Have I over-reacted? Struggling to forgive my DD

[thepeopleversuswork]

Found out yesterday my DD (11) has downloaded some computer games which I have been paying for without authorisation (the account was foolishly linked to my bank account. I know I have been really stupid on this front so please don't give me a hard time). I've cancelled the account, removed the games she's ordered and confiscated the laptop and her other devices for two weeks. We've had a long talk and I have let her know she has destroyed my trust and she will have to work hard to earn it back and repay the money (about £40).

She was hugely apologetic and has said she will do what it takes to make it up to me etc. We left things on friendly and loving terms last night after a good discussion: I said I loved her and would always forgive her but there needed to be an appropriate punishment and I needed her to demonstrate to me that I can trust her before I will let her download any new games. (Clearly she's not getting access to anything linked to my bank account again).

I'm still feeling really upset and angry this morning that she was able to find it in herself to do this and am struggling to move past it. I know its important to set boundaries and appropriate punishments but forgive and move on but this morning she started trying to bargain to get the game back (if I do this can I get it back in this timeframe etc). I flared up and said I'm sick of hearing about computer games and I never want her to talk to me about them again (I am sick of hearing about them tbh: I find them utterly tedious and I resent the amount of time and energy that she spends talking and thinking about them). She's a good kid, doing well at school and has other interests etc. TBH I loathe computer games, I find them to be a total waste of time and I resent the amount of time that her generation spends on them. If I could, I'd completely ban them but that's another story.

I just want some advice about how to deal with this. I've never in the past found it hard to forgive her, even if she's been really naughty. I've always thought she's a monkey but would not do anything devious like this and the whole thing has frightened and distressed me and I'm still holding quite a bit of anger towards her.

I know I need to hold the line on the punishment but move past the anger but I'm finding it hard and its scared me a bit. Any advice here?

I'm sorry to be that person but talking about not wanting to forgive your 11 year old with the awful shit going on in the world right now

Firstly I hate computer games too and I have adult children so have no control over their playing on them 🤣 but I actually think you should have limited the time she was on them anyway she’s only very young and most probably going to pushing boundary’s on lots of things over the next few years! You have punished her, explained to her it was wrong etc! I think it’s normal that she would try and bargain with you she’s a child! You do seem to be over reacting though to the extreme that you would ban like to ban them full stop! I think you need to put this to bed now she’s been punished! Are you sure there aren’t other issues that are going on at the moment op !

You remind me of my mother...she called me a bitch on my 11th birthday. She meant it, and never apologised.

She always expected adult standards in everything from myself and my two brothers, and stupid remarks we made/things we did (and I'm guessing there were plenty, we were children, after all) she took personally and held a lot of anger over them. She never made allowances for the fact that we were children.

I've never forgotten her totally inappropriate level of anger. She has a poor relationship with us all now we are adults. You reap what you sow.

I used to talk to mine about games all the time.

Pokémon, Mine raft etc. I knew all about them. You may hate computer games but they are here and here to stay. Playing on them for a long time didn’t harm either of mine.

@noirchatsdeux

You remind me of my mother...she called me a bitch on my 11th birthday. She meant it, and never apologised.

She always expected adult standards in everything from myself and my two brothers, and stupid remarks we made/things we did (and I'm guessing there were plenty, we were children, after all) she took personally and held a lot of anger over them. She never made allowances for the fact that we were children.

I've never forgotten her totally inappropriate level of anger. She has a poor relationship with us all now we are adults. You reap what you sow.

Sorry but you're bang out of order. I have never and would never call my daughter a bitch. Stop projecting.

Woah! You need to take a huge step back, sit down and get your act together.

To say to a child that she has destroyed your trust in her is a horrible thing to say and way OTT for the circumstances.

Gaming and computers are a huge part of the lives of young people and everyone in general are far from being a bad thing.

What are you using to moan to a bunch of strangers about your daughter??

I'm all for respecting age limits etc but technology is so much a part of a young persons life and that's not going to change. There's much to learn from gaming such as communication, planning, working individually and as part of a team, cooperation, friendship and relationship building, language, judgement, mathematical skills, creativity. That's not to mention anything about her social group and fitting in with people at school.

I'm not saying for one second it should be free access and she should have carte blanche to access all things and everything, that would he ridiculous, but she's already realised that she can't have a conversation about games with you so she's hiding things from you. You've got a long way to go before she's grown and if she's already hiding what she's doing with something as innocuous as gaming, then you've given her a very harmful message and you've got a problem of your own making.

