Have I over-reacted? Struggling to forgive my DD

[thepeopleversuswork]

Found out yesterday my DD (11) has downloaded some computer games which I have been paying for without authorisation (the account was foolishly linked to my bank account. I know I have been really stupid on this front so please don't give me a hard time). I've cancelled the account, removed the games she's ordered and confiscated the laptop and her other devices for two weeks. We've had a long talk and I have let her know she has destroyed my trust and she will have to work hard to earn it back and repay the money (about £40).

She was hugely apologetic and has said she will do what it takes to make it up to me etc. We left things on friendly and loving terms last night after a good discussion: I said I loved her and would always forgive her but there needed to be an appropriate punishment and I needed her to demonstrate to me that I can trust her before I will let her download any new games. (Clearly she's not getting access to anything linked to my bank account again).

I'm still feeling really upset and angry this morning that she was able to find it in herself to do this and am struggling to move past it. I know its important to set boundaries and appropriate punishments but forgive and move on but this morning she started trying to bargain to get the game back (if I do this can I get it back in this timeframe etc). I flared up and said I'm sick of hearing about computer games and I never want her to talk to me about them again (I am sick of hearing about them tbh: I find them utterly tedious and I resent the amount of time and energy that she spends talking and thinking about them). She's a good kid, doing well at school and has other interests etc. TBH I loathe computer games, I find them to be a total waste of time and I resent the amount of time that her generation spends on them. If I could, I'd completely ban them but that's another story.

I just want some advice about how to deal with this. I've never in the past found it hard to forgive her, even if she's been really naughty. I've always thought she's a monkey but would not do anything devious like this and the whole thing has frightened and distressed me and I'm still holding quite a bit of anger towards her.

I know I need to hold the line on the punishment but move past the anger but I'm finding it hard and its scared me a bit. Any advice here?

@ShepherdMoons OP mentioned drinking a few pages back. They are not comparable

Punishments don't work. They make kids resentful, teach them to lie and deny them the opportunity to learn from natural consequences.

I think your punishment is appropriate, gaming should have limits, but your outlook on so many things is deeply worrying.

All of those good attributes you want to instill in your daughter will be lost amongst your insecurities, preconceived ideas, and hang-ups from your own childhood that you will burden her with. Please get help so this doesn't happen.

Sorry but I think you are totally over reacting my son did it on fifa points for about £320 in total. Obviously I was fuming and made him do jobs to pay me back and lectured him but come on it’s hardly crime of the century that you can’t forgive your child for.

I'd say she's acting normally. How you reacted and punished her was totally spot on, as for her asking for the game back, I'd tell her I was disappointed in her. Stick by your guns and keep being the brilliant parent that you are.

I haven't read all the comments but I'll put my tuppence worth in anyway.

What's done is done and you can't change that. You have a linked account so it's easy for a child to spend. What you need to do now is take control of your accounts. My daughters phone is linked to mine and every time she wants to download an app whether is free or paid for her phone sends me a request. I can also control screen time and even what apps and games she uses.

Don't be too hard on your daughter as this was also your mistake. 💐

Hey OP. If you haven’t already, I really recommend reading ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’ by Philipa Perry. It’s really good for getting a handle on generational trauma and preventing negative thoughts or behaviours that were instilled in you in childhood be passed down to the next generation. One of your updates made me think of this book instantly.

OP, you're clearly a lovely, thoughtful woman and mother who sounds a bit overwhelmed with responsibility. It's fine to be angry and feel the way you did. And it's fine to tell your daughter you find something boring. I'm sure she'd happily say the same to you if you were endlessly banging on about something she had zero interest in.

I’ve read all your posts op and, despite your denial in response to a previous poster saying the same, I too think you are coming across as far more interested in examining and justifying your own extreme and troubling points of view than you are in empathising with your young child. Even your “I always put myself second” observation, in this context, sounds like more of the same. If this constant self-sacrifice of yours is done with a bad grace and you feel resentful about it, it’s not going to benefit anyone, least of all your child.

As a separate point: you will push your dd away if you carry on being so rigidly negative about things she loves. She’ll be less likely to share her pleasures with you.

It’s very sad that her enthusiasm and willingness to talk to you about something she enjoys is falling on such stony ground. I feel for her.

As for the point you made about drinking — utterly bizarre.

There's just the two of you.

You work hard for long hours, so don't have time for her because you're working. During lockdown, you were there but still didn't have time for her (on a computer?), so gave her something to do when she was isolated from other kids and pretty much her whole world that she had when you were at work/tired/doing house stuff.

