard on yourself - we all make mistakes and I am sure you are doing loads right. Your DD sounds great. xxx

Rivermonsters · 04/03/2022 13:13

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Rivermonsters · 04/03/2022 13:14

Video games**

bluedodecagon · 04/03/2022 13:14

@thepeopleversuswork

Instead of trying to teach her that you can’t rely on anyone, why don’t you tell that making the right decisions on education can get you a great job that means you don’t have to struggle?

It seems like struggle and strain and misery is all you know and you want her to feel that because that’s how your parents educated you. Through tantrums, fear and misery. Well guess what: it didn’t work. You didn’t avoid the drudgery or the exhaustion or the long hours.

The irony is that if you encouraged her gaming, she could be out earning you as a teenager. Why don’t you get her into coding? Ask her to build things and reward her for learning? That would be better for her financial future than your weird tech phobia.

Notwithittoday · 04/03/2022 13:16

Yes this is on you. My dh linked his account details to his sons game and then was surprised when he spent hundreds of pounds. Companies make thousands a year with these kinds of blunders. My dd accidentally bought a dvd messing with buttons on the tv because it’s linked to my prime account.

Halllyup17 · 04/03/2022 13:21

Another thought. You should get in on the act. I've spent hours bonding with my 11 year old daughter over video games. I don't usually play them myself, but we set aside half an hour, to an hour, after her younger sisters have gone to bed, just to play games. We chat, laugh and generally just have fun together. It's really special.

BuddhaForMary · 04/03/2022 13:22

@thepeopleversuswork and I get that, I get that if gaming isn't your thing it's hard to WANT to do it. But she's already 11. Before you know it she won't want you to do anything with her, and maybe you're ok with that. But if you don't at least try to find a way to connect with her, you'll regret it one day, I guarantee it.

My brain is full of all kinds of information about tv programmes and films and games and music and sports and god knows what else, because my kids wanted to share it with me and I'm so glad I took the time to be interested.

mam0918 · 04/03/2022 13:22

I'm confused, she didn't steal money from your purse behind your back.

You gave her access to the account (more akin to telling her she can go grab money from your purse to go to the shops but not putting a limit or boundary on how much and when).

Also did she even know/understand it was costing £40?

Even if she did know it cost money does she even have a real concept of how much £40 even is to an adult with bills etc...?

I hear kids often buy games online not knowing they cost money because obviously, young kids don't have awareness of this.

It's your job to monitor it and teach them (which is why you don't give them bank access) so it not her being a vindictive thief it's your blind spot in parenting that you need to fix.

ShepherdMoons · 04/03/2022 13:23

£40 is not a lot of money considering the amount some kids spend on games. I think you're right to point out that it was wrong on her part though. It sounds like you've made your point and now it's time to draw a line and move past it.

I'm not keen on computer games either and my dcs luckily don't have any interest in them at the moment. Maybe see if there are other hobbies or sports she might like to try and go along with her to support her with these.

ZenNudist · 04/03/2022 13:23

I think your punishment was appropriate and I'm not surprised you aren't considering reinstating games for a long time. Minimum ban would be a month in my house. Although you do need to have better control of her online access. You should be approving all purchases and setting screen time limits and what she can view via a family app. Get that in place.

I'm sure you'll calm down soon. In the meantime can you find some more productive things for her to do that could still be computer based? Animation, programming, even blogging. My friends dd does beauty videos on YouTube. Same age. It requires effort planning creativity.

I agree with you about games but let my similar age and younger dc have some screen time as reward for doing homework and music practice. After all I like to watch TV or mumsnet. They can have a reward for hard work.

I'm sure you will calm down soon.

ShepherdMoons · 04/03/2022 13:26

@Rivermonsters I'm not sure what you are referring to with regard to the heavy drinking analogy.

Computer games are very addictive and I really wouldn't encourage it.

CallyfromBlakes7 · 04/03/2022 13:29

What you're describing is perfectly normal pre teen behaviour. Honestly I am quite concerned reading that you're scared of how angry you are over normal, boundary pushing behaviour in an 11 year old

This. She is 11, not 21. Your details were linked to the account, it's not like she went and forged a cheque, and even if she had, I wouldn't be worried at 11, just make sure she understood that it could not be repeated.

I agree computer games seem like a waste of time but so is reading chick lit, when it comes down to it, and that's my vice.