Just because YOU don't understand gaming doesn't make her wrong. Maybe you should try to see the positives and negatives, not just what the tabloids have told you. Educate yourself about the pros and cons of what she's doing and do not be so stuck, judgemental. You're so set in your ways based on no knowledge it already at the stage that to the extent that your ignorance is actually colouring the way you feel about your daughter. You are the problem here, and you're a serious one.

Sorry but you're bang out of order. I have never and would never call my daughter a bitch. Stop projecting.

Read the rest of that post - about expecting adult behaviours from children and inappropriate levels of anger. She's not projecting. It might be worth reflecting on that.

I think your reaction is really over the top and could seek to emotionally damage her in the sense if something really bad happened to your daughter, she may feel she can't confide in you for fear of your reaction. This could be really counter productive. I get your annoyed she's deceived you, but this is perfectly normal teenage behaviour. She's sorry and she's tried to push the boundaries, it's up to you as the parent to instill those boundaries.

@thepeopleversuswork

Thanks everyone, I can see I've got this out of perspective. Point taken.

To answer some of the questions the reasons I hate computer games:

a) I think they are just a huge, pointless time vacuum: eat into time which could be spent far more productively and I hate the fact she defaults to playing them so easily.
b) I find them totally dull and I'm really tired of having to talk about them to her all the time and feign interest in them. I'll suck it up when times are good but I really don't feel inclined to have to bargain with her about them when she's been naughty.
c) They require a lot of supervision and intervention from me which I don't have time or energy to manage -- its just another tedious thing for me to manage.
d) They are a big triggering: they remind me of lockdown when she spent far too long on them. I'm a working lone parent and lockdown was utterly hideous for me because I had to work and often the only way to do this was to leave her to play on them for hour.

I get that its my problem and I need to deal with it. Thanks.

@thepeopleversuswork

Hey - I know how you feel. My boyfriend's son (13) is obsessed with computer games and wants to talk about them all the time, wants us to sit and watch him playing, brings up computer games and what he was doing in them in every conversation. Yes it's tedious and dull, but to my mind, so was going to soft play when my daughter was little but it's just one of those things that appeals to the child! There's likely to be a happy compromise here - limits on screen time, doing more outside the house where possible, and maybe finding a hobby that the two of you enjoy together (for us it became geocaching as it's kind of like a computer game and a treasure hunt all at the same time - and it appealed to my 'let's be outside and taking exercise' vibe).

You've only got a few years left of her wanting to play with you, if you're lucky. After that its teenage years and then they're gone.

You've got a few years left. If you're ever going to spend a couple evenings a week being silly with her and playing then it's now or never. You dont get a do over.

@girlmom21

Sorry but you're bang out of order. I have never and would never call my daughter a bitch. Stop projecting.

Read the rest of that post - about expecting adult behaviours from children and inappropriate levels of anger. She's not projecting. It might be worth reflecting on that.

I have read the post and the inference is clear. I am like this poster's mother because I've expected adult behaviours from a child. This apparently is tantamount to calling my daughter a bitch. Sorry but that's a false equivalence and I'm not having that.

I totally accept that I was wrong to expect adult behaviour but that is not the same as calling my daughter a misogynistic, belittling insult.

I'll very happily take most of this on the chin. My behaviour was OTT and inappropriate. I need to reflect on that.

I won't accept that its the same as calling my daughter a bitch. My dad called me a bitch when I was a bit older and it scarred me for life. I would never do that. This poster is just sticking the boot in.

Do you like her? Not love her - do you like her? Because it doesn't sound like you do.

@thepeopleversuswork I think you have been very reflective over the course of this thread which is great. My parents were much like you "must be continually productive" and similar to a PP in laws, can never just relax. As a child it was exhausting and meant I never felt good enough because I'm actually much more laid back and I NEED my unproductive time or else I can't cope with anything. Interestingly though, even reading books my mother considered unproductive but that love of reading is actually what has led to my current career . As an adult, it makes spending time with them challenging and I find it very stressful and I know they think I'm really lazy and that still hurts.

I don't know if you have spotted them but the posts by @BertieBotts, @Rosebuud and others around midday today have some useful reflections on your perspectives around productivity and self-reliance.

@Spudlet

Do you like her? Not love her - do you like her? Because it doesn't sound like you do.

I've answered this before. Yes I do like her, I like her very much. I think she's incredible.