She found the games gave her something to do, they rewarded her, they gave her feedback - which feels like attention.

When lockdown ended and she hadn't had the opportunity during that time to spend quality time with you, doing things, she still didn't have that quality time with you, because you're working/doing housework/being tired spending time on Mumsnet

She made a mistake that children do. Even adults do it, it's what any industry does - sells to you in a way that it seems reasonable to just click. It's so easy for adults to just buy things online, there's not as much of a connection between numbers on one app (the banking one) and a download site as there is taking money out of a cash machine, travelling to a shop, buying something physical, going home, unwrapping it and then using it - even relatively reputable things like Amazon have the facility to buy things on impulse with just a single tap on a screen (one click purchasing).

You've gone on to say pretty much that you've got more important things to do than play with her - whilst on Mumsnet. She tries to talk to you about something that fills the gap where she hasn't got anything else that interacts with her - and you tell her you don't want her to talk to you about the thing that she uses to compensate for things she doesn't have. So she hears 'don't talk to me, I'm busy/tired and you aren't that important'

You do need to reflect on this.

@Aquamarine1029

I think your punishment is appropriate, gaming should have limits, but your outlook on so many things is deeply worrying.

All of those good attributes you want to instill in your daughter will be lost amongst your insecurities, preconceived ideas, and hang-ups from your own childhood that you will burden her with. Please get help so this doesn't happen.

My thoughts exactly

I dislike video games. I accept that they are a fact of life for children and young people and I am prepared to accommodate that. That doesn’t mean I have to be interested in them.

I want what’s best for my child and - in my estimation - video games are problematic: they are addictive and take them away from more productive pursuits. I can accommodate them but why should I change a fundamental conviction?

That’s what people used to say about novels in the 18th century 🤷🏻‍♀️. Art forms develop. Your thinking is worryingly rigid. Can you not think of anything that you have revised your opinion of as you have got older?

I used to hate video games. Then I married a man who plays them and I learnt that they are a whole medium beyond GTA or whatever. Because someone I loved enjoyed them, I opened my mind a bit and I found that there are games which are strategic, challenging, funny and heartbreaking. Saying that you hate all games is truly like saying that you hate all films, or all books. Someone that you love enjoys games and you owe it to them to soften your stance a little (if not the punishment, which is a separate issue).

Hello to thepeopleversuswork.

I’m feeling very sorry for you with some of the comments on this thread.

Gaming culture is a worldwide problem. Like anything it can become an addiction. I always thought it was a problem mostly for boys.

My DD is now over 20, so I didn’t have to worry so much, but I don’t know what is out there at the moment.

My DD was very into SIMS when she was younger. From what I understood about it, I wasn’t too worried about her using it, as I thought it had some useful stuff in it. Eg building, planning, finance etc as well as dressing her avatars. Another thing she was really into from age 13 was digital art and drawing. She joined a forum called deviant art (I assure you there was nothing deviant about her art).it was mostly her drawing horses and interacting with other horse obsessed girls.

I get you ref computer games being a waste of time (I have a Pinterest habit!) but screens are a fact of life. Perhaps you and your DD could find something that that both interests her and you are happy for her to indulge in. If it was me I would happily pay for them to get her off the type that you dislike.

If she’s downloading free ones, don’t forget that they have been specifically designed by clever and sophisticated adult brains to be enthralling with dopamine hits which directly lead to the desire to download in the in purchase apps. There are many adults who can’t resist this urge. It is the whole point of the free bit.

I know you have set some consequences in place, so perhaps discussing buying new “games” for her will seem counterproductive. But perhaps in the long run it may be the only way to direct her away from the games you dislike.

I don’t think you need to apologise for you visceral dislike of them. You’ve taken a lot of the advice on the chin, and that makes you a better person than many of us.

I’m not a single mum, but my husband was away a lot, and sometimes it would be just the two of us for weeks. It was a very special time and I’m sorry that you have to work so many hours.

Think you're overreacting tbh. She's a child and sometimes they push boundaries. Judt wait until the teenage years kick in . . .

Goodness me, she’s 11 - 11 year olds do stupid shit. You dealt with it already, she apologised and you have agreed she will pay it back. Let it go!

As a separate point: you will push your dd away if you carry on being so rigidly negative about things she loves. She’ll be less likely to share her pleasures with you.

