Have I over-reacted? Struggling to forgive my DD

[thepeopleversuswork]

Found out yesterday my DD (11) has downloaded some computer games which I have been paying for without authorisation (the account was foolishly linked to my bank account. I know I have been really stupid on this front so please don't give me a hard time). I've cancelled the account, removed the games she's ordered and confiscated the laptop and her other devices for two weeks. We've had a long talk and I have let her know she has destroyed my trust and she will have to work hard to earn it back and repay the money (about £40).

She was hugely apologetic and has said she will do what it takes to make it up to me etc. We left things on friendly and loving terms last night after a good discussion: I said I loved her and would always forgive her but there needed to be an appropriate punishment and I needed her to demonstrate to me that I can trust her before I will let her download any new games. (Clearly she's not getting access to anything linked to my bank account again).

I'm still feeling really upset and angry this morning that she was able to find it in herself to do this and am struggling to move past it. I know its important to set boundaries and appropriate punishments but forgive and move on but this morning she started trying to bargain to get the game back (if I do this can I get it back in this timeframe etc). I flared up and said I'm sick of hearing about computer games and I never want her to talk to me about them again (I am sick of hearing about them tbh: I find them utterly tedious and I resent the amount of time and energy that she spends talking and thinking about them). She's a good kid, doing well at school and has other interests etc. TBH I loathe computer games, I find them to be a total waste of time and I resent the amount of time that her generation spends on them. If I could, I'd completely ban them but that's another story.

I just want some advice about how to deal with this. I've never in the past found it hard to forgive her, even if she's been really naughty. I've always thought she's a monkey but would not do anything devious like this and the whole thing has frightened and distressed me and I'm still holding quite a bit of anger towards her.

I know I need to hold the line on the punishment but move past the anger but I'm finding it hard and its scared me a bit. Any advice here?

I feel very sad for your daughter.

Quite snidey slash.

Quite nasty AuntMasha

@sleepymum50

Hello to thepeopleversuswork.

I’m feeling very sorry for you with some of the comments on this thread.

Gaming culture is a worldwide problem. Like anything it can become an addiction. I always thought it was a problem mostly for boys.

My DD is now over 20, so I didn’t have to worry so much, but I don’t know what is out there at the moment.

My DD was very into SIMS when she was younger. From what I understood about it, I wasn’t too worried about her using it, as I thought it had some useful stuff in it. Eg building, planning, finance etc as well as dressing her avatars. Another thing she was really into from age 13 was digital art and drawing. She joined a forum called deviant art (I assure you there was nothing deviant about her art).it was mostly her drawing horses and interacting with other horse obsessed girls.

I get you ref computer games being a waste of time (I have a Pinterest habit!) but screens are a fact of life. Perhaps you and your DD could find something that that both interests her and you are happy for her to indulge in. If it was me I would happily pay for them to get her off the type that you dislike.

If she’s downloading free ones, don’t forget that they have been specifically designed by clever and sophisticated adult brains to be enthralling with dopamine hits which directly lead to the desire to download in the in purchase apps. There are many adults who can’t resist this urge. It is the whole point of the free bit.

I know you have set some consequences in place, so perhaps discussing buying new “games” for her will seem counterproductive. But perhaps in the long run it may be the only way to direct her away from the games you dislike.

I don’t think you need to apologise for you visceral dislike of them. You’ve taken a lot of the advice on the chin, and that makes you a better person than many of us.

I’m not a single mum, but my husband was away a lot, and sometimes it would be just the two of us for weeks. It was a very special time and I’m sorry that you have to work so many hours.

Please please please don't compare your husband being away for a couple of weeks to being a single parent. It is not at all comparable and frankly really insulting.

@FurPunt

Quite snidey slash.

It's not, I probably spend too much time on here. OP says that she hates video games because they're not productive and a waste of time, I will freely admit that I enjoy it on here but it's not a productive use of time.

For example, I should be studying right now but I'm on here.

Computer games to me are stupid time wasting things but running which is my love is looked on by others maybe like I look at computer games.

Don't sweat it. If £40 on computer games is the height of her deviousness so far you've got off lightly and she's a good kid.

Not nasty. I feel sympathy for the daughter.

Jesus Christ I think you need to calm down. God help you when she actually does something 'naughty'. I think you need to look at your attitude towards video games. It's a bit judgemental when your clearly sat here spending your spare time on your phone/ laptop on Mumsnet. If she enjoys them, then you need to accept that. This is normal preteen behaviour. Pushing boundaries etc.

Maybe she'll become an award winning architect or interior designer or have a job which uses the skills she's learned from playing these games. The world is a totally different place now than when we were young.

Ironic isn’t it, the nasty, critical, and angry posts taking shot at OP - whilst taking a pose as the the moral highground!!! Quite typical of a certain type of MN poster.

@FurPunt how is it nasty? I feel for her DD as well

@FurPunt

Ironic isn’t it, the nasty, critical, and angry posts taking shot at OP - whilst taking a pose as the the moral highground!!! Quite typical of a certain type of MN poster.

That's pretty hypocritical isn't it? If you take issue with someone's approach, own it and call them out, rather than doing what you're accusing them of.

YABU with all of this- my DS did this when he was 9 and then did it again so about £120 worth of costs but it was our fault! We didn't punish him either time as we don't dish out punishments. We talk about it and behave compassionately and most importantly, rationally. IMO these characteristics are far more important than self reliance in navigating the ups and downs of life and encourage positive contributions to society.