*I don't know how to relax either and actually relaxing or being unproductive makes me feel very stressed out, jittery and uncomfortable. The idea of doing nothing brings me out in hives tbh. I have the constant feeling that if I take my eye off the ball ever for a few minutes I will miss something/fail someone.

In part, as well, I don't think all of that is totally unhealthy. I want her to grow up understanding that life is tough and you can only ever rely on yourself. It's particularly important to me that she grows up understanding the need for financial independence and never to rely on a man for money. So she will need to learn to work hard, be resilient and self-reliant.

I guess I need for this to be balanced with a sense of acceptance and the space for her to be herself.*

I think it's good that you're starting to take a step back and rethink whether your very tense, anxious way of being is something that is necessarily good to pass on to your daughter. She'll only be looking to you for influence for another couple of years really so now's the time to make a change.

I have the constant feeling that if I take my eye off the ball ever for a few minutes I will miss something/fail someone I think you should look into OCD or anxiety disorders, see if they strike any chords. You need some help yourself with that constant sense of dread you feel. Of course some of it is realistic but the never being able to relax or have fun thing, having to spend all your time doing - that's partly self-imposed and you probably know it.

I want her to grow up understanding that life is tough and you can only ever rely on yourself. No doubt she's picked up good messages from your example about being self-reliant, working hard and earning a living. That's not going to change so I don't think you need to din it in to her. But I'm troubled by your repeated assertion that "you can only ever rely on yourself". For one thing - what about you? You're a loving mother and surely she can rely on you as long as you're around and able to help? It's clear your life experiences have left you badly scarred but in my experience people who are taught "you can only ever rely on yourself" instead end up learning "have very low expectations of other people". These are the women who shack up with crap partners and take on all the housework, childcare and earn a living because they should be able to DO IT ALL THEMSELVES.

Obviously we should all support ourselves financially and emotionally if we can. BUT learning how to trust, how to offer help and ask for/accept help, how to make deep friendships and relationships where you rely on each other - these are life lessons that will lead to more security, and hopefully a less stressful life for your DD.

Poor DD.
Forgive her and move on.

Sorry about the bold fail

@thepeopleversuswork but you say that when you get down time you prefer to do something that interests you, so even when there IS chance to do something with your DD you choose not to.

Don't you think all single parents who work struggle to balance time at work, down time for themselves AND time with their kids? We really do, and I get what you're saying. If I don't work we don't eat it's as simple as that. But (hopefully) most of us also realise how important it is to be present for them as a parent. If it's only listening to them talk about the latest win in a game or the latest tiktok craze. Now you've told her she can't even talk to you about games, so is she only allowed to talk to you about things that interest you?

@cheeseismydownfall

“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

― Catherine M. Wallace

Oh my goodness this a million times over!!

She is 11 not 18; what does she know? Hopefully she will know better next time.

It is your fault for not setting boundaries

You need to set the boundaries and don’t worry about it. Yo are the parent. If she is becoming addicted you need to limit the time she spends on it

Children these days are given far too much freedom; also reg important decisions. More than the immature brains can handle.

You don’t sound like you even like your daughter… fed up of listening to her talk about her game. Shame on you.

@Ohmybod

If you’re still feeling angry, I’d consider if it’s misplaced or suppressed anger. Is there something else perhaps you should be angry about but aren’t addressing? It’s been a tough week in the news. I feel a lot of us are walking about feeling slightly angry and desperate. I speak from experience where I was getting irrationally angry with my kids or overreacting to small incidences. In my case, the onset of menopause. Try and just move on from this but monitor for any similar incidences and act.

I think this is a really insightful and thoughtful way to be supportive. I'd reflect on this post OP, there may be more to it than just your dislike of video games at work.

Could I ask what the game is?
Games like Roblox I wouldn't let my kids spend on because it's pointless and definitely a waste of money, but I have bought my kids Steam cards for their PC games so they can have extra packages for their games etc and it's always included in their allowances, they can either save up their money and use it on gaming & voucher cards or to buy a toy.
I think it's a lesson learnt for both of you if anything my kids definitely do not have access to my banking details and if ever i do use my card for their purchases I make sure to remove it straight after to avoid these mistakes.

So you've absorbed your parents OTT negative reactions to TV, and now you're dutifully regurgitating them at your child over video games. Hold on to that self-awareness.

Give her game back. Video games are a valid form of entertainment. Some of them win awards for their beautiful art styles, pioneering techniques, story-telling, musical scores. Maybe you could try having a go, if nothing else it might help you slay one of your own dragons.