Yes. My son used to talk to me about his I interests - he's autistic so they'd be very detailed and extensive - it used to make my brain feel like it was going to burst. I'd put him on a limit of ten minutes. Then one month I realised he hadn't come to talk to me for ages, I asked him and he said I know you don't like it when I talk too long. I've rarely felt so shit and sad as I did when he said that. Now I go and seek him out and check in with him and we talk but I know he still thinks twice before he comes to find me to bang on about the latest collectible car he's bought on eBay etc. Also at that age they can really take your opinions to heart. I told me dd that something she was watching was weird - was just a passing observation. She was quiet for a few days then out of nowhere asked me if I thought she was weird? . I'm more careful now.

Wowza!! You are VERY angry over something pretty normal and minor. Did your daughter even fully understand that these games were charging you money? My DD racked up a similar bill downloading app updates that were linked to my card. My fault for not password protecting or telling her specifically to ask for permission. I grumped at her a bit, unlinked the card and reminded her of this the next time she asked for money for something and didn’t buy it. That was it. She and I both learned a lesson. I genuinely don’t think she realised what she was spending, even adults get suckered into spending on Apps.

I think you need to take a deep breath here. You are being unreasonable

This is 100% a parent error. Your child needs to be taught how to navigate online gaming and accounts. Children often don’t even realize they are spending real money in gaming. You should never keep account information saved anywhere a child has access.

When my dd wants to make a purchase she gives me money, I enter my credit card details, make the purchase, and then delete my info. I make sure she understands exactly what she is doing and that there is no chance of unauthorized purchases.

Re video games btw op, you mentioned the sims, I used to play the sims all the time (I recently had a craving so downloaded it and started playing but it's super boring as an adult!!) anyway, it can actually teach her things about real life, for example, she has to make sure her sims are up and ready for work or school, are fed and washed, learn new skills to get promotions or good grades and also had to manage her sims money, it sounds silly, but it's a fun way for her to learn all that stuff. As long as she isn't playing on it all day everyday, but in moderation is fine, it is addictive, but so are lots of things that adults do, the key to not becoming addicted is to moderate usage, e.g you mentioned alcohol, alcohol is addictive, but I'm not an alcoholic because I moderate my intake

@TrendingNowt

I think you've done everything right. Although I am wondering how many devices she has got? I think she's quite young for her own laptop, I would get a family desktop (so nobody can walk away with it) and reconsider her own laptop when she's doing GCSE'S

@trendingnowt

Do you have children in this age range?

For many a lap top is required for school & that's state schools, not just private.

Sometimes the OP just gets such an unreasonably hard time and I have no idea why. This is one of those times. OP you sound lovely. You love your daughter, work hard and want what's best for her. You're spread so thin and things slip through the net. You've done nothing wrong. I think some people on here just see it as a forum where they can anonymously bitch at people and take out their own frustrations.

@noirchatsdeux

You remind me of my mother...she called me a bitch on my 11th birthday. She meant it, and never apologised.

She always expected adult standards in everything from myself and my two brothers, and stupid remarks we made/things we did (and I'm guessing there were plenty, we were children, after all) she took personally and held a lot of anger over them. She never made allowances for the fact that we were children.

I've never forgotten her totally inappropriate level of anger. She has a poor relationship with us all now we are adults. You reap what you sow.

@noirchatsdeux

That's an awful thing your mother did!! You were very much a child still, she's your Mum & on your birthday!! 🥲

Can you even remember what set her off?

I didn't mean I would choose not to do something with her. I mean I would choose to do something with her which doesn't involve computer games. If I only have an hour an evening it wouldn't be my choice.

Are you working now OP or choosing to spend your time on MN instead?

Yeah, I knew this would be an OP-bashing thread, lots of posts not requiring much thought or sensitivity, just by seeing the sheer length of it. “Bundle” mentality as unfortunately you often see in AIBU.

@Whatafielddayfortheheat

Sometimes the OP just gets such an unreasonably hard time and I have no idea why. This is one of those times. OP you sound lovely. You love your daughter, work hard and want what's best for her. You're spread so thin and things slip through the net. You've done nothing wrong. I think some people on here just see it as a forum where they can anonymously bitch at people and take out their own frustrations.

Spread so thin?? She has ONE child. There are single working parents on this thread with MULTIPLE children (myself included) who manage to listen to their kids interests and actually spend a bit of time with them all too. Christ. People have been harsh because it's clear that OP has little interest in making time for her child unless they're doing something that appeals to HER, and is angry over something that was ultimately her own bloody fault for a) not being present enough, and b) linking her card details in the first place!