Have I over-reacted? Struggling to forgive my DD

[thepeopleversuswork]

Found out yesterday my DD (11) has downloaded some computer games which I have been paying for without authorisation (the account was foolishly linked to my bank account. I know I have been really stupid on this front so please don't give me a hard time). I've cancelled the account, removed the games she's ordered and confiscated the laptop and her other devices for two weeks. We've had a long talk and I have let her know she has destroyed my trust and she will have to work hard to earn it back and repay the money (about £40).

She was hugely apologetic and has said she will do what it takes to make it up to me etc. We left things on friendly and loving terms last night after a good discussion: I said I loved her and would always forgive her but there needed to be an appropriate punishment and I needed her to demonstrate to me that I can trust her before I will let her download any new games. (Clearly she's not getting access to anything linked to my bank account again).

I'm still feeling really upset and angry this morning that she was able to find it in herself to do this and am struggling to move past it. I know its important to set boundaries and appropriate punishments but forgive and move on but this morning she started trying to bargain to get the game back (if I do this can I get it back in this timeframe etc). I flared up and said I'm sick of hearing about computer games and I never want her to talk to me about them again (I am sick of hearing about them tbh: I find them utterly tedious and I resent the amount of time and energy that she spends talking and thinking about them). She's a good kid, doing well at school and has other interests etc. TBH I loathe computer games, I find them to be a total waste of time and I resent the amount of time that her generation spends on them. If I could, I'd completely ban them but that's another story.

I just want some advice about how to deal with this. I've never in the past found it hard to forgive her, even if she's been really naughty. I've always thought she's a monkey but would not do anything devious like this and the whole thing has frightened and distressed me and I'm still holding quite a bit of anger towards her.

I know I need to hold the line on the punishment but move past the anger but I'm finding it hard and its scared me a bit. Any advice here?

My DS took his love of gaming and turned it into a career. He studied game design at uni and has just started working for a game development company. He'll take his masters in the next year or so to further his career. Bloody glad I didn't ban him from gaming as a teen just because it's not my thing!

"Destroyed" your trust? Seriously it was a child's mistake and you've actually already admitted you've already made up. To continue this further will actually "destroy" her trust in you. Get a grip.

You are totally overreacting, she probably made a mistake and didn’t realise it wasn’t free. More fool you for linking your bank details and enabling this in the first place!

I find it hypocritical that you tell others not to project their situation on what happened with you and your daughter, but it's OK for you to project your shitty childhood onto her.

Your kid will grow up some day and stop speaking to you.

I work 10 hours a day. Tell me where you can't find the 30 minutes in your day minimum to spend with your kid.

Also of there are more noble pursuits than video games, can you tell me what you expect your lonely daughter to do? Read in silence? Paint in silence? Sit alone in silence?

You mentioned the Sims. That’s about as utterly harmless as you can get. You design and build homes, you create and dress your Sims, you cook with them, send them to work, help them learn skills, manage their social interactions. They even clean their homes and take the rubbish out! It’s like playing with dolls.

I really do recommend the Philippa Perry book. When you find yourself reacting to something disproportionately it’s amazing how often it links in to how we were parented as children.

It'll all be ok.

She has apologised, you have put consequences in place and you are giving yourself time to re-set.

She is 11, you will be the centre of her world.

Now try to make friends with computer games. You don't have to play them but do take an interest in your daughter's games, it'll mean so much to her.

And you don't need to worry so much about her playing games, they are not all bad. In fact games like Minecraft are on the curriculum in many countries. That you don't appreciate this is your issue.

Sure you need to have boundaries in place but your negativity about all computer games in general is extreme, unnecessary and founded in fear. There are many skills involved in gaming that are transferable. You will probably feel better if you read up on this.

I said to her this morning (as a follow up to what happened yesterday) I'm not particularly interested in talking about them etc and I'm not particularly in the right frame of mind for her to bargain back access to them

Gosh, that’s quite unpleasant, you keep saying you understand the issue is you yet you’re still treating her like this,

@Laptopsandmouses

I said to her this morning (as a follow up to what happened yesterday) I'm not particularly interested in talking about them etc and I'm not particularly in the right frame of mind for her to bargain back access to them

Gosh, that’s quite unpleasant, you keep saying you understand the issue is you yet you’re still treating her like this,

Well no, OP said she's upset that she still feels angry so she has come in here for support.

