Have I over-reacted? Struggling to forgive my DD

[thepeopleversuswork]

Found out yesterday my DD (11) has downloaded some computer games which I have been paying for without authorisation (the account was foolishly linked to my bank account. I know I have been really stupid on this front so please don't give me a hard time). I've cancelled the account, removed the games she's ordered and confiscated the laptop and her other devices for two weeks. We've had a long talk and I have let her know she has destroyed my trust and she will have to work hard to earn it back and repay the money (about £40).

She was hugely apologetic and has said she will do what it takes to make it up to me etc. We left things on friendly and loving terms last night after a good discussion: I said I loved her and would always forgive her but there needed to be an appropriate punishment and I needed her to demonstrate to me that I can trust her before I will let her download any new games. (Clearly she's not getting access to anything linked to my bank account again).

I'm still feeling really upset and angry this morning that she was able to find it in herself to do this and am struggling to move past it. I know its important to set boundaries and appropriate punishments but forgive and move on but this morning she started trying to bargain to get the game back (if I do this can I get it back in this timeframe etc). I flared up and said I'm sick of hearing about computer games and I never want her to talk to me about them again (I am sick of hearing about them tbh: I find them utterly tedious and I resent the amount of time and energy that she spends talking and thinking about them). She's a good kid, doing well at school and has other interests etc. TBH I loathe computer games, I find them to be a total waste of time and I resent the amount of time that her generation spends on them. If I could, I'd completely ban them but that's another story.

I just want some advice about how to deal with this. I've never in the past found it hard to forgive her, even if she's been really naughty. I've always thought she's a monkey but would not do anything devious like this and the whole thing has frightened and distressed me and I'm still holding quite a bit of anger towards her.

I know I need to hold the line on the punishment but move past the anger but I'm finding it hard and its scared me a bit. Any advice here?

What you're describing is perfectly normal pre teen behaviour. Honestly I am quite concerned reading that you're scared of how angry you are over normal, boundary pushing behaviour in an 11 year old.

As for her over involvement in her game, that's on you. You should have intervened before now and noticed it was becoming an issue.

I have teens 15 & 18 before anyone declared me being too hard on OP.

You’re imagining her thought process to have been an adult one with a level of intent whereas she probably took a fairly impulsive decision without thinking the consequences through.
A linked bank account isn’t a great idea because of the potential for accidentally spending money. Does she need to download games at all? Can you do that for her?

Also, "forgive her" for what exactly? This is worrying language around normal behaviour.

This is your problem, not hers.

I don't blame you for feeling angry but she's also behaving normally.

However depending on the game I do worry about my kids and addiction and wonder if that might be influencing the behaviour? In which case a couple of weeks cold turkey and subsequent new computer rules might be the answer.

I'm not saying my kids don't use computer games because of my worry, by the way, I just do observe some of their behaviour around them as compulsive/addictive and have tried to talk to them about this. I'm not a no screener by any means.

Er, yeah... you do need to calm down on this one.

My ds 12 spent 80 quid last year... He did chores at a fiver a time to repay.
At 14 another ds spent 800 on his df's card...
Left that to exh to deal with. He did nothing..

Honestly you need to read your post back and get a bloody grip. Seriously she is 11 a child.

Ok. First of all, do you have guidelines for your daughter on whether she can download games?

If she's normally allowed to install free games, it's possible she just didn't think too much about clicking "accept" on something that wasn't free. You're responsible for not linking your bank account; while this must be upsetting (especially now when money is tight!) I wouldn't see it as equivalent to, say, deliberately getting a credit card out of your bag and entering details or stealing cash out of your wallet and going to the shop.

If you're not comfortable with her downloading games without running each one past you first, then that's a boundary you need to take responsibility for setting. I don't see how she's a bad kid for downloading things if you haven't been clear about these boundaries already.

It sounds as though this is very emotional largely because of how you feel about gaming. You are of course allowed to feel that way, and to set whatever boundaries you choose. But both of you might benefit if you spend some time examining why this is such a flashpoint for you. Do you feel mum guilt over letting your child spend time this way because you feel it reflects badly on you, that you're failing her? Is it fear that any amount of gaming time will turn her into a zombie....and is that a reasonable level of fear? Is it about the content of some games that are, admittedly, violent or misogynistic?

Can I ask why you think her playing computer games is bad? Do you not enjoy fun yourself?

Yeah you're being ridiculous OP.
She sounds a lot more sensible than you in this situation.

She's apologised and you've said everything's ok but it's not. Do you think maybe you're punishing her for your own mistake? Are you annoyed about the account being linked and that's why you're so angry towards her?

I thought you were going to say she'd spent hundreds! £40 is obviously not ideal and it is appropriate she pay you back and not have access to your bank account again but it doesn't seem worth this huge amount of ongoing anger. FWIW, mine have done things like this - they game socially and I think of it as the same as my running up the phone bill at Mt dad's when I was a teen. You manage it and set boundaries but it's not a sign of anything major. Just teens being teens and looking for a way I'd establishing social networks outside the home.

She’s 11. You are right to give her appropriate consequences because that will help her learn, and some initial anger is normal (I’m pretty sure every parent has felt angry at their children’s behaviour at some point!). But struggling to forgive her is OTT.