I work in data protection and compliance so I am professionally aware of how some digital services aimed at children, can nudge them in to a direction they're not aware of, exploiting their cognitive biases. The Information Commissioner's Office (ICO)- governmental regulatory body acted on this knowledge to try and put an end to these methods and introduced the Children's Code that requires digital services to comply with an extensive list of standards to ensure the best interests of the child.

My DS is nearly 15 now and he is a full rounded teenager, keen on reading, sport and going out. Tbh the only game he plays now is FIFA with his cousin and I don't see this as detrimental, I see it as a lovely way to maintain a friendship with his cousin.

I don't understand why you allow your dd to play computer games when you don't agree with them.

It is not the end of the world for a child to be forbidden something, even if everyone else is allowed it. I was the most relaxed mother in the world, but wouldn't let my dd join the majorettes when she asked. Just because. Told her she could do it as an adult if she still wanted to.

I would say, yes you have overreactved. It's annoying and I would be cross about it but I don't think I would be struggling to forgive them over it.

Sounds like you're not angry with her, you're angry with yourself. For having shit parental controls in place. Seriously, unlink your bank account, she's 11, of course she's going to buy games.

If it makes you feel any better , my son run up a £400 mobile phone bill many years ago - prior to unlimited minute contracts
I cried

He cried every week he cleaned my car, cut the grass and washed up

We laugh about it now that he earns more than me

@FantasticFebruary I'm not a 100% certain, but I think it was because we were living in what was then called a Third World country due to my father's work, and I dared to suggest my birthday had been a bit shit. It WAS shit: we had no friends, no school, no television, no shops etc. This was 1979 so of course no internet either. We had the BBC World Service and that was it. I was probably missing my pets too, that we'd had to give away when we moved. My two brothers remember it as well - well it's not the type of thing you are likely to forget, is it?

Although my mother's default setting was angry, we were never allowed to show any sort of negative emotion. We were also not allowed any hobbies, have friends over etc either.

Apparently they were all a waste of time?...

I agree with the posters who have suggested getting some help for yourself. Not because you are a bad person or a bad parent, but because the way you were brought up has cut you off from so many things that bring people happiness. Frivolous entertainment is food for the spirit and it's just as essential as doing 'worthy' things. You'd benefit from exploring that and like every other human being, you deserve happiness.

I don't have a very high opinion of your parents.

@thepeopleversuswork I think you are getting a fairly hard time here. I also find computer games extremely boring and wouldn't want to play them or talk about them extensively. I've also declined to watch long youtube videos when other people's children have asked me to, because I'm not interested. As long as you are interested in all the other aspects of her life and she has plenty of scope to talk to you, I don't think you should feel bad for not wanting to hear about Roblox all day.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/disability-47064773

Read this OP. It might help ameliorate your hatred of gaming.

I used to be very sceptical about gaming. Then I saw how much support my eldest DS (13-16yrs) got from his online friends, during my marriage breakdown and divorce. Obviously there needs to be boundaries but I think you need to address your hatred of gaming. It's a normal part of life and doesn't have to be a bad, antisocial thing.

I have two DSs. They have a large age gap. One of the things they enjoy doing is gaming together.

You have over reacted and I think you need to look at your dislike if gaming and educate yourself about it somewhat.

This is definitely a you problem.

Obviously she should be punished for spending your money without permission, but your attitudes towards video games is borderline batshit. It's not harmful to her to be playing Sims 4 and everything can be enjoyed healthily in moderation. It sounds like your punishment has gone to an extreme because it was specifically video games she brought which is the issue.

If it helps set your mind to rest, when I was her age I also loved video games, and also played a lot of Sims funnily enough. I ended up modding and creating custom content for the game from age 12+ because I loved it so much. I've grown up to be in a senior software engineer role earning a good living which was 100% influenced by my love for video games as a child.

You don't have to share the same interests as your daughter. Your daughter isn't a lazy slob for wanting to play video games sometimes. Your mum had an extremely toxic view towards TV as you've identified and you're also imposing this toxicity onto your daughter. Also, it would have been far easier your mum imposing these views way back then than it is now. You're making things very very hard for yourself.

@thepeopleversuswork

I want what’s best for my child and - in my estimation - video games are problematic: they are addictive and take them away from more productive pursuits. I can accommodate them but why should I change a fundamental conviction?

Do you understand that we all need time down from productive pursuits? Working all the time makes us sick. Especially children in this time of Covid have great stresses in their lives and need some relaxing time. It's not bad to have time to relax. It's necessary for our mental wellbeing. Please don't attempt to turn her into a highly strung and nervous little girl just because you don't believe in relaxing.

@Whatafielddayfortheheat

Sometimes the OP just gets such an unreasonably hard time and I have no idea why. This is one of those times. OP you sound lovely. You love your daughter, work hard and want what's best for her. You're spread so thin and things slip through the net. You've done nothing wrong. I think some people on here just see it as a forum where they can anonymously bitch at people and take out their own frustrations.

100% this. The OP has been vert honest about something she is struggling with, asked for support and advice, and got a load of self-righteous abuse.

Posters who are piling on should pause and have a think about some of their less admirable parenting moments. None of us are perfect and feeling/expressing anger is not the crime of the century.