My DD once ran up a charge of over £400 buying fictional clothes on some Rhianna dress up app. I thought my account had been hacked.

Wait till she gets to 14-16 OP. You will look back on this with misty, rose tinted eyeballs. Believe me.

You do remind me of my mother..

It's the no time for fun/everything must be improving you/productive/useful thing.

That left me with a HUGE hang up about doing stuff, I couldn't do relaxing stuff just for me, nor could I do creative stuff for the fun of it.

I had to have a purpose for stuff, so if I wanted to sit and draw or paint, that had to be FOR something or someone.

Can't waste time watching tv (but time spent reading fiction was just fine...)...

Computer games are ridiculous and outrageous and stupid.. waste of time and money.

Internet isn't real, people on it aren't real, waste of time and money...

She'd be astonished if she had lived to see me making my income from doodling around, from internet apps where I talk to these 'not real' people, from stuff she saw no point in whatsoever...

I'd also be a lot happier, more productive and also better able to relax if I could feel 'free' to do things for fun, for messing about, for experimentation. I've definitely lost out on jobs because my drawing/digital art skills are not flexible enough to produce loads of styles (i can do several but for big illustration pitches, range is everything!).

Catch yourself NOW - stop this. If she wants to spend her hours time with you telling you about her god awful computer game - let her. If that is how she wants to spend some of her free time, fine.

A computer game is no more a waste of time than a book.
Talking about the things she enjoys - thats life, children enjoy some pretty awful, banal, inane rubbish, she'll grow out of that in the end.

At 11 though, if you stop her, if she has even the tiniest inkling that you are not keen, you will leave her feeling that it is HER you don't want to talk to/spend time with.
Right now she will link her own identity to the things she loves very closely.
So saying you really dislike something she loves.. you can't see the point in something she invests time in.. it can be like saying you dislike her, can't see the point in HER.. Tread very very carefully there.

I get why you don't have time to waste and why you want her to be independent and capable - but let her be a child first, and let her learn how to explore freely and have fun and yes, waste time sometimes. It is a valuable skill and essential to mental health.

I do agree with punishing her for effectively stealing money, that's another matter of course!

@thepeopleversuswork

I hope you are ok, have finished up work & are maybe relaxing / being with your DD.

You got a lot of constructive feedback. But you also got some horrible, self-righteous posts, really commenting nastily & unfairly.

I think you've been honest & self-reflective. I am not speaking for all single parents, of course, but your experience resonates with me. I'm a single parent to 3. I work long hours and sometimes prioritise work over time with them. It's not great, I am working on it & I apologise to them. Sometimes I don't have a choice. Sometimes I do.

You are doing your best. You care greatly about your DD or you wouldn't have posted. And you are doing great 💐

The error was yours. Your hatred for time wasting “computer games” (but how much time do you spend on Mumsnet? Time well spent?) is clouding your judgement.

You made a mistake, you’ve put the punishment in place, see it through and move on.

@thepeopleversuswork

Thanks everyone. I clearly need to get a grip and its good to have got a clear consensus on this. I obviously have some apologising to do (although I will keep the punishment in place because I think some punishment is needed). But I will talk to her tonight.

To those of you asking why I have such a visceral reaction to video games: if I'm honest I do think my reaction is partly irrational and I think it stems from childhood.

My parents were absolutely phobic about TV and would strictly limit what we watched. My mum would get visibly distressed when we watched it and would arbitrarily turn it off and boot us out of the room. My parents were real intellectual snobs and I think they thought TV would rot the brain etc. All very irrational and I guess I haven't done as good a job as I thought I had in safeguarding myself against this.

I do think despite what you're all saying and despite recognising that this isn't a rational reaction, that there is almost always something to do which is more interesting/productive than a video game. Yes there are some which are moderately stretching and interesting but very few are better than reading/building stuff/learning stuff. Maybe that makes me neurotic or a snob and so be it: I can't change my view on this, its pretty hard-wired, but I clearly have to do a better job of hiding it and trying to show interest in what my DD wants to do. She does have plenty of other passions and interests but at some level, despite what others may say, my heart still sinks when she logs onto the SIMS 4 or whatever. Maybe that's something I need therapy to deal with. I don't know. But I'll never be a passionate advocate of computer games.