She doesn’t have an adult brain yet. She’s going to do stupid things sometimes and that’s normal. Stick to your guns re the punishment but try to move on for both your sakes.

Your emotional reaction to this is alarming, honestly. She's an 11 year old little girl, not an adult criminal mastermind. You need to give your head a shake and put this into perspective.

OP I'm with you on this one. I'd be furious as well and I'd still be furious the day after. Any attempt at a conversation about being let back on the game would be met with the look that told my children don't you dare. Don't discuss anything until she's paid back the money, by chores is a good idea.

Fucking hell OP you're being totally ott. Maybe the games aren't important to you but they are to her. Hope you domt talk to her about anything your interested in.
Any parent would be angry about that but you're reaction is concerning.

Blimey poor child.

You have to keep short records with kids this age I'm afraid and what she's done is very very normal. A telling off, removal of the ability for her to do it again and that's that isn't it?

You'd be being really cruel to drag this one on. It's your fault for allowing it to happen - which you know - but it would be poor parenting indeed to not just file this away

This is your issue around computer games. You need to get past this and see what is perfectly normal teenage behaviour. I honestly don’t understand whatis so difficult to “forgive”.

I think your emotions around this and entirely understandable, it's the loss of trust that's hard to take. You're doing the right thing in taking a hard line on this and I'd be warning her that if she tries to negotiate again another week will be added on. Gaming is addictive so I'd recommend strict restrictions in the future. Stay strong.

Woah. You are going way overboard with this. I was half expecting to see your bill was for hundreds of pounds.

She's ELEVEN. This is on you I'm afraid. I have my bank account linked to all our devices and have it password protected for monetary purchases. My kids are 6 and 9 and, in the past, bought some things which led me to making the restrictions tighter after I learned my lesson. I also get emails about free downloads and what they've been watching.

This is a learning curve for you. These things are aimed at kids to draw them in, she is too young to have the reasoning to be able to always say no so we, as parents, need to put the barrier between them and the tech.

I'm not having a go at you, I think you need to step back and try to understand the differences between how you feel about gaming and the way the world is. My kids love gaming, I was brought up with gaming from probably your daughters age and I love it. It's fun and we do it as a family which is a great way to keep your hand in with what they're up to and interested in.

I'm not saying you need to start gaming with her but try and separate your dislike from gaming and tech, which I feel is colouring your view, with what your daughter has done here as it's completely normal and not entirely her fault.

You resent your child talking to you about her hobby... and you told her never to talk to you about it again.

So basically, you don't like something so she isn't allowed to either.

Does she have really clear guidelines about the games? My son has access too, he knows he needs to ask about anything that isn't free and if he accidentally buys* something to come to me straight away so I can cancel it.

*he can't actually purchase the vast majority of things, but it's a good safeguard in case the authentication part fails. Looking at you Google play.

My DS did the same when he was about that age. It was a large amount of money and I managed to get most of it back by calling Apple. We had pretty much the same conversation as you had with your DD and it’s never happened again.

I think it would be naïve to say that they didn’t know it was naughty when they were doing it, or that they just don’t understand that things cost money, but equally I shouldn’t have allowed DS free access to the use of my card. I was furious at the time, but some kids just do push the boundaries in this way, and as long as they understand it’s wrong and don’t do it again then there’s not much else you can ask really.

It might be worth contacting which ever platform it was where your DD spent the money. Like I said, I contacted Apple and said that my card was used without authorization and managed to get most if not all of my money back. I know it isn’t their fault if somebody’s child spends money that they know they shouldn’t, but they do make it incredibly easy for this to happen.

The punishment seems harsh.

You reaction to the games weird. I don’t think this is another story. There are many hobbies which I don’t like but it doesn’t mean my children can’t choose to do them. My 5 year old chooses to watch the mist tedious of TV programs but as long as they are age appropriate and she doesn’t have too much screen time it’s not my job to pass judgement on the boring chooses she makes. Your child is not you and she will make decision in life which you won’t agree with, I’m not talking about rule breaking but just different choices.

I agree that you're completely overreacting. Yes it was wrong but it won't happen again. Computer games aren't so terrible. My daughter's really in to Minecraft which I find to be an intelligent and creative game. I'm interested in all the different activities she's done on Minecraft. My son loves Roblox and I like how he gets to interact and talk to all his friends there. He's painfully shy so it's good he's having some sort of social interaction. Yes I think there should be time limits - it's not good to be on gadgets for too long. I don't understand why you are SO against computer games though! They're not evil, they're fun. I'm 47 and used to really enjoy playing games on my ZX Spectrum in the 80s. Your daughter's behaviour is completely normal. Try to stop having such a negative view of her gaming and actually take an interest in it.

If you are really on the bread line, I’d understand your upset.
This is fairly normal pre teen behaviour. I found Ds had created a YouTube channel attached to my name. I was furious for an hour, deactivated it, and he got a bollocking. I don’t like the behaviour around gaming but it allows him to socialise at home. He chats away on his headset and on FaceTime. The games are designed to be addictive. I mske him have a break from them every so often when his behaviour requires it.
Your ongoing reaction is not relatable to me.