Despite all this, I love her with a passion and I am extremely proud of her and it upsets me when people say they think she hasn't lived up to my expectations. She absolutely has.

But thank you all.

Some people have been very harsh towards you. Yes you have maybe overreacted a bit but you have high standards. You sound like a loving, caring parent who doesn’t want their little girl spending her life gaming. I get it - I also hate gaming and didn’t encourage my son. Luckily he finds it boring!

@thepeopleversuswork I have (mostly) only read your posts. Clearly there has been a breach of trust on the spending front, but as a parent you are there to guide her when she makes mistakes like this. It's not great that she did it, but clearly was consumed with something she was invested in and overstepped. I hope that you are able to help her see that she overstepped and are able to help her to behave appropriately in the future.

Your stance on video games is a bit upsetting though as it's clearly something she's invested in, so maybe trying to understand her interest would be beneficial for both of you. You've said that Yes there are some which are moderately stretching and interesting but very few are better than reading/building stuff/learning stuff. Maybe that makes me neurotic or a snob and so be it: I can't change my view on this, its pretty hard-wired, but I clearly have to do a better job of hiding it and trying to show interest in what my DD wants to do but gaming is coding. It is reading, strategising, building and learning. Just in a way that you don't understand. Please don't let your ignorance blind you to the creativity that your kid is experiencing and expressing. Her creativity probably/likely surpasses your own, she is just expressing it in a way you can't comprehend.

So, yeah, to answer your OP, you have overreacted.

"Struggling to forgive..." FFS

@TrendingNowt

I think you've done everything right. Although I am wondering how many devices she has got? I think she's quite young for her own laptop, I would get a family desktop (so nobody can walk away with it) and reconsider her own laptop when she's doing GCSE'S

This is a odd take. She is 11. Our children have school issued laptops they take back and forth every day by this age.

I think therapy around your childhood and the expectations you've now projected onto your 11 year old might be a good idea.
Your reaction is incredibly ott, as is your opinion of down time and games.
It isn't her fault you're a single parent and work 10 hours a day - you are acting like you resent her and your life. She will pick up on that.

When you describe your mothers reaction to you watching tv as a child, do you see any similarities in your view towards your child playing computer games now?

It reads the same to me.

People do not need to be productive 100% of the time. Especially young children. She should not be made to feel ashamed, or guilty for wanting to play games. They're a normal part of childhood now, whether you like it or not. It will be clear to her how much you detest them, and judge her for wanting to play. And it is judging. Which is so very unfair.

She deserves to be punished for what she did, she was essentially stealing and it's correct to hold her accountable for that. But this level of anger is inappropriate and unjustified. And is likely to be something she will remember for a long time.

Does she have her own money to spend? My children of a similar age have their pocket money and chore money loaded on to their kids debit cards. Then if they want to spend money on an in app purchase they can (I can see what they spend it on, in the app on my phone)

Much less faff than them giving me the money and asking me to pay for it through my card.

Don’t really get how people are saying this is normal behaviour, she basically stole from you. However, we all make mistakes especially when we’re young, you’re her mum the most important person in her life so u need to sort the punishment and move one on.

I think it's interesting that you don't want anyone to 'blame' you or give you grief over you linking the bank details to the account but you are not able to move on so easily about your 11y child impulsively downloading a game using those details.

Why can you forgive your own mistake but not your child's?

Jesus ,y daughter committed fraud on my card as 6 signing up to mushi monsters . You are over reacting

Because "normal" doesn't mean OK. Children don't yet have a full grasp of right or wrong, that's our job as parents to guide them. Normal as in it's not a sign she's headed down the path of a hardened criminal - not normal as in should be ignored.

Just a thought experiment and challenge to yourself @thepeopleversuswork

How about you get your DD to show you her favourite games and join in and play with her, one weekend morning for an hour?

I think she'll be delighted to share her enthusiasm with you and that will be nice for you too even if you don't like the game itself.

I remember my two would like nothing more than for me to join them in their pizza restaurant empire building game and give me all